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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535327">Promiseland</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoelsOwlMug/pseuds/JoelsOwlMug'>JoelsOwlMug</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Remains [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Age Difference, Alcohol, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bisexual Female Character, But also, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Dual Timeline, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hard Joel, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Love Triangles, Masturbation, Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Soft Joel, Tagging as I go, Unreliable Narrator, cursing, falling in love in two different timelines, just a bit, stubborn idiots in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:35:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>107,529</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoelsOwlMug/pseuds/JoelsOwlMug</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years after the outbreak, Amy (short for Amelia) hires a smuggler to help her escape the Atlanta QZ in search of a better place. Ten years later, having found Jackson, life is turned upside down when an old familiar face turns up.</p><p>Chapters alternate between 2023 and 2034. I have not been able to stop thinking about Joel since playing the second game in June and this is how I have been coping. Final length of this is 25 chapters, I've only got 2.5 left to write as I am posting this. Will try to keep to a consistent schedule of adding chapters, might slow a bit as we get further in since later chapters get quite lengthy.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s), Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Remains [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2179815</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Playing with the timeline a little, we don't know when exactly Tommy and Joel split up but for the purposes of this story, it's already happened and Joel has stopped the hunter life and found a new home in Atlanta. Also I'm pretty sure Tommy was in Boston with Joel for a bit but shhh.<br/>Relevant because it's never stated: Amy is in her early 20s, Joel is in his late 30s in the 2023 timeline. Will tag and add content warnings as I go. Will also be adding the second chapter today since they are both pretty short.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>June 2023, Atlanta QZ</p><p>Amy had avoided this section of the QZ for most of her time in Atlanta. Only occasionally dipping a toe into the seedy underbelly for life saving supplies that the military kept for the higher ups in the city. Medicine for an illness or the occasional bottle of liquor to celebrate a birthday. This time it was far more serious. She’d snuck out of the barracks, well, she'd deserted to be precise, and, after asking around, had been given the location of a man who might be capable of helping her escape the city unseen.</p><p>The apartment building was rougher than the ones she’d grown used to deeper in the city. Keeping her head low, she climbed the stairs to the entrance, pushing her way inside while avoiding the eyes of a few of the inhabitants.</p><p>The man, apparently a smuggler if her source was telling the truth, lived on the third floor. It was nearly sunset, curfew would demand he be there but if all she’d heard of him were true, it stood to reason that he could be out on a job. But she had to risk it, risk getting caught out after dark even if it meant extreme punishment.</p><p>Biting her bottom lip, Amy raised her fist to knock. This could be a very bad idea.</p><p>Fuck it.</p><p>After three knocks, the door swung open and a man with a grizzled face scowled down at her.</p><p>“Who the hell are you?” the man asked without ceremony.</p><p>“Are you Joel?” she said instead of answering. A simple nod, followed by a glance at the hallway behind her. Joel eyed her again, expectant. “I have a job for you.”</p><p>“I ain’t interested.”</p><p>“I was told you needed to get out of the zone pretty soon,” Amy went on, unwilling to fail. “Some kind of feud or deal gone bad. Sounded pretty—”</p><p>Joel reached forward, tugging her into his apartment roughly and shutting the door behind them. His body blocked the only exit and it was only now that she noticed the pistol in his hand. Fuck.</p><p>“Who the hell sent you here?”</p><p>Amy kept her eyes on the gun. “Morgans. He said you helped him get some pills a few months back.”</p><p>“You’re military?” he continued, setting the gun on a side table littered with empty bottles.</p><p>“Yes and no.” Amy said, growing slightly more confident now that the gun was out of the man’s hands. “I need to get out of Atlanta, I have friends in the Nashville QZ. I can pay and you’ll be far enough away from your problems here. I don’t know how to get out of the city on my own and I’d wager it’d be a hell of a lot easier for you to go if you had some backup.” He still looked unconvinced. “My friends can help set you up, get you weapons, ration cards, basically whatever you want. They owe me.”</p><p>Joel moved away from the door, heading toward what she guessed was what he used as a kitchen. There was a grimy looking bucket sat next to a hot plate. He took a rag out from the bucket and patted at the back of his neck, thinking. Suddenly she was very aware that she was alone in a room with a perfect stranger. If he tried anything, there wasn’t a single person this side of town who would care if she screamed.</p><p>“Joel,” she said suddenly, determined to not show fear. She was closer to the gun than he was now. And the door. “What do you say?”</p><p>Joel set the rag back down, his eyes searching briefly around the room before landing back on Amy.</p><p>“Can you be back here with all your gear before sunrise?”</p><p>“I already have everything,” she answered quickly, gesturing to her backpack. Suddenly feeling giddy at his apparent agreement.</p><p>There was a weird spark of something in his eyes then, something like sadness that left just a fast as it came. He glanced to a watch he wore on his left wrist for just a moment. “You can have the couch for the night, get some rest. I’ll wake you when it’s time to go.”</p><p>Amy didn’t move at first, still slightly in shock at how easy it was to convince him. Whatever he’d done that made fleeing the city his only option must have been bad. Considering the company he kept and his choice of profession, it might be better if she didn’t know. It would already be tough to fall asleep in a new space, knowing more about her soon-to-be traveling companion was a coin flip on whether or not it’d make her feel safer. The only thing that really mattered was that he was capable of getting her where she needed to be and that he could handle a gun.</p><p>Still, he hadn’t pushed again for any concrete info about herself. He didn’t even know her name.</p><p>Amy took a few steps deeper into the apartment, Joel had vanished to another room. The couch he’d so graciously granted her the rights to was dusty and beaten to hell. She set her bag onto the more sturdy looking side and unzipped the front compartment. She’d smuggled a few supplies herself when she’d snuck out of the barracks, she pulled out a bit of jerky and resigned herself to a long night of restlessness.</p><p>After she’d finished her dinner, she pulled out a sweater from her pack and laid it out over the arm of the couch. Before she could lay back Joel appeared again, heading towards the door and stuffing his pistol into the back of his pants.</p><p>“I’ve got to tie up some loose ends, don’t open the door for anyone but me.”</p><p>“Wait,” Amy jumped up from the couch. The idea of being alone here when there were likely people who desperately wanted to get their hands on it’s resident made her uneasy. Joel, noting the fear in her eyes, sighed heavily.</p><p>“You got a weapon in that bag of yours?”</p><p>“Of course but—”</p><p>“You’ll be fine. If I come back to your corpse I’ll know agreeing to this deal was a bad idea.”</p><p>The door shut behind him without another word.</p><p>~*~</p><p>Joel returned to the apartment a few hours later. Amy had been nearly on the verge of sleep when the knock came.</p><p>“It’s me,” his voice rang through.</p><p>She gasped at the sight of him as she opened the door. A fresh bruise pooled around his left eye.</p><p>“What happened?” she asked, glancing behind him to make sure no one had followed him.</p><p>Joel simply ignored her, once again returning to the bucket and rag. Was this how he was going to be while they were on the road? She supposed it could be worse. Silent indifference was preferable to most other options.</p><p>She’d grown used to the quiet so when he spoke next she jumped once more.</p><p>“I hope you’re ready to leave now.”</p><p>She was back on the couch, not quite attempting to sleep but not fighting it either. She glared at his back for a moment. “I thought we were waiting until morning?”</p><p>“Change of plans. If we’re going at all, we need to go now.”</p><p>“Something about those loose ends?”</p><p>Joel scoffed, still with his back to her.</p><p>Shouldering her bag she made her way to the front door. Joel still ignored her and tossed a few items into his own bag. Amy leaned against the door, arms crossed over her chest. Sleep or no sleep, at least leaving sooner would mean they were rid of each other quicker. She could already tell spending a few weeks alone with this man would be hell. Joel finished off his preparations, double checking he’d grabbed enough rations for the trip. Amy waited until his eyes were on her where she stood blocking the door before speaking.</p><p>“The name’s Amelia, by the way.” Joel only blinked. “Friends call me Amy.”</p><p>Joel took several steps closer, eyes firmly on hers. “Well, Amelia,” he began steadily, “I surely do hope you’re good with a gun.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: alcohol, weed, violence</p><p>Amy is now in her early 30s, Joel is late 40s</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Summer 2034, Jackson</p><p>Perhaps staying at the Bison until Seth kicked their entire table out the door had been a bad idea. The hangover Amy had from it was certainly doing an excellent job at convincing her. Eugene had a habit of making her do stupid things and she clearly still hadn’t learned her lesson. But it was a big day and there was a reason their little crowd had been celebrating. After six months the traders had come back to Jackson with plenty of interesting goods to share. And Amy’s share was going to be epic.</p><p>She and Eugene had worked out a deal with one of the traders, Simon, and according to him their goods had, predictably, been exceedingly popular across all the settlements on their trade routes. Keeping the truth of the product from Maria was likely going to be a bit trickier than Amy would have liked. She’d leave it to Eugene, aside from helping Amy make poor choices when it came to imbibing, he could also derail a conversation better than anyone she had ever met. He’d talk circles around her until she forgot the questions altogether.</p><p>It was around eleven when Amy finally managed to roll herself fully out of bed. She walked over to the door that connected her space to Eugene’s and banged hard. Her space was technically an attached garage, Eugene had kindly offered her the space three years prior when she’d first stumbled upon Jackson. It was meant to be temporary, plenty of other houses had been cleaned up and prepared for others in the time since but she didn’t need a whole house. The garage had a tiny bathroom and she cobbled together enough items on patrols to have a decent enough kitchen space. Along with the little touches of decor she’d spread about the place: posters, lights, and cute little knickknacks. It was home.</p><p>Eugene finally banged back and she opened the door to see his smiling face.</p><p>“Hey kid,” he said, rubbing at his beard.</p><p>“You wanna go check out the market? They should be done sorting everything by now…I’m curious to see what they’ve brought back.”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, I’ll meet you on the porch in five.”</p><p>Amy left him to finish off whatever he needed and exited her garage. She still found it strange to live in a place where no one had to lock their doors when they left home for the day. It was like the stories her grandparents used to tell of growing up in small towns. Despite everything, apparently small town vibes could manage to stay the same. At least when you had tall walls and armed guards to keep out bandits and infected.</p><p>When Eugene finally met her on the porch the smell of weed was strong, she clicked her tongue at him.</p><p>“Had to take the edge off, my head’s killing me.”</p><p>“You too, huh? I figured at your age you’d be better at it.”</p><p>“Amy, there are some things even the best of us shouldn’t do. And downing an entire bottle of homebrewed vodka is definitely one of those things. Surprised you’re even alive, if I’m honest.”</p><p>“I’ve had worse mornings.” Amy opened the back gate for the older man and he smiled brightly as he led the way. The traders would usually set up areas near the west gate to show off all their freshly brought wares. Amy was hoping to get a new pair of work boots, hers were barely holding up.</p><p>Nearest to the gate there was a table set up with a collection of video games. Eugene rushed for it and Amy suppressed a chuckle. The man was nearing 70 at this point and had the hobbies of a teenager pre-outbreak. She’d never really gotten too into video games, not before the outbreak or now but Eugene would occasionally invite her into the main house to play fighting games against him. She almost never won.</p><p>“Hey Amy,” a familiar voice drawled behind her.</p><p>“Tommy,” she said, nodding a greeting.</p><p>“Heard you and Eugene kept Seth up past his bedtime,” he began with a smile.</p><p>“Fucker deserves a bit of inconvenience now and again.”</p><p>“Be nice,” Tommy chided her.</p><p>Amy mimicked gagging and continued looking over the tables while Tommy stuck beside her. After a few more minutes passed with no more words said she turned to him, eyeing him warily.</p><p>“Am I in trouble or something?”</p><p>“Oh no, I just…well, I was wondering if you might be up to take my watch this afternoon. Maria and I had a bit of a disagreement and I thought I might do something special to make up for it.” Tommy rolled on his feet, nervous. “Wanted to surprise her with a nice dinner but I need the time…”</p><p>“I, yeah, that’s fine.” Amy scanned another table, wishing for something that might help with her head. “I’ll head to the tower once I’m done here.”</p><p>Tommy smiled, squeezing her shoulder in thanks. “’ppreciate it, Amy, I really do.”</p><p>“Yeah yeah,” she shoved him playfully away. “Now stop pissing off your wife and making me pay for it.”</p><p>“I’m doing my best.”</p><p>~*~</p><p>Watch was six hours of sweaty nothing. She hadn’t even been paired up with an interesting partner. After hour three she decided the last three would be better spent napping and her partner had either not noticed or did not care.</p><p>She went straight home to wash up once it was over and changed into fresh clothes that smelled less of the summer heat. Her hangover was long gone by now and she was beyond willing and eager to earn another for tomorrow.</p><p>Jackson was a godsend but there wasn’t much else to do with her nights than drink or get high with Eugene. Besides, she’d told Rosie she’d be there. Rosie had been smart and left early the night before. Of course, unlike Amy she was responsible and knew she had to be up to tend to the greenhouses in the early morning.</p><p>Amy always wondered if she’d chosen the greenhouse duty as a joke, where else did flowers belong?</p><p>She was nearly to the doors of the Bison when she noticed a small commotion at the church. At least half a dozen people were crowded around the doors. Amy had to double check her mental calendar to make sure there wasn’t a town meeting taking place. When she saw Tommy and Maria, she grew concerned. Whatever might have interrupted his “I’m sorry you married a dumbass” dinner wasn’t something she could imagine was good.</p><p>“Hey,” she called out, approaching the crowd. Tommy’s head popped up and he smiled.</p><p>“Amy, hey come over here,” he put an arm around her, guiding her through the others and into the church proper. “There’s someone I want you to meet.”</p><p>“We get newcomers today?”</p><p>“Something like that,” he said, continuing to grin.</p><p>They were approaching a small girl who looked like she’d seen better days. She stood beside an older man who had his back to her. One of Jackson’s doctors seemed to be looking him over. Likely making sure he didn't have any bite marks.</p><p>Tommy’s arm fell away as he clapped the other man on the back.</p><p>“Amy, I’d like you to meet my brother.”</p><p>The man turned around, half-startled and when their eyes met it took less than a second before her fight or flight response spurred itself to action.</p><p>Amy’s hand flew through the air without her having to tell it to. Joel, having apparently been through hell or perhaps just in shock at the sight of her wasn’t as quick as he used to be and didn’t even attempt to block her. When her fist met his jaw, she instantly regretted it.</p><p>Chaos erupted.</p><p>Tommy was pulling her back away from Joel, the small girl was cursing at an alarmingly consistent rate, and Joel was just stood there eyes wide like he’d seen a ghost. Fucker didn’t even react to the punch. If Tommy wasn’t dragging her back outside, she might hit him again just for the insult of not being in pain.</p><p>“Amy,” Tommy cut in, apparently she’d been spewing some filth of her own without hearing herself. “Hey, hey, settle down and tell me what the hell that was about.”</p><p>“I—,” her throat felt raw and her knuckles ached. “Fuck.”</p><p>“I take it the two of you have met before?” Tommy questioned, she didn’t want to meet his eyes. His fucking brother. Life had gotten too good lately, she’d been too comfortable. She guessed this was the universe balancing things out.</p><p>“Long time ago.” She couldn’t say more, refused to give that man any power over her ever again. Amy finally met Tommy’s gaze. His eyes were dark, some form of understanding was in them. She vaguely remembered Joel mentioning that his brother had walked out on him.</p><p>“Well, I reckon you’ve got your reasons…you gonna be alright with him here?”</p><p>“I’ll be fine. It’s fine. Gut reaction. Just keep him away from me and we’re good.”</p><p>Tommy blinked a few times before looking over his shoulder and back to the church. Maria stepped out, stern as ever. “Do we have a problem here?” she asked, directing the question more to Tommy than Amy. He gave a half-hearted smile and shook his head. Maria turned towards Amy. “Amelia?”</p><p>“All good. Promise.”</p><p>“Well, keep it that way.” She glanced between the two of them once more and walked away.</p><p>“Brother?” Amy asked once Maria was out of earshot.</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>Fuck.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: blood, violence, technical murder/suicide but it’s just random corpses and not unlike the random bodies you’d find in the game.</p>
<p>Adding this chapter and one more today just because this is where the story really starts to move, first two were just set up.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>June 2023, Atlanta Outskirts</p>
<p>The good news was that this Joel guy did actually know what the hell he was doing, they’d made it outside the QZ in less than two hours without incident. The bad news was that he hadn’t gotten any more inviting in the several hours since. Oh and the fact that Amy was running on fumes. Joel wanted them far enough outside of the city that they wouldn’t run into any military. Amy wanted to catch her breath, maybe take a nap. But nope, Joel was the boss and she was growing tired of it already.</p>
<p>“You allergic to talking while walking?” Amy asked at last. Joel kept quiet, eyes scanning their surroundings. She sighed. “We anywhere close to stopping? You’ve got to be tired.”</p>
<p>“Not here, too exposed.”</p>
<p>Well at least that was something.</p>
<p>“Now that we’re far enough out of the city, ya gonna tell me what happened?”</p>
<p>“Nope.”</p>
<p>“Do you wanna know why I wanted to leave?”</p>
<p>“I do not care.” The way he put emphasis on each word pissed her off.</p>
<p>“God you’re a good time, aren’t you?” She said a bit heatedly. Joel spun on his heels, his rifle cradled between them. He was a good foot taller than she was, and she had to admit the annoyance on his face was intimidating.</p>
<p>“Are you trying to get us killed?”</p>
<p>“Look, if we’re gonna be stuck together for a while, it’d be kinda nice to get to know each other, right?”</p>
<p>“You wanna blab your mouth once we’ve settled in for the night, fine but I ain’t telling you shit about me and once this is over I fully intend to forget you ever existed.” He paused to glance at their surroundings once again. “You don’t like how I do things, you are more than welcome to go off on your own.”</p>
<p>He started walking again and she didn’t rush to catch up. It took a few yards for him to realize she wasn’t following and he turned again, fuming.</p>
<p>“The hell do you think you’re doing now?”</p>
<p>“You need me.”</p>
<p>“What?” he said, his face screwing up in the process.</p>
<p>“If you thought you could get out and make it somewhere else on your own, you would have left long before I showed up. You need me to watch your back, so don’t give me that shit.” It was a risk, he was still a large man with a very large gun, not that he’d need it. But she could tell it was true by the way his face fell. She didn’t mind pushing another few buttons, it was more interesting than the never-ending silence from before. They hadn’t seen so much as a runner yet. “I’d bet you’re not used to working on your own, huh? Just didn’t have anyone willing to take the risk of running off for you…” She was gauging his expression, waiting for him to explode or worse but he was just stood there, his mouth opened slightly. “Kinda sounds like you should be a little more grateful that I came around.”</p>
<p>Joel repositioned the rifle, resting the butt on the ground. She waited for some acknowledgment, good or bad.</p>
<p>“Let’s check that building out,” he said, pointing vaguely towards an old restaurant.</p>
<p>It was something.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>“So, were you born with that stick up your ass or is it a recent addition?” Amy asked once they had finally found a suitable place to settle in for the night. Joel was at the window, double checking that nothing outside had changed.</p>
<p>“It was cultivated over years of practice.” He moved to drag a bookcase across the floor to block the window. If Amy wasn’t so tired she might have cracked a laugh at his response. She was working on another piece of jerky. “Tell me that isn’t the only thing you packed to eat?” Him actually asking her a question startled her. First the joke then this? Either he was too tired to keep up the act or well, she didn’t know what.</p>
<p>“Can’t be bothered to deal with anything else right now. Too much effort to open those damn ration packets, let alone heat them up and they taste like shit cold.”</p>
<p>Joel, satisfied with the bookcase, moved across the room and removed his backpack. He pulled out a pack, turning it over in his hands to read the label. “I’m gonna start a fire, I can heat this up and split it with you, if you’d like.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Truly, genuinely stunned. Maybe her little speech from earlier had gotten to him. And more importantly, it felt great to know she’d been right. Small comforts.</p>
<p>“Sure, not hungry enough for the whole thing.”</p>
<p>Joel found a broken chair in a side room and tossed it into the fireplace. After, he moved for the bookcase and began piling books in his arms. Amy jumped to her feet and raced over to him.</p>
<p>“Wait, you can’t just burn those.”</p>
<p>“Excuse me?”</p>
<p>“Not indiscriminately, anyways. Let me see.” Amy pulled a few out of his grip. “This is a good one.” She carried it over to the sofa she’d laid claim to and opened it up. Despite the dust, the book was still in relatively good shape.</p>
<p>“You know, if you keep putting more and more things in your bag it’s gonna be a helluva lot harder getting you to walk faster.”</p>
<p>“It’s one book.”</p>
<p>“I saw you bend down to pick up a rock earlier today.” He started tearing pages out and adding them to the broken chair pieces. “Just plopped it right into your pack like it was something precious.”</p>
<p>“Memento. I’ve lived here since the beginning of the outbreak. Figured it be nice to take a small part with me.”</p>
<p>“It’s a rock.”</p>
<p>Amy scowled in his general direction without looking up from the book. She paused after a moment. “Were you always in Georgia?” she asked then. His accent was some kind of honeyed southern thing but she couldn’t quite place it. Joel was still tearing pages, but working a bit slower. Well, fuck. She broke the talking version of him already. “I came up from Florida when everything happened. With my parents and brother.”</p>
<p>He stopped altogether, took a steadying breath and sighed. “Texas.”</p>
<p>“All alone?” she knew the answer to that would be no. She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.</p>
<p>“Brother. We uh, well, we went our separate ways some time ago.”</p>
<p>“Sorry.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be.”</p>
<p>“My family all died pretty early on, mom got sick. Not even infected just…sick. Dad was a soldier, then one day he just didn’t come home. Brother did the same two years back. Figured that would be my fate eventually, decided I wanted something different.”</p>
<p>Joel was quiet again. He pulled out a lighter and held it to one of the pages.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to say anything, if you’re struggling to find words or whatever. I’ve made my peace with it.”</p>
<p>“Lucky you.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The next few days they went on at about the same pace, only finally running into any infected once they were far enough away from the city. Joel took charge, more than once shoving her backward if she attempted to face anything head on. It was starting to get on her nerves. If he hadn’t wanted to let her help out, then why had he even asked her if she knew how to use a gun? It wasn’t like she hadn’t taken out her share of infected. Her entire life for the last few years was literally just sweeping the outer perimeter of Atlanta to take out any stragglers that wandered too close.</p>
<p>Maybe he was taking the lead so often because the numbers were never too great to necessitate both of them wasting ammo. Still, the next runner she saw without him noticing was hers and she didn’t care what kind of fit Joel might throw because of it.</p>
<p>As far as conversations went, they were still pretty one-sided. That first night out being the most personal information he seemed to be willing to give her. Hell, she didn’t even know his last name. Not that those mattered much anywhere outside of the military. He hadn’t asked her any questions about herself still though she did notice the change in his moods whenever they’d settle in for the night. Not talkative or even kind but softer. Like he eased up slightly. It made sense, having four walls and a locked door usually put people at ease nowadays. It could also have something to do with how tired he looked when they would stop for the evening. Not that he looked particularly well-rested during the day.</p>
<p>Tonight they were in an old music store, holed up in what must have been a private recording booth. There was a busted guitar on the ground that Amy moved to clear away. The neck had been snapped clean in two. Shame.</p>
<p>“You ever learn how to play any instruments? Ya know, before everything went to hell.” He was pulling the back cushions off of an old dusty couch, throwing them on the floor to make a makeshift bed. He was quiet for a moment before answering softly.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“My dad was in this lame cover band, used to bring us to bars on the weekends to watch him play.” Amy said, eyeing the padding that soundproofed the walls. “I fucking hated it. Would have rather just been back at home watching TV.” She laughed to herself a little. “Kinda miss it now. All the people and the music. Wasn’t ever old enough to properly enjoy a bar and now they’re just…”</p>
<p>Amy turned to look at Joel who had stopped moving, a small scowl had grown on his face, making him look at least a decade older than she assumed he was. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, was just about to ask when he spoke up.</p>
<p>“We should get some rest. We’re making good time, don’t wanna ruin it.”</p>
<p>“Is this really how you’re going to be all the way to Nashville? Like, seriously?”</p>
<p>“What the hell are you talking about?” He said, the annoyance in his voice had almost created some kind of fondness in her. It at least meant he was talking.</p>
<p>“I just…we haven’t even had dinner.” She could tell she was pouting and she hated it. “You know there’s nothing wrong with holding an actual conversation, right?”</p>
<p>Joel huffed and practically threw himself down onto the cushions he’d set on the floor. “Do whatever you like, I’m going to sleep.”</p>
<p>What she wanted to do was kick him off of his shitty little bed. If she had been just a little bit stupider she might have actually done it. Instead, she huffed loudly before kneeling down to grab something edible from her backpack.</p>
<p>“What bands did he cover?” came a small grumble across the room, Amy looked up. He slowly turned his head to meet her gaze. “Your dad.”</p>
<p>“Van Halen sometimes but mostly Kiss.”</p>
<p>Joel huffed the smallest of laughs. “They any good?”</p>
<p>“Well, I didn’t like them much but people came to watch them so…I guess they weren’t bad.”</p>
<p>“I bet they did just fine.”</p>
<p>“You got a favorite band?” she ventured, not wanting the conversation to end just yet.</p>
<p>He hummed in thought, letting his eyes fall closed once again. “Not really but I had a fondness for most country.”</p>
<p>Amy made a disgusted noise. “Always fucking hated country music.”</p>
<p>“Hold your tongue.”</p>
<p>She laughed at that. “I’m sure there were some okay songs, just never heard one that I liked.”</p>
<p>“Alright then, what did you like?”</p>
<p>“David Bowie, little bit of Aerosmith…Miley Cyrus.”</p>
<p>Another deep rumble of laughter from Joel.</p>
<p>“She had a few good songs near the end, don’t judge.”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>“Eat shit.”</p>
<p>They both quieted then and Amy resumed her search for something to eat. At some point she’d figure out how to get him to talk like this at will. Maybe even get him to hold a conversation while they were traveling. They likely had a little more than a week before they hit Nashville, even less if Joel got his way. He’d mentioned the idea of trying to find a working car more than once. So far the only cars they’d seen had been packed so tightly together on the road that any hope of maneuvering one out of the jam seemed unlikely. Maybe faster would be better though. It wasn’t like there was a real reason to try to make nice if they didn’t have to, and if they could get a car working the trip would only take a day or so. She’d be with people who actually liked her and he’d be…well, whatever he wanted to be, she guessed. Probably get back to smuggling before finding himself in trouble once again. Maybe the next time he wouldn’t be so lucky.</p>
<p>“I’m not planning on staying in Nashville, you know.” She said casually, unsure if he was even still awake. He stayed silent, his breathing steady. Asleep then. Good. She still had the urge to confess her plans and since he would never actually care enough to ask… “We kept picking up survivors on our rounds outside the city, more than a few of them mentioned places that had people just…living free. No military, no rations running out. Settlements with crops and walls high enough to protect them but no real controlling government. Places where you could just exist and be happy. Decided I’d heard it too many times for it to not be true. So I made a plan to desert and then I found you.”</p>
<p>It was nice to say it out loud finally. She’d wanted to say it for years at this point, wanted to have someone who believed in it too. Who was willing to risk everything for the chance of a better life. Suddenly, Joel’s voice broke through the silence.</p>
<p>“That’s gotta be the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.”</p>
<p>Amy’s eyes immediately started to burn. “Yeah, well, it’s not like I was inviting you to come along.”</p>
<p>“Ain’t got no interest in dying for some silly dream.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Amy woke up first the next morning, chest still aching at Joel’s words. When he was up and readying himself for the day she suggested they move through the suburbs to see if they could find a car. He didn’t argue. She was ready to be rid of him and was pleased when he didn’t bring up her plans.</p>
<p>She didn’t care if it was crazy, didn’t care if he believed it was even possible. The idea of it was the only thing that had kept her going since she’d lost her brother. Joel could rot in the next QZ if he wanted to, but that was no way of living. Not for her.</p>
<p>“About these friends of yours,” Joel said when they finally managed to wrench open a rusted garage door, revealing its empty contents. She turned her head to him, only slightly startled that he was once again inquiring into her life.</p>
<p>“What about them?” she said flatly, rummaging an old tool box for anything of use.</p>
<p>“You really think they’ll buy into this plan of yours? Run off into the great unknown with no notion of what exactly you’re even aiming for?”</p>
<p>“I’ve heard there might be something like what I’m looking for in New Mexico. Another person said they’d heard something about Washington or Colorado. Sounds to me like there's more than one.” She abandoned the search, now eyeing the door that led deeper into the house. She pressed an ear to listen for signs of infected. “And yes, they’ll buy in. They were my friends before they got sent to help out in Nashville. We trained together and they’ve heard the stories too.”</p>
<p>Amy reached for the door handle and Joel caught her by the wrist. “We’re looking for a car, ain’t no need to risk heading inside.”</p>
<p>“We’re running low on ammo,” she said, a bit heatedly.</p>
<p>“We find a car and that won’t matter much.” He met her eyes, she had avoided looking at him for most of the day. There was something strange about how he was looking at her, she couldn’t quite place it. Desperation to be rid of her? Well, if that was it, fuck him. She turned the knob and wrenched her arm from his grip. A hoarse whisper of her name left his lips as she slipped through the door, crouched and ready for whatever she might find.</p>
<p>The garage door led directly into a dark kitchen, she moved as silently as she could while also making sure to check every drawer and cabinet. Fucking empty, every single one. Amy continued deeper into the house, finding a living room and the front door, it’d been boarded up from the inside.</p>
<p>If Joel was behind her at all, he was quiet. She didn’t care to look back to check. There was a bathroom that held a few rags, she stuffed them into her bag and kept moving. It was clear by now the house was free of infected, there were no sounds but her own breathing. She let herself relax a bit and called out to Joel.</p>
<p>“It’s clear, you don’t have to sneak around.”</p>
<p>She was nearly to the final door of a long hallway when he caught up to her.</p>
<p>“That was stupid,” he grumbled, taking a half empty box of shotgun shells from her. They’d been sitting on a hallway table, dust covered and completely worth the trip inside.</p>
<p>“Bite me,” she said under her breath as she turned the knob on the door to the final room.</p>
<p>Inside a stream of sunlight fell onto an odd lumpy mass resting on a large bed. It took a moment for Amy to realize what she was looking at.</p>
<p>“Oh,” was all she could say.</p>
<p>It was three figures, one adult and two…smaller ones. Nearly fully skeletonized and still holding tightly to one another. The adult still gripped a pistol and as Amy moved closer she could see the small holes in each of their skulls.</p>
<p>“Jesus,” Joel’s voice was thick. His breathing suddenly uneven. Amy turned away from the scene to look at him, his brow furrowed for just a moment and then he shook it away and reached for the weapon, checking the barrel and pocketing what remained of the bullets. “Let’s get out of here.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>It was nearly sundown when they finally found a working car, an old Buick with plenty of gas. Joel took the driver’s seat and she didn’t argue. It wasn’t like seeing corpses was anything new to either of them, just the circumstances of those particular people and the fact that she could have avoided having to witness the scene if she’d only listened to Joel. She imagined her journey from Nashville would have her see worse.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she said then, almost without meaning to. He hadn’t said a word since they’d left the house. Not even when she’d pointed out the car. Something was different.</p>
<p>“Get some rest,” was his only reply.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The car broke down the next day somewhere around thirty miles outside of Nashville. On foot they’d at least be in each others company for another day. Joel looked wrecked, hadn’t wanted to stop driving at all through the night. Amy had to wonder if he’d pushed the car too far. Not that it mattered, they were still close. She could stomach being with him for just a little longer.</p>
<p>“You wanna find a place to rest, Joel?” she asked, still noting the way he moved just slow enough to be concerned. If they ran into something, or someone, he might not be so quick on his feet.</p>
<p>“I’m fine.”</p>
<p>“You look like shit.”</p>
<p>“’Ppreciate it.”</p>
<p>“I’m serious, you wanna get yourself killed this close to Nashville?”</p>
<p>Joel paused, checked their surroundings and sighed. He bee-lined it to an old broken down RV and tugged the door open, gun raised. “It’s clear. I only need a few hours and then we get back on the road.”</p>
<p>“Aye Aye, captain,” she mocked with a salute.</p>
<p>He ignored her and flung himself onto the bed that sat in the far back, all pillows and blankets had been stripped but it wasn’t like they’d gotten used to having either since they’d left Atlanta.</p>
<p>Amy moved to sit in the driver’s seat, spinning around to pass some time. The front window was filthy enough that she felt reasonably certain nothing could catch sight of them from the outside. She let her eyes drift closed after several long minutes with nothing but Joel’s soft snores to keep her company.</p>
<p>She dreamed of open fields and of forgetting the feel of a gun in her hand. A soft laughter at her back, gravely and melodious. When she glanced back to catch his smile something tore her from sleep.</p>
<p>Arms pulling her from the driver’s seat, one wrapped roughly around her throat but not tight enough that she couldn’t scream. Then a solid fist into her ribs and the scream died violently, all the air in the world seemed to be sucked away and when another blow fell she shut her eyes to hide from the pain.</p>
<p>Where was her gun, had she set her backpack down? Fuck. Where the hell was Joel?</p>
<p>As if she'd summoned him, the men above her were snatched away. A solid thunk and then a gargled scream. She opened her eyes as Joel grabbed the last remaining man and slammed his head into the nearest surface. Multiple times.</p>
<p>The pure violence of it had her stunned.</p>
<p>When it was clear the man wouldn’t be moving again, Joel reached for her, pulling her through the door and back out onto the streets. She was hunched over in pain and he urged her further down, eyeing his sights to make sure the two men had come alone. It was an odd moment when she realized she was sobbing.</p>
<p>“Come on,” he said, not commenting on her tears.</p>
<p>“My bag,” she rasped, looking back towards the RV.</p>
<p>Joel’s eyes blazed at her before he moved to open the door again. Amy peeked in, not fully wanting to see the damage for a second time but finding it difficult to look away. Joel kicked one of the men onto his stomach, before peeling the straps of her backpack from the dead man’s shoulders. He hopped back down and held it out to her but she stood there frozen, now noticing the blood that covered his clothes.</p>
<p>He sighed, “We don’t have time for this.” Joel spun her, pulling her arms through and repositioning the straps to sit comfortably on her shoulders. “Now, let’s go!” When she still didn’t move he reached for her arm, pulling her along with him instead.</p>
<p>As they made their way, weaving through abandoned cars and climbing over other obstacles, they began to hear gunshots in the distance. Joel pulled Amy through small gap in the concrete that separated the lanes, helping her hop down to a grassy area below the highway. Whoever else was out there, they were well out of sight now and Amy pulled free of Joel’s grasp.</p>
<p>“Are you hurt?” he asked, not concerned so much as inconvenienced.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” she breathed out, clutching her ribs.</p>
<p>“Well, we can’t just stop now. I’m gonna need you to keep up with me until we can find somewhere to hide out, okay?” He put his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to focus on his face.</p>
<p>Amy nodded, “Okay.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>“You fell asleep?”</p>
<p>“I was tired,” she winced. Joel was checking the bruising on her ribs, so far they didn’t seem to be broken though her neck was swollen to fuck.</p>
<p>Joel shook his head, “Well, thank God we’re almost to Nashville.”</p>
<p>His hand moved again, pressing against her skin and—</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she hissed. Joel touched more gingerly over the offending rib.</p>
<p>“Fractured, I’d bet. Ain’t worth it to let it heal, you’ll just have to soldier on. We can be in the city this time tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Thanks for the concern,” Amy said, hurting more than she should.</p>
<p>“You did a stupid ass thing, I ain’t got no sympathy for you nearly getting us both killed in our sleep.”</p>
<p>“Well I’m glad I could be a punching bag so you had some incentive to wake up.”</p>
<p>He ignored her and simply stepped away. They’d found an old house a few miles off the highway, Joel had taken out the two runners that had been trapped inside while Amy had stayed outside. Now he was opening up a ration pack and digging in with no thought to share with her. One more day.</p>
<p>Morning came far too quickly and the aching in her ribs had worsened in the night. But Joel was right, they had to keep moving and then this would all be over. She could take some time to rest and recover when she was back in the company of people who cared whether she lived or died.</p>
<p>The first true signs of trouble were the bodies. FEDRA soldiers lined up against a wall of an old gas station a mile outside of the QZ, their bodies crumpled and rotting in the summer heat. The closer they drew to the high walls the more grim things became. The walls themselves were blown apart, black soot showing evidence of some sort of bombing. Joel kept silent, occasionally grumbling in displeasure at every other sign of what by now seemed obvious.</p>
<p>Nashville had fallen.</p>
<p>There was an old guard station near one of the gates, they picked through it finding nothing but a single note that confirmed everything. Whatever soldiers had happened to survive what looked like several, well-planned attacks were shipped off to Boston.</p>
<p>“Fucking Boston,” Joel murmured, the first proper words he’d said in over an hour.</p>
<p>Amy, still aching and struggling to catch her breath more and more with each step, couldn’t keep her thoughts from racing. They could be dead, all of her friends could be dead and this whole journey had been for nothing.</p>
<p>“What now?” she asked, throat dry and thick.</p>
<p>Joel spun towards her, eyes dark and almost confused, like he’d forgotten she was even there. If they were dead, she couldn’t pay him. She thought she could see that he’d come to that same realization and took several steps back, suddenly wary of him in a way she hadn’t been since they’d left Atlanta.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she whispered. He looked back to the note. “We can make it, I can still—”</p>
<p>“Stop,” he interrupted. “I need to think.”</p>
<p>He had no obligation to her, even if he didn’t want to travel alone, she was injured. She’d only slow him down. How the fuck had Nashville been this badly damaged? And when? She suddenly felt incredibly sick and took a seat on a concrete divider, doing everything in her power to slow her breathing.</p>
<p>After several minutes, when she no longer felt in danger of throwing up, she looked to see Joel watching her strangely. She met his gaze, mouth still agape from the tiny breaths she was taking.</p>
<p>“This is how this is gonna go,” Joel began, “we do this, we stop when I say, where I say. You don’t run off, and you don’t speak unless we know we’re in a place that ain’t got nothing that wants to kill us.”</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, dumbfounded.</p>
<p>“I ain’t finished,” he said, holding up a hand. “I tell you to do something, you goddamn better do it. And we sleep in turns. You don’t question me, unless there’s a helluva good reason to. Trust me when I say there usually won’t be.”</p>
<p>“You wanna go all the way to Boston?” She didn’t feel confident enough to add what she was actually thinking. <em>You wanna go all the way to Boston with me.</em> “We don’t have enough supplies to get there, my ribs—”</p>
<p>Joel had turned his back to her and now glanced back, looking her over in contemplation. He scratched the back of his head and then opened his mouth. “We’ll find a safe spot, you’ll block off the doors, and I’ll go track down what I can. We get on the road in two days, gives you a bit of time to make you somewhat useful again. Don’t need the hassle of looking after you with a cracked rib.” He pulled out his revolver and checked the bullets, cursing a bit at the final count. “We got a deal, or what?”</p>
<p>“I can’t exactly say no, can I?”</p>
<p>“You absolutely can, but this is the last time we’re having this talk. After this, what I say goes.”</p>
<p>Amy put a hand on her ribs, massaging them as gingerly as she could. Joel waited, as patient as she assumed the man could manage. Her eyes filled slightly but there really wasn’t any other choice.</p>
<p>“Deal.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>CW: Weed and alcohol again, lol. Older Amy is kind of a mess and doesn't handle her trauma well.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>Summer 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>Barring patrol and other assignments, Amy had not left home in weeks. The risk of seeing <em>him</em> again just wasn’t worth it. It didn’t mean she hadn’t caught the occasional glimpse of him, usually near the stables with Tommy after patrol. Never letting herself close enough to get a good look at how his features had changed. He’d apparently taken to Jackson life quickly, as had that little girl he’d brought with him. Seeing him with a child was honestly mind-boggling. How the hell had he been saddled with a kid? She was too old to be his, it hadn’t been <em>that</em> long since they parted ways. She’d considered questioning Tommy but the two were nearly inseparable, at least it seemed that way. Making up for lost time, she guessed.</p>
<p>The entire thing made her sick to her stomach. Ten fucking years and somehow they were both alive and had found their way to Jackson. At least she had an excuse. This place was what she had been looking for all along. He’d called her stupid for it and now what? If it weren’t for his connection to Tommy, Amy would legitimately believe she was going insane.</p>
<p>Joel. In Jackson.</p>
<p>Joel. Living in a house. With a kid.</p>
<p>It was after sundown, she’d come back from patrol that afternoon and cleaned herself off. Hadn’t been a particularly eventful day although riding with Eugene was always fun. He’d attempted to get her to talk, open up about the strange man she’d impulsively punched. Told her that everyone in town seemed to think he was mostly alright, that the kid was even better but…she couldn’t do it. Thinking about those days didn’t feel like remembering, it felt too real, raw, and awful. He’d made her hate him in a way no one else ever had, even now. She couldn’t risk opening up about it to anyone, too afraid it might make the nightmares come back.</p>
<p>Amy groaned, she had to stop thinking about it.</p>
<p>The lights were off, she’d just been laying in bed. Now she walked over to her record player and put on something to distract herself, turning it up enough to drown out her own thoughts. She laid back down and shut her eyes, instantly her mind pulled up images of him. The look in his eyes after a particularly brutal kill. The rare smile, the one that seemed to grow each time he practiced it. The look in his eyes the last time they’d seen each other. And the other…the pleading, panting, practiced way he’d—</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she breathed out.</p>
<p>A knock came from the door that led into Eugene’s side of the house. Amy growled lightly and rolled herself out of bed, moving to shut off the music but not bothering with the lights. Eugene was leaning against the wall when she opened the door.</p>
<p>“Grab your boots,” he said.</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, wiping at her itching eyes.</p>
<p>“And maybe brush that hair,” he added, stepping into her room without ceremony. “We’re going to the Bison tonight and I’m not taking no for an answer.”</p>
<p>“Eugene, I—”</p>
<p>“Nope, it’s been long enough. No excuses.”</p>
<p>“You know I don’t want to see him.”</p>
<p>“I ain’t asking you to see him.” He found her boots by the door and shoved them at her. “Besides, he hasn’t been there a single night since he’s been here. Don’t think he even knows about it.”</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip and then, with a sigh, crouched down to put her boots on.</p>
<p>“I could definitely use a drink,” she muttered under her breath.</p>
<p>“Atta girl,” Eugene said as she stood up, patting her on the back. “You sitting in this damn room in the dark for weeks has been depressing as hell.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Yeah,” she said, shoving him towards the door. “Let’s go.”</p>
<p>“Rosie’s been asking about you,” Eugene said as they made it onto the street.</p>
<p>“Shit, yeah, I’ve been—”</p>
<p>“Moping.”</p>
<p>“Coping, asshole. I don’t wanna get in a fight with Tommy’s older brother, I’ve been giving him space to settle in.”</p>
<p>“You’ve been hiding, and maybe you shouldn’t punch people in the face if you don’t want to start a fight.” Eugene sped up a bit. “You’re gonna have to learn how to coexist someday.”</p>
<p>“I know,” she whined. “Maria keeps getting on my ass about it before patrol. I just don’t feel the need to rush it. I’m handling things at my own pace.”</p>
<p>“Think Tommy’s been missing having you around as well.”</p>
<p>“Not my fault he’s related to that asshole.”</p>
<p>“You ever gonna tell me what happened between you two,” Eugene asked as he opened the doors to the Bison, holding it open for her to pass through.</p>
<p>“Fuck you,” was her only answer. She made a beeline for the bar, suddenly feeling incredibly thirsty.</p>
<p>Jackson had a decent selection of booze. More than a few of the residents had taken to brewing shortly after the outbreak and with the passage of time they finally stumbled on several decent concoctions.</p>
<p>“Vodka please, as much as you can fit in the glass,” she said to Seth.</p>
<p>“Jesus, already?” Eugene remarked.</p>
<p>She made direct eye contact with him. “It’s been weeks.”</p>
<p>“Beer for me,” he said, grinning jovially at Seth. Eugene put an arm around Amy and squeezed encouragingly. “You’re doing great, kid.”</p>
<p>When Seth brought back their drinks her glass was not quite as full as she would have liked. She took it anyway and Eugene led her to a small table near the back of the room. Eugene told her a story about his Firefly days with Tommy, one she’d heard at least four times already but she didn’t bother to stop him. After about an hour she had finished her glass and switched to beer at Eugene’s urging. She wasn’t drunk, just pleasantly intoxicated and finally feeling her smile returning.</p>
<p>“So, was Rosie supposed to show up tonight?” she asked Eugene while he was sipping his second beer. He shook his head.</p>
<p>“Wanted to start things out slow for you,” he said with a smile. “Plus, she got into an argument with Seth the other night, think she’s waiting for him to cool down.”</p>
<p>As much as she felt shitty for bailing on their meeting the night that Joel had arrived, she was still relieved to not have to see her just yet. She wasn’t up to that level of functioning. Not with everything else. Amy took a swig of her own beer and winced. The ale wasn’t bad, just not really for her. As they lulled into silence, she took a moment to glance around the room for the first time since they’d sat back down and her buzz faded instantly at the sight of an old familiar face sat on the other side of the room with Tommy and Maria. She froze, her beer raised halfway to her lips.</p>
<p>Eugene noticed and turned to get a good look at her distraction.</p>
<p>“Well, shit.” He turned back to her. “Swear he ain’t been here once. Tommy must’ve coaxed him out of his shell.”</p>
<p>Amy was having trouble pulling her gaze away. From her view Joel was in profile. The arch of his nose prominent even in the dull light. When he smiled, teeth barred, at his brother Amy’s heart stopped. Eugene’s hand on hers pulled her back.</p>
<p>“You good?” he asked, seeming genuinely concerned. She faced him again, nodding quickly and finishing off her beer. She took a single steadying breath and looked back to Tommy’s table. There was another woman there, but with her back turned Amy couldn’t tell who she was. Was Tommy already trying to set him up? Jesus Christ.</p>
<p>“Do you have any,” she said, moving her head to the side in a way that only he would know how to read. Eugene smiled and pulled a joint from his shirt pocket, discreetly handing it to her. “I’ll be a minute.”</p>
<p>The night had chilled off a bit from the brutal heat of the day. Amy went to the unlit side of the building, away from prying eyes and lit the joint. She inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in and praying it eased her nerves quickly. She could do this. She repeated it in her head over and over, willing her hands to stop fucking shaking.</p>
<p>“Hey,” a voice drawled behind her. Amy stiffened. She hadn’t heard that sound in years, not outside of her own head anyways. As the silence grew to the point of being nearly ridiculous, she threw her head back and took yet another steadying breath.</p>
<p>“Hey.” If she didn’t face him maybe it would be easier. Joel, however, had other things in mind. Footsteps moved in closer and she decided to beat him to it, turning to see him standing tall but somehow still sheepish. He was close enough to touch. She twiddled the burning joint between her fingers nervously. She’d let him say more if he wanted to. Unfortunately for her, it seemed he did.</p>
<p>“I saw you step out,” he began, still inching closer. He had his hands in his pockets. “I wanted to see you up close…make sure I wasn’t imagining things the other night.”</p>
<p>“I told Tommy to—”</p>
<p>“I know,” he interrupted quickly. He was studying her face, taking her in like she might disappear. “You ain’t gonna hit me again, are ya?”</p>
<p>“Depends,” she said softly.</p>
<p>Joel smiled sadly and it made her heart ache.</p>
<p>Now that he was so close, she took the time to see how time had aged him. His hair was grayer, his beard thicker. New wrinkles and lines. He licked his bottom lip, preparing to speak.</p>
<p>“You look good,” he said, and she thanked the darkness of their little corner for hiding the burning in her cheeks at the comment.</p>
<p>“You look old,” she said quickly. While true, it wasn’t a bad thing. Something about the added years worked well on him. He’d been handsome before but now…</p>
<p>Joel chuckled, “I suppose I do.”</p>
<p>Somehow he still had the audacity to move closer, she turned so that he’d be at her side. She heard him sniff and looked to see him eyeing the joint in her hand. It’d burned out now.</p>
<p>“Is that—”</p>
<p>“Don’t tell Maria. Or Tommy for that matter.”</p>
<p>He breathed in and nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said in the softest version of his voice she’d ever heard.</p>
<p>They were both leaned against a large pile of firewood. Joel crossed one leg over the other, removing his hands from his pockets and crossing his arms over his chest instead. They let the quiet settle and she considered relighting the joint and handing it to him. Would that be stupid? Probably. She did it anyway, eyeing him to see his reaction. To her surprise, he took it.</p>
<p>It was strange to see Joel smoke, he furrowed his brows as he sucked in. When he blew the smoke back out, Amy shut her eyes. He nudged her, and she took the joint back with her eyes still closed. She took a long drag, trying not to think of his lips.</p>
<p>“How are you here?” he asked then, still so soft.</p>
<p>“You didn’t ask Tommy?” Her eyes were open again, there was something she didn’t recognize in his eyes. Something new that he hadn’t been capable of when she’d last seen him.</p>
<p>“I wanted to ask you.”</p>
<p>When she attempted to hand him the joint again, he shook his head.</p>
<p>“Ain’t smoked this stuff since high school, reckon I oughta take it slow.”</p>
<p>“Well,” she said then, taking one final puff before putting the joint out. “I got here the long way.”</p>
<p>“How long?”</p>
<p>“Been here three years.”</p>
<p>“Jesus,” he exhaled. Amy looked at him, he seemed…regretful? Like he was considering where she had been for the rest of the time since they’d last seen each other. “The others? All those friends of yours?”</p>
<p>Her face hardened. “Not here.”</p>
<p>“I’m—”</p>
<p>She stood up straight, not wanting to hear whatever he had to say. “I’ve gotta head back in, Eugene’s waiting on me.”</p>
<p>“Eugene?” If it was possible for a man who she’d seen mercilessly murder countless people to make puppy dog eyes, well…Joel was doing it right now. Amy scoffed at him and he seemed taken aback.</p>
<p>Let him wonder.</p>
<p>She turned on her heel and left without another word or look towards the man.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: alcohol, blood, gore?, masturbation (one of these things is nothing like the others, lol)</p>
<p>things are...picking up</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>July 2023, Somewhere in Kentucky</p>
<p>All things considered, they were making decent progress. Things started to feel much more routine once they were leaving Tennessee. Stand there, take out that infected, help me lift this. Amy was doing her best to listen, to follow his orders. Not because she enjoyed being bossed around but because she couldn’t help but feel grateful that he’d agreed to keep her around. She knew he had issues with being on his own even if he’d never really admit it to her face. And as the weeks went on, it became clear that he would have had a lot more trouble if he was doing all of this by himself.</p>
<p>Amy was pretty certain they were in Kentucky by now, they hadn’t had any luck finding another car this time around but that was mostly because they hadn’t been looking. Joel had decided to avoid cities and major roads, not wanting to risk another attack by other survivors. It also kept them out of the way of large numbers of infected. She was getting the hang of this whole thing.</p>
<p>The problem was that they were officially running low on supplies. There was enough food to last two, maybe three days. And so Joel had made the executive decision to check out a nearby town. There were signs of infected but nothing they couldn’t handle. Joel had been lucky on his scavenging mission back in Nashville, he’d found a good supply of ammo so they weren’t hurting in that department. Especially since he seemed wary of firing at anything even in the more dangerous situations. Made sense to not draw attention to their location and it meant having the bullets for when they were truly needed.</p>
<p>If she was entirely honest with herself, she was starting to respect the man. He knew what he was doing. Sometimes eerily so. Man had a goddamn built-in compass and a bullshit detector to boot. It certainly made it easier to trust him when he gave her an order.</p>
<p>Amy couldn’t say that he seemed anymore fond of her now that they’d been working together for this long, but his outbursts of anger or annoyance—sometimes both—seemed less and less the more she obeyed.</p>
<p>God, that made her sound like a fucking dog. Maybe that’s what he really needed. Man’s best friend and all. He certainly didn’t have any human friends to speak of.</p>
<p>They were entering the town now, the sign post giving its name was too worn to read fully and the letters that were visible had been graffitied over with profanity. Amy could hear the moaning of infected coming from a boarded up motel as they passed it. She turned to Joel for guidance and he simply shook his head and kept walking, rifle out but held casually.</p>
<p>Joel stopped moving on a street that held a stretch of storefronts, listening for any signs of life. His eyes scanned the windows, checking the top floors of one of the buildings before cautiously moving towards it and gesturing for her to follow.</p>
<p>Getting inside without incident, he turned to her.</p>
<p>“You search this place, down here only. I’m heading upstairs.”</p>
<p>“Yes, sir,” she answered.</p>
<p>“Stop doing that,” he grumbled before hunting down the stairwell in the back of the shop.</p>
<p>Amy watched him disappear and then began her search. From what she could tell this place had been an Asian market. <em>Good thinking, old man</em>. She found a few items here and there, carefully placing them in her pack. Maybe people hadn’t thought to ransack this place before they’d fled? Or maybe, her darker mind thought, there was someone squatting here. No need to move the food if this was your home. She huffed a laugh. No, the deal was not to think for herself. Joel knew what he was doing, he would have spotted any signs of another human from a mile away. At least that’s what she’d started to believe.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until the sudden running shout came from behind her that she learned that maybe her instincts were just as good. Someone, or something—it happened too fast to tell immediately—crashed into her from behind, knocking her headfirst into one of the shelves. When her head stopped spinning, she realized it was a man. He crawled on top of her, knife aimed directly at her throat. Instinct took over and Amy grabbed faster than she had imagined she could, she shoved at his arms with all her strength, maintaining it for as long as she could. But then the man slackened his grip and he headbutted her. The crash rattled in her skull and for a moment the man seemed stunned as well. It gave her the time to wriggle out from under him just enough for the knife he swung down again to lodge into her thigh.</p>
<p>Amy screamed.</p>
<p>Turns out getting stabbed sucks, her vision went white with the searing pain of it. For the first real time in along while, she was pretty certain that she was about to die. With whatever strength she had left, she used it to kick out with her good leg, knocking the man off kilter. She grabbed the handle of the knife then and wrenched it out of her leg with a grunt.</p>
<p>There was a crack that rang out next, something like thunder, and the man she had been readying herself to slash at seemed to explode. Tiny pieces of his head were all around them and the red spray of blood covered the area. And her.</p>
<p>Joel walked over to her like this was nothing new. “That the only one?” he asked. Amy shook her head, not knowing the answer but not knowing how to voice that uncertainty either. Joel looked her over, seeing the bloodied knife and nodding. “You should keep that.”</p>
<p>He moved back towards the entrance and then turned back to her.</p>
<p>“Let’s get out of here, you get anything good?”</p>
<p>Still speechless and once more feeling ill at the violence her traveling companion was not only good at but indifferent to, she simply stood still. It wasn't like she was unused to the everyday violence that had become the norm since outbreak, it was just that she was used to it only be reserved for infected. Very rarely did they have to put anyone human down on the routes she had run back in Atlanta. And even then, it had been cold, calculated, and more or less clean.</p>
<p>Joel grabbed her by both shoulders, shaking her lightly to force her eyes to meet his.</p>
<p>“You can’t do this here. Are you hurt?”</p>
<p>“M-my leg,” she stuttered.</p>
<p>Joel glanced her over, eyeing the growing patch of red on her jeans. “Okay, we’ll find a place we can secure and get you patched up.”</p>
<p>He led the way, letting her lean on him a little as they walked. It seemed like the man had been a loner from the lack of returned gunfire or shouts of alarm. She wondered if he’d simply been protecting what was his, maybe that was the last of the food in this town. Maybe he was too afraid to search out more. Taking down one girl, a thief no less, was certainly preferable than going out hunting alone. And he had no way of knowing how little food she had in her bag. How much she needed his.</p>
<p>They wound up making their way back to the motel they’d passed. Joel took care of the infected, quietly as always. He dragged the bodies out of the room he’d chosen after and ushered her inside. They’d gotten lucky apparently, whoever those infected were still had a small stash of supplies they’d let themselves turn next to, including a battery powered camping lantern that still had some juice. Joel turned it on and pulled Amy over to one of the beds, being much more careful with her now.</p>
<p>“Tell me what happened,” he demanded, firm but not with the same bossy air he usually had.</p>
<p>“Knife,” she barked out, trying not to cry. He'd already seen her fall apart once, she refused to let it happen again.</p>
<p>Joel sighed, shaking his head. “Let me see it.”</p>
<p>She looked at him then, a little taken aback. The wound was high on her leg, too high to roll her pants leg up to. Amy gulped and Joel didn’t seem to notice, he was rummaging for medical supplies in his bag. She stood and unbuttoned her jeans, sliding them down just enough to see the injury. Joel looked back to her then, the light just enough to see his face. Stony, passive.</p>
<p>“You’re gonna have to take them all the way off, I can’t wrap it otherwise.”</p>
<p>Amy shivered slightly but did as she was told. She sat back down on the bed and Joel held the lantern up to get a good look, touching her gently as he did so. His fingers were strong, thick and callused and suddenly she was not feeling the pain in her leg so acutely. Joel didn’t so much as blink.</p>
<p>“It ain’t too deep, I’ll have to sew it shut though.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said, her voice remarkably quiet in the dark room.</p>
<p>“Here,” he said then, nudging her legs apart in a way that was completely neutral but that still made her mind wander. He situated himself slightly between her thighs, set the lantern on the bed to better light the cut. She didn’t want to be self-conscious right now, he was doing her a favor, helping her. Healing her. That’s all this was. Clinical and all that shit.</p>
<p>Except Joel was no doctor and she hadn’t seen another man or woman that hadn’t wanted to kill her in more than a month. And whoever he was being right now, this softer version who was caressing the skin of her inner thigh—trying to calm her even though she’d stopped needing that for some time now—whoever this Joel was, she couldn’t help but want to see more of him. She felt warmth pool at her center, fuck this was stupid. <em>Please stop</em>.</p>
<p>Luckily Joel, ever the mood killer, stuck the needle into her thigh at that exact moment and she winced, pulling her legs instinctively together and locking him between them. She blushed and pulled them back apart almost as quickly.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she mumbled, looking away for the first time. She’d been staring too hard at his face, his hands, his chest. She’d never really stopped to consider how handsome he was, been too busy trying not to piss him off. Fuck.</p>
<p>“S’okay,” he said, not seeming to be thinking anything of it. “I’ll warn ya next time.”</p>
<p>And he did, with each subsequent prick of the needle piercing her skin, he gave her a little squeeze beforehand. It didn’t help her mind clear. Luckily he still seemed thoroughly unaffected by the situation. Maybe she was making it awkward for no reason. Maybe Joel didn't care that she was practically straddling him in nothing more than her underwear.</p>
<p>After he’d finished stitching up the cut, it can’t have taken long but it felt like an eternity to her, he wrapped it with cloth. He gingerly lifted her leg as he did so, eyes focused only on his task.</p>
<p>“You’re gonna wanna keep those off at least for tonight,” he said then, gesturing to her discarded jeans. “I’ll check the other rooms, see if I can’t find something a bit looser for you to wear in the meantime.”</p>
<p>He was about to stand up, and she suddenly didn’t want him to move. Didn’t want the moment to end, even if it was one-sided.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said, and she could hear the desperation in her voice. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>His eyes softened, melted a bit like honey. She didn’t try to stop her eyes from bouncing down to his slightly parted lips. When she looked back up she saw that his had done the same, and when they were back on hers that honey was gone. “Get some rest.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Joel had brought her back an over-sized shirt to sleep in and then declared he’d be sleeping in the adjoining room. He took the lantern with him and Amy felt fucking stupid. She ate dinner alone in the dark and decided to go to bed early. Give her leg a little extra time to recover.</p>
<p>There was no way for her to know how long she actually stayed asleep, the only measure of time she had was the amount of times her nightmares made her watch that man’s head explode into red and gore.</p>
<p>When she finally jolted awake she was sweat covered and on the verge of tears. Her entire body shook and the pain in her leg was back in full force. It was too dark to see it and she made the decision to check on Joel, she wasn't used to sleeping so far apart. His snores had become the background noise that she had learned to associate with safety. Maybe she could convince him to let her sleep in his room. There were two beds in both of their rooms, it seemed silly to be so far apart. That’s how she got herself in trouble that day, Joel’s first wrong order. <em>We stick together</em>, that’s what she’d tell him in the morning, she told herself. Knowing that she’d stopped standing up to him long ago at this point. Still, it was nighttime and in the night she was allowed to dream.</p>
<p>Amy tiptoed to the door that separated their rooms, it was cracked slightly. No doubt so he would hear any signs of trouble if there happened to be any.</p>
<p>She pushed carefully inside, surprised to see that both beds were empty.</p>
<p>“Joel?” she whispered, suddenly worried he might have finally abandoned her. That she’d made him uncomfortable earlier. She hadn’t done anything, not really but…</p>
<p>That was when she noticed a sliver of light coming from the bathroom, no doubt emanating from his lantern. She moved forward without thinking, she heard him making sounds, grunts and…something else. More cautious now, she continued on, peeking into the dimly lit room to see Joel’s figure leaned against the wall. He was moving strangely and her mind couldn’t help but jump to the jerky movements of infected. Her heart nearly stopped at the thought until she saw…</p>
<p><em>Oh</em>.</p>
<p>The grunting sounds made sense, he was attempting to muffle them, silence the sounds of pleasure even as his hand worked along himself. He was far enough from the light that everything was in shadow, only his face showed enough to make out the details. His eyes were only slightly open, veiled and dreamy from what she could see and his whole body seemed both relaxed and rigid. There was something intoxicating about the look and sound of him like this. Maybe because it was the first time she’d seen him vulnerable? Amy felt herself grow warm again and then she felt shame for looking.</p>
<p>Until another thought occurred: was he thinking about her?</p>
<p>It could certainly be a coincidence that he was touching himself now after he'd spent a good few minutes sandwiched between her thighs but she already knew he was good at hiding what he was thinking and feeling…she looked in again, biting her bottom lip.</p>
<p>They hadn’t exactly had any real chance at privacy this whole time they’d been on the road together. It didn’t have to be about her, he could just be seizing the chance to get off after weeks and weeks without. His movements increased as he grew closer to his end goal and she backed away slowly, still warm and wet and unsure of if this meant anything at all. She made her way carefully back to her own bed and took advantage of the privacy as well.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Joel decided to stay at the motel for a few days to allow her to recover and to properly loot the rest of the town. Taking down infected where they found them but not running into another human no matter how far and wide they’d searched. That man Joel had killed must have been so lonely. Then again, he had attacked her with a knife without so much as a cursory hello so maybe he liked it that way.</p>
<p>Joel had wanted her to stay behind for her leg but Amy had managed to work up the courage to demand they stick together from now on. He could still have his nights separate for now but she didn’t feel safe being apart when they weren’t holed up in barricaded rooms. To her shock, he’d actually agreed that it was a better plan and he was easy on her when she asked for time to rest her leg while they were out scavenging.</p>
<p>If she didn’t know better she’d think he felt guilty for getting her hurt. Fuck, maybe he did.</p>
<p>It was the first time she’d been injured that hadn’t been her own fault, maybe he actually recognized that. She wouldn’t ruin it by bringing it up with him but without meaning to she smiled softly to herself.</p>
<p>When she looked back up she saw that Joel was watching her strangely.</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, self-conscious.</p>
<p>“What’s got you in such a good mood?” his voice was softer than normal, almost playful.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she lied. Joel cleared his throat and moved on, reaching for the door to an old bank.</p>
<p>“Let’s check in here,” he said, pushing in.</p>
<p>“You looking for cold, hard cash?” she asked, following close behind.</p>
<p>“Always wanted to be rich.”</p>
<p>Amy chuckled.</p>
<p>“I reckon if anyone wanted to hoard supplies, a bank vault would be a guaranteed safe place to keep it. If that fella we took down was the only one left alive in this town, maybe he was coming from here when he found you.”</p>
<p>“Fair enough,” she said, a little sadly. It’d been two days already but the images still played in her head whenever she thought about the man. Didn’t help that she was now using his knife to take down infected when they came across them.</p>
<p>Joel found the room they were looking for and sure enough, the door to it was cracked just enough to squeeze through. No infected anywhere in sight.</p>
<p>“There we go,” she heard him say from inside the vault. Amy clicked on her flashlight and followed him in. He was shining his light over stacks and stacks of canned food, bottled water, and other items. Joel whistled. “It’s a goddamn shame we can’t carry it all.”</p>
<p>“We could try to find a car again,” she suggested, using her light to look around the room. She saw a small bed, a ratty pillow resting atop it. She had to remind herself over and over that he had tried to kill her. Sometimes it worked. But when she found a photo hidden beneath the blanket, of a younger version of the man who had attacked her and what seemed to be his wife and child the usual trick didn’t work. She tucked the photo into her bag, sniffling slightly before moving to the other side of the room. There was a large square counter there, she opened a cabinet door and gasped.</p>
<p>“What?” Joel asked, suddenly alarmed.</p>
<p>Amy let out a genuine laugh, pulling out one of the items and showing it to Joel.</p>
<p>“Jackpot,” she said. Inside the cabinet were at least a dozen bottles of different types of alcohol. “He must’ve cleaned the damn town dry for all of this.”</p>
<p>“That’s the last thing I need, you drunk off your ass while I’m getting ripped apart by a clicker.”</p>
<p>“Oh come on, we’re gonna be here a few days, right? One bottle can’t hurt,” she said, hugging the bottle to her chest desperately. If anything would help her sleep, this had to be one thing that was most likely.</p>
<p>Joel put his hands on his hips, tucked his head slightly and shook it. “Fine, but you don’t touch it until we get back to the motel for the night.” Amy smiled brightly at him and removed her backpack to unzip it. “And just the one bottle, we gotta carry as much of the rest of this as we can.”</p>
<p>Amy bobbed her head mockingly and when Joel’s back was turned she grabbed a second bottle.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Joel had made a little fire in an old rusty trash can, he was heating up some of the food they’d found. They’d hunkered down for the day back in the motel, a large dresser pulled in front of the door to keep them safe during the night. They’d managed to track down a beat up old truck in a parking lot on the far side of town. It didn’t have a full tank but even a few hours not walking was a blessing.</p>
<p>They’d returned to the bank to grab as many of the supplies as they could reasonably use. The plan was to set out first thing the next morning and see how far the truck would take them. The hope was that wherever they ran out of gas would be somewhere they could recoup, use up the supplies they could without having to leave too much behind. As things sat tonight however, they weren’t making any attempts to ration their newfound food. Amy would call it a feast if it weren’t mostly comprised of canned meats and veggies. Still, she wasn't about to openly complain about having a full belly for the first time in too long.</p>
<p>As a bonus, she’d found some fresh clothes to change into and so had Joel. He was in a blue t-shirt and she'd never say it out loud but she was enjoying the way it stretched across his broad chest. The way his arms bulged as he worked. The jeans he wore were a little tighter than his previous pair and she actively had to pull her eyes away from him when he was hunched over the fire.</p>
<p>While Joel continued heating up their dinner, Amy went hunting for something to pour the booze she’d found into. There was a supply closet near the motel office that opened up without too much of a fuss and she grabbed a still sealed sleeve of paper cups. She took a handful of tiny shampoo and soap bottles with her as well, not that they had water to clean themselves with here but maybe one day they’d get lucky. The prospect of not smelling like sweat and death for once was another dream to which she aspired.</p>
<p>Upon returning, Amy made sure to push the dresser back in its place against the door. When she’d poured them both a cup of whiskey, she went to sit down across from Joel, her back pressed against the bed. He accepted the cup but didn’t drink immediately.</p>
<p>“So,” Amy said, taking her first sip of the night. “How far do you think that piece of junk will take us?”</p>
<p>“If we’re lucky?” he asked, scratching the back of his neck. “We might make it to West Virginia…how far in, I don’t know. Depends on how clear the roads are.”</p>
<p>Amy nodded her head softly, lifting the cup to her lips and draining the rest of it.</p>
<p>She poured another.</p>
<p>Joel looked at her over the fire, “Take it easy.”</p>
<p>“You gonna let me drive tomorrow?” she asked, eyebrow raised in question. He set his face, an obvious <em>no</em> in his expression. “Then whether or not I’m hungover in the morning hardly matters.”</p>
<p>Joel cleared his throat and scooped some food onto the tin plates they usually ate from, he handed the first one to her and she took it gratefully, finally setting her drink down to dig in properly.</p>
<p>“You know you’re not so bad,” she said after a few bites. Joel rolled his eyes and took his first gulp from the drink, wincing slightly. Amy continued eating, finding her eyes drifting over to the man across from her every few minutes. When she finished her plate, she shoved it to the side. She felt warm again, the alcohol making its way through her veins and releasing tension. “I mean it.”</p>
<p>Joel was wiping at his mouth, having finished his second helping. He met her eyes, a question in them.</p>
<p>“You act tough and grumpy but I think there’s a soft gushy center somewhere in there.”</p>
<p>Joel chuckled, “You’re drunk.”</p>
<p>Amy smiled wide, “Am not. Not yet anyway.”</p>
<p>Joel scooted across the floor, moving to sit beside her with his back against the bed. He lifted the bottle of whiskey, studying the label. “This is actually pretty decent.”</p>
<p>“You’re changing the subject,” she said, snatching the liquor back and nudging him in the side. She decided to forgo the cup and sipped right from the bottle. “You could have left me in Nashville, found somewhere closer than Boston to head to.”</p>
<p>Joel sighed, finishing his cup and taking the bottle again. He took a swig. “If I did that, I wouldn’t get paid. And all those days listening to you yammer on would’ve been in vain.”</p>
<p>“Shut up, I’m a goddamn delight. You’d be bored out of your mind without me.”</p>
<p>“You certainly keep things interesting,” he conceded. “Having to save your ass every other day or so…”</p>
<p>Amy let the last comment go, choosing whiskey over words for which Joel seemed at least mildly grateful. She was starting to get a handle on reading him, at least she was pretty sure she was. The man mainly communicated in scowls and annoyed grunts but his eyes were the key. There was a look that told her when she was being too much, another for when he was feeling just a tad more lenient to her charms. He wouldn’t call them that but that’s just because he was a dick. She thought back to the look he had as he stitched her up that first night in the motel. There wasn’t a clear word for it yet, or she hadn’t figured it out at least. But there was definitely a bit of actual, genuine care in it. Even if he was only concerned about her safety for his own good, that didn’t mean it wasn’t there.</p>
<p>At this point, after more than a month alone together, she’d take what she could get.</p>
<p>Amy passed him the bottle, unprompted, and to her delight, he took another sip.</p>
<p>“Been too long since I’ve felt this good,” he said suddenly.</p>
<p>She turned to look at him, he was still seated at her side. He’d seemed to melt slightly, relaxing into the softness of the bed. The firelight did him many favors, the orange glow coloring his skin and sharpening his cheekbones where the light couldn’t hit. His eyes were closed, his face soft. If she was braver she might reach over to stroke his hair. There was just the smallest bit of gray in it, near his ears.</p>
<p>“Tell me something about who you were before the outbreak,” she asked quietly. He didn’t open his eyes but she saw him lick his bottom lip and then bite it, thinking.</p>
<p>“Like what?” his voice was low, a little unsteady.</p>
<p>Amy took a moment to think, wondering what she could ask without triggering his bad side.</p>
<p>“What’d you do for a living?”</p>
<p>Joel breathed out slowly through his nose. “Carpenter.”</p>
<p>“Like Jesus?” she said without thinking. That earned a proper laugh from him and he opened his eyes to look at her, an actual smile curling his lips. It was nice. “Were you good at it?”</p>
<p>“I’d like to think so,” he said, reaching for the bottle again.</p>
<p>The fire was starting to die down, neither of them bothered to add more fuel to it.</p>
<p>“So you were good with your hands back then too,” she said without any meaning behind it. Joel pulled a face, and suddenly her cheeks were on fire. “I meant…you’re good at, um, crafting and ya know, pummeling infected into paste.”</p>
<p>“Uh huh.”</p>
<p>Was this flirting? Was he allowing her to flirt? Was she just too drunk already to know anything about anything? She should really change the subject but now all she could do was think about his hands. Without meaning to she looked at them. Remembered the feel of them on her skin. He wasn’t an overly touchy man when he didn't have to be so that sensation had fully burned itself into her mind. Maybe it would fade with time. Part of her didn’t want it to. It’d been so long since she’d been given any form of affection. She wondered how long it had been for him. Did he even need it at this point?</p>
<p>There was obviously something still alive in his old, shriveled heart. If what she had witnessed the other night was any indication. He wasn’t completely closed off to needing physical touch, no matter how much he wanted to act like it.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said then, almost like she didn’t want him to hear her.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” He'd shut his eyes again.</p>
<p>“Can you sleep in here tonight? It feels safer when you’re in the same room as me…”</p>
<p>She watched him, saw his jaw tighten.</p>
<p>“Alright,” he said but there was clear hesitation in his voice. Amy couldn’t be entirely sure where it was coming from. Was unwilling to read too far into it. She leaned into him then, just enough for their arms to touch. He didn’t move away.</p>
<p>They stayed like that until the bottle was finished and the trash can contained only embers. Joel grunted then, climbing up to his feet and to her surprise, he reached down to give her a hand up. She took it, his grip was firm.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like he hadn’t had to help her climb into half demolished buildings, not like he hadn’t touched various parts of her body multiple times just trying to move through the world but…</p>
<p>But all those times had been necessary, this time it was just…</p>
<p>He pulled her to her feet and in the darkness she could only just barely make out the look in his eyes. Hard to read, one of those unfamiliar ones again. Whiskey made him shorter, short enough that when she was fully upright she had no trouble pulling his face down to hers and for some ungodly reason, she didn’t hesitate to press her lips against his. Joel exhaled through his nose, the scent of whiskey thick between them. But then he grabbed her wrist, hard. Wrenched it from his jaw and pulled her away from him.</p>
<p>“We ain’t doing this,” he said coldly. His eyes were hard again, all his walls firmly rebuilt.</p>
<p>He still held her wrist in his grip, it was starting to hurt.</p>
<p>Almost as soon as the pain began to register, he released her. Joel stomped to the door of the adjoining room and shut it behind him.</p>
<p>Sometime in the night, however, she awoke to the sounds of gentle snoring in the bed beside hers.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>July 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>Amy got back from patrol later than normal. The sun had set by the time she’d finished getting her horse back into the stables. She’d started to settle slightly, knowing Joel was in Jackson. Now when she saw his face, she didn’t feel the need to run as often. They still hadn’t said more than a casual hello to each other since the night at the Bison. The civility was more for Tommy’s sake then her own, more than once she’d return from patrol to see the two brothers chatting and drinking a beer on Tommy and Maria's front porch.</p>
<p>So timid acknowledgment of Joel’s existence had become the norm.</p>
<p>A few streets away from home, she began to hear the ringing of guitar strings and paused her progress. It was slow, somewhat uneven in rhythm but still beautiful. She found herself following the sound without questioning exactly why. It led her down a side street and then through a gate from the greenhouses. Amy let out a breath at the sight of him, he was perched up on his back porch, plucking away with the guitar sat in his lap. She moved closer.</p>
<p>“I thought you said you didn’t know how to play any instruments?” she said from the bottom of the steps. Old age seemed to have dulled his sense of hearing because when Joel looked up he actually looked surprised. Maybe he’d just been lost in the music.</p>
<p>“Did I?” he asked, shifting his position to set the guitar down.</p>
<p>Amy nodded, taking a step upward. “Yep, right before Nashville, I think. I asked when we stayed in that old music store.”</p>
<p>He frowned, looking down. “Reckon I lied then.”</p>
<p>When she was on the porch, she stayed by the stairs, leaning against the railing and facing him.</p>
<p>“I’m a bit rusty,” he added. “Been uh, trying to teach Ellie how to play. Who would’ve thought twenty years away from a guitar would have me sounding this bad?”</p>
<p>“Sounded okay to me.”</p>
<p>“You’re being kind,” he said with a sad smile.</p>
<p>“Never.”</p>
<p>Joel chuckled at that, a lingering smile staying on his lips long after.</p>
<p>It still felt awkward, being alone and near him. “So,” she began, shakily. “How’ve you been liking Jackson so far?”</p>
<p>“It’s certainly taken some adjusting,” he said, standing up from his chair. He walked to the railing and leaned against it, looking out to the yard while she still faced the house. Amy turned her head to look at him beside her. “How’s it feel proving me wrong?”</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, bewildered.</p>
<p>“This place, reckon it’s what you were looking for all along.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” she said, breathing out a laugh. “Doesn’t feel too bad.”</p>
<p>He turned to her, eyes studying her carefully. They still held that soft intensity that made her think he was still unsure just how real she was. Knowing him, he probably buried her in his head years ago and never looked back. She wished she could say the same.</p>
<p>“It wasn’t easy,” she added, looking away when his stare went on too long. “You weren’t entirely wrong about everything that’s out there. There were more than a few times when I wish I hadn’t,” she stopped herself, not wanting to say too much.</p>
<p>Whatever had happened between them was ancient history and whoever he was now was someone she didn’t know. The past didn’t matter, not in Jackson. Amy sighed and then faced him head on.</p>
<p>“Look,” she started, finding her voice. “I’m not saying there isn’t still part of me that hates you a little, but if we are both going to be here…I’m going to try not to hold a grudge. And I won’t go so far as to say I completely forgive you for everything but,” she stopped when his hand inched closer to hers, she removed her hand from the railing and looked down at her feet. Steeling herself before meeting his eyes again. “But we’re good, okay?”</p>
<p>Joel smiled sadly again. “Maria talk to you?”</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip, “More than once.”</p>
<p>He nodded off into the distance. “For what it’s worth,” he began after a few moments of silence. “I’m sorry for all of it.”</p>
<p>Something about the phrasing made her eyes sting, she turned again to the house, not wanting him to see.</p>
<p>“I should head home, gotta get cleaned up. It’s been a long day and I still need to shower.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, alright,” he said with a shaky voice, he pulled away from the railing.</p>
<p>“See ya,” she said, avoiding looking at him as much as possible as she headed for the stairs.</p>
<p>“Amy,” he called out before she could get too far. She sighed and turned to him one last time, grateful that she was in the darkness while he was still bathed in porch light. “I’m glad you made it.”</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip and nodded once, disappearing into the darkness without another word.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The next few days passed slowly, patrol and other duties filling most of her time. And then it was a Monday, a fresh week with a new schedule set. She’d been put on greenhouse duty for the first time since Joel had arrived and that meant she’d have to face Rosie for the first time since as well. Amy had managed to avoid the other woman all this time. When she stepped up to the greenhouse, Rosie was holding a watering can and smiling.</p>
<p>“Hey ya,” she said upon seeing her.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Amy said sheepishly. “How much do you hate me?”</p>
<p>Rosie laughed, “Enough to put you on fertilizer duty.”</p>
<p>“Fair,” she said, stepping inside.</p>
<p>“You’ve had an odd time since I last saw you,” Rosie continued. “Heard you fought Tommy’s older brother?”</p>
<p>“I just…” she sighed, “I hit him a little. One time.”</p>
<p>The last time she and Rosie had been alone together, they’d been drinking a stolen bottle from behind the bar, Seth had gone into the back to make food and Amy had been feeling mischievous. They’d walked the streets of Jackson with it, chatting and laughing until something had shifted. Rosie had kissed her, a drunken sloppy kiss that may or may not have meant something to either of them. But then Rosie had made her promise to meet again for drinks and then…Joel.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like Amy was especially good at dating, not like she’d ever had a proper template for what dating someone could be. Maybe it was better if the kiss was just a one off.</p>
<p>“You gonna explain why you hit him, then?” Rosie asked, pulling her from her thoughts as she was digging through a small bin where the fertilizer was kept.</p>
<p>“Rocky history,” she said. Not a lie. Not fully the truth of it either. “Things didn’t end well, last time we were together.”</p>
<p>Rosie raised a brow.</p>
<p>“We traveled together for a bit,” Amy said, she was not going to take the bait. “It was a long time ago and he was an asshole. Kinda screwed me over. That’s all.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Rosie said, returning to the rows of veggies they had growing and sprinkling them with water. “You’re good now though, right? Or do we have yet another enemy?”</p>
<p>“He’s…fine. We’re okay.”</p>
<p>“Well, I’m still holding a grudge for him making you miss our date,” Rosie said simply and Amy’s cheeks warmed. Before either woman could say more, Tommy stepped into the greenhouse, eyes on Amy.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he said and she could already tell he was going to ask her for a favor. Amy stopped what she was doing and folded her arms over her chest in expectation. Tommy winced. “Can I get you to take my spot on patrols this morning,” he said apologetically. “Maria’s got some business here she needs my help with.”</p>
<p>Amy turned to Rosie, “Can you spare me?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” she said, wearing a disappointed smile.</p>
<p>Tommy led Amy out and they walked towards her house to pick up her gear.</p>
<p>“Really appreciate this, Amy.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah. Which route is it?” She lifted her bag and double checked her gun and knife were inside before shouldering it.</p>
<p>“Teton,” he said, standing in the doorway. “I’d let Joel do it alone but he hasn’t got enough experience memorizing the trails just yet.”</p>
<p>Amy froze, glaring harshly at the man.</p>
<p>“Oh come on,” he said, exasperated. “He told me you two talked, worked things out. You’ll be fine.”</p>
<p>“You’re doing this on purpose,” she said then, wishing for a meteor.</p>
<p>“It’s only a few hours, just need you to wait at the lodge for a bit until we can replace you. Besides, Joel told me you two worked well together back in the day.”</p>
<p>“Because he bossed me around. It wasn’t an equal partnership.”</p>
<p>“Well, you get to be the boss this time. Show him the ropes and all that.”</p>
<p>“You suck,” she said, shutting the door behind them as they continued on to their destination.</p>
<p>Joel was already waiting at the stables, running his hand over his horse’s side. He dipped his head in greeting to her and she walked over to get her own horse brought out. Tommy and Joel talked briefly about the route before the younger of the two turned to Amy again.</p>
<p>“Thanks again,” he said with a genuine smile. She had half a mind to flip him off but chose to smile sarcastically instead. “Be safe out there.”</p>
<p>“You ready,” Joel asked her once Tommy was gone, she nodded and he climbed up onto the back of the horse. “After you, then.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>They’d ridden along the route in silence, for which she was grateful. He stayed behind her, keeping pace but never overtaking her. They were coming to the first lookout.</p>
<p>“This way,” she called out, jumping her horse over a barrier. She dismounted and removed the covering over the entrance that kept the place secure. Joel was behind her quickly, tying his horse up next to hers. “Sign us in,” she said then, wanting to put some distance between them.</p>
<p>“Yes, ma’am,” he answered, dutifully walking over to the log book that sat on a table near the back of the room. Fucking bizarre.</p>
<p>Amy went to the window that overlooked the trail towards the next lookout, keeping an eye out for signs of any infected. They hadn’t run into any along the way yet. Joel stepped up to stand beside her after a while.</p>
<p>“Where to now?” he asked.</p>
<p>“The lodge,” she answered, pointing at the distant point on the horizon.</p>
<p>“Quite a few houses along the way, looks like. You ever check them out when you’re on this trail?”</p>
<p>“Sometimes,” she said, absently.</p>
<p>“You up to hit some of them?”</p>
<p>Amy turned to him, “You bored?”</p>
<p>“Just figured it might be worth it. Plus, that's the job, ain't it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, okay.” She checked the window once more before heading back for the horses. “Let’s go.”</p>
<p>They rode out, listening carefully as they came upon a row of houses. Most were partially collapsed after a few too many heavy winters but a few still looked safe enough to enter. They tied the horses out in front of one, twisting the reins around an old wooden fence. Joel motioned for her to lead the way and she pulled out her gun.</p>
<p>The tell-tale sounds of a clicker were clear once they were stood outside of the partially opened screen door. Amy crouched and pushed her way inside with Joel not far behind her. She clicked on her flashlight, aiming it around to find the source of the sounds. They found two clickers on opposite sides of a kitchen island and she gestured for Joel to go after the one on the right while she inched her way closer to the one on the left. They took them down easily, Amy sliding her knife into the neck of hers with little struggle.</p>
<p>She wiped her blade on her pant leg and turned to Joel. “Good job,” she said, letting herself breathe deeper now that they didn’t need to worry about sound.</p>
<p>“I <em>do</em> still know what I’m doing,” he added while she searched the kitchen cabinets. She didn’t respond to that so he went on, “You wanna hit the next one?”</p>
<p>They found a few runners and one more clicker in the remaining houses, they moved through each room silently, taking out the infected without alerting a single one. An hour or so must have passed before Amy decided they’d done enough, they got back to the horses and headed for the lodge.</p>
<p>“You’re a lot quieter than I remember,” Joel said as they rode along.</p>
<p>“Can’t tell if that’s an insult,” she answered back.</p>
<p>“Just an observation,” he said as they trotted through a shallow stream. He adjusted himself in the saddle and Amy rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>“Well, you’re a lot more keen on conversation than you used to be.”</p>
<p>Joel chuckled but said nothing.</p>
<p>When they made it to the lodge they dismounted just outside the doors. The sun was high in the sky but beginning its descent into the west, they probably had a good hour or two before the next pair showed up to relieve them. She was grateful it wasn’t longer, checking those houses had been a good idea.</p>
<p>This time Joel went for the logbook without having to be told. Amy removed her backpack and set it on the nearest couch, planting herself beside it and letting her muscles relax.</p>
<p>“What’d Tommy have to pull you away from to get you out here with me?” Joel asked after a few minutes.</p>
<p>“Greenhouses,” she said back with her eyes closed and head rested on the back of the couch.</p>
<p>“I think they’ve got Ellie working on them some days, she seems to hate it.”</p>
<p>“It’s nice, peaceful. Maybe not for a kid though.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said casually. She could hear him walking towards her. “I reckon she’d rather be out here.”</p>
<p>“Brave,” she breathed out, feeling his weight beside her as he sat down.</p>
<p>“Incredibly,” he added, shifting slightly against the cushions. “I bet you’d like her, she’s something else. A handful sometimes.”</p>
<p>Amy couldn’t help but laugh. “Not sure I’ll ever get over the idea of you with a kid.”</p>
<p>Joel went silent after that, she turned her head and looked at him at last. He was staring down at that same old watch he used to wear back in the day. The face of it was shattered now. A younger, curious part of her threatened to come back to life as she watched him. If she was the girl he used to know, she’d ask about it.</p>
<p>He caught her staring then and she sat up, turning to her bag to rummage through it for something to snack on. Remembering that she’d not taken the time to throw any food into her bag, she sat back, sighing.</p>
<p>“You hungry?” Joel asked, reading her a little too easily for her to feel comfortable.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she said, clearly lying.</p>
<p>Joel scooted forward, slapped his legs and stood. “I’ll see what I can do.”</p>
<p>He quickly found the hot plate that sat behind the old cafe counter. There were several bottles of propane there as well and he hooked it up to one. There were a few cans of soup and other things left behind from one of the other patrols, he filled an old pot and placed it over the burner, making lots of noise as he did so. Apparently a nap was out of the question.</p>
<p>Amy sighed and stood, walking over to sit on a stool across from Joel as he stirred. There was a part of her that hated how easy he seemed around her, he was so different than how he’d been ten years ago. Even the times when he lightened up back then, it wasn’t like this. Part of her hated it, but the other part, the part Jackson had cultivated and helped breathe life back into felt something…different.</p>
<p>He caught her staring again and smiled, just a small one but it was full of warmth.</p>
<p>“Why’d you leave Boston?” she asked then without entirely meaning to.</p>
<p>“Long story,” he said, somewhat solemnly. “But it was for Ellie. Wasn't entirely of my own volition.”</p>
<p>Amy nodded, looking away again and glancing around the room. Joel finished heating up the soup and scooped out bowls for the two of them. He stayed on his side of the counter to eat his and she remained firmly planted on her stool, blowing over a spoonful before taking a bite.</p>
<p>“Shit,” he cursed suddenly.</p>
<p>Her eyes widened in question.</p>
<p>“Burned it a bit,” he said, grimacing.</p>
<p>“Tastes fine to me,” she said, blowing off another spoonful. “Better than most of what we used to have together when we were on the road.”</p>
<p>“I recall a pretty good night when we had peaches and coffee liqueur,” he said, a spark in his eyes as he said it. Her cheeks went red at the memory of that night and she nearly choked on her food.</p>
<p>“That’s hardly what I’d call a meal,” she said, trying to shake the thoughts away.</p>
<p>“Wasn’t talking about the meal,” he went on, eyeing his bowl but still smiling devilishly.</p>
<p>Amy cleared her throat. Fuck.</p>
<p>He was flirting. She fucking knew going on patrol with him would be bad. Too close to how things used to be, too easy to fall into old, familiar habits. Very bad habits with an even worse man.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna go check outside, see if I can’t spot the next group,” she said then, standing up from her chair and pushing her bowl aside.</p>
<p>Joel looked like he wanted to say something but kept it to himself this time, thank god.</p>
<p>She rode her horse to the ridge and looked out, spying a pair of riders coming up along the trail. Good. Just make it back to Jackson and then avoid him like hell again. And maybe she could smack Tommy for pairing them up. It’d certainly be the last favor she did for him for a while.</p>
<p>She rode back to the lodge and waited for the others outside, running her fingers through her horses mane to pass the time. It wasn’t long before she felt Joel’s eyes on her where he stood, she turned to see him leaning against the doorframe.</p>
<p>“They’ll be here soon,” she said, turning away again.</p>
<p>He walked over to her wordlessly, fastening her forgotten backpack to the horse’s saddle. His hand drifted casually over the small of her back as he passed her by on the way to his own horse. Amy took a shuddering breath and shut her eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>may or may not post the next chapter today...tell me how you're liking this so far. also I made a tumblr for tlou (mostly joel), so feel free to follow me over there. same username.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Fuck it, it's the weekend, have some more! Plus seven is my favorite number :P<br/>CW: more blood and violence but like, that's just gonna keep happening. Also...sex. There will be more of that so I'll probably stop warning about it for a bit.</p>
<p>This is the first time I've ever written smut so bear with me if it's not great.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>Late August/Early September 2023, West Virginia</p>
<p>They ran out of gas about fifty miles outside of Huntington. It was still early in the day and other than ushering her to hurry up and get ready that morning, Joel had been silent. No mention of the kiss at all. Which wasn’t a bad thing, she already had one headache to worry about. The last thing Amy needed was to be more embarrassed by her actions than she already was. She’d been stupid, she figured he knew that and had decided there was no point in mentioning the act now that they had put the motel so far behind them.</p>
<p>They walked until her leg started acting up, they rested, ate, then were back to it until the sun started sinking and forced them to stop. They’d find a place for the night, depending on the security of it they would either both sleep at once or take turns until morning.</p>
<p>He hadn’t said anything but she knew he was giving her more time for sleep than he was allowing for himself. After several days of this and minimal run ins with infected, they made it to Huntington. She’d grown used to the quiet again. Of <em>this</em> version of Joel. They still had some food from Kentucky but not enough for Joel to feel comfortable heading through a town without at least attempting to find more. So they set about their way, checking abandoned homes and entering old stores through busted out glass doors until he felt safe enough to move on.</p>
<p>At this point everything felt so routine, the days all blended together.</p>
<p>Fighting infected was second nature. She’d never had reason to use stealth when she was doing sweeps outside of the QZ in Atlanta. If she was just a little bit crazier she might admit to missing the sound of gunfire. But Joel had instilled in her that wasting bullets was always going to be a last resort. She’d only had to fire her gun six times since they’d left Nashville. She rarely un-holstered it at this point. Joel still kept his pistol in hand if they were entering somewhere new but she had become complacent in her trust of him. Always leading. Her protector.</p>
<p>It had to have been a week, maybe two, since Kentucky. They were in an old house, having stopped earlier than normal. She didn’t know why, didn’t ask. Joel had gone straight to bed without dinner and she was on watch. The sun had set at least an hour prior, she had her gun out now just to give her hands something to fiddle with. After another hour passed, Amy decided she was sick of the dark and built a fire in the old fireplace the house. Whoever had lived here before had a small pile of wood set aside. Kind of them. She couldn’t help but wonder if they had made it somewhere safe.</p>
<p>She set her gun on the mantle and warmed her hands. The nights were chillier than they should be this time of year, not cold really but just enough that sitting still for too long was enough to make her shiver. Maybe she was getting sick. Maybe they were just getting low on food again.</p>
<p>Joel had insisted on smaller meals again, only eating tiny bits in the morning and then again when they stopped at night.</p>
<p>Amy had swept the house after he’d gone to bed, found a few canned items that had long since expired but she’d packed them away all the same. They hadn’t been allowed to be picky. Not for a long time.</p>
<p>Her mind flashed back to Thanksgiving dinners pre-outbreak.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she whispered to herself. Fresh cooked meals, not the shit they gave you in the Quarantine Zones. Not the cans of bullshit they found along their route. Actual fucking food.</p>
<p>A creak of floorboards came from the hall behind her and she sighed. He shouldn’t be up yet, it’d barely been four hours. Amy shook her head.</p>
<p>“Go back to bed, I’m not even ti—”</p>
<p>“Don’t fucking move,” a strange voice hissed. Amy froze, still facing the fireplace. Her gun was within sight, she shifted slightly. “Reach for it and you’re dead.”</p>
<p>Amy raised her hands slowly. “I don’t wanna hurt you.”</p>
<p>“Turn around,” the voice commanded. Amy did as she was told. Like always. At least this person was fucking talking.</p>
<p>The two figures in front of her had to be around her age, maybe slightly older. They looked…hungry.</p>
<p>Both stood half a head taller than her but they weren’t imposing at all. Their clothes were filthy, falling apart in places and completely torn to shreds in others. She and Joel were clearly fairing much better than the two of them.</p>
<p>“I have food, you can have it if you just go now.” Amy was trying to remain calm, she could make this go away. They were just desperate and they hadn’t attacked straight away like the rest of the survivors they’d encountered thus far. She nodded her head towards her bag where it sat on the couch. “Take whatever you want.”</p>
<p>She noticed now that the silent one was a woman, she had light hair and a large bruise forming on her cheek. The woman was eyeing the bag cautiously, she looked to her companion who nodded. The woman scuttled forward and slung the bag over her shoulder.</p>
<p>“No,” Amy said. “I need the bag. Just take the food, I need—”</p>
<p>A growling sound she had never heard before echoed through the room before she could find its source. Then the man was on the ground, Joel stood above him with a baseball bat held tightly in his grip. He took another swing before either women in the room could react. The strange woman shook herself out of the shock first, reaching for her gun and firing off a few rounds. Joel was too fast for her, he dodged each bullet, using the couch as a shield. And then Amy saw the shine of metal.</p>
<p>“Joel, NO!” Amy shouted too late. The woman touched the spot on her chest where he’d shot her, Amy heard the familiar sound of someone choking on their own blood before the woman fell to the floor in a bleeding heap.</p>
<p>Joel quickly searched the room and the front porch to be sure they’d come alone and then searched both of the bodies. Amy hadn’t said another word and he hadn’t even bothered to look at her. He noticed the backpack still slung over the woman’s shoulder where she lay on the floor and lifted it up, carelessly nudging the woman’s arm with his boot when it got stuck in the strap.</p>
<p>Joel walked over to her, holding the bag up. Amy’s eyes were glued onto the two bodies. On the shattered bat that Joel had tossed aside after landing the final blow.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Joel said, pulling her attention away. He tilted her chin up with his bloodied hand. “I’ll take care of the bodies, get some rest.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>“I had them under control,” Amy said without prompting. They were back on the road and it was the first thing she’d said all day. Joel stopped walking and looked her over.</p>
<p>“They had a gun on you.”</p>
<p>“They were hungry, we could’ve—”</p>
<p>“Stop,” Joel said. He was in front of her, his hand held up. “They weren’t our problem.”</p>
<p>Amy scoffed, “They didn’t have to be a problem at all, I offered them food and you just—”</p>
<p>“You did what?” Something between shock and outrage colored Joel’s face then.</p>
<p>“I told you, they were just fucking hungry. That could’ve been us or anyone else.”</p>
<p>“Amelia,” he said sternly and it was the first time he’d actually said her name in weeks. Something about it made her eyes burn. He seemed to notice the tears welling and shook his head, laughing hollowly. “Listen,” he said when he looked back to her. “Do you want to make it to Boston or not?”</p>
<p>Amy didn’t answer, she just stared at him.</p>
<p>“There is only one way we make it there with both of us alive, and it ain’t by helping every stranger we find,” he continued. “I've said it before but if you have a problem with how I deal with things, then you are more than welcome to go your own way, I ain’t stopping you.”</p>
<p>Amy didn’t look away, wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.</p>
<p>He was the first to break eye contact, glancing around them at the trees that surrounded either side of the road. The sun was starting to sink, though they still had a few more hours of light. He looked down at his watch, shaking his head like he was running late for something important.</p>
<p>While his back was turned she wiped away the wetness that had begun to coat her cheeks and bit her tongue. By the time Joel turned back to her, she managed to steady her breathing. Joel glanced at a road sign that was slightly lopsided.</p>
<p>Joel motioned towards the forest, “We’re cutting through.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>By the time dusk was hitting, they’d found a small campground with several cabins in varying states of disrepair. A river snaked it’s way around the grounds and Amy decided she would very much like to wash away the previous night. She pulled out the bottles of soap and shampoo that she’d taken all the way back at the motel, leaving another set out for Joel. She walked off without a word while he went searching for the best place to spend the night.</p>
<p>She stripped out of her filthy clothes and stepped into the river. It was chilly but she still felt too numb to react to it. The shampoo smelled like some kind of flower, the label was non-specific as to which one. She scrubbed until the scent of blood left her skin and hair and then scrubbed some more, leaving her skin raw and red. There was only a single set of clean clothes left from what they’d been able to find in her size on their journey. She’d wash the dirty ones in the morning, use up the rest of her soap and dry them in the sun.</p>
<p>Joel found her once she was dressed and making her way back towards the cabins. He had the shampoo and soap in his left hand but gestured to a cabin without a word. She left him to clean up, only seeing the two clickers that he’d dragged outside once she made it to the door. There was a line of blood leading from the cabin.</p>
<p>Inside the cabin wasn’t in too bad of shape, it smelled a bit but what place had they been in that didn’t have at least the smallest stench of death? Amy opened a few of the windows to air it out. There was a staircase that led to a loft that held only a bed and she set her bag on it. She wasn’t hungry, hadn’t been able to eat that morning either.</p>
<p>The place was remote enough that it was unlikely anything would find them. They wouldn’t have to take turns on watch.</p>
<p>When Joel came back, he brought rain with him. She’d seen the dark clouds through the open canopy of the forest earlier in the day but not gone so far as to process the thought of a storm.</p>
<p>“Reckon it’ll be like this all night,” Joel called from downstairs. In another moment she heard the familiar grunting and sliding sound of furniture being shoved in front of the door. When she made her way downstairs, she saw him shutting the windows she’d left open. He didn’t scold her for leaving them like that.</p>
<p>Amy sat at a small dining room table and stared at her hands. It was odd how clean they were now after so many weeks with them caked in dirt and blood.</p>
<p>Joel sighed shakily behind her as the storm picked up.</p>
<p>“There’s a leak,” he said almost to himself.</p>
<p>Amy turned, he was looking up at the ceiling. It didn’t take long for him to find a large cooking pot to catch the dripping water.</p>
<p>He looked different clean, she couldn’t figure out what exactly about it was unsettling. Maybe it just made him look less mean. He caught her staring and his mouth fell open.</p>
<p>“Are you hungry?” he asked. She shook her head. “You should still eat something.” Joel opened his bag and pulled out an unmarked can. He sighed, looking it over. “<em>Something</em> it is.”</p>
<p>The rain wasn’t letting up, Joel lit a fire and forced her to share half the can—which turned out to be peaches. Something about the sweetness made her feel a little better, maybe she just hadn’t realized how hungry she was. She stood up suddenly, stepping quickly towards the stairs and leaving Joel wide eyed at her departure. Amy was back down shortly, her bag in hand. She set it on the table in the kitchen and began to rummage through the cabinets. She pulled two mugs out and then removed the second bottle she’d taken from the bank.</p>
<p>“What is that?” Joel asked and she couldn’t tell if he was curious or annoyed.</p>
<p>“It ain’t whiskey,” she said quickly. Opening the bottle, she poured each mug to the halfway point. Joel was leaning on the wall closest to the fireplace. She made her way over to him and pressed a mug to his chest. He stared down at it briefly and then took it from her. He sniffed it, an odd look on his face when he caught the scent. “Coffee liqueur,” she said when he met her gaze again.</p>
<p>Joel’s eyes widened a bit and then he took the tiniest of sips, sighing slightly.</p>
<p>“Goddammit,” he breathed the word out. “I miss coffee.”</p>
<p>“The shit they had back in Atlanta?” she asked, befuddled. She’d tried it once, remembering the smell of her house every morning before outbreak and being bitterly disappointed by the taste.</p>
<p>“Hell no, real coffee. The shit they had back in Atlanta ain’t got no business calling itself coffee.”</p>
<p>“Well,” she said, taking her own cautious first sip. It certainly tasted better than what they had in Atlanta. And the alcohol part of it was nice too. “Not bad.”</p>
<p>Amy walked back over to the table and sat down with her drink. Joel joined her shortly, taking the chair beside her. He had one hand on the mug and another flat on the table, he dragged his fingers along the wood grain as they sat and sipped in silence. At some point they’d refilled their cups, the bottle now on the table to reach for at their leisure. The rain was still pounding at the windows, Joel stood up to peek out though she imagined it was far too dark to spot much of anything. He pulled the curtains closed and then eyed the couch. Joel stepped over to it and began pulling at the cushions.</p>
<p>“There we go,” he said, tossing another cushion to the floor.</p>
<p>“What are you—”</p>
<p>He reached down and pulled out a fold out bed. The springs creaked at the movement, clearly half-rusted over after all the years of disuse. Once he’d gotten it as flat as it was gonna go, he smiled up at her, clearly proud of himself. Amy shook her head, stifling a laugh.</p>
<p>“This place ain’t half bad,” he said, strolling back over with his mug in hand.</p>
<p>Amy glanced around the cabin, she couldn’t disagree. It was open enough that no one could really sneak up on you if they somehow managed to get inside. Even the loft was open to the rest of the room with just a short wall separating it from being fully visible. Worst came to worst, they could use it as a cover to shoot from with the bonus of having the high ground.</p>
<p>Not to mention the river, fresh water and a roof over their heads? They got lucky.</p>
<p>Joel grabbed the bottle and poured a bit more into his mug. He leaned back against the kitchen counter and sipped lazily, his eyes soft on her. Disarmed.</p>
<p>“I know you were just protecting me,” she said then. He looked down into his cup, swirling it gently before uncrossing his legs and looking back at her. “I get it.”</p>
<p>“I said I’d get you to Boston,” he said carefully. “I ain’t letting anyone get in the way of that.”</p>
<p>She frowned, thinking of the payment she’d promised. Wondering if that’s really the only reason he cared to keep her alive. And what he might do if they made it and all her connections were dead, or worse, unwilling to follow through for her.</p>
<p>Joel made a noise and she looked at him again, he was studying her in an odd way and she felt her cheeks warm at the intensity of his gaze. Joel set his cup down, still leaning against the counter.</p>
<p>“Come here.” A command but not in the way she was used to. Expectant but not demanding. It was...soft.</p>
<p>Amy stood slowly, making her way over to him. When she stood in front of him, he lifted a hand to her chin, pressing gently so that her eyes were on his. And then he pressed his lips to hers and her mind went blank. His other hand wrapped around her, pulling her close as he continued to kiss her. She opened her mouth for him and was met with the taste of coffee and peaches. An overall sweetness mingling them together. Amy put her palm against his chest, squeezing his taut muscles gently until he pulled away.</p>
<p>Joel pressed his forehead against hers, she could smell him. Smell the soap and the coffee and everything else. His eyes were closed but he was breathing heavily, she could feel his heart beating under her hand and she wanted to protect it.</p>
<p>“I heard you back at the motel,” he said then and her stomach sank.</p>
<p>“What?” she started to pull back but he held her tight.</p>
<p>“Spying on me,” he added.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t, I was—”</p>
<p>Joel shushed her then, bringing his lips down to kiss her jawline. “It’s okay.”</p>
<p>Then he kissed her again, sliding his tongue back into her mouth briefly before pulling back one more time. He made sure her eyes were on his, even as her cheeks bloomed deeper red. Joel stroked her cheek, the ghost of something in his eyes as they dipped low before coming back up with a question in them.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she whispered, desperate to know what he was thinking.</p>
<p>“You want this?” he asked, she could barely hear him over the sound of the rain. Could barely hear him over the feeling of being in his arms, strong and powerful and firm as they were.</p>
<p>All she could do was nod and then fall back into kissing him. His hands expertly moved to the button on her jeans, once unfastened he lifted her and peeled them off like it was nothing. Amy’s hands found the hem of his shirt and pulled it off of him, only breaking their kiss when it was absolutely necessary. Her hands immediately grasped at his chest again, running over the hair that grew there. Joel backed her towards the pulled out bed, still kissing her as he laid her down onto it. She reached for his belt, tugging and he pulled back just enough to step out of his jeans. He hovered over her then, kissing her neck and jaw gently.</p>
<p>When he pulled her up into a sitting position, she lifted her arms and he pulled her shirt over her head. Quickly covering her chest with bites and kisses. He unhooked her bra and tossed it to the side, careful to be sure it was far from the fire. When one of his hands cupped her breast she moaned, “Joel.”</p>
<p>She felt him laugh into her skin as he continued kissing downward. She reached for him, finally let herself run her fingers through his hair and doing her best to memorize the feel of it. She felt his hot breath through her underwear and looked down to get a good look at him where his face hovered over her.</p>
<p>“Tell me what you want, baby,” he whispered into her skin before taking a slow and agonizing bite of her inner thigh. Yet another Joel voice she hadn’t heard but it made her skin burn in the best way. When she didn’t answer, he crawled back up to kiss her, his hand finding work to do as it slipped beneath her underwear. “God,” he breathed out against her neck, “you’re already so wet for me, ain’t you.”</p>
<p>A callused finger massaged her clit softly at first, making small circles to gauge her reaction. When she looked at him again he was watching her, the fire reflected in his hungry eyes. She pulled his face to hers and kissed him deeply. Joel slipped a finger into her then and she moaned into his mouth. He pulled back, making her look at him.</p>
<p>“You want more?” he asked, lips parted and swollen.</p>
<p>“Y-yes,” she panted, she'd feel ashamed for how desperate she was for him if she wasn't so turned on.</p>
<p>He slipped another finger in, pumping slowly, painfully. She could tell he was stretching her in preparation for him, even through the cloth of his boxers it was easy to see how large he was. He kissed her chin and then her lips, tugged at her bottom lip with his teeth.</p>
<p>“You want me?” he said then against her mouth, sounding almost doubtful despite the things she was currently letting him do to her.</p>
<p>“Please,” was all she could manage. Joel slid his hand out from her underwear, raising himself high above her and hooking a finger under the waistband before pulling them down. She obliged by lifting her ass, making it easier for him. He smiled down at her, removing his boxers and revealing just how hard and massive he was.</p>
<p>He stroked himself a few times, getting himself slick with the wetness that still soaked his hand. When Amy attempted to raise herself onto her elbows to get a better look, he pressed her shoulders down and moved over her again. She felt him at her entrance and pulled him down to kiss her. She never wanted to stop.</p>
<p>He pressed himself harder against her, not quite letting himself slip inside. Teasing.</p>
<p>Amy wrapped her legs around him then and pulled him closer, as if on command he plunged into her. She gasped, her nails digging into his back. Joel didn't move as she adjusted to his girth. It hurt but not enough to stop. She hadn’t even realized she’d shut her eyes again until she felt him brush a stray hair from her face.</p>
<p>“Look at me,” he said then, gazing down at her with a look similar to the one she’d seen him wear in the motel bathroom. Amy reached up with one hand to touch his face and in response he started pumping into her, softly at first and then harder. Almost to the point where she thought she couldn’t take it anymore. The sounds she was making were ones she’d never made before, the rain making it not matter how loud she was. Joel seemed to take it as encouragement, he reached a hand between them and began rubbing at her clit again, picking up pace with the speed of his thrusts. “You gonna come for me, baby?”</p>
<p>She couldn’t speak, could barely breathe as he continued fucking her. She was almost at her peak when he suddenly slowed down, she turned to look at him again. He was still watching her, some kind of hazy something or other in his eyes. She kissed him again and he sped up, working her like he’d been doing it all his life.</p>
<p>When she came, it felt like dying. Like he’d pulled her soul from her body but then he started thrusting harder again and he shoved it all back down. He started losing his rhythm after a few more minutes, making those noises she had heard back in the motel. His eyes were closed now and she watched him, touched him, squeezed the muscles in his arms until he finally came, pulling out and spilling himself on her thigh.</p>
<p>He sat back, his head facing the ceiling, panting as they both caught their breath. He reached down then, found his boxers and cleaned her off with them. Her skin still felt like fire.</p>
<p>He rolled over her and lay at her side, still breathing heavy. The hand closest to her gripped her nearest thigh and squeezed. Sleep came before either could say another word.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The song, if you're curious, is Guitar Man by Bread.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>August 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>Tommy and Maria had weaseled her into coming over for dinner at their place. Joel would be there and so would the kid. According the Tommy “it was time” and they’d avoided killing each other so far so an evening with the others shouldn’t be such a problem. If killing each other was what Amy was worried about she’d be less wary about the idea. Still, small dinner parties at their house used to happen a lot more before Joel had showed up in Jackson and she had to admit she missed the company. And the food.</p>
<p>Patrol with Joel hadn’t seen any more incidents or mentions of memories she’d rather forget and he had stayed behind in the stables to finish putting the horses away, sending her on her way when they finally made it back to Jackson.</p>
<p>She’d had today off and was grateful for that fact, it gave her time to prepare mentally not just for interacting with Joel but interacting with him in front of Tommy and Maria. The last time they’d been in a room with other people had been the first night and she had gotten more than tired of the jokes people made about her hitting him. This would be good, she could show proper proof that she didn’t hold any negative feelings towards Joel and then she could go home and avoid thinking about him again.</p>
<p>She’d had an idea for a gift after Tommy had invited her to the dinner, something nice to give Joel that would further cement the fact that she had no intention of lashing out again. She was pretty sure he’d like it. Then hopefully everyone would get off her case and let things go back to normal.</p>
<p>Amy tucked the gift under her arm and left home, making her way over the Maria and Tommy’s place as the sun was setting.</p>
<p>Joel was the one to open the door, he swung it open with a smile like he knew it would be her. She supposed he did. “Howdy,” he said with humor in his voice.</p>
<p>“Howdy,” she answered back somewhat mockingly, stepping inside when he moved out of the way.</p>
<p>“Dinner’s almost ready.” Joel shut the door, watching her take in the room. When her gaze finally fell back onto him, he stepped forward. “Can I get you a drink?”</p>
<p>“I’m good,” she said out of habit. He snickered and walked toward the small cabinet in the hall that housed Tommy and Maria’s supply of booze. Joel poured two glasses and held the second one out for her. She sighed, taking it. “Where’s uh,” she paused, forgetting the kid’s name.</p>
<p>“Ellie decided she’d rather stay home, just the four of us tonight.”</p>
<p>Amy took a sip, gulping it down and hoping tonight wouldn't get too awkward. “Anything to do with not wanting to be around me?”</p>
<p>“Well, she has used a few choice words to describe you since we got here…”</p>
<p>“Great,” she said into her cup.</p>
<p>“Ah, you’re here,” Tommy said, coming out of the kitchen with a stack of plates.</p>
<p>“Let me help,” Amy offered, putting space between her and Joel.</p>
<p>“Looks like your hands are full,” Tommy said, noticing both her drink and the gift she now had in her other hand. Tommy moved to the table and began to set it and Amy turned to Joel.</p>
<p>“Uh, here,” she said, handing him the poorly wrapped package. She’d used an old torn shirt as wrapping, making a small pouch and tying it off with a ribbon.</p>
<p>Joel took it and frowned. “This ain’t a bomb, right?”</p>
<p>“It’s a peace offering,” she mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed.</p>
<p>“You got me a gift?” he asked with a smirk and a tilt of his head. Tommy took notice and smiled.</p>
<p>“It’s just something I had around the house already, figured you’d appreciate it.”</p>
<p>“Well, open it,” Tommy encouraged and now she was honestly thinking the gift had been a real stupid idea. Amy looked down to her shoes.</p>
<p>“Well, I’ll be damned,” Joel said, pulling out the bag of coffee beans.</p>
<p>“It’s fresh, uh, not the shit you get from the quarantine zones,” she added, hating herself. When she looked back up Joel’s face was indiscernible.</p>
<p>“How?” he asked, his voice a little too quiet.</p>
<p>“We got these traders that come around,” Tommy answered for her. Joel looked to his brother. “Shoulda mentioned that before, they got a route takes them through Mexico. There’s a settlement there that grows coffee beans. They were actually here when you and Ellie showed back up.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she added. “I just remembered you talked about missing it and I still had some from the last time they came through.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.”</p>
<p>“It’s really not a big deal,” she said, finishing off her drink so her cheeks had a better reason to be so red. The earnestness with which Joel was staring at her was too much. Like he was seeing through her and she couldn't let that happen. Not after all this time. Amy set the glass down and started helping Tommy with the table despite his attempts to shoo her away.</p>
<p>They were halfway into dinner and Amy was more than halfway done with her second drink when the topic of discussion turned to her and Joel.</p>
<p>“How was patrol the other day?” Maria asked. She was sat beside Joel with Amy and Tommy across from them. Joel took the initiative to answer even though Maria had directed the question at her.</p>
<p>“It was good, decided to check out a few houses along the way, got ourselves a good number of infected,” he said, taking a moment to drink some of his whiskey. “Felt like the old days.”</p>
<p>“Speaking of,” Tommy began, turning to look at Amy beside him. “Never really got either of you to explain how you two met?”</p>
<p>Amy looked across the table and over to Joel who was watching her carefully, a small smile playing at the edges of his lips.</p>
<p>“Um,” she started, not wanting to say too much. “I hired him to get me out of Atlanta. Trip ended up taking a bit longer than originally anticipated.”</p>
<p>“We were only supposed to go to Nashville,” Joel supplied, drumming his fingers on the table. “Got there and the QZ had fallen, had to head to Boston instead.”</p>
<p>“Oof, that is a helluva long time to spend with my brother,” Tommy said, he was far enough into his cups to be especially jovial. “Suppose the punch makes a bit more sense now.”</p>
<p>“Tommy,” Joel chided, kicking him under the table.</p>
<p>“What?” Tommy exclaimed, “Can’t say there weren’t a few times I’d thought about hitting you back in the day. Amy’s lucky she made it to Boston alive.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s true,” she said, laughing a little.</p>
<p>“You certainly did have a habit of getting yourself hurt,” Joel said, grinning over to her. “Sometimes I wondered if you were doing it on purpose, to get me to let you rest.”</p>
<p>“If I recall correctly, all the long breaks were your idea.”</p>
<p>“Before or after you got stabbed?”</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said, pushing herself up from the table. “I’m getting another drink.”</p>
<p>“I’ll come with,” Joel said, standing. “You guys need a refill?”</p>
<p>Amy rushed to the hall while Joel collected Tommy and Maria’s glasses. She was pouring more whiskey into hers, filling it just a tad higher than before. She felt Joel behind her and the closeness made her hands shake. She took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Joel asked, he was too close.</p>
<p>She set the bottle down and turned, leaning against the table and bringing the cup to her lips. She nodded to him but otherwise didn’t respond.</p>
<p>“Then scooch,” he said, nudging her out of the way with his hip. The casualness with which he touched her never failed to make her head spin. Joel filled the three cups and handed one to her to bring back to the table.</p>
<p>She decided she liked him like this, with his family and in a safe space with fresh food and flowing alcohol. Amy wondered if this was the Joel that existed before the outbreak. Even out on patrol he was different than before. He caught her staring. “What?”</p>
<p>“You look nice,” she half-whispered.</p>
<p>He looked down over himself and then back to her, a brow raised. He was in a shirt, just a regular old flannel but the green color suited him. It brought out the color of his eyes. And he was clean and warm and…happy? Was that literally all it was? Just seeing him happy? Somehow all the weight he used to carry seemed to have vanished.</p>
<p>“Come on,” he said then, pulling her back to the present. He led the way back to the table and they didn’t speak again for the rest of the meal, the conversation shifting to another topic that thankfully did not revolve around her time traveling with Joel.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>It was getting late and they had migrated into the living room, Maria and Amy were chatting on the sofa while Tommy showed Joel his record collection in the corner. Amy kept stealing glances of Joel, so far he hadn’t seemed to notice but after a particularly long look Maria nudged her gently on the knee.</p>
<p>“You feeling alright?” she asked, an odd expression on her face.</p>
<p>“It’s just weird,” Amy said, turning back to Maria and finishing off the last of her drink. She’d lost count of just how many glasses she’d emptied at that point. “Never thought I’d see him again. Kinda hoped it, actually.”</p>
<p>“Tommy’s told me the stories of the old days,” Maria said solemnly. “I can imagine how he must have been when you knew him before.”</p>
<p>Amy didn’t know much about Tommy’s past before Jackson, other than the tales of his Firefly days he’d never actually spoken of Joel. Not with her. If he had, she might have put things together before Joel had ever shown up to Jackson. And the things she knew of him before she found him was even less. So many months together, relying on each other to survive and she still felt like she barely knew who he was. What he’d done to make it to Atlanta in the first place. And, scarier to think about, what he’d done that made Tommy leave him behind.</p>
<p>“He’s different here,” Amy added. “It’s nice. Still weird but…I’m glad he seems to have found some peace.”</p>
<p>Maria smiled kindly at her and looked over to the two men, they were laughing at something and the sight of them both made Amy’s heart swell. She couldn't imagine what it would feel like if somehow her own brother showed back up again. How surreal that would be.</p>
<p>“Well,” she said then, standing up from the sofa. “It’s getting late, think I’m gonna head home.”</p>
<p>She’d said it loud enough for the men to hear and Joel turned around, finally looking at her for the first time since dinner.</p>
<p>“I’ll walk ya,” he offered.</p>
<p>“That’s okay,” she said quickly, not needing the headache or feeling particularly comfortable with him knowing where she lived. Joel walked over to her where she now stood near the front door.</p>
<p>“Walk me home then? Had enough to drink I’m worried I might get lost,” he put on his jacket and got the door for her, leaving no room to argue. She wouldn’t want to fight him too much in front of the others so she sighed and stepped outside.</p>
<p>They got into step with each other, him matching her pace easily. Joel had one hand in his pocket, the other gripped on to the bag of coffee beans. Amy had her arms wrapped around herself. The night was chilly enough that she regretted not grabbing her coat when she’d left home.</p>
<p>Joel noticed her shiver. “You want my jacket?” He shifted his arms, preparing to shrug out of it when she shook her head.</p>
<p>“I'm fine, really.”</p>
<p>Joel sighed a bit but didn't push further.</p>
<p>“That was fun,” he said at length, his voice uncertain.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said back, they were close to his house at last.</p>
<p>She stepped onto the porch with him while he went to open the door, he turned suddenly then, seeming to consider something as he looked at her.</p>
<p>“You wanna come inside?” he asked and she held her breath. He lifted the bag of coffee beans, “I can see if I can find a way to make us a pot?”</p>
<p>“Bit late for coffee,” she said, a soft rejection.</p>
<p>Joel squinted strangely at her. “Tommy gave me a bottle of wine as a housewarming present, how about a glass of that? I ain’t had a chance to try it yet, feels a bit sad having it alone.”</p>
<p>She bit the inside of her cheek before sighing and stepping closer. He opened the door and let her inside. It was more curiosity than actually needing more alcohol. She wanted to see how Joel Miller lived when he didn’t fear for his life for every second of the day.</p>
<p>He draped his coat on a rack that stood near the door and smiled gently at her, moving through an archway to the left into what seemed to be his dining room. He had a small drink cart in the corner with jars and bottles and empty glasses set out on top of it. He pulled a wine bottle down from a shelf above and uncorked it, filling two glasses.</p>
<p>“I fully expect to be severely hungover tomorrow morning,” he said to fill the silence. This was clearly awkward for both of them.</p>
<p>“If you aren’t, you didn’t do it right.”</p>
<p>He let out a soft laugh and she looked around the room.</p>
<p>“You want a tour?” he asked then and she took a sip of wine to buy her time to think.</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said simply.</p>
<p>He gestured at the room they were in, “This is a dining room that I have never used,” he pointed forward to the next room, “Kitchen.”</p>
<p>Amy shoved him in annoyance and decided to take the lead, leaving the dining room and walking into the living room across the hall. There was a large bookshelf along one wall and she studied a few of the books that lined it.</p>
<p>“Those all came with the house,” he provided. “Haven’t gotten the chance to really look through them.”</p>
<p>Amy nodded, still glancing at spines.</p>
<p>Joel squeezed her arm, “Come on.”</p>
<p>He made his way to the stairs and she stood frozen for just a moment, trying to will herself to just leave. Curiosity won out however and she followed after him.</p>
<p>He was waiting for her at the top of the stairs, leaned against a shut door.</p>
<p>“That Ellie’s room?” she asked. Joel shook his head, opening the door and stepping in.</p>
<p>“Would’ve been but she wanted her own space,” he said from inside. “She made me fix up the garage out back for her, she’s got a nice little set up.”</p>
<p>This room seemed to be a workshop, there were tools and pieces of wood on the tables that were lining the farther walls. Amy stepped over to one of the tables and picked up a half carved turtle. She held it up and looked at Joel. “Cute.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said, laughing again. “Been trying to get back into woodworking. Think I might try to build a guitar when I’ve gotten a bit more practice. Figured there might be people in town who’d like to have one.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure you’re right.”</p>
<p>Joel was leaned against the wall, just watching her explore. It made her uneasy so she finished off her wine and set the glass down.</p>
<p>“That it?” she asked despite herself.</p>
<p>Joel bit his lip like he was considering something and then he stood up straighter, nodding towards the door and leading the way further down the hall. There were a few paintings on the walls, a lot of them with horses. She chuckled to herself as she looked them over.</p>
<p>“What’s so funny?” he asked then, lightness in his voice.</p>
<p>“You really are a cowboy at heart,” she said, smiling softly. His eyes were so damn warm and bright, a gentleness to them that made her forget more than she should have.</p>
<p>“Those were here when I moved in,” he said, mocking being offended.</p>
<p>“Sure,” she said, drawn out and doubtful.</p>
<p>He shoved her gently towards another door and she opened it up without considering any other alternative. The door opened up into a sort of secondary hallway, she saw a closet to her right and a table near the window. There was a framed picture set atop it and she moved for it without meaning to, the light coming in from the window was just enough to make it out. She picked it up and her heart sank when she saw a much younger Joel standing happily beside a little girl. She’d known for years that Tommy had had a niece who’d died at the very beginning of the outbreak, but she hadn’t allowed herself to put the puzzle pieces together until that moment.</p>
<p>Joel walked over to stand beside her, she suddenly felt like she was intruding. Like she shouldn’t have seen this side of him, he’d kept it from her for a reason.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she said, setting it down.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Joel said, some of the lightness had faded. “That’s Sarah,” he added.</p>
<p>Amy turned to look at him, he was frowning but it wasn’t the hard frown she’d known ten years before. It was almost wistful rather than angry or annoyed. He really had changed.</p>
<p>Joel sat his still full wine glass down on the table then faced her with a shy smile. He reached for her hand, pulling her into deeper parts of the room. She saw his guitar where it leaned against the far wall. She also saw his bed, unmade on one side. Joel let her hand go and moved towards the end table, switching on a small lamp. Amy stood in place, too nervous to move on her own.</p>
<p>She shouldn’t be here.</p>
<p>On the far wall was a record player set on boxes, though she only saw two records. He picked one up and flipped it open.</p>
<p>“You know there’s a music store not too far off from the patrol route we took the other day,” she said, to keep her mind off of the fact that she was in his bedroom. “You could probably find a few more records to add to your collection.”</p>
<p>“Tommy told me,” he said, pulling a record from its sleeve. She still hadn’t moved, unsure of what exactly was happening. “We’re supposed to go someday soon. He let me borrow a few of his in the meantime.”</p>
<p>“Anything good?” she asked and he turned, a mischievous look in his eyes as he moved the needle over the vinyl. When it found the grooves the room filled with the sound of drums and not long after a man’s voice began singing.</p>
<p>“The hell is this?” she asked, laughing a bit. The sounds coming out of the speakers were strange, loud and off-putting. Any fear that he might be trying to seduce her faded away, he truly was excellent at killing the mood. She almost felt bad for him.</p>
<p>“Bread,” he said, laughing as well. “Figured I’d try it out.”</p>
<p>“I have literally never heard of them.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said, sighing and turning the music down so that it was just a low murmur. “They’re before my time too.”</p>
<p>“I wasn't aware there was anything older than you,” she said with a wry smile. Joel nodded his head, allowing the jab. The look on his face so different than anything she'd ever seen on him before. It was too much.</p>
<p>Amy walked over to the window and looked outside while Joel stayed close to the music. When the song mercifully ended, a new one started up and it was much nicer to listen to. He raised the volume again. She turned to him and he gave her satisfied smile. “Not bad, right?”</p>
<p>And then he stepped over to her and held out a hand, she laughed nervously but didn’t move.</p>
<p>“Come on,” he said, reaching down to put her hand in his and circling his other arm around her waist.</p>
<p>Amy tentatively set her hand on Joel’s shoulder. They swayed gently along to the music and something like relief filled her chest then, having him holding her after so long. She rested her head against him then and held on tight. Something deep in her chest solidifying the fact that he was truly here and not just a ghost. Not just the voice that had been in her head all those years before Jackson.</p>
<p>Joel’s grip on her tightened as well and now they were really just hugging and not dancing at all. He set his head against the top of hers and whispered, “I missed you.”</p>
<p>She buried her head deeper into him, not saying anything. Just inhaling his scent and not wanting to let him go. Not again.</p>
<p>“For weeks,” he began again, quieter than before. “I kept hoping you’d come back. Asking around to see if you had.” Amy shut her eyes to stop the stinging. “I would’ve gone after you if I’d known where to look, dragged your ass back to Boston.”</p>
<p>“We’d probably both be dead if you had,” she said finally, taking a deep breath in.</p>
<p>“You’re probably right,” he said, and she felt his laugh more than heard it. Amy pulled back, not letting him go yet but wanting to look at him.</p>
<p>It was a mistake, his eyes were sorrowful and when they dipped to her lips there wasn’t a force in the world that could have stopped her from kissing him. His grip on her loosened momentarily, but then his left hand found its way under her shirt, pressing her into him with cold fingers on her bare back. His other hand found her jaw and she didn’t make any attempts to stop herself from starting to undo the buttons of the stupid sexy flannel he was wearing.</p>
<p>Her shirt came next and the way they moved so easily together made it seem impossible that it’d been a decade since they’d done this. When nothing was left between them, Joel hooked her legs around his waist and carried her over to the bed, setting her down gently.</p>
<p>“There’s something I never got the chance to do,” he said then, his voice husky. He knelt on the ground, kissing her thighs until he found the warmth between them. Amy shut her eyes, cursing quietly when his tongue lapped along her, savoring the taste of her with his own grunts of pleasure. He found her clit after a while and sucked softly, bringing his hand up to squeeze her breasts in turn. The sounds he was making made it sound like he was enjoying a feast after weeks of starvation. It was making her even wetter than she already was, hearing him enjoying himself.</p>
<p>Fuck, she was going to hate herself in the morning.</p>
<p>He was relentless, his tongue darted into her periodically, fucking her shallowly before he returned to the more sensitive bud. That was when he brought his fingers into the act, inserting two into her warmth as he continued to lick and suck. He twisted and curled his fingers and brought her over the edge in shaking moans of rapture. Joel kissed gently at the skin of her inner thighs as she came back down, still thrusting his thick, callused fingers into her as he did.</p>
<p>When Amy finally managed the energy to lift her head, she saw him staring up at her, an old but familiar hunger in the way he was watching her. Amy sat up then, crawling down to where he still knelt on the floor. She took his face in her hands and studied his features, studied the way most of his darkness seemed to be gone now. She kissed him then, savoring the taste of herself on his tongue and groaning into his mouth.</p>
<p>Joel climbed into the bed with her, attempting to get on top. She had other things in mind and shoved him, a little roughly, down onto the mattress before straddling him. Joel gripped her thighs, then sat up to meet her, kissing her roughly before moving down to kiss her neck. She maneuvered him, lifting herself onto his cock carefully. He pulled back, gazing into her eyes for some kind of reassurance. When she pushed herself fully down onto him, Joel groaned into her shoulder.</p>
<p>His hands continued exploring her body, her face, her breasts and she rode him until her legs were shaking. She slowed and he kissed her deeply, shifting his hips from beneath her.</p>
<p>“You want me to take over?” he asked softly.</p>
<p>She wanted to say no, didn’t want to be under his power but at this point, her stubbornness was only going to make her overly sore tomorrow. She kissed him in acceptance and Joel rolled her onto her back, thrusting deeper into her once he had her pinned. He moved slow, seemingly savoring the way she whimpered and moaned.</p>
<p>Joel grabbed both of her wrists in one of his hands, using the other arm to prop himself up against the headboard. He caged her hands above her head and she almost wanted to hit him for how he was watching her writhe and moan under him, she could feel the desperation in her movements and knew he could see it too. The smile he wore was enough to get her to speak.</p>
<p>“Stop it,” she breathed out, biting her lip to stifle yet another moan when he drove himself home a little too hard.</p>
<p>“Stop what?” he asked, amusement in his voice.</p>
<p>“You’re enjoying this too much,” she answered back between gasping breaths.</p>
<p>“Ain’t I supposed to?” he said with a comical lilt to his tone.</p>
<p>Despite the comment he obeyed, releasing her wrists and giving her the space to pull his face down to hers. He moved backwards, pulling her up with a firm grip and setting her back down onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and for a moment they just kissed each other. Letting the years melt away and returning them to that old familiar hunger they kept feeding all the way to Boston.</p>
<p>And then Joel began thrusting up into her, moving her body in a way he liked. She liked it too.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she gasped out when she was close, “Don’t—”</p>
<p>“I ain’t stopping,” he said, breathing heavy.</p>
<p>After all the years and bullshit she’d gone through, he still knew just how to work her body, how to have her seeing stars. She came hard, gripping onto him like she might fall over if she didn’t. He kept moving as her walls spasmed around him, and then he laid her back down and fucked her like he used to, hard and rough and if she said she didn’t love it she’d be lying. He came after a while and he didn’t bother pulling out, preferring it seemed to fill her up and keep her close.</p>
<p>He was still above her, his arms wrapped around her in a way that, despite everything, still made her feel so goddamned safe. She looked at him, noticing at last just how sweaty they both were. Amy stroked his cheek and he kissed her, gently this time.</p>
<p>They fell asleep with him still holding her. She should have left as soon as they were done but she told herself she could hate herself in the morning. Deal with whatever consequences she might face when the sun was around to judge her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>September 2023, Maryland</p>
<p>The morning after, she’d woken up alone with the blanket from the bed upstairs draped over her naked body. She was sore, both from Joel and from the shitty bed they’d chosen to fall on. She found Joel by the river, washing their old soiled clothes and beating them against a rock. Amy didn’t say anything but he noticed her anyway.</p>
<p>“Looks like it’ll rain again,” he said, barely acknowledging her presence. “Might as well stay another night until we ride this thing out.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said, careful. When several minutes passed of more silence she finally worked up the courage to ask what she had woken up wanting to know. “Are we gonna talk about last night.”</p>
<p>“We are not,” he said, keeping his head down and his hands busy.</p>
<p>Amy walked back to the cabin and lit a fire.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>In total, they stayed at the cabin for three nights waiting for the rains to stop. Joel didn’t touch her again, didn’t mention the sex in any way, just like he said he wouldn’t. Amy didn’t know if she was grateful for it or offended. Truthfully, she didn’t know what she thought about the entire situation at all. She had wanted it, he had made sure, and despite some discomfort during and after, she had enjoyed it. Maybe it was a blessing that they didn’t talk about it, if they did she might admit that it had been her first time.</p>
<p>Amy didn’t think he would take that news lightly, though she didn’t know exactly what his reaction would be. Anger? More annoyance? Would he yell?</p>
<p>It wasn’t like she was a kid or that she was entirely inexperienced, she’d just never gone that far with anyone before. Too terrified of getting too attached and then losing another loved one. That didn’t seem like it would be a problem with Joel. They both knew their time together was limited, knew how it would end if they managed to make it all the way to Boston.</p>
<p>The people back in Atlanta who she had kissed and fooled around with had been closer to her age but not worth the hassle. And most of them had been idiots, maybe that’s what Joel thought she was. Maybe he’d just been horny and she’d pushed enough buttons for him to give in and give her what he knew she wanted. It still mortified her when she remembered him telling her he had noticed her watching him back at the motel. But then everything else had happened and well, there wasn’t much sense in being embarrassed now.</p>
<p>When her period had come next, she was grateful for the birth control the military had forced all of their female soldiers to take. A small implant in her arm that ought to be good for years. Maybe that was why he’d stayed a good ten feet away from her since that night, worried about accidentally getting her pregnant. She’d considered mentioning it to bring back the slightly softer side of him but decided against it. Talking about the subject was the new addition to Joel’s ever-changing list of rules. Like hell she’d be the one to break it first.</p>
<p>Today he was exceptionally grumpy, she was staying quiet to keep as much peace as possible. Just following orders as they made their way through yet another abandoned town. At that particular moment he was staring up at a giant hole in the side of a building, probably wondering if it was worth it to find a way inside to search for supplies. He shook his head and then gestured for her to follow after him as they continued moving along the street. There were plenty of cars scattered along the road but Joel didn’t seem the least bit interested in checking to see if any of them still had some life left in their rusted frames.</p>
<p>“What’s your plan for hunting down that utopia of yours?” Joel asked suddenly, stopping to pick something up from out of an old telephone booth.</p>
<p>“Gather what information I can on all the rumors we’ve heard, head in the general direction of the more promising ones,” she said, not really in the mood for him to make fun of her plans again. Still, at least he was talking, showing some interest in her future.</p>
<p>“And what if they’re worse than you want? What if they don’t want anyone new?”</p>
<p>“Then I keep searching.”</p>
<p>Joel stood straight, hands on his hips. “Forever?”</p>
<p>“If I have to,” she said simply.</p>
<p>“Do you hear yourself? I mean, really,” he said, running a hand over his beard.</p>
<p>“Fine, maybe I make my own place. Welcome in people who think like me, grow crops. The works.”</p>
<p>“What’s to stop the people you let in from killing you and taking over?”</p>
<p>“Look,” she said, wiping sweat from her brow. “I know you think everyone in the world is exactly like you but I know that isn’t true. Not everyone is so <em>shoot first, ask questions later</em> about other people. I think it's worth it to fucking try at least.”</p>
<p>“God, you sound like my brother. Believing there’s a way to bring back a better world,” he turned his back to her but didn’t continue walking. “Like any of us even deserve one.”</p>
<p>“That brother of yours at least did one smart thing,” she said then, deciding she wouldn’t let him make her feel stupid. She didn’t care what he thought about her or anything else.</p>
<p>“And what’s that?” he asked, turning back around.</p>
<p>“He left you behind,” she said, a bit of heat in her tone that she hadn’t planned for.</p>
<p>His expression then was a new one, she’d touched a nerve. His brows pulled together tight and for a moment she thought he might yell.</p>
<p>Instead, he set his jaw and said, a little too quietly, “Let’s get moving.”</p>
<p>“After you.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>They were picking through an old storage unit, one of the few that weren’t locked up. Joel hadn’t said much else since their little spat. Fuck him. She wasn’t about to feel sorry for hurting his feelings when he treated her like she was just some dumb kid. Finding a good place to settle down was going to be hard, she knew it. Had put it off for years because of that fact. But she knew how to survive, she might have fucked up a few times when she and Joel had first left Atlanta but it’d been weeks since their last incident. Not like he’d acknowledge it.</p>
<p>No, he’d probably take all the credit for himself. Say they were doing well because she was actually listening to him without being stubborn about it.</p>
<p>Amy found a large, lidded bin and opened it. Someone had stored a bunch of winter clothes there at some point, she looked over to Joel with an idea.</p>
<p>“Hey,” she said, getting his attention. He was moving a cardboard box off of another that he had yet to go through. He looked up at her, annoyed. “Looks like a bunch of warm clothes, we should take some, right? I mean, it’s just gonna keep getting colder the further we go.”</p>
<p>Joel blinked at her. She sighed and lifted out a brown, canvas coat and threw it at him. He caught it and held it up to the light from his flashlight. “Thanks.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” she said with a huff, continuing to dig. She pulled out a black leather jacket and smiled. “Oh, fuck yeah.” She tried it on, ignoring the small chuckle that came from the other side of the room. It was a little big on her but she found a sweater in the bin and figured wearing it underneath would fill it out some more. She bent down to tuck them both into her bag, shoving them down to the bottom as well as she could.</p>
<p>“There ain’t much else here,” Joel said then and she turned to look at him over her shoulder. He was facing her and if she wasn’t crazy it seemed like he might have been staring at her ass. He cleared his throat. “You ready?”</p>
<p>“Yup,” she said, putting her bag back on.</p>
<p>They had to climb out of the building through a fire escape, Joel leading the way like always. Instead of going back down to the street, he went up towards the roof. He had to climb raw brick near the top where a ladder had broken a few feet from the ledge. He crawled over and reached down to her, pulling her up enough so that she could get a good grip. When she finally made it back on her feet, Joel was skirting around a large section of the roof that was slightly concave. Water pooled at its middle.</p>
<p>“Watch your step up here,” he said, stating the very obvious.</p>
<p>Amy followed close behind him, matching his steps to be sure he had nothing to complain about. They made it safely to the other side of the roof and Joel looked out, scanning the horizon. She watched him, not really giving a damn about the view.</p>
<p>It was getting close to midday, a few clouds blocked out most of the heat of the sun. Now Joel seemed to be looking to the adjacent buildings, maybe weighing whether or not it was worth it to check them out or if they should just keep heading north. Not like he often included her in the decision making. Trying to imagine what that man was thinking at any given time had become a habit for her at this point. It was possible he didn’t have any coherent thoughts in his head at all, just more grunts and gut feelings. From the amount he typically said out loud, that seemed believable.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he grabbed her, shoving her backward with a half silent curse. When a shot rang out just a second later, she understood why.</p>
<p>Joel was still gripping her arm, eyes darting over her to be sure the bullet had missed. And then another shock when his eyes widened and the ground beneath him collapsed, his grip loosened purposely and before she could react, Joel was falling. Amy was barely at the edge of the hole and looked down in the darkness.</p>
<p>“Joel?” she called down quietly, careful to not draw further attention to her position.</p>
<p>“I’m alright,” he yelled up. “Don’t move.”</p>
<p>Another shot rang out from one of the other buildings and then Amy heard the skin crawling shriek of infected down in the dark with Joel.</p>
<p>Joel’s flashlight clicked on, bringing enough light for her to see him get tackled by a stalker. Amy jumped down without thinking, scurrying to her feet in time to see Joel flat on his back, arms struggling to keep the monster out of biting distance. Amy pulled her gun from its holster and shot twice, the stalker’s head exploded and Joel shoved what was left of it off of him. She rushed to his side, helping him to his feet.</p>
<p>“I’m clean,” he said without her having to ask.</p>
<p>Above them, back on the roof, they could hear the sounds of feet stomping along the fire escape. Deeper into the dark spaces of the building, the sounds of more shrieking.</p>
<p>“Shit,” she breathed out, still trying to adjust to the situation. Joel grabbed her hand and pulled her deeper into the blackness, his free hand reaching for his gun.</p>
<p>Amy clicked her flashlight on and it barely registered that they were in a separate level of the storage building. They ran down the long hall, several units had infected banging at the doors as they passed them. The clang of the metal against flesh deafening her. One of the units was open just enough for one of the infected to begin crawling out from under it, it reached for her leg as they passed and Joel fired off a round before it could properly take hold.</p>
<p>They hit a wall at the end of the hallway, Joel turned then, releasing her arm. More infected were crawling out from hidden spaces, at least one clicker was screeching at them from the deeper darkness. It had to have been less than a minute since they were on the roof and now they were fucking stuck.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she gasped out. This was fucking it.</p>
<p>“I’m thinking,” he grunted out. The light from their flashlights was just enough to see two clickers getting close. Joel fired off a few more bullets, knocking them both to the ground though from the sounds they were still making, that wouldn’t hold them off for long. Amy scanned their surroundings and saw a brick, she picked it up.</p>
<p>The wall they were backed up against had one window, just a little too high for her to reach. She threw the brick at it then, showering them in broken glass. Joel looked at her, too terrified to be annoyed and then it clicked.</p>
<p>“Here,” he said, kneeling in front of it to give her a boost. Amy climbed up and over, leaning down to give him a hand.</p>
<p>“Come on,” she shouted down at him and for a second he hesitated.</p>
<p>Then, just as quick, he shook it off and leapt up, she pulled with all her strength, feeling her muscles struggling. But she got him high enough to scale the wall the rest of the way without her help. The infected were on them then, grappling at Joel’s boots as he pulled himself through. Amy jumped down first, the fall dazing her momentarily and knocking all of the air out of her lungs. The telltale rattle of her gun sliding away from her on the pavement filled her ears. Joel hit the ground next, rolling slightly to reduce the impact.</p>
<p>Yet another shot rang out, hitting the grass only a few feet away from her. Joel got his bearings, pointed his gun up at their attackers and nailed one right in the throat. Amy rolled over to find where her gun had slid but Joel pulled her behind a car before she could find it. More shots ricocheted against the metal exterior and Joel began to reload his gun, cursing again.</p>
<p>“Are they soldiers?” Amy asked then, wondering if they were close to some kind of zone.</p>
<p>Joel ignored her, choosing to use his time in a much wiser fashion. Another assailant fell from the roof, his leg blown clean out from under him. His body hit the ground several feet ahead of them with a grotesque thud.</p>
<p>“You’re gonna pay for that, asshole,” one of the men shouted down at them.</p>
<p>Joel finally noticed her then, his eyes dark. “Get your goddamn gun out.”</p>
<p>“I lost it,” she hissed. Joel’s expression shifted then and he pulled his rifle from his bag, handing her his pistol. He took out another man while Amy gripped the already skin-warmed metal of Joel's gun and pointed it up to the roof, taking a steadying breath before pulling the trigger at one of the men as his head popped up from behind cover. A pained shout and then silence when Joel finished him off.</p>
<p>They sat silent for a few moments, waiting for more gunshots.</p>
<p>Joel breathed out shakily and wiped at his brow. “I think that’s it.”</p>
<p>He got to his feet, still alert and pointing his rifle. Amy’s heart was still thundering in her chest when she finally stood up. Assured that they were all dead, Joel strapped his rifle back to his bag and kicked the man who had fallen from the roof, rolling him over and taking his supplies.</p>
<p>Amy couldn’t look at him and chose instead to search for her gun. It’d landed in some of the overgrowth when she had jumped from the window. She re-holstered it and made sure it was firmly secured this time. Joel stomped over to her then and took his own gun back without a word.</p>
<p>“Can we get out of here,” Amy said after she had fully caught her breath. Now that the shots had died out, the sounds of the infected could be clearly heard from where they were on the street. She was worried it might bring more men.</p>
<p>“I like that plan,” he grumbled, stepping away from her and heading for an overgrown park that cut through the town. The gate was bent enough for them to squeeze through. It looked like someone had rammed it with a tank but the chains that locked it still held as they ducked under them. Joel picked up the pace once they were somewhat safe behind the cover of trees.</p>
<p>The park wasn’t large but the plants had fully taken it over, with roots and fallen branches making the way trickier than it should have been. By the time they made it to the other side, the sun was beginning to sink low in the sky. Joel used a shiv on the door to an old fire station and they moved through it quietly, guns at the ready, until they were certain the place was empty.</p>
<p>They settled into the kitchen, digging around and finding a few cans of beans. Joel was mostly quiet again and Amy took a moment to look him over. The flurry of the day and her desire to be anywhere but near the scene of the gunfight had kept her focus off of him. Now that she watched him, she saw the bruising on his left temple. He must have hit it when the roof collapsed. Amy walked over to him where he sat on a metal chair. He was sorting through his bag, making room or taking stock, she couldn’t tell.</p>
<p>When she was in front of him, he met her gaze.</p>
<p>“What?” he asked, exasperated.</p>
<p>“Your head,” she said, kneeling down slightly to get a better look. She touched the skin above his left eye gently and he pulled away.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” he sighed, brushing her off.</p>
<p>“Don’t be a baby,” she persisted, tilting his head more towards the fading light that pooled in from a frosted window behind him. She released him momentarily to pull out a rag and her bottle of water from her bag. When she poured some of the water onto the rag Joel sighed again.</p>
<p>He let her clean the area free of dirt and if the way his body reacted to it was any indication, the water felt nice on the bruise. He leaned into her touch while she dabbed at it and shut his eyes.</p>
<p>“You hit the ground pretty hard, huh?” she asked, wanting to fill the silence and hopeful that he might humor her now that they were in for the night.</p>
<p>“That stalker got a few good hits in before you jumped down.”</p>
<p>Joel opened his eyes and turned to her, something shifted in the air between them. Her hand was still on him, her fingers feathered in his hair now. He seemed to be considering something and she looked down to his lips to see him wet them.</p>
<p>“That was pretty goddamned stupid of you,” he said, his voice was a bit huskier than normal.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?” she pulled her hand away from him but otherwise stayed close.</p>
<p>“You had no idea what was down there, could’ve been spores for all you knew. Could have gotten the both of us killed.”</p>
<p>“As opposed to the other option of staying up on the roof and getting shot while you got torn apart by infected?” Joel’s eyes darkened again, his brows pulling tightly together. Amy moved away from him, turning away and shaking her head. “Are you fucking kidding me?”</p>
<p>“I could’ve gotten out of it,” he said steadily from behind her. “Would have been easier if I didn't have to worry about you.”</p>
<p>She spun, finally fully feeling her anger and having no hesitance at the thought of letting it out. Too sick of his bullshit to care what his reaction might be.</p>
<p>“I saved your ass, Joel.”</p>
<p>“You put yourself at risk,” he said, getting up from his chair and glaring down at her. “You won’t survive a week out there once you leave Boston.”</p>
<p>“Oh, fuck you,” she shot back at him. “I don’t know what your problem is right now but we only got out of there because of me. I’m done acting like you’re the only one who’s keeping us alive. If that hurts your pride or whatever the hell it is, I really don’t give a shit, Joel.”</p>
<p>He took small steps closer to her, eyes still glued on hers. If he was trying to be threatening, it wasn’t working in the way he wanted it to. She wasn’t afraid of him.</p>
<p>When he was directly in front of her, he dipped his head low and pressed his lips to hers softly. She pushed him away out of instinct.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” she asked in a confused whisper.</p>
<p>He pressed his forehead to hers, his arm snaked its way around her waist. “You’re right.”</p>
<p>She could still feel her anger bubbling beneath the surface but it was slowly being drowned out by bewilderment. Amy wrapped her hand around his arm and shoved him away from her. “Fuck you,” she hissed. “You don’t get to do that, just to go and pretend like nothing happened tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Who said that’s what I’m doing,” he said carefully.</p>
<p>Amy laughed hollowly. “Look, I don’t know if you got brain damage from today but I’m not doing this with you right now.”</p>
<p>Joel had that same hurt look in his eyes that he had earlier in the day when she'd mentioned his brother.</p>
<p>“What do you want me to say?” he asked then and for some reason her eyes were stinging. “You want me to admit that I screwed up?”</p>
<p>Amy just stared at him, her mouth slightly agape.</p>
<p>“I did,” he continued. “Those hunters got the drop on us and I nearly died because of it.”</p>
<p>“So you take it out on me?” she threw back. The look on his face was probably the closest thing to an apology that she’d ever get out of him. “You know, maybe tomorrow we can track down a car. Get this shit show over with once and for all.”</p>
<p>He didn’t stop her when she walked off, she found the sleeping quarters and picked one of the beds to lay down on. There were about seven or so beds in the room, all partitioned off with barriers to give the firefighters some semblance of privacy she guessed. Like always, the mattress was mostly stripped bare so she pulled out her newly found sweater and used it as a pillow.</p>
<p>She had no idea what was going on in Joel’s head. After about half an hour stewing in her annoyance with the man, she began to wonder if he truly had gotten a concussion of some sort. It would certainly help to explain the encounter they’d just had. She had almost convinced herself to go and check on him when she heard him enter the room. She rolled onto her side to hide her face from him. Joel crawled into the bed behind her, wrapping his arms around her middle. She didn’t move, didn’t breathe until she felt his lips on her neck.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her skin. He squeezed tighter, like he was afraid of what would happen if he let her go. “Today was too damn close, you didn't deserve that.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” she said after a moment. “You probably have a concussion.”</p>
<p>“You wanna help keep me up then?” he asked, still kissing her neck.</p>
<p>Amy sighed and he relaxed his grip on her, allowing her to turn to face him. It was too dark in the room to make out much of his face but she found his lips all the same. He was softer than before, almost careful. He kissed her like they had all the time in the world to kill and she supposed they kind of did.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” he repeated again when he pulled back away, catching his breath. She got the impression that he wasn’t apologizing for their fight now but for the fact that the day could have ended much much worse. That it all could have ended with their bodies piled up with countless others, stripped of shoes and supplies. Who knew what might have happened if she hadn’t jumped down to help Joel. Maybe Joel figured they would’ve kept her alive, used her for other purposes and Joel would have been in no position to stop them.</p>
<p>Amy took the moment to sink her hand between them, unbuttoning Joel’s pants and reaching inside to hold him in her hand. He was growing hard already and he gasped lightly when she started working him as close as possible to the way she’d seen him doing it himself all the way back in the motel. He peppered her with words of encouragement in between each kiss.</p>
<p>“Come here,” he said after a minute or so, pulling her hand out of his pants and moving to remove her clothes. Once they were off he circled his fingers slowly around her clit, taking in the sounds of her and leaving a trail of kisses all along her neck and chest. “You’re too good for me, you know that?”</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip and he sunk a finger inside her, curving it in a way that made her back arch. He fucked her with his fingers until she was so close to coming that it almost hurt.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said then, remembering something. “You can’t get me pregnant.”</p>
<p>He slowed his hands and she tried her best to meet his gaze in the dark.</p>
<p>“I can’t, I mean. I can’t. If you were worried.”</p>
<p>He pulled away and she thought she might have killed the moment but then she saw him moving to remove his jeans entirely and she spread her legs for him. He came back down to her, pulling his shirt off and throwing it aside. She reached up to pull his face down to hers. Some of the gentleness was gone and now it was more desperate than anything. This, she decided, was her favorite version of Joel.</p>
<p>Hungry for her and just vulnerable enough that it left her chest aching. All the honeyed words seemed to come out of him in the night. It was like music, the sounds of their bodies colliding and the pleasured moans and grunts that left the two of them gasping for breath. He could be an asshole all he wanted if she ended up with this version of Joel at the end of the day.</p>
<p>Amy wrapped her legs around him, gripping him tight and meeting his own thrusts with some of her own. Her hands had a mind of their own, curling around him and tugging at his hair. Joel nipped at her neck, letting his teeth dig in just enough to hurt. She gasped and he captured her open mouth with his own. He was getting rougher in his thrusts, pounding into her over and over until she let out a whimper. He slowed, his hand tracing a line along her cheek.</p>
<p>“You want me to slow down?” he asked.</p>
<p>“No,” she breathed out, missing the pain of it already.</p>
<p>He gripped her thighs then, moving them from his hips and flipping her around on the bed. He positioned her how he wanted her, lifting her ass in the air and slipping back inside. The new angle shocked her at first, feeling the head of him hitting new places. He grabbed her arms and pulled them back behind her, fucking her hard while he held her wrists in one hand.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she moaned and he slowed again. He seemed to get a kick out of torturing her, moving his hips in a circular motion as he slowly pulled out of her.</p>
<p>“What do you want, baby?” he asked, rubbing his cock along her center.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she hissed with a shiver.</p>
<p>Joel hummed and continued running himself along her more sensitive spots. When he thrust back in without warning, she buried her face in the mattress to keep from yelping. He released her wrists then and set a new pace, reaching forward to work her clit again with his fingers. She came first, again. Ever the gentleman. And then he rolled her over onto her back, entering her quickly and fucking her even harder, she found purchase on his shoulders and claimed his lips. He was breathing heavily, gasping into her mouth with each motion of his body.</p>
<p>“You want me to fill you up?” he asked when she could tell he was getting close, his voice was hoarse and heavy.</p>
<p>Hearing him like this did things to her that she struggled to put words to. “Fuck, yes, please, Joel,” she gasped, gripping onto him with new strength.</p>
<p>“Tell me you want it?” he said, slowly losing steam and coordination. He was so damn close.</p>
<p>“I want it, fuck, I want—”</p>
<p>He thrust once more, hard, into her and she felt him shudder in her arms. He stayed there for a few moments, heart racing and trying to catch his breath. When he finally moved they had to readjust in the bed. She was surprised when he didn’t complain at her resting her head on his chest, their bodies melding together in the small space. His heart was still beating fast beneath her and for the first time in a while, she felt extraordinarily grateful for him. For that heartbeat and the feel of his arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>How we feeling? I for one am sad because I only have one chapter left to write and then it's all over :(<br/>jk, I'm gonna eventually write a part 2 because I have lost control of my mind.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>August 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>The sun wasn’t up when she opened her eyes the next morning. Joel had an arm slung over her but he wasn’t holding her tight enough that she couldn’t squirm her way out of bed without rousing him. She took a moment, just a small one, to look at him. At his bare chest and arms, still strong as ever. It was his face that struck her most, even in his sleep back in the day he’d never looked quite so peaceful. It took more willpower than she cared to admit to not brush the hair from his brow.</p>
<p>Clothes. She needed to get dressed and leave before anyone in Jackson was out and about on the streets. Amy found most of her clothes easily but her underwear seemed to have vanished sometime in the night. Fuck it. She wasn’t about to walk over to Joel’s side of the bed to hunt them down. They would just have to be a casualty of her mistake.</p>
<p>Once she was dressed, she tiptoed her way down the stairs and out the front door. A few porch lights were on in the neighboring houses and she kept her head low as she walked, stepping onto some side streets to get home quicker. Immediately upon entering her small home, she stripped her clothes back off and went into the bathroom to wash up. She didn’t want to smell like him, didn’t want the reminder of their drunken night. It was dumb, she was dumb. But maybe now that it was out of her system she could get her head back to normal. It didn’t have to mean anything more than it ever did. They were drunk and yes, part of her had missed him but she wasn’t going to let him fuck her over again. She’d nearly died trying to make it to Jackson, she had no intentions of screwing things up now.</p>
<p>There was a concoction of herbs she kept for mornings like this, ones grown in the gardens that the women of Jackson drank tea of to limit the risk of pregnancy when needed. Jackson was safe enough for children of course but that didn't mean all the women in Jackson wanted them. Her arm implant had run out of juice years ago but of course Joel had no way of knowing about that. Amy put the kettle on and brewed herself a cup, wincing at the bitter taste of it.</p>
<p>Maybe it was just to keep her hands busy and quiet her mind but she decided it was the perfect time to do laundry. Amy picked up her clothes from the night before, along with the ones in her overflowing hamper and washed them. Scrubbing hard at blood stains and mud. The sun was rising by the time she was done and she carried the wet clothes out to her and Eugene’s shared backyard, pinning them up on the line to dry.</p>
<p>She was finishing up when Eugene came out and greeted her.</p>
<p>“You had a late night,” he began, a twinkle in his eyes that was especially annoying to her today. “Or maybe I should say a very early morning.”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” she said. He must have heard her come home, she hadn’t thought to be silent. She had only wanted to wash Joel’s scent off of her skin.</p>
<p>Eugene chuckled. “I’d hazard a guess that you either killed that man or—”</p>
<p>“Eugene,” she said firmly, making eye contact. “Don’t.”</p>
<p>“Well, I’m happy for you. You’re too young to spend all your nights alone.”</p>
<p>Amy sighed heavily and continued to pin up her clothes.</p>
<p>“Does this mean you and Rosie didn’t work out,” he went on, choosing to openly annoy her.</p>
<p>“Nothing’s happened with me and Rosie,” she muttered back, feeling guilty even though she really had no reason to. They’d had one kiss and every opportunity to move forward since had been, in one way or another, disrupted by Joel’s presence. “I doubt she’s waiting around for me to get my shit together.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” was Eugene’s response to that.</p>
<p>“What?” she shot back at him.</p>
<p>“Just don’t think you’re right.” He walked off then, humming some old song she was used to hearing through the walls of the house when he was getting stoned. She rolled her eyes and finished up her work.</p>
<p>Amy didn’t have any assignments for the day and it was one of the first times in a while that she wished she did. She didn’t want to have the time to think about Rosie or Joel. Despite all of the drinks from the night before, her hangover was relatively tame. Not enough to go back to bed for a few hours, just enough to have her on edge. She stared at the walls of her small little room and decided to clean everything. She swept the floors, wiped down her small counter space in her makeshift kitchen and scrubbed out the tub. It was noon before she thought to eat something.</p>
<p>She eyed the shelves that she had lined with jars of beans and other dried foods and settled on going into town instead. She passed by the Tipsy Bison and went for the butchers, picking up just enough for the day. She didn’t have a way to keep any perishable foods without using Eugene’s kitchen and she was still annoyed at him for being nosey. And for correctly figuring out what had happened the night before. Fucker was too good at reading her, she wondered if he could tell her history with Joel all along. If he’d just needed a bit more evidence before he chose to say something.</p>
<p>“Amy, hey,” someone called out behind her as she was getting ready to head back home. She turned and saw Rosie across the street. Shit.</p>
<p>“Hey,” she called back, stepping over to meet her midway.</p>
<p>Rosie was smiling softly at her, no hint of anger at all. Maybe Eugene was right.</p>
<p>“You got a free day?” Rosie asked, shuffling her feet a bit.</p>
<p>“Yeah, been cleaning all day.” Amy tucked her hair behind her ear awkwardly. “You?”</p>
<p>“Heading to the greenhouses now, just took a break for lunch.”</p>
<p>Amy nodded her head, there was an odd sort of energy between them. She felt like she was supposed to say something but couldn’t quite find the words. Rosie, ever helpful, found some of her own.</p>
<p>“Are you busy on Friday night?” she asked, plowing through without waiting for an answer. “There’s actually something decent playing this week at the theater, figured you might want to check it out.”</p>
<p>“Uh,” she fumbled. Of course she was free. Was it wrong to say yes to her after last night? It wasn’t like she owed anything to Joel, wasn’t like it meant anything more than it did. And she still owed Rosie a date. “That sounds nice, actually.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Rosie said, her voice soft and her smile widening. Amy smiled back. “Well, good. It’s a date then.” She winked at her and Amy felt her heart skip a little. “I gotta get back.”</p>
<p>“See ya.”</p>
<p>Rosie squeezed her arm gently before leaving, and she turned to look back at her twice before she disappeared between rows of buildings. If the greenhouses weren’t so damn close to Joel’s place, she might have followed after her. Spent the day helping out instead of overthinking her life choices. Instead she went home and made lunch.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Friday night came quickly, Amy had spent the rest of the week picking up extra assignments outside of Jackson. When patrols weren’t available, she took guard duty at the dam. It ate up a few days and kept her far the hell away from Joel who she hadn’t seen since she’d left him sleeping in bed. It just confirmed for her what she had already decided, that night had been a one off for both of them. Just an old habit resurfacing, one they had to act out to deal the killing blow once and for all. And now she could figure things out with Rosie, she let herself feel excited for the first time in a while as she made her way through the streets of Jackson to pick her up for their movie date.</p>
<p>Rosie was waiting for her on her front porch, seated on the railing and swinging her legs.</p>
<p>“Kinda thought you might bail on me again,” she said when Amy was close enough. Rosie grinned devilishly, seeing Amy recoil. “I’m glad you didn’t.”</p>
<p>“I’m a jerk, I know,” she said, shutting her eyes.</p>
<p>Rosie hopped down from the railing and reached for Amy’s hand. She held it lightly and Amy felt color rising to her cheeks. “Let’s go,” Rosie said then, not letting go as they began walking towards the theater.</p>
<p>“So what’s this movie?” Amy asked to fill the silence.</p>
<p>“Some horror thing, I know how you like those,” Rosie said, giving her hand a little squeeze. “Don’t really get it but…”</p>
<p>“They’re comforting somehow,” Amy shared. “Reminds me of what it’s like outside these walls.”</p>
<p>“And that’s comforting to you?” Rosie turned to her, not stopping but staring at her dubiously.</p>
<p>“It’s, uh, hard to explain.” She felt silly for it but horror movies kept her on her toes mentally. She loved Jackson, had fought hard to find it but she was still afraid that one day it might vanish. Like a dream. It felt good to remember that, if she had to, she could still survive without it. The movies reminded her of that. Even if they did occasionally trigger nightmares of the old days, at least she wouldn’t forget.</p>
<p>“Whatever works, I guess,” Rosie said with a sigh.</p>
<p>“What about you? You still prefer all those goofy comedies?”</p>
<p>“You know it,” Rosie chuckled. “The goofier the better.”</p>
<p>“Well, I appreciate your willingness to suffer for me.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure it’ll be worth it,” Rosie said, her brows raising slightly. Amy felt at risk of blushing again and turned away.</p>
<p>They made it to the front of the theater and Amy opened the door, letting Rosie head inside first. There was a good ten minutes before the film was set to start and a few groups of people were standing around the lobby chatting and sipping at beers. Amy scanned the crowd and her eyes fell on Tommy and Maria near the doors to the screening room. Joel was standing across from his brother. He hadn’t spotted her yet, too busy saying something to the others.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Rosie said suddenly, calling Amy’s attention back to her. “I’m gonna run over to Seth’s and grab a beer, you want one?”</p>
<p>“Uh no, I’m good,” Amy said, still a bit distracted.</p>
<p>Rosie left her and Amy felt vulnerable all on her own. She was wearing an old flannel over a tank top and decided to take it off. The room was a little too hot for it with all of the bodies heating up the air. There was an old office that people typically used to store their coats during the winter months. She made her way for it to hang up her extra shirt and to avoid being spotted by any of the Millers.</p>
<p>Amy found an empty coat rack and placed the shirt on it, jumping slightly when she heard the door to the room shut behind her suddenly. She turned to see Joel and sighed.</p>
<p>“You know, if you ever get infected, you’d make a pretty good stalker,” she said to him, turning back around to avoid his smiling eyes.</p>
<p>“That’s dark,” he said, the sounds of his footsteps drawing nearer. When he was near enough, he put his hands on her hips and leaned down to press his lips on the exposed skin of her shoulder. “You disappeared on me.”</p>
<p>“I had work to do,” she lied, hating how good it felt to have him touching her. How her body instinctively melted at the feel of him.</p>
<p>“Should’ve woke me anyway, I owed you a cup of coffee.” He sucked a little on her neck then, fuck.</p>
<p>Amy turned forcefully, making his hands fall away but now they were face to face which was worse. She looked to his lips, he was smiling in a way she wasn’t used to. She needed to get out of this room, needed whatever that smile meant to not happen. But then he kissed her and her mind went blank for a few too many seconds too long. When he pulled back again, she kept her eyes closed.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she breathed out, steeling herself.</p>
<p>He pressed his lips to her jawline and hummed questioningly.</p>
<p>“Not here, please,” she said, opening her eyes to make sure the door was still shut. Mercifully it was.</p>
<p>“You wanna come by later?” he asked, pulling back. He had one arm propped against the wall at her back, trapping her in between him and the coat rack.</p>
<p>“I can’t,” she said, pressing lightly on his chest. He took the hint and stepped away from her. She should tell him about Rosie. She should. “The movie’s gonna start soon…”</p>
<p>“We’ll talk after,” he said, not as a question.</p>
<p>“Fine.” Whatever she needed to say to get out of this room. She’d be sure to slip away with Rosie as quickly as possible once the movie was over.</p>
<p>When they got back out into the lobby, Rosie had joined with Tommy and Maria.</p>
<p>“Thought you ran off,” Rosie said to her, noting Joel’s presence with a nod to him.</p>
<p>“Just hanging my shirt up in the back,” she said, moving to stand beside Rosie and far away from Joel.</p>
<p>“You’ve been keeping busy lately,” Tommy said to her, giving her a small pat on the back.</p>
<p>“Just like being useful,” she said, lying for the second time of the night.</p>
<p>“You spent how many days at the dam?” he went on. “Two? Three?”</p>
<p>“Three,” she confirmed, wanting desperately to slip away. She could feel Joel’s eyes on her and it was taking all of her focus to not look back.</p>
<p>“You know back last fall, Joel helped us fight off a bunch of those bandits at the dam when the power went out.” She turned then, not realizing Joel had been in Jackson all the way back then. She frowned.</p>
<p>“We were just passing through,” Joel said in answer to the question on her face. “Didn’t come to town.”</p>
<p>Rosie grabbed her hand again, squeezing it once. “We should head inside,” she said, pulling her towards the doors where other groups were also starting to file in. They found a pair of seats in a middle row and Rosie sat down beside her, still holding onto her hand. When she turned to see who was taking the seat on her other side she swallowed painfully. Joel smiled down at her and sat down, his leg touching hers. No real chance of running off without being noticed now, she thought to herself. Fuck.</p>
<p>Amy pulled her hand from Rosie’s and tried to make herself small, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her chin on her knees. If she could just focus on the movie, things would feel better. That was what she kept repeating in her head as the movie began. It was some slasher flick, not her ideal kind of horror movie but it would do. Rosie seemed enthralled by it at least and Amy couldn’t help but smile at every shocked little gasp the other woman let out when the killer appeared suddenly.</p>
<p>Rosie had been born in Jackson, never actually had to do much outside the walls. She didn’t even go on patrol. Something about her softness had drawn Amy to her immediately. She was nearly always funny and cheerful. However Rosie, even in anger, was an adorable sight. In the few spats she had witnessed between Rosie and Seth, it was always a struggle not to laugh. The way her face would turn red and she’d bow up to the much older man…quite the sight. There was one particular instance when she’d had to stop Rosie from throwing her drink at him.</p>
<p>Amy was still staring over at her, a new smile on her lips when Rosie took notice. She smiled back and then pulled a face at her for ignoring the movie.</p>
<p>Amy looked back to the screen and bit her bottom lip. She’d managed to relax a bit more, thinking of Rosie. She was sitting a bit more like a regular human, her legs folded in her seat. Joel shifted on her right then, bringing her back to a tense state as he reached over to squeeze her leg. No one would have seen it but she still glanced around them to be sure. Maybe she could convince Rosie to leave before the movie ended but that would just make her seem like more of an asshole than she already did. Instead she swatted Joel’s hand away and set her eyes hard on the film. He chuckled that deep, smoky laugh of his and something twinged in her stomach at the sound of it. She shut her eyes, immediately returning to the hazy and whiskey filled night from earlier in the week.</p>
<p>When the credits began to roll, Amy was quick to her feet. Rosie seemed slightly startled but didn’t complain when she led the way out and back onto the streets. Joel didn’t attempt to stop them.</p>
<p>“So, what’d you think?” Rosie asked her as they began walking towards her house.</p>
<p>“It was okay,” Amy answered slowly, still stuck in her head.</p>
<p>She was going to have to talk to him at some point. Tell him the truth of the situation. It was the only way she could get him to stop. She hoped so, anyways. She had more than proven that she wasn’t capable of brushing him off. And her body’s reaction to him brought her back to who she was ten years ago. It was bullshit.</p>
<p>“Well, I thought it was great. 10/10,” Rosie said quickly. They were at her door and Rosie pressed her back against it, waiting. Amy wanted to kiss her, wanted to go back several weeks to before Joel had shown up. Rosie bit her lip, her eyes darting down to Amy’s. “You wanna come inside, have a drink?”</p>
<p>“I can’t,” she said, not because it was true but because it had to be. “I have to get up early for patrol, need my head on straight.”</p>
<p>Rosie smirked a little and then shook her head. “Fair enough, goodnight then, I guess.”</p>
<p>“Night,” Amy said, trying not to reveal how shitty she was feeling.</p>
<p>She waited for Rosie to shut the door before she walked away. She took the greenhouse path and headed for Joel’s, not knowing what she planned to say or if she even had the strength to do it. She knocked twice once she was up on the porch and waited.</p>
<p>“Hey stranger,” came his voice behind her. She turned to see him at the bottom of the steps. He moved closer, taking the steps at a leisurely, self-assured pace. Like he knew why she was there. He held her flannel in his grip and she took it wordlessly, shrugging back into it.</p>
<p>When Amy moved out of his way, he opened the door.</p>
<p>“Come on in,” he said then, ushering her inside.</p>
<p>It was better to talk in the house, away from prying eyes and ears. She followed after him, stopping to lean against a wall just in front of the door. For a moment they just looked at each other, him across from her, leaning against a small table.</p>
<p>“You wanted to talk,” she started when it became clear he wasn’t going to say anything.</p>
<p>“I did,” he said softly. He straightened his stance a little, still just watching her.</p>
<p>Amy sighed, shaking her head. “This is stupid.”</p>
<p>Joel uncrossed his arms, stepping closer to her and making her feel like some kind of caged animal again. Only now they were properly alone. He reached for her hands with his and she pulled away.</p>
<p>“You can’t just,” she started, feeling annoyed with herself. “You can’t just show up and act like, fuck, I don’t know. This isn’t happening, okay?”</p>
<p>“This?” he asked, his brow furrowing.</p>
<p>“The other night was a mistake,” she went on and she could tell from his eyes that he didn’t believe her. “Fuck, Joel. I’m seeing someone, alright? So the other night was the last time. I’m not doing this with you again, not after all the bullshit you pulled.”</p>
<p>“That was a long time ago,” he said, something in his voice had shifted. “And you kissed me first.”</p>
<p>Amy groaned, pressing her hand to her temple and screwing her eyes shut tight. “I was drunk. And the length of time doesn’t actually make it less fucked up.”</p>
<p>“I know,” he said, frowning. He didn’t attempt to touch her again but did move to stand beside her against the wall, recrossing his arms and sighing. “So who’s this fella you’re seeing?”</p>
<p>Amy snickered and threw her head back. “Why? You gonna try to get them killed?” She had no idea how he would react to finding out that the someone she was seeing was a woman. He was old enough that he could possibly be an asshole like Seth. Not that it would matter, he didn’t have the right to judge her and she didn't feel any shame for that part of herself.</p>
<p>“Just like to be sure he’s taking care of you, that’s all.” Joel turned to look at her, he nudged her gently with his elbow when she stayed quiet too long.</p>
<p>“It’s new. We’re still…figuring things out.”</p>
<p>“And I’m making that trickier,” he said, reading her all too well. She looked to him and he smiled painfully. “Alright then, I’ll stop. The other night didn’t happen.”</p>
<p>Amy took a deep breath. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” he said then, standing tall and heading towards the back of the house. “You left these,” he said when he returned. He was holding up the underwear that she’d had to leave behind. “Unless of course you wanted me to keep them.”</p>
<p>The smirk he wore as she reached for them made her want to relive his first night in Jackson. Marry her fist with his stupid, smirking face.</p>
<p>“You’re an asshole,” she said once she’d secured them in her back pocket.</p>
<p>She moved to leave, her cheeks burning yet again. He stopped her, his hand covering hers on the doorknob.</p>
<p>“I mean it,” he said then. “Whoever he is, you let him know he better treat you right.”</p>
<p>Amy turned to him, not liking the way he was looking at her. It was predatory, possessive. How he’d been when they finally made it to Boston. “Like you did?”</p>
<p>Joel’s features softened at that and he let go, backing away from her. She turned again and opened the door, leaving him alone but not for the first time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: ehhhh, something between dubcon and full on assault but like...it's complicated. happens in the first section so this is your warning if you need it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>October 2023, Massachusetts</p>
<p>For weeks after their nights went on in the same way. Joel would come to her, hold her and whisper sweetness and spice as he worked her body beneath him like a some kind of precious thing but the days were still a horror, filled with blood and bullets and mud. The weather had started to chill and Amy was grateful for her warmer clothes just as much as she was for Joel’s warmth in the night.</p>
<p>They were taking longer along the road than they ought to, stopping earlier and staying for days at a time when they found safe spaces to just exist. It was almost like Joel was doing his best to avoid actually making it to Boston and Amy was never going to be the one to complain. The nights were too tender, the days too grim. It had begun to feel like they were tethered, like the solace they found in each other was the only thing to look forward to anymore. Amy was starting to wonder inwardly if it really had to end. If the terms of their arrangement couldn’t be adjusted for a second time.</p>
<p>They had finally made it to Massachusetts after what had started to feel like a lifetime and Joel had abruptly forced them to stall their progress. The sun was still high in the sky and Amy let herself believe that he was feeling something for her, something deeper than their shared goal of just making it to their destination.</p>
<p>For all his darkness and violence, she was starting to believe he might be right. That even with the help of her people in Boston, without Joel her journey would end in tragedy. And for the life of her, she refused to see why she should agree to leave him behind.</p>
<p>Joel chose an old farmhouse not too far from the border to rest in. It was some old historic thing, still set with items from centuries prior and still had signs pointing to it being a tourist attraction from back before the outbreak. It was trippy to say the least. There was an old cobblestone fireplace in the kitchen, Joel was working to get a fire going in it. Amy stripped off her jacket and wondered about survivors in the future, if they might find a place like this and have no context for any of it. If the history of everything would eventually just die out like everything else. Maybe there wouldn’t be any people left at all.</p>
<p>The thought made her find her hesitations in asking Joel to go with her seem silly. Even if they never found what she was looking for, it still felt right to stick together. Live and maybe die at each other’s side. They worked well together, he trusted her more now after everything they’d been through. He knew she had his back and she knew he’d do whatever it took to keep them both safe.</p>
<p>Amy was walking through the hallways of the house, staring at old paintings from the early days of America. Back before electricity and when death was just as common as it was now. She figured she and Joel were like the people back in the old west, just traveling and doing what it took to survive in a landscape that had every intention of seeing them dead. The role of a cowboy certainly suited Joel, even if it fit her less. West was where she was heading eventually, even if the specifics were still undecided.</p>
<p>Joel sighed from the kitchen and she heard him sit down roughly in an old chair. She made her way back to him, saw him sat slightly slumped back like he was exhausted. Their trip that day had been uneventful, maybe the constant travel was just wearing him down.</p>
<p>Amy stepped over to him, watching him look at her with half-lidded eyes. She climbed onto his lap, straddling him and his hands went to her thighs. He gave them a squeeze and smiled tiredly at her.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” he asked, somewhat amused. She leaned into him, bringing her teeth to his ear and nipping lightly. He let out a contented sigh then and moved his hands along her back, massaging softly. “Goddamned insatiable, ain’t ya?”</p>
<p>Joel lifted his chin a bit, giving her easy access to his neck. She planted several kisses along it and then pulled back away, gazing down into his hazy eyes. She’d long since learned how to make him melt, how to soften those hardened walls when they were alone and safe for the night. There were still times when it surprised her, when the way he looked at her filled her chest with something bright, heavy, and delicate all at the same time.</p>
<p>He shifted beneath her, pressing her down onto his growing erection and then leaned up to claim her mouth. His tongue meeting hers with no hesitation. Amy bucked her hips against him and he let out a low groan, gripping onto her ass with strong fingers.</p>
<p>She pulled away from him then, wanting to look into his eyes. There was a certain level of fragility in them and something else.</p>
<p>“Leave Boston with me,” she said, almost surprising herself when she heard the desperation in her own voice. Fuck it. “Come with me,” she said much more firmly.</p>
<p>Joel stiffened, she saw the walls go back up and then he was lifting them both up from the chair. He set her on her feet and glowered down at her. “Just what the hell do you think we’ve been doing here?”</p>
<p>“I—I,” she sputtered, trying to reorient herself to the sudden new mood of the room.</p>
<p>“This ain’t some goddamn fairy tale,” he went on, not giving her a chance to get her head on right. “It’s a means to an end and it only lasts as far as Boston. If I need to make that clearer to you then I will but this wasn’t ever going to be anything more than it is.”</p>
<p>The Joel that stood before her now was not one she’d been on the opposite side of. This was the Joel that killed, the one that stripped resources from bodies without a second thought. For the first time in a long while, she nearly let herself be afraid of him. But it was just an act, a defense mechanism. It had to be, she felt it in her gut. And she would swear on everything that she had seen it in his eyes. He cared about her, felt something deeper than just lust even if he refused to admit it.</p>
<p>“Bullshit,” she said, but her voice trembled. “We work well together and I know I’d stand a better chance of finding what I’m looking for with you at my side. We could find it together.” She stepped closer, testing him. “We’ve already made it this far,” she pleaded, willing him to let her in. When she moved to reach for his hand he yanked it violently away.</p>
<p>Joel laughed bitterly and shook his head. “You think me coming to you in the night means something don’t you?” The harshness in his voice, the one she’d gotten so used to in its softer form, made her eyes burn against her will. “I’ll tell you what it means,” he went on, stepping closer with a cruel sneer. “You had something I wanted. You filled a need. Now, I’ve been more than happy to pay back the favor but if you’re going to twist this into something it ain’t,” he reached for her then, spinning her around painfully and shoving her against the kitchen table. One of his hands went for her throat, he squeezed just a little to make his point and pressed himself against her.</p>
<p>Her survival instincts kicked in and she tried to squirm away. Failing that, her hands went to claw at his but it only made him grip her tighter.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she choked out, trying not to panic.</p>
<p>“If you were out here with any other man, what do you reckon they’d have treated you half as well as I have, hmm?” His voice was low again, gruff and quiet at her ear. It would feel intimate if it weren’t so awful. If the words he was saying didn’t make her hate herself for ever letting him touch her. And yet her body was trained to react to him, even now. She felt the heat pooling in her, the wetness that came whenever his hands were on her. Joel kept his right hand around her neck, his grip slackening slightly and used his left to slide into her jeans roughly, not bothering to undo them. She gasped at the familiar feel of his callused fingers. “You want this then fine but don't you ever, not for a second think just because I like fucking you, I’d be willing to die searching for some promiseland that you won’t ever make it to see. I ain’t the one with the deathwish, <em>sweetheart</em>.”</p>
<p>Joel’s fingers found her wetness and he groaned into her hair. He pinched the tender flesh then, rolling the bundle of nerves between his fingers in the way he knew she liked. Amy bit her lip, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of knowing a large part of her liked what he was doing.</p>
<p>“You think I wanna be there when some monster tears you apart?” he whispered almost sweetly. He was stroking her softly now, his other hand far from her neck and focused solely on keeping her pinned. She’d stopped fighting and ground against him where he was still pressed against her ass. The erection that had begun forming only seconds before had softened. He wasn’t enjoying this at all, she didn’t know if that made her feel better or worse. If that meant there was something wrong with her for being turned on. He was giving her what she had wanted just in the worst way possible. Shutting her down while still attempting to get her off. “This is done, you hear me? We’re almost to Boston, if you wanna go back out after and get yourself killed then that’s on you.”</p>
<p>He released her then, and despite herself she missed his warmth. She felt disgusted, angry, and embarrassed that she had said anything at all. That she’d hoped that this was anything more than it ever was. She hated herself for it but she hated him more. After she caught her breath, she spun around to face him. He didn’t even look shocked by her tears and she hated him more. Her hand swung through the air and before she could make contact, Joel caught it. The darkness in his eyes somehow managing to further deepen.</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t stand a chance,” he cautioned, holding tight onto her wrist.</p>
<p>She wrenched it away from him. “If you ever fucking touch me again,” she said through clenched teeth, finger pointed harshly at him. The look on his face in reaction to her fury proved that he didn’t need to hear the rest of the threat.</p>
<p>Joel’s jaw clenched and he blinked once.</p>
<p>Then he left the house without another word, Amy didn’t bother waiting up to see if he came back. She locked herself in one of the upstairs bedrooms and curled in on herself, internally beating herself up for being so <em>goddamned stupid</em>. Hearing his voice in her head, whispering insults until she was too exhausted to keep her eyes open any longer.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Two full days passed and Joel hadn’t returned to the house. He’d either gotten into trouble or decided to forget the payment she’d promised and had abandoned her to figure out a way to Boston on his own. Amy didn’t know which option would make her feel better. Didn’t know if she could even make it to Boston without him. If he had wanted to prove that he didn’t give a shit about her, well, he’d certainly chosen to go overkill with his methods.</p>
<p>Of course, that was his usual strategy. Beat a man to a pulp before waiting to see if they’re truly a threat. Attack the one person who’s had your back before you admit you might have a heart.</p>
<p>Shoot first. Eliminate any possibility of trouble.</p>
<p>Run away.</p>
<p>She guessed, after she’d had time to really think about it, that that’s what she was to him. Trouble. If he did ever feel anything for her, this was him shutting that out. Burning the goddamn house down before it had the chance to do it itself. She wasn’t even sure if she blamed him, whatever had made him the way he was had clearly caused massive damage. She reckoned that’s how he’d driven his brother away. Maybe he’d done it on purpose.</p>
<p>Now that she was facing the possibility of having to go out on her own, she was terrified. Still replaying all the things he’d said about her in their travels. As much as she wanted to believe in herself, she knew she wouldn’t have made it this far without him. And he could have left her behind all the way back in Nashville. Could’ve rejected her offer in the first place. Back before things had become so fucking complicated.</p>
<p>Amy laughed out loud to herself. The fucker had abandoned her and she was still making excuses for him. Too damn empathetic for her own good. She was sure that would be something he’d say, another observation on how she would get herself killed. Too trusting. Too hopeful. An easy target for anything or anyone who would sniff out that weakness and take advantage of it.</p>
<p>The sun was close to setting on the second night since he’d left and she was running low on food. He had to have known she would. Most of what they had was kept in his bag, she was down to a single can of soup. If she didn’t at least attempt to leave the next day she’d starve. Be too weak to fight. She decided to save the soup for the morning, she didn’t mind going to bed with an empty belly if it meant she had the energy she needed the next day.</p>
<p>She had two boxes of ammo left in her bag, some they’d picked up somewhere in Philadelphia after the fight in Maryland had dwindled their supply. She counted the bullets and shut her eyes, steadying herself with her head in her hands.</p>
<p>The front door creaked downstairs and she stiffened in fear before reloading her gun with shaky hands. A single pair of boots were loudly making their way up the steps and she rushed to lock the door to the room. Whoever was in the house made their way slowly down the hall, she could hear them checking each room. She was in the last one at the far end of the house. She gripped her pistol, aiming it at the door and kept as silent as she could.</p>
<p>The knob turned and then she heard a sigh.</p>
<p>“It’s me,” Joel called from the other side of the door. He sounded haggard, his throat scratchy and weak.</p>
<p>Amy climbed to her feet and rushed for the door, she looked at the knob briefly, feeling a little too eager after everything he had said and done. She took a moment to set her gun down before returning to the door. Cursing under her breath, she opened it and Joel was stood there, resting his back against the opposite wall.</p>
<p>“Are you hurt?” she asked, taking him in when he began to walk for the room. She backed away, moving to stand by the window.</p>
<p>“Ran into some hunters,” he said, painfully removing his bag and setting it on an old antique vanity. “Managed to get us enough supplies to make it the rest of the way.”</p>
<p>“That isn’t what I asked.” Her voice was stilted, she hadn’t had the chance to use it much for the last few days. He looked at her then, a hint of shame clear in his expression.</p>
<p>“Nothing a good night’s rest won’t take care of,” he said, limping over to the bed. “You didn’t barricade the door.”</p>
<p>“I was planning on leaving in the morning.”</p>
<p>“Reckon it’s good I made it back in time then.” He sat down on the bed and hunched over before taking a heavy breath inward. “Found us a map, it’s marked up from those hunters. Should help us avoid running into anymore of them.”</p>
<p>“I thought you left for good,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. Protecting herself from whatever he might say.</p>
<p>“I considered it,” he said down to the floor.</p>
<p>“How’d you make up your mind to come back?”</p>
<p>“We had an agreement,” he said, his voice stone cold.</p>
<p>“Right.” She shook her head and stood up straight, making her way for the door. “I’m going to find another room, we should try to head out early.”</p>
<p>“Amelia,” he called out, his voice cracking. She froze her progress, turned. Her chest grew tight as she watched him, waiting for him to say more. The sun was letting in enough light for her to see the shine of wetness in his eyes, his lips fell open like he wanted to speak but he shut his eyes tight instead.</p>
<p>“We don’t have to talk about it,” she said for him more than for herself. Joel exhaled and she left the room.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>For the next few days they followed the guidance of the map Joel had found. Taken, Amy had to remind herself. He’d murdered a group of hunters and <em>taken</em> their shit. She was done trying to view him in the best light, done making excuses. She’d be rid of him soon enough, there wasn’t much reason to try and believe he was a better man than he was. It wouldn’t do her any good at this point. It would just hurt more.</p>
<p>To avoid more of the hunters, they’d had to backtrack slightly, going several miles out of the straight shot they would have normally taken to get to Boston. It meant adding a few extra days to the trip and it also meant going to places the worst of what was left of humanity had actively wanted to avoid. It was the third day since they’d left the farm house and they had run into more infected than almost the entirety of their journey had held. They’d snuck past the ones they could, taken down the others. They were both exhausted long before the day merited settling in but both decided, out of breath and weary, to find a safe space and call it a night. Their chosen location was a gas station. Not ideal but at the very least they could stay long enough to restore some of their spent stamina and then look for a better option. There were still enough hours in the day to make that viable.</p>
<p>Joel pulled out his canteen and chugged it like a dying man. Amy stretched her muscles, having spent most of the day crouched down had been hell on her legs and back.</p>
<p>They hadn’t really spoken much, and she didn’t really want to. She was still morose, moody, and bitter about what had happened. If Joel cared, he hadn’t attempted to speak about it again. Of course he wouldn’t, Joel would obviously seize on any opportunity to <em>not</em> talk about something. To pretend something didn’t exist or hadn’t happened. That he hadn’t said those things, that she didn’t still feel the pressure of his hand wrapped around her throat.</p>
<p>She’d dreamed about the moment since he’d come back, of the juxtaposition of the pain and the feel of him pleasuring her at the same time. She didn’t even know if she should call it that, if pleasure had anything to do with it. If it wasn’t more about pushing her away, making her hate him by showing her he didn’t care.</p>
<p>It didn’t matter. A few more days, maybe a week and they’d be in Boston. Job done. He could do what he said back in the beginning of their journey, forget she ever existed and she planned on doing the same. In the grand scheme of things, a few months together was nothing. He was right for putting that into perspective.</p>
<p>All of the shelves of the gas station had been stripped bare, seemingly violently by the way some of them slanted and swung from their original, intended position. There were several old, glass front refrigerators lined up at the far end of the place. All likewise empty, some of them had been shattered.</p>
<p>Amy stepped over the glass that layered the floor, working her way to the bathroom for some privacy. She’d begun to put as much space between her and Joel as she could safely manage. Now the closest they would get was when they were huddled in darkness, hiding from the eyes of infected or worse. Joel would shield her with his body, probably worried she might fuck up somehow.</p>
<p>Reveal their position.</p>
<p>The restrooms were filthy, of course. But the mirror was still intact and Amy glanced at her reflection. They’d crossed through a river that morning, taken the opportunity to clean themselves up. Her face still looked relatively clean, if a bit sweaty despite the cold. Her hair was pulled back, tied away like she always had it during the day. There was something in her expression she didn’t recognize. Something Joel had given her, some of his brooding had rubbed off on her. She hoped it was temporary, didn’t want to think of him every time she looked in a mirror.</p>
<p>Amy set her backpack down on the sink and used some of the water from her canteen to wash her hands. There was still just enough soap in the dispenser to properly clean off the blood she’d stained her hands with earlier in the day. She still had her knife, Joel had been smart in telling her to take it.</p>
<p>Sorting through the contents of her backpack had become a habit when they stopped for the day, she pulled out the book she’d taken so many months before. She’d managed to read it twice, early on. Once the Joel thing had started in earnest, she hadn’t touched it again. Preferring his company rather than the words on the pages.</p>
<p>Amy opened to the page where she still had the picture of the man who had tried to kill her back in Kentucky. It hadn’t felt right to leave it behind but she still didn’t quite understand why she’d wanted to take it with her. She didn’t need the reminder of his death. She had his knife, had the image of Joel blowing his head off burned into her memory. Maybe it was just that she didn’t have any photos of her own family and that his looked so kind.</p>
<p>She stuffed the picture back into the book and returned it to her bag with a heavy sigh. Amy took another moment to look at herself in the mirror. It felt like years since she’d last properly seen herself. All the reflective surfaces in the past few months had been too dirty to really get a sense of herself. And now…well, she looked quite a bit less like herself than before. Maybe she was just getting older. Maybe the journey was wearing her down.</p>
<p>She’d not been staring too long but she heard a shifting in one of the stalls, too little warning to pull her gaze away from the mirror. A stalker shoved its way out of one of the bathroom stalls, smashing her head into the glass of the mirror before she could react.</p>
<p>Amy shouted Joel’s name and the infected beat down hard upon her at the noise. She shifted, turned herself as the two of them fell down to the tile floor, the stalker still scrabbling and swinging and doing all within its power to bash her head in. Amy again fought off the worst of it, spinning their bodies so that she was above it. She attempted to swing harshly at its head, only to be pulled down and turned back around, her back hitting the ground with a new sharpness.</p>
<p>The infected scrambled upwards, Amy pushed at its chest while it attempted to chomp down on her. Her hands were sweating, she tried to shove the stalkers face away and the slickness made it slip, bowing its head downward towards her shoulder.</p>
<p>And then she felt the sharpness of something digging into the skin of her back and she found a new strength. She shouted at the penetrating bite of pain, shrieked as she threw the stalker from her. Cursed as she beat its skull in, slamming its head against the porcelain of the sink.</p>
<p>Over and over. Unwilling to let it stop until Joel finally breached the room and pulled her away from the thing. “Hey,” he half shouted, gripping her face in his hands.</p>
<p>Amy felt the tears rising to her eyes, felt the pain in her back where it burned and promised nothing but death. Joel, too late, pulled her from the room.</p>
<p>He gripped her hands, uncaring about the setting sun, and pulled her from the gas station. Dragging her what felt like miles to the back of a strip mall.</p>
<p>Amy couldn’t think, couldn't make much sense of any of the words Joel had been speaking as he pulled her into a backroom of an old mattress store. He left her sitting on one of the beds, mumbling some words of reassurance as he made sure the gate that rolled down from the ceiling to block the entrance was secure. She stared at her hands as he worked and wondered if saying a prayer would do any good at this point. As if millions of others before her hadn’t done the same.</p>
<p>And then the true tears threatened. Joel was coming back over, situating himself on another mattress across from her and she whimpered. Actually fucking whimpered.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she gasped out.</p>
<p>His usual dismissive demeanor disappeared in an instant and he was on his knees before her.</p>
<p>“What is it?” he asked and she choked on a pained sob. He pulled her hands into his, stacking them on top of each other like that might help.</p>
<p>Amy let out another small sob, shuddering when she met Joel’s eyes again.</p>
<p>“I think,” she started, knowing full well that Joel was the sort of person who would shoot her if he thought she might have been infected without a second wasted. “I think,” she repeated, trying to maintain her composure, “I think it bit me.”</p>
<p>His eyes instantly darkened and Amy shut her eyes tight, not wanting to see him raise the gun. But then she felt him stand, felt his hands on her. “Where?” he asked, his voice a weak and desperate sort of thing.</p>
<p>She motioned for her back, where she felt it on her shoulder. Where she couldn’t check it on her own. Joel’s hand gripped her shoulder and squeezed, she let out one last soft sob. He climbed onto the mattress behind her, moved the torn fabric of her shirt down to reveal her wounded shoulder and sighed with the weight of a million suns.</p>
<p>“You ain’t,” Joel said then, his tone solid. “You ain’t bit.”</p>
<p>Another sob came unbidden and she tried to stifle it. Failing, she turned towards Joel. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he squeezed the area around her injury gently. It felt comforting. Even if she worried he might be lying to her. “There’s just some glass stuck in you, I’ll get it out.”</p>
<p>His hands moved to gently lift her shirt and she raised her arms to make it easier. Joel set the shirt aside and got to work, pulling out each bit of the stabbing pain, one by one. When he was finished she looked back at him over her shoulder, still not entirely sure that she believed him.</p>
<p>“You’re not lying to me, right?” she started, still feeling weak and scared. “You’re not just gonna shoot me in my sleep…”</p>
<p>Joel moved slowly, pulling a bottle of rubbing alcohol from his bag, “I wouldn’t do that. You’re gonna be alright, I promise.”</p>
<p>He poured the alcohol onto a fresh rag and patted at her injury, it stung but with the glass out the pain didn’t feel as sharp. Amy shut her eyes as he continued cleaning it, holding herself around her middle to keep from breaking. It had been so close, she’d thought even closer. Could’ve sworn. What if she had been alone, unable to check the wound herself to confirm it wasn’t a bite? She didn’t know if she was strong enough to take her own life but she knew the other option would have been just as terrifying to face.</p>
<p>Joel finished cleaning her shoulder and his arms circled around her, his lips pressing to the area just above the wound. Amy let herself cry then, his touch telling her it was all going to be okay. It wasn’t the terrified sobs from before, just a small shaking thing of relief. Of appreciation. Joel held her until she calmed, his legs had shifted to straddle her and she leaned against him. Not caring about the soreness of her shoulder, just wanting their bodies as close as possible. Joel held her tighter, seeming to read her mind. Or maybe he just felt the same way.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she whispered, desperate enough to beg.</p>
<p>He inhaled a little, pressed his lips to her skin again and shifted. Amy turned her head again, looking at his sad eyes for something new.</p>
<p>“You want me to make you feel better?” he asked, his brows pulling together painfully. Amy just kissed him, turning fully around to get better situated in his lap.</p>
<p>They moved slowly, tenderly.</p>
<p>Joel was being extra careful with her and considering the events of the day, she didn’t mind. He didn’t fuck her, not like he used to. The stalker had clearly been too close for comfort for Joel just as much as it was for her. Maybe he was finally letting himself admit that he didn’t want to lose her. Not to an infected and not to Boston.</p>
<p>Amy didn’t want to lose him either, didn’t want to face a final goodbye. As cheesy as it sounded, as improbable as it was, Joel and Amy made love for the first time that night and when it was over Joel held her tight, his hand on hers where it rested on his chest.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said, hazy and warm from his touch.</p>
<p>“I know,” he answered back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry that this was a bit of a rough one, things will get better before they get worse again lol. Very happy that Amy actually managed to punch Joel in the face at the very beginning of this story, he's gonna earn it more later.</p>
<p>I swear this has a happy ending. But also like, no it doesn't because reasons and also format.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Amy and Ellie finally get to meet, huzzah! Also I really like this one.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>September 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>Amy was working in the greenhouses for the first time in nearly a month. Joel seemed to have gotten the message and had mostly left her alone since she’d left his house. The morning was still fresh and bright, Rosie had been staring at her strangely from over the tomatoes she'd been plucking from a vine when Amy finally caught her.</p>
<p>“What?” Amy asked her, face twisting slightly in confusion.</p>
<p>Rosie set down her basket and took a tentative step closer. And then she kissed her, a hand pulling at her belt loop to tug Amy closer. Amy’s hand flew to the other woman’s cheek, brushing the soft skin with her thumb. Kissing Rosie was a slow and languid thing, her mouth tasted of sweetness and the way her hands were always so soft when they held her made her feel lighter.</p>
<p>They’d finally slept together the night before and it had been good. Better than good. There was something about Rosie that made some of the worst things that usually came to mind fade slightly. Something about her brightness that seemed to promise to chase away the dark.</p>
<p>Truth be told, it scared her to death.</p>
<p>“Ahem,” someone cleared their throat near the entrance to the greenhouse.</p>
<p>Rosie pulled away, turned to their intruder.</p>
<p>“Man, you guys really like tomatoes,” the kid, Ellie, said. Maria was standing behind her with a hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>“Sorry for interrupting,” Maria said pointedly at Amy. “Ellie is here to help out, we were supposed to go to the lake with the boys for swimming lessons but…something came up.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” Rosie said, not missing a beat and stepping over jovially to the kid. She tousled her hair and Ellie swatted her hand away with feigned annoyance.</p>
<p>“Well,” Maria started again. Amy hadn’t moved from her spot against the wall, Maria looked her over again, something strange in her eyes. “I’d better go.”</p>
<p>“Shit,” Amy hissed under her breath.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like she wanted to keep Rosie a secret necessarily. She had just never been terribly interested in other people knowing her business, even back in Atlanta. And maybe she was a little bit worried that once Rosie got to know her better, she’d run for her life and that her heartbreak would be the talk of the town if people knew about them.</p>
<p>Okay, and yes, some of it had to do with Joel. Ellie having seen the two of them kissing was exactly the kind of trouble Amy didn’t need when she was still trying to figure things out. Rosie had made it clear that she wasn’t trying to pressure her into anything she wasn’t ready for, Amy didn’t know if that meant they were supposed to be exclusive or if the terms of their…friendship were open to negotiation. She could have asked, they could have discussed before she’d left her in bed the night before but Amy almost preferred not knowing.</p>
<p>Rosie hadn’t been offended when Amy had decided not to spend the night, hadn’t asked her what the reason was either. She wasn’t sure if that should hurt her feelings or not, the seeming lack of desire to know why she favored sleeping alone.</p>
<p>Amy figured Rosie knew enough of the world, of the people who had found Jackson a little too late to sleep soundly. It wasn’t every night, but when the nightmares did come Amy had a tendency to thrash and roll and, more than once, she’d woke up to her own screaming. It was lucky that sort of night reaction hadn’t shown itself until she’d made it to Jackson. Maybe it was the safety that made the nightmares so much worse. The fear of it all being ripped away.</p>
<p>Either way, Amy didn’t want to scare Rosie away so quickly. She was sure she’d fuck things up in some other way before the nightmares became a problem and in the meantime she could enjoy kissing Rosie in the morning light that shined into the greenhouses while most of the town was just getting out of bed.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Rosie said then, pulling Amy back to now. “You good?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, just…thinking,” she said, shaking it off.</p>
<p>“You wanna help Ellie with tilling?”</p>
<p>Amy turned to look at the kid who was grabbing gloves from under one of the tables. She was never really good with kids, hadn’t spent much time with any since she was one. And the Joel thing made it weirder. She hadn’t spent enough time with him to even find out how he’d wound up with Ellie. What exactly they were to each other.</p>
<p>“You okay with that?” Amy asked Ellie.</p>
<p>“Whatever,” Ellie answered back with a heavy sigh.</p>
<p>“Great…” So that’s how this was going to be. Amy led the way to another of the greenhouses where several patches of earth had been marked off for a new batch of veggies.</p>
<p>Ellie grabbed a small shovel and began to smack away at the dirt, not really paying attention to the task. Amy grabbed a shovel of her own and set to work, moving around the kid as well as she could. At some point Ellie had tossed the tool to the side and was watching her intently.</p>
<p>“Is everything okay?” Amy asked when the staring went on too long. “You can probably just head off if you aren’t feeling like gardening today. Promise I won’t tell Maria.”</p>
<p>“You and Rosie,” Ellie started, kicking her feet awkwardly. “You guys are…”</p>
<p>“Uh,” Amy stumbled, “We’re friends.”</p>
<p>“Friends who kiss,” Ellie deadpanned. “You seriously gonna stick with that one?”</p>
<p>Amy’s mouth fell open. “I—we—it’s new.”</p>
<p>“Does Joel know?” Ellie asked then.</p>
<p>“I don’t see how he has anything to do with anything,” Amy blurted out quickly. “It’s none of his business who I kiss.”</p>
<p>There was something in Ellie’s eyes, in the way she was standing. A strange sort of apprehension. Had Joel said something to her about the past? Or worse, the night they’d had since he’d come to Jackson? To a kid? No, there was no way he’d volunteer that sort of information to a teenager.</p>
<p>“I’m only asking because,” Ellie paused, clutching her hands together in front of her before exhaling, “If you haven’t told him, is it because you think he wouldn’t be okay with it?”</p>
<p>“Okay with me kissing—<em>oh</em>,” before she could finish something clicked. This wasn’t about her and Rosie at all. “I don’t know what he would think about it,” she answered honestly.</p>
<p>“But you have an idea…” Ellie picked her shovel back up and turned away.</p>
<p>“Ellie,” Amy said, moving forward to stand beside her. “If you’re saying what I think you’re saying, I know that…”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to,” Ellie interrupted, brushing her off when she got too close. “It’s fine.”</p>
<p>“No I,” Amy resumed, “Joel and I have our own beef and it has nothing to do with Rosie. I just prefer to keep certain parts of my life to myself. But I can tell that he cares about you, you guys wouldn’t be here otherwise. So I doubt there’s anything about you that would ever make Joel think less of you. And definitely not that.”</p>
<p>Ellie screwed up her face, scoffing. “He told me I had to be nice to you.”</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip. “You don’t, not if you don’t want to.”</p>
<p>She considered her for a moment, her brows pulling together in a way that wasn’t dissimilar to a common Joel expression. “I’m sure he deserved it.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“The punch,” Ellie answered easily. “He can be a real dick sometimes.”</p>
<p>Amy chuckled. “Still wasn’t right of me to do it. Least not with so many witnesses.” She nudged the kid forward, back to the patches of partially tilled earth. “Let’s get back to work, okay?”</p>
<p>Ellie shrugged, rolling up her sleeves. She’d finished a row before she suddenly stopped again. “You won’t say anything to him, right?”</p>
<p>“You keep my secrets, I’ll keep yours.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>“Joel mentioned he was teaching you how to play guitar?”</p>
<p>They’d finished off the new garden beds and were resting on a grassy patch just outside the greenhouses to eat lunch. Rosie had packed food for the two of them and they each split a portion of theirs to share with Ellie. They’d taken lunch much later than normal, being caught up in the work of planting the new stock of crops that would get the whole town through winter.</p>
<p>“Damn, guitar and swimming lessons,” Rosie exclaimed, nudging the girl softly. “Someone’s getting spoiled.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, I’m not doing too great at either,” Ellie said, shoulders slumping.</p>
<p>“Ah, ya just gotta practice and keep at it, like anything.” Rosie crumpled up the paper she’d had her sandwich wrapped in and brushed her hands on the front of her pants. “So what was it that canceled your lake visit today? Nerves?”</p>
<p>“Uh, no,” Ellie said, scratching at the back of her neck. “Joel wasn’t feeling up to it.”</p>
<p>“He sick?” Amy asked, the concern in her voice betraying her. Rosie’s gaze fell on her and Amy looked away, her right hand squeezing the opposite arm.</p>
<p>“I think so, maybe. Nothing serious though, Tommy just said he needed the day to rest.”</p>
<p>The idea of Joel with a cold was both amusing and inconceivable. Would he be a baby about it like all the men in her family had always been before the outbreak or would he soldier on. Canceling plans with Ellie pointed towards the former and something soft in her almost wanted to take care of him. He’d taken care of her multiple times back in the day, stitched her up when she needed him to. There had really only been one or two occasions when he needed even a little bit of care and he’d always pushed against it.</p>
<p>Would he still be like that now?</p>
<p>Amy shook herself out of her head, out of the image of Joel in bed with a fever and her stroking his cheek. Rosie was watching her still with a worried expression. Amy forced a smile.</p>
<p>“Well,” Rosie said then, climbing to her feet. “I think we’ve done what we could today, how about we call it a day. I can finish cleaning up on my own.”</p>
<p>“You sure?” Amy asked, not exactly hating the idea of heading home early to wash the dirt out from under her nails. Or the opportunity to check on Joel.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you up for a drink later? Around seven?”</p>
<p>“That sounds nice.” Amy stood, leaning down to help Ellie to her feet also. “I’ll walk you home,” she said to her then, Ellie shrugged but didn’t reject the offer.</p>
<p>It wasn’t a long walk, Ellie led the way and opened a gate that went directly into Joel’s backyard. There weren’t any lights on inside the house, from what she could tell. No signs of life either. Ellie went for the small garage and pulled out a key.</p>
<p>“You probably don’t have to bother with that,” Amy said, a bit awkwardly.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.” Ellie opened the door and then turned to face her. “Thanks for the, uh, talk earlier.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” Amy said with a shake of her head. “You ever need someone to talk to about, ya know, I’m here. And so is Rosie. She’s probably better at the whole guidance thing than I am so…take that for what it’s worth.”</p>
<p>“Noted.” Ellie’s eyes darted towards the bigger house and then returned to Amy. “You gonna check on him?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I think so. See if he needs some soup or something.”</p>
<p>Ellie nodded, biting her lip. “He talks about you a lot, you know.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Amy said softly, looking away and down to her feet.</p>
<p>“Maybe one of these days we can have a movie night, you could bring Rosie.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, maybe.” Amy took a steadying breath. “What kinds of things does he say about me?”</p>
<p>Ellie laughed a little. “Mostly that you’re smart and stuff. That you were pretty good at putting him in his place when he needed it. <em>Didn’t take much guff</em>, I think were the exact words he used,” she did a pretty decent try at Joel’s voice when she said the phrase. “Still think he’s a little shocked that he found you again. He said when you were traveling together that Jackson was exactly the kind of place you were looking for. Said he was a real ass about it.”</p>
<p>Amy sighed a laugh and shut her eyes. “He was.”</p>
<p>“Well, I’ll let you go.” Ellie stepped into the garage and smiled up at her as she shut the door.</p>
<p>Amy stood still for just a moment, contemplating if it was smart to check on Joel. If it was overstepping to even want to. Fuck it, she thought before she made her way towards the back porch.</p>
<p>She knocked twice and waited, not hearing any sounds of movement within. Something about the quiet made her nervous, she tried the door and was pleased to find that it was unlocked. Seemed he was adjusting to Jackson quicker than the kid was.</p>
<p>The door led into a small mudroom of sorts, piles of dirty clothing sat in baskets near the door. She tiptoed into the kitchen, casting her eyes around for any sign of the man. A lone coffee cup sat on the small dining table by the window, a few coffee grounds scattered at the bottom of it. Before she could decide if she should call out to him, she heard movement on the stairs. He was still alive then, that was good.</p>
<p>“Ellie, I told Tommy I—” Joel paused when he spotted her still in the kitchen, resting with her back to the island counter that sat in the middle of the room. He looked tired but not especially ill. “Oh, I thought you were—”</p>
<p>“I knocked,” she said, interrupting him. “Twice.”</p>
<p>“Typically when no one answers the door, you don’t break into the house.” He headed for the back door and locked it. He was moving slower than normal, maybe he’d gotten injured out on patrol. “What are you doing here?” he asked when he returned, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the mudroom.</p>
<p>“Worked with Ellie in the greenhouses today,” Amy said, stepping to the other side of the island so that it was between them. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on it. “She said you were sick. I got worried.”</p>
<p>“I’m not sick,” Joel said with a sigh. He stepped deeper into the room, meeting her eyes from the other side of the island. He leaned down as well, mirroring her posture. “Just wanted the day to myself.” He considered her for a moment and she wondered if he was thinking of asking her to leave. If she should beat him to it. “It’s uh,” he paused again, squeezing at his neck and wincing. “It’s my birthday, actually.”</p>
<p>A small smile tugged at the corners of Amy’s lips, Joel noticed it. “You’re spending your birthday hiding in your house all alone in the dark? You know you still get older even if you ignore it.”</p>
<p>He smiled at that but it seemed pained. “It’s also the last full day I had before everything went to shit in Austin,” he said quietly.</p>
<p>“Oh,” she exhaled. “That’s unlucky.”</p>
<p>Joel pursed his lips and nodded, eyes staring down at his hands as he squeezed them together. Amy took a deep breath and then straightened, squaring her shoulders.</p>
<p>“Come on,” she said then and Joel met her eyes again, a question apparent on his face. Amy stepped to his side of the island and tugged at his arm to get him to move. She led the way to the dining room, finding his drink cart and pouring two glasses of whiskey. He accepted one of them with a chagrined expression and she raised her glass. “To another trip around the sun.”</p>
<p>“To having one foot in the grave,” Joel said darkly, clinking his glass against hers before draining it in one gulp. He winced, shutting his eyes at the burning liquid.</p>
<p>Amy set her glass down on the dining table, taking a seat on one of the chairs. Joel grabbed the still open bottle of whiskey and sat it down on the table, pulling out a chair of his own. He refilled his glass and took a smaller sip this time. They sat in silence for several minutes until Joel shut his eyes again and pinched the bridge of his nose.</p>
<p>“Tell me something I don’t know about you,” he said then, eyes still squeezed tight.</p>
<p>Amy licked her bottom lip before biting it. “Anything?”</p>
<p>“Anything,” he whispered so low it hurt her chest.</p>
<p>Amy nodded, more for herself than Joel. He still had his eyes shut. She tapped at her mouth a bit, thinking carefully. “My birthday’s in March.”</p>
<p>“What day?” he asked, a small smile breaking away some of the gloom.</p>
<p>“The seventh.” Amy finished off her glass and pushed it forward on the table. She rested her head on her hands and just watched Joel, he was breathing a bit more rapidly. “Hey,” she said then, not knowing what was going on. “You okay?”</p>
<p>He opened his eyes then, met hers and she saw tears in them. “Tell me something else, something from after Boston.”</p>
<p>Now it was her turn to shut her eyes. Amy heard the sound of liquid pouring and then the sliding sound of glass on wood, she opened her eyes to see a newly filled glass in front of her. She took a sip, steadying herself and trying to think of something that wouldn’t be too terrible to hear out loud. “I was alone for a long time before Jackson.” Another sip, bigger this time. “All those guys I’d left with had either died or given up by that point. Stayed behind with random groups of people we came across along the way. Barely better than hunters but they assumed that kind of safety was the best we were gonna get.”</p>
<p>“You never gave up?” he asked, voice thick.</p>
<p>Amy looked at him, frowning heavily. “I did actually,” she shook her head, remembering the worst parts of those days and wanting to rid her mind of them. “Just ended up getting lucky. Almost shot Tommy when I ran into him, would’ve if I hadn’t been out of bullets.” Amy drained her glass. “Don’t even think he knows that,” she said with a half-laugh.</p>
<p>“Sarah died on the night of the outbreak,” Joel said then, the words sounding like they’d nearly gotten stuck in his throat on the way out. “It was early into the next day, we were trying to flee Austin with Tommy…got into an accident. I had to carry her and some soldier gunned us down. Reckon he was just following orders but I,” he stopped, the words dying on his tongue.</p>
<p>The sun had begun to set and the light that streamed in through the windows was a pinkish hue. Joel took a deep breath and then his body relaxed, some kind of weight lifted. Amy reached across the table and gripped his hand. She didn’t know what to say.</p>
<p>“I keep wondering what she’d be like now if she’d made it this long,” he began again. “All the shit I had to do to survive, I’m not sure I want to know. Not sure it ain’t some kind of blessing that she never had to see the worst of us. Never had to be that.” Joel squeezed her hand back, turning it over to rub soft circles in her palm. “That make me a terrible person?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think so,” she said carefully. “Sparing someone you love from something that could destroy them seems like a good impulse to me.”</p>
<p>The look he gave her then was odd, a small twitch to his features as his eyes studied her face. Another night so many years ago back in Boston bloomed at the back of her mind and she had to bite her tongue to keep herself from bringing it up.</p>
<p>Amy gave Joel’s fingers one last squeeze and then pulled back away. She pushed her chair out from the table and stood up, stretching her legs and only then feeling the effects of the liquor. Amy moved to the light switch on the wall and flipped it on.</p>
<p>“Have you eaten anything today?” she asked, blinking at the brightness.</p>
<p>“Uh, no,” he grumbled. “Just coffee this morning.”</p>
<p>Amy nodded. “Okay, then. I’m making you dinner.”</p>
<p>“Excuse me?”</p>
<p>“Not letting you make yourself sick,” she said, stepping back into the kitchen and flipping on more lights. Joel was slow to follow after her, when he finally entered the room she had pulled out some venison that he must have picked up from the butcher recently. Joel attempted to help, moving to pull down a cast iron skillet from a cabinet. Amy swatted him away, shoving him towards the sink. “It’s your birthday,” she scolded. “You just sit there and look pretty.”</p>
<p>“Amy,” he sighed, shaking his head.</p>
<p>She pulled a knife from his knife block and held it up, mocking a threat.</p>
<p>“Fine.” He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, watching her move around the kitchen. She found a few other items, including some greens for a salad and the remnants of a few days old loaf of bread. She wasn’t particularly excellent in the kitchen, usually making the same basic things but she wanted to make sure Joel understood that she appreciated him opening up to her. And maybe a little part of her wanted to show that part of her understood some of what had happened in Boston. If she could give him just a little bit of forgiveness, then maybe she could forgive herself as well.</p>
<p>It was his birthday, after all.</p>
<p>They’d both lost track of the hour by the time she finished cooking. Joel forced her to sit and eat with him, shoving her into one of the chairs at the small table in the kitchen. Their meal was decidedly not a masterpiece, the meat was a bit overcooked and the bread she attempted to toast in the oven had started going stale but for some reason, potentially the whiskey in his system, Joel insisted that it was delicious. Though it wasn’t like he was above lying.</p>
<p>The sun had set at least an hour before, neither being bothered by the other’s extended company. They fell easily into the old comfort of each others presence. Speaking when they had something to say and eating comfortably in the quiet otherwise. Time had brought Amy the ability to enjoy silence in a way she hadn’t when they had traveled together before. It no longer felt oppressive.</p>
<p>Amy was cleaning up, bringing their emptied plates to the sink when Joel placed a hand on her hip. “I can take care of those in the morning,” he said, no deeper meaning in the words despite how her heart had jolted at the feel of his hand.</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” she said, removing his hand from her in her best attempt at seeming unbothered. “Consider clean dishes your next gift.”</p>
<p>Joel leaned backwards against the counter beside her, watching as she scrubbed the dishes clean. His gaze still had the power to make her skin burn, she chanced a glance at him and frowned. Joel was grinning, an old familiar devilry in his eye.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Ain’t used to seeing you so domestic, is all. Cooking and cleaning.” Joel’s chest rumbled with a laugh and she smacked him with a soapy hand. He caught it and held it against him. Instinct told her to pull away but he kept her hand pinned under his, massaging it with his thumb. Unbidden her fingers moved over the fabric of his shirt, finding the space where it opened. The very tips of her fingers ran over the bit of chest hair that peeked out. “You do this for that boy of yours? Play the good little housewife…” Joel inched closer and Amy held her breath, there was danger in his eyes, the kind she was so used to. The kind that should make her want to run. Joel used his free hand to stroke her cheek, then to tilt her head upwards. A familiar heat pooled deep within her.</p>
<p>Before anything more could happen, there was a knock at the front door. Amy shut her eyes then and she heard Joel curse under his breath. Both of his hands fell away and he moved towards the front of the house. Amy leaned forward over the sink, attempting to get her heartbeat under control.</p>
<p>The voices on the other side of the house told her it was Tommy and Maria who had interrupted whatever the hell she and Joel had been doing. She made her way to the foyer, the words becoming more distinct the closer she got.</p>
<p>“—I know you said you didn’t want any company but Maria thought it’d be a nice thing to do,” Tommy was saying, somewhat sheepish. Amy moved into sight of them and saw Maria had a tupperware container lifted up for Joel.</p>
<p>“It’s strawberry,” Maria said when Joel accepted it.</p>
<p>“Awfully kind of you but I didn’t need,” Joel stopped speaking when Amy stepped onto a creaky floorboard. All eyes turned to her. She forced a smile.</p>
<p>“I’d better head out,” she said, avoiding Joel as much as possible. He managed to block her with his body anyways and neither of the other two seemed interested in making space for her to leave.</p>
<p>“Stay,” Joel said, not too firmly. “Maria brought pie.”</p>
<p>“You been here long?” Maria asked Amy curiously as she and Tommy entered the house. Joel shut the door behind them.</p>
<p>“Walked Ellie home,” Amy said, brushing off the feelings of guilt that were starting to bubble up now that she and Joel were in the company of others. It still felt so strange to be around other people when Joel was around. Unnatural.</p>
<p>Despite the years, Joel still felt like some kind of imaginary friend, like another side of herself. His voice having kept her company long after Boston. Far longer than she would ever admit to him or anyone else.</p>
<p>Tommy was taking in the dining room table, looking at the bottle of whiskey and two glasses that were still sitting where they’d left them more than an hour before. Joel seemed to notice as well, he screwed the lid back on the bottle and put it back on the cart, clearing away the glasses next.</p>
<p>“Amy forced me to drink away my feelings and then she made me dinner,” Joel said to the room and Amy cringed. “The pie is a perfect way to end the night.”</p>
<p>“I’ll get some plates,” Amy said then, noting the wink Joel aimed at her. She wanted to disappear, even if only for a few seconds. “What time is it, by the way?” she asked upon returning.</p>
<p>Joel turned his head towards her, still smiling in a way that made her want to die. Tommy made a face and then turned very exaggeratedly to the clock that was hanging on the wall. It was almost nine.</p>
<p>“Shit,” Amy said then, recalling her plans with Rosie. “I had a thing, I should—” Joel stopped her again, taking the plates from her and pulling out a chair.</p>
<p>“It can wait,” he said, standing firm as he waited for her to sit. Amy complied but only so things didn’t seem nearly as awkward as they truly were. Joel seemed to get off on making her uncomfortable, bonus points if he did it in front of other people.</p>
<p>“How was Ellie today? With you and Rosie?” Maria asked, a sly smile ghosting on her face.</p>
<p>“She did good, seems to be a hard worker.”</p>
<p>Joel beamed at that and it made her heart flip.</p>
<p>“I’d bet she’d like a slice, I’ll go grab her.” Maria exited the room, leaving Amy alone with the two Miller brothers.</p>
<p>“So,” Amy said, turning to Tommy. “Anything new?”</p>
<p>“Got radioed today that there’s a horde traveling a little too close to that outpost to the north,” he said, sighing a bit. “Gonna have to ask for volunteers to go out and handle it.” He turned to Joel then. “That’s out where Esther lives, you remember her from the dam right? It’s about two hours north by car.”</p>
<p>“Uh, I think so,” Joel said, “It’s been a while.”</p>
<p>Maria was reentering the house with Ellie in tow, the latter seemed confused that Amy was still there. Amy waved to the kid and Joel handed her the first slice of pie.</p>
<p>“I can go,” Amy said, returning to the conversation. “To the outpost.”</p>
<p>“You sure? It’ll probably take a couple of days to clear them all,” Tommy said, rolling his shoulder. “And we’d need more than just you to get it done safely.”</p>
<p>“I can ask Eugene,” she said simply. “You know he loves getting away from town for a few days.” Usually to work on cultivating his ever expanding growhouse but she kept that part to herself.</p>
<p>“That’s not a bad idea,” Tommy said, turning to Maria. “I was planning on going as well but if you and Eugene are both—”</p>
<p>“I’ll go,” Joel cut in. “You stay here and watch over Ellie,” he turned to Amy, “and we can sort this whole thing out.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need a babysitter, Joel,” Ellie whined. Unaware of the double meaning of Joel’s final words. Amy took her first bite of the pie if only to have something else to focus on. It was good, if a little sweeter than she tended to like.</p>
<p>“Didn’t mean that, just wanna be sure you got someone looking out for ya if I’m gonna be gone for a few days,” Joel placated. “Someone to make sure you don’t burn the house down.”</p>
<p>“Well, I reckon that about settles it,” Tommy said with a grin. “Amy, you just need to get the okay from Eugene and then we can send y’all out at the end of the week.”</p>
<p>“In that case,” Amy said, rising from the table. “I’d better go do that.”</p>
<p>Amy left her half eaten slice of pie on the table and exited the house at last. Would it even make sense to bother trying to find Rosie at the Bison? God, if she’d waited two fucking hours for her…</p>
<p>How the hell had she let that happen? Let Joel suck her into his orbit again. Make her forget all about the fact that she already had someone who liked her and treated her well. Who just the night before had used her hands and mouth to bring her to orgasm multiple times before Amy had returned the favor. She didn’t fucking need Joel and all his bullshit. Didn’t need his possessiveness. Maybe he was better in Jackson but that didn’t mean he had any right to pick back up where they’d left off. Didn’t mean he could undo the damaged trust. Rosie would never force her to do something she didn’t want to do, would never intentionally make her uncomfortable for her own amusement.</p>
<p>And why the fuck was that exactly what she wanted? Why did Amy have to hate herself so much that she still wanted Joel to kiss her back in the kitchen? To bend her over the counter and take her, leave her begging him for more while she unraveled beneath him.</p>
<p>The worst part of it all was that he knew it too. Knew that if Tommy and Maria hadn’t shown up, she would have let him do anything he wanted to her. Because she always fucking did.</p>
<p>“Goddammit,” Amy cursed under her breath as she made it home.</p>
<p>She kicked off her shoes and made her way to the bathroom, throwing her clothes to the floor along the way. She’d talk to Eugene about the outpost in the morning, right now she needed to get cleaned up. She started the makeshift shower she’d made, an old fifty gallon drum that was filled with rain water, heated through some ingenious device Eugene had put together for her.</p>
<p>She scrubbed at her body and washed her hair, still replaying the events of the night in her head. Joel’s hand grasping her hip, the gentle circles he’d worried into her palm in the dining room. The feel of his chest under her hand and the look in his eyes when she knew he was thinking of kissing her.</p>
<p>Amy shut her eyes and pretended her hands were Joel’s as she ran them over her naked body, she squeezed her own hips roughly. Pawed at her breasts, pinching her nipple and pretending her fingers were Joel’s teeth. When her fingers found their way to her folds, she parted them, circling her finger around her clit in the practiced way Joel always had. Thinking of another shower back in Boston and the way Joel had touched her then.</p>
<p>She fucked herself thoroughly, climaxing hard enough that she had to lean against the wall for several minutes afterward to prevent herself from falling.</p>
<p>After, Amy changed into her pajamas and buried her head under a pillow. Hating herself more than ever. When sleep came, Amy dreamed of Joel’s head between her legs, of his strong arms around her, fucking her until she was seeing stars. And then she dreamed of his eyes, lifeless and broken. His body ripped apart by a stalker, jugular torn out while she watched. Unable to do anything at all but scream.</p>
<p>She jolted awake, her chest pounding and her skin drenched in sweat. She’d managed to kick her blankets to the floor, her pillow danced at the edge of the mattress. With shaking hands, she reached out to the shelf that hung above her bed, grabbed the glass of water she kept there for nights like these. She drank in small sips, squeezing the flesh of her arms in between panicked fingers. Willing herself to steady her breathing and remember that it was only a dream.</p>
<p>“You’re okay,” she muttered, hugging herself once the water was gone. “You’re okay.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>November 2023, Massachusetts</p>
<p>If they really tried, it seemed entirely possible that they could make it to the QZ by the end of the day. They were following the road, watching the dwindling number of miles to Boston on every road sign. Joel was moving slow, much like he has been since they rekindled the tiny fire that had grown between them over the last few months. Amy knew he didn't want to rush it, she isn’t sure if he wants to get to Boston at all at this point but neither of them has been brave enough to voice it, not since she had done it last.</p>
<p>Each night since she’d mistakenly thought she’d been bit, they had stopped pretending that the sun would set without the two of them grasping and clawing at one another in the sinking light. They hadn’t needed to search for supplies for weeks now but Joel still made the same old excuses once in while, made them check a building along the way as an excuse to lift her onto an old table or a rusted out washing machine. An excuse to waste time in each others arms. An excuse to make their days feel more like their nights because they knew both were coming to an end.</p>
<p>Today, still along the road, she noticed Joel stall near an old beat up pickup truck. He opened the passenger door, tilting his head in to check it out. When he pulled her in, wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed her she didn’t complain. Didn’t attempt to mention that the sign they’d just passed said they were only 16 miles out. Instead she kissed him back, holding him tightly, curling her fingers in his hair and tugging his head back so she could leave fresh marks on his neck.</p>
<p>Joel grunted against her mouth, the rumble traveling up his throat and vibrating against her tongue. “We run into anyone and they’ll think I’ve been bit if you ain’t careful.”</p>
<p>She dug her teeth in then and he hissed. “Guess we’ll have to give it time to heal,” she breathed against the bite mark. It wasn’t deep, she hadn’t drawn blood but they certainly couldn’t walk through the gates of the QZ until the skin filled back in.</p>
<p>“Guess that means you oughta take those pants of yours off,” he said in response and she crawled into the drivers seat to make movement easier. Once she was naked from the waist down, her backpack discarded on the floor, she looked back over to see Joel had undressed as well, he held his hard length in his hand, stroking himself lazily while he watched her.</p>
<p>Amy used the steering wheel for leverage as she climbed back onto his lap, not seating herself fully just yet.</p>
<p>Joel put one hand against her waist, resting it lightly there as a promise he’d keep her steady. His other hand lifted her shirt above one of her breasts, he nudged her bra down enough to press his mouth to her. He lapped at her nipple and then sucked it into his mouth, biting a bit harder than normal. A little payback for her bite, she certainly didn’t mind it. And she had her own ways of punishing him.</p>
<p>Amy lined him up with her center and plunged down onto him roughly, forcing his head to fly backward and away from her chest. She lifted herself then, circling her hips as she rode him. The way he stretched her still felt revolutionary. Like she might burst at the seams and that was perfectly fine with her.</p>
<p>Joel had his head rested back on the seat, he watched her move with some kind of prideful lust. She picked up the pace, wanting to draw more sounds out of him, he was being too quiet.</p>
<p>“Easy,” he said, “We can take our time, Boston ain’t going anywhere.”</p>
<p>Amy didn’t respond with words, preferring to grind her clit against his pelvic bone instead. She hissed at the feel and Joel took notice, pulling her down against him again and again as he began to thrust upward. He hit a particularly sensitive spot then and she tossed her head back, hitting it on the roof of the truck with a loud thud.</p>
<p>A raw laugh burst out of her then and Joel cradled her head in his hands, his looked so genuinely serious in the moment that she only laughed harder.</p>
<p>“You alright?” he asked and she leaned down to kiss him, raising herself again to pick up their previous rhythm. Joel circled his arms around her and gripped her ass with both hands. He used his leverage from it to shove her down onto him, hitting deeper now than he had before. She broke the kiss to emit a grunt of pleasured pain. “You like that, baby?” he asked, his voice dripping with sex. It did things to her, that voice of his.</p>
<p>When she didn’t answer, Joel gave her a gentle smack on the rear and she bit her bottom lip to stifle the moan she knew he wanted to hear. “You’re gonna answer me or I ain’t doing it again.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you,” she said between breaths, her cheeks hurt from smiling.</p>
<p>“Pretty sure I’m doing just that,” he said, swiveling his hips against her. He had her held down, unwilling to let her continue riding him. He was deep within her, the base of him pressed to her core. Suddenly, Joel rocked her forward, leaning her against the dashboard and finding purchase with a foot against the seat. He thrust into her slowly in their new position and Amy keened desperately, her raw panting filling the space between them.</p>
<p>“Jo—el—I,” she gasped, liking the pain of her back pressed into the hardness of the truck. It’d leave bruises that might last longer than the possible number of hours she had left with the man who had caused them. She grappled at his chest then, sliding her hands under his shirt and letting her nails dig in.</p>
<p><em>Fucking remember me</em>, she thought.</p>
<p>Joel bucked harder, punished her with his thrusts as she raked her nails over his flesh. She knew he was about to come when he pulled her back to him, devouring her like a starving man. He pulled out, spilling himself on his stomach where she still had his shirt raised. Where she still clutched at him like she might never let go.</p>
<p>“Why don’t we try and find a place to settle in for the night,” Joel said, still panting as he held her face in his hand. Amy kissed him, settling onto his lap a little easier now that they were done.</p>
<p>“We’re close to a town,” she said, pulling back but still hanging onto him.</p>
<p>Joel leaned forward, pressing his lips to her neck, “I saw that.”</p>
<p>Amy shivered as he kissed a path downward, she leaned away to give him the space to make his way back to her exposed breast. He pressed his mouth to it again before pulling her bra back over it to cover her, tugging her shirt down after with gentle hands.</p>
<p>When they had both caught their breath and clumsily pulled their jeans back on, they exited the truck. Amy stared down the highway while Joel shouldered his backpack. There was something kind of nice about being on the road constantly, something about feeling like the whole world was just for them. If they found a house, they were more than welcome to just find a way inside. Sure, there were times when they ran into infected or, even rarer, other people, but for the most part, the world felt empty. She wasn’t looking forward to being back in a QZ, wasn’t looking forward to the smells of a city. Or the people.</p>
<p>In the last few days she had started to dread it actually. Even knowing she wasn’t staying. Something about the nearness of it had her anxious, like once she found her way back within the walls of a zone, she wouldn’t be able to find her way out again. Not without Joel.</p>
<p>What if that’s just how she felt about other people now? What if Joel was the only person she could stand to be around? What if she found what she was looking for somewhere out west and she fucking hated it?</p>
<p>“Here,” Joel said then, pulling her from her thoughts. He was pointing towards an exit ramp that led to the town. “Lincoln,” he read from one of the signs, mumbling something to himself before pressing forward.</p>
<p>Amy stretched a bit, readying her body for more walking.</p>
<p>The sun was still high in the sky when they approached a fenced in area, the sounds of infected could be heard from somewhere nearby but neither she nor Joel paid that any mind. They didn’t need to clear the block and if anyone was still alive in the town, they weren’t their problem.</p>
<p>Amy cringed slightly at her own thoughts, he really was rubbing off on her wasn’t he?</p>
<p>Joel motioned for her when he made it to the fence, there was a section that had been torn from the poles and he lifted it for her to crawl through. They moved quietly, not wanting to draw the attention of the infected. Once they were safely on the other side of the fence, Amy let out a relieved sigh. They were in what appeared to be a downtown area, old businesses lined both sides of the main road. Some were boarded up, others had their windows shattered. She walked towards what appeared to be an old diner, a broken neon sign dangled precariously from its spot near the top of the building.</p>
<p>“I’d kill for a burger,” Amy said then, trying the door. Of course it was locked.</p>
<p>“Don’t think there’s any chance you’d find one in there,” Joel said with a laugh. “Not one you’d wanna eat, anyways.”</p>
<p>“Do you remember fries? All greasy and drenched in ketchup,” she went on, not wanting to think about how long it’d been since she’d had proper junk food. “God, what about ice cream sundaes?”</p>
<p>“I take it you’re hungry?”</p>
<p>Amy turned to him with a sly grin, “Well, I did very recently burn off a good amount of calories.”</p>
<p>Joel sauntered over to her, his smile matching hers. “We find a spot, I’ll help you burn a few more.”</p>
<p>“Already?” she asked, tilting her head back as his face hovered closer.</p>
<p>“I was being greedy, didn’t get the chance to finish you off.” He let his eyes linger on her lips for another moment before he pulled back away. He walked further away from the diner, moving to the other side of the street. “Come on, let’s see what’s down this alley, there might be a way inside.”</p>
<p>There was another chain-link fence separating the fronts of the buildings with the back alley, luckily they found a gate that was already slightly ajar. Joel pushed it open and held it for her to pass through.</p>
<p>“What a gentleman,” Amy said sarcastically, hiding her smile by walking ahead. Joel made sure to latch the gate closed behind them. The ground sloped slightly and Amy glanced at her surroundings. All of the doors she could see were barricaded on the outside, never a great sign. A massive semitruck had been wedged at the far end, blocking them in. It seemed like the only way forward was through one of the buildings and out onto the other side. One of the buildings had an open window but it was too high up to reach. When Joel caught up with her, she nodded her head up towards it. “Boost me.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he said, his eyes scanning the area.</p>
<p>Amy rolled her eyes, pushing him closer to the wall and glaring at him until he gave in. He held his hands out, giving her a foothold and lifted her up. Amy got a good grip on the window sill, heaved herself up and over, falling onto the dusty ground with an audible humph.</p>
<p>“Anything?” Joel called out from down below. Amy glanced around the room she was in, some old office, stripped nearly bare. She returned to the window and shook her head. “Then find a way back down here.”</p>
<p>Amy found a set of stairs behind the only door in the room, she took them down. It was hard to tell what the business had been, the downstairs area was stripped of most furniture just like the upstairs office had been. There were a few flyers that littered the ground beneath her feet however, advertising far off places and cruises. Must have been some kind of travel agency.</p>
<p>She found the exit and grunted, struggling as she slammed into it, the hinges screeched angrily when she got it to budge enough to squeeze through. It had opened up on another part of the area, not back to where Joel was. There were barriers blocking off this section of the town, a large sign stood in the middle of the street, directing residents to make their way to the Quarantine Zone. From what she could tell, most people had. She heard a worried shout back from down the alley.</p>
<p>“I’m okay,” she said, trying to get closer to Joel’s voice. She found the other side of the semi that blocked the alley. “Just can’t figure out how to get you through.”</p>
<p>“Well, try harder,” Joel said, annoyance thick in his tone.</p>
<p>There was a truck that seemed to have plowed into the semi, its front end smashed and bent against the side of the larger vehicle. Amy hopped onto it, pulling herself to climb on top of the larger vehicle. She grinned down at Joel before he spotted her, enjoying the sight of him when he thought he wasn’t being observed. He was fidgeting, clearly not comfortable with the fact that they'd been separated for so long. Not that it had been more than a few minutes. Not that he wasn’t about to be separated from her for good.</p>
<p>She sighed and he jumped a bit, realizing at last that she was there. Amy laughed at him.</p>
<p>“You think it’s funny sneaking up on a man with a gun?”</p>
<p>“Little bit,” she said, leaning down to give him a hand up. Joel gripped her hand and she tugged him up just enough for him to get a grip on the ledge.</p>
<p>Once they were both back down on the ground, Joel took in the street, listening for signs of infected or worse. He spent a moment quietly contemplating and then sighed. “This way,” he said, pointing to another gap between buildings across the way.</p>
<p>“Aye aye,” she said, skipping ahead to beat him there.</p>
<p>“You know I hate that shit,” he grumbled behind her, staying back a few feet.</p>
<p>Amy rounded the corner of one of the brick buildings and froze. On a short stairwell there was a man resting with a shotgun pointed directly at her. She raised her hands in the air, the sound of Joel pulling out his pistol around the other side of the building followed shortly after.</p>
<p>“We’re just passing through,” Amy said, careful not to piss the man off.</p>
<p>“Bullshit,” the man grunted and shifted his weight. Amy noticed the way he winced at the movement but kept quiet. Joel rounded the corner then, gun aimed in the direction of the man.</p>
<p>“You’re gonna point that goddamn thing elsewhere,” Joel said through clenched teeth. The other man’s eyes darted towards Joel, taking him in though he kept his gun pointed at Amy.</p>
<p>“Please,” she said, arms still held up. “We’re just trying to get to Boston, we don’t mean any harm.”</p>
<p>“Amelia,” Joel gritted, not taking his eyes off of the man.</p>
<p>“Are you hurt?” Amy said, eyes darting to the leg he seemed to be struggling to put weight on. “We can help, we have supplies—”</p>
<p>“Tell him to lower his weapon,” the man said then.</p>
<p>“Joel,” Amy said, turning her head to him.</p>
<p>He didn’t move, only took a step closer in an effort to shield Amy. The man adjusted his grip on his shotgun.</p>
<p>“I SAID PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN,” Joel shouted, aggressively pointing his pistol at the man.</p>
<p>“JOEL,” Amy yelled back, reaching to grab his arm.</p>
<p>Something moved down the alley, the sound of a bottle rolling against the pavement.</p>
<p>“Shit,” the man said, aiming his gun at something behind them. He pulled the trigger and both Amy and Joel ducked, turning to look at what the man had been shooting at. What remained of the clicker was splattered against the brick of an adjacent building.</p>
<p>Joel pulled Amy to her feet, gun pointed in the direction of what sounded like half a dozen other infected who were now making their way towards the sound of gunfire, funneling in through the narrow alley. He fired off a few shots Amy looked back to the man who met her eyes.</p>
<p>“Come on,” he said, turning on his heel painfully and rushing up the stairs to a door that still sat open.</p>
<p>Amy tugged on Joel, pulled him to the stairs and pushed him through the opening. The stranger shut the door once they were all inside, reinforcing it with a steel bar. The sounds of the infected grew closer as they made their way up the steps, as they pounded against the door.</p>
<p>“Through here,” the man said then, leading them deeper into the building with a grunt.</p>
<p>Joel made sure he was in between Amy and the man as they followed him, his pistol still gripped tight in his hand. The man led them back out onto the streets, he pulled out a set of keys and locked the building they had just left before turning to glare at Joel.</p>
<p>“Fucking idiot,” he said to him, getting in Joel’s face. “The hell you think was gonna happen when you show up and start screaming at the top of your goddamn lungs. I should've left you both back there.”</p>
<p>Amy shoved herself between the two men before Joel could react and do something stupid. She pushed him behind her.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Amy said, trying to dissolve the tension. The man looked away from Joel then, anger still clear on his face. “I’m Amelia,” she held out her hand, he didn’t take it. “You all alone out here?”</p>
<p>“What’s it to you?”</p>
<p>She felt Joel tense again, and put a hand out to keep him back. “So, how’s the leg then? I’m guessing that’s why you didn’t just blow my head off, yeah?”</p>
<p>“You get bit?” Joel growled.</p>
<p>“Fuck no, I ain’t bit. Was working on some traps for those fuckers,” he pointed back from where they had just come, “and damn near took my leg off with a rig I was making.”</p>
<p>“Broken?” Amy asked, still the only level head.</p>
<p>“You a doctor?” he asked, sarcasm dripping from his mouth.</p>
<p>“I have some basic training, I can check it for you.”</p>
<p>The fact that Joel was, for the most part, letting her steer things was shocking. She could tell the man was having trouble trusting them so she removed her bag, setting it down she moved closer to where he now sat on the hood of an old car. She raised her hands again, doing her best to not seem like a threat.</p>
<p>The man sighed, “You said you’re headed for Boston?”</p>
<p>Amy nodded and the man rolled his eyes.</p>
<p>“I got a contact there I’m supposed to be meeting in a few days,” he said, “I can deal with my leg on my own but I can’t travel to meet with them. Can’t miss it either.” He glanced back at Joel, no doubt calculating how much actual power Amy had over him. She wished she knew. “You swear to meet with them, deliver the goods I got…I’ll tell you the safest path both out of my town and into the zone.”</p>
<p>“You’re helping smuggle shit into the city?” Joel asked then.</p>
<p>“You guys should be good friends then,” Amy said, finally looking away from the man and back to Joel. His brows were furrowed, deep lines forming in between them.</p>
<p>“You a smuggler?” the man asked Joel who only nodded. “I need your word,” the man said after a calculated pause, turning back to Amy. “You get the goods to my contact or else you’re going into Boston with a fresh set of enemies.”</p>
<p>“No problem,” Amy said but the man didn’t budge. “I swear we will take your stuff to your contact, no bullshit.”</p>
<p>“Good,” he said, standing again and hobbling to a building a little ways down the street. Amy grabbed her backpack and followed, Joel on her tail. “Amelia and Joel,” the man said then, reaching into his pocket for his keys. He found the correct one and opened the door. “You screw me over, I’ll be sure to remember those names.”</p>
<p>“And what’s yours,” Amy said, not moving to step inside. The man glared at her from the doorway. “So we know what to tell your contact.”</p>
<p>The man’s harsh eyes traveled over her, sizing her up for what felt like the hundredth time. “Bill.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>It seemed that several months dealing with Joel’s moods had more than prepared her for Bill’s general demeanor. The building he’d brought them to was secure but it was clearly not his home. She had a feeling he was unwilling to trust them enough to bring them there and to whatever other people who might be there waiting on him. He drew them a map of the town, more scratches and scribbles than a work of art but it would get the job done. Help them navigate around places known to have infected present and he’d also helpfully labeled the areas where he’d set up traps.</p>
<p>The goods he was entrusting them to deliver were mostly medicine, pills, antibiotics, and bandages. His contact would be coming out of the QZ in two days time, though Bill seemed eager to have them out of his town as fast as possible. They could make it to the safe house by the end of the day if they really wanted to. Wait it out there but Joel was still adamant that they settle in for the day. So they packed up Bill’s goods and got on the road, using the map to make it far enough away from Bill’s cleared parts of Lincoln that they wouldn’t risk his ire.</p>
<p>They found a row of houses on the edge of town and hunkered down. Joel hadn’t said much while in Bill’s company, choosing instead to study him. Probably just waiting for the other man to make a wrong move so he could take him out like normal. She was glad that things had worked out, that they now likely had a contact in the QZ who could help them find her friends. Maybe. Worst case scenario, they could threaten to hold onto the goods if Bill’s person refused to help. Amy wasn’t sure she was actually capable of that but it was a thought. Something she might bring up with Joel if he weren’t being so damn quiet.</p>
<p>Maybe he was silent because they now had a time frame for when they actually had to be in Boston. No more lingering behind, making excuses for late mornings or early nights. Two days.</p>
<p>Joel was sitting on a coffee table, rummaging through his bag for food to start heating up on the fire he’d made. She watched him, suddenly realizing how much it was going to hurt to leave him behind. Realizing how much she truly didn’t want to and it wasn’t about her safety or how well they worked together. There was a weight in the pit of her stomach, one so heavy it threatened to pull her all the way down.</p>
<p>“It’s really starting to get cold out there, huh?” Joel asked suddenly, not looking at her. He rubbed his hands over the fire, warming his fingers before he attempted to open the container that held their dinner. “Probably get snow soon,” he went on when she stayed silent. Too afraid her voice would betray her if she tried to speak. “Was thinking,” Joel poured the contents of the container into a pot they’d found in the kitchen. “Maybe we get to Boston, you stay through winter. Can’t imagine it mattering much, a few extra months. I know you ain’t a fan of the cold.”</p>
<p>He stirred the pot, still acting casual, like he hadn’t just fully admitted that he wanted to keep her around for just a while longer. She knew the longer she stayed, the less likely it would be that she’d ever have the nerve to pack up and go. It’d already taken her years to set her plan in motion. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said carefully.</p>
<p>“Up to you.” His voice was small.</p>
<p>Amy got up from the chair she was seated in and stepped towards the hall a little shakily, forcing Joel to finally look up at her. She needed to be alone before she said or did something stupid. If he really wanted to, if he actually spoke openly and honestly for once in his goddamn life, Joel might be able to convince her to stay and abandon her plans. And that couldn’t happen.</p>
<p>Not that she believed he was capable of being honest but whatever he was thinking right now, wherever his head was, she had never been closer to fearing he might actually try.</p>
<p>She found a bedroom, peeled back a ratty old curtain and peeked out to the overgrown street.</p>
<p>After several minutes, Joel came to find her.</p>
<p>“Food's done,” he said, still being cautious with her. She kept her back to him, preferring to watch the sun as it sank in the sky. The sound of Joel’s boots on the floorboards grew closer, he put a soft hand on the small of her back. “Why don’t you come back out and eat.”</p>
<p>“I’m not hungry,” she said but the words sounded brittle. The lie of them stung on her tongue.</p>
<p>“Come keep me company then,” he entreated.</p>
<p>Amy turned to look at him, saw the sadness in his eyes that she had to imagine matched her own. She sighed and followed him back out to where the fire still burned. It <em>was</em> getting cold. It wasn’t wrong of him to suggest she not leave right as winter was about to start. Joel scooped out some of the sloppy mess from the pot, she still wasn’t exactly sure what it was. Not exactly a soup, it was too thick. He handed her a plate and she frowned at it.</p>
<p>“In case you change your mind,” he said simply, scooting over to sit beside her when he filled his own plate.</p>
<p>She wanted to ask him to come with her again, even if he got angry. Blew up and hurt her again. At least if he did, she might not find it as difficult to leave.</p>
<p>Amy decided to take an exploratory bite of the food, if only to warm herself up a little and stop thinking about things that would never happen. It was some kind of chewy mystery meat, drenched in a thick gravy. Didn’t taste terrible but it wasn’t exactly good either. How the hell would she manage to find food in the winter, especially if there were as many mouths to feed as she was hoping for?</p>
<p>What if they all said no? What if they were dead? What if, what if, what if?</p>
<p>“You’re shaking,” Joel said, bringing her back from the edge of a spiral. He tugged her closer, wrapped an arm around her and she leaned into him. Warmed herself with his heat which always seemed never-ending. How could she go back out into the cold without it?</p>
<p>“What’ll you do if my friends aren’t there,” she said, her voice just above a whisper.</p>
<p>“I’ll figure something out.” She shut her eyes and listened to the scraping sound his spoon made against the plate. “What’ll you do?”</p>
<p>Amy took a shallow breath inward. “I don’t know.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: cheating?</p>
<p>This is a long one so I'm probably gonna wait a day or two before posting the next chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>September 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>The next morning, Amy wasted little time in getting out of the house. She’d woken before sunrise and spoken to Eugene about the hoard. He’d agreed to go, like she knew he would, and then Amy headed for the greenhouses, searching for Rosie but not finding her there. Failing that, she went straight for her home. It was nearest to the East gate, it had been her home even before the outbreak and that fact alone was nearly impossible for Amy to fathom.</p>
<p>Unlike most everyone, Rosie had never had to abandon precious artifacts of pre-outbreak life. She hadn’t had to decide what objects to pack into a bag, or worse, had to leave it all behind in a panic like Amy had. Rosie had framed photos of her parents, pictures of herself as a child. Sure, things were more worn than they would have been before but Jackson had always been home for Rosie and she could still hold all the comforts of the word. In comparison, Amy had the stone she’d picked up outside of Atlanta all those years ago and the knife she had taken from a dead man.</p>
<p>A small twinge in her stomach hit her then when her mind drifted to Joel. She supposed he was also something that connected her to the past. To everything that came before even if he was the beginning of the end of it.</p>
<p>Amy stepped onto Rosie’s porch and knocked twice, trying to come up with an explanation for the night before that made her seem like less of an asshole. When Rosie opened the door and smiled, she decided to tell the truth.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Amy began, wringing her hands. “I got distracted and by the time I realized the time, it was way too late.”</p>
<p>Rosie nodded her head, stepping out to join her on the porch and shutting the door.</p>
<p>“You didn’t wait too long right?” Amy asked earnestly.</p>
<p>“Had a beer with Eugene,” Rosie said, “left after I finished it.” Rosie moved for a swing at the far end of the porch and sat down, patting the spot beside her. Amy joined her. “So, what was so distracting?”</p>
<p>Amy sighed and looked away from the other woman. “I walked Ellie home, decided to check on Joel to see if he was okay.”</p>
<p>“And?”</p>
<p>“Turned out he wasn’t sick, just having a bit of a day. Uh,” she paused, biting her lip and looking back towards Rosie who had turned to rest her back against the armrest, her knees lifted to her chest. “Well, it was his birthday and he was in a bit of a mood so I decided to try to cheer him up. Made him dinner.”</p>
<p>“That’s thoughtful,” Rosie said carefully.</p>
<p>“Do you hate me?”</p>
<p>Rosie hummed a little and then readjusted her legs, splaying them to the side and leaning forward. “About forty percent hatred, I think.”</p>
<p>“I deserve that,” Amy said, frowning.</p>
<p>“You wanna make it up to me?” Rosie asked then, a coy smile on her lips.</p>
<p>Amy tugged her lower lip into her mouth. She stood up and reached a hand down to Rosie.</p>
<p>“I can make you breakfast?” Amy said, as she guided the other woman to her feet.</p>
<p>“Pancakes. And sausage.”</p>
<p>“Deal,” Amy said with a relieved giggle.</p>
<p>After they finished their meal, she and Rosie sat on the sofa with music playing softly from the record player that sat near the window. Amy was looking around the room, eyeing it with an odd sort of nostalgia that didn’t belong to her. It was cozy, unlike her own home. Rosie had carpets and curtains of rich shades of burgundy. A fireplace that housed half a dozen pillar candles of varying heights. It wasn’t quite cold enough for a real fire so this was apparently Rosie’s compromise.</p>
<p>She was still looking around, her eyes now hard on an old family photo that sat above the fireplace. When she felt Rosie’s hand move to tuck a strand of hair behind Amy’s ear she turned to face her.</p>
<p>“Where are you?” Rosie asked, a bit of concern in her eyes.</p>
<p>Amy shook her head. “I’ll just never get over this place.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” Rosie asked, a bemused smile brightening her features.</p>
<p>Amy gestured to the room. “Your home, like your actual proper home. Completely untouched by all the bullshit from the last twenty years. It’s amazing.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t say it’s completely untouched,” Rosie replied, “I mean, Jackson didn’t always have walls and watchtowers. This place saw it’s fair share of horrors.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t mean it like that,” Amy began, “Just that it was always yours. That you never had to leave it, never went to a QZ or on the road. You got to keep everything.”</p>
<p>Rosie frowned at her then. “Every <em>thing</em>. Not everything.”</p>
<p>She sighed and stood up, moving away from Amy and towards the fireplace and the picture Amy had been staring at. When Rosie turned back to face her, her expression wasn’t angry but there was a level of sadness to it that Amy wasn’t accustomed to from her.</p>
<p>“You know both my parents were killed by bandits in the early days. They wanted to take this place for their own. We had to fight to keep it,” Rosie’s voice was firm but sad. “More than once. I had to fight. If it hadn’t been for Maria’s father, I wouldn’t have survived.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t mean—”</p>
<p>“No,” Rosie said, stopping her. “You seem to have this idea of me, this version that doesn’t understand what’s outside of Jackson. Like I somehow managed to live the past twenty years in some kind of dream land. But that isn’t how it was, not ever.” Amy stood then, unsure of what she was feeling. “Listen, I know you went through a lot, I know you don’t like to talk about it so I don’t ask but…you need to recognize that you aren’t the only one between us with a dark history. You wanna open up to me and compare scars, then fine but just because I choose to be positive, just because I’d rather grow plants than go out there and kill infected doesn’t mean I don’t know what it’s like.”</p>
<p>“You’re right,” Amy said softly, eyes suddenly drawn down to the carpet. “Look, I had a rough night. Bad fucking dreams. I just wanted to…I don’t know,” she trailed off. “I guess I just like seeing you as something to aspire to. A full fledged healthy human being,” she said with a sad laugh. “And I think it’s really great that you have all these things to remember what things used to be like. That’s all I meant. I’m sorry, Rosie.”</p>
<p>She was looking back at her again, saw Rosie’s brows pull tight. Rosie bit her lip and nodded gently.</p>
<p>“I get it,” she said. “Seems like more than what most people have but it also took a long time for me to be able to sleep through the night for all the memories this place holds. Felt haunted for the longest time.”</p>
<p>Amy stepped closer, a hand reaching forward to rest softly on Rosie’s waist. “I’m still working through the sleeping thing but I think <em>I</em> might be the thing that’s haunted.”</p>
<p>“Tough luck,” Rosie said, cocking her head to the side. She let Amy pull her closer, her own hands moving to Amy’s neck. “Maybe I can help?”</p>
<p>Amy smiled, her eyes brightening. “I think you can.”</p>
<p>Rosie’s right hand went to frame Amy’s cheek, she stared into her eyes for just a moment before bringing their lips together. She could taste the syrup from their pancakes on Rosie’s tongue and she sighed into her, pulling her back towards the couch and doing her best not to break away as Amy fell backward onto it. Rosie climbed into her lap and pulled back, her arms draped over Amy’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Did that count as our first fight?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Better be the last,” Amy said, craning her neck higher to kiss at the skin near the collar of Rosie’s sweater.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The end of the week came and it was the morning Amy, Eugene, and Joel were set to leave for the outpost. Rosie hadn’t been particularly enthused about the idea of her being gone fighting infected for several days and had made her promise to be safe. Like that had ever been a problem.</p>
<p>Truth be told, Amy was excited for the action. It always seemed that the more she patrolled, the less her nightmares plagued her. Maybe it was just a matter of being far too exhausted to dream. Either way, she didn’t care how it worked as long as it did. She’d had another night full of horrific flashes of blood and gore and all manner of unpleasantness. For that reason, Amy had been up since five, busying herself by making sure all her supplies were packed.</p>
<p>Maria had secured and gassed up one of the trucks they kept around Jackson. An old SUV that was used for trips a little too far for the horses. Amy made sure to pack some music for the ride before she made herself some toast for breakfast. Not a particularly filling meal but she felt slightly queasy from her rough night and dry toast seemed like the only thing she could keep down.</p>
<p>She was washing her plate when a knock came from the outside door. Rosie was supposed to come walk her to the gate to see her off, Amy dried her hands off on a towel and went to answer it.</p>
<p>“You’re ear—” she halted once Joel’s form was fully in view.</p>
<p>“Mornin’,” he said, stepping towards her.</p>
<p>Amy blinked and backed out of the way, suddenly feeling exposed. She was still only in a tank top, hadn’t taken the time to throw on a proper shirt. She’d thought he’d meet her and Eugene at the gate later, how the hell did he even know where she lived?</p>
<p>Joel shut the door and turned to her. “Maria told me to come get the two of you,” he said then, pressing his back to the door casually.</p>
<p>Amy went to the dresser she had beside her bed and pulled out a flannel to throw over her tank top. Joel watched her dress and she felt her cheeks warm when his eyes lingered a bit too long on her chest. She cleared her throat and Joel’s eyes shot back to hers.</p>
<p>“So this is where you lay your head at night?” he asked then, not even pretending to look ashamed for staring. “It’s smaller than I imagined. Ellie’s got more space than you do.”</p>
<p>“Good for her, I don’t need it.” She moved to lift her backpack up from where she’d left it on the floor. “We heading out earlier than planned?”</p>
<p>“Nah, just making sure you didn’t need any help with preparations.”</p>
<p>“I’m good, you should go check with Eugene.”</p>
<p>Joel smiled and then straightened up. It only took him two steps before he was in front of her. Maybe she did need a bigger space…</p>
<p>He tucked his thumbs into his belt loops and stared down at her, still smiling. “You’ve been scarce since the other night,” he said down to her. He still towered over her but with the look in his eyes now it wasn’t intimidating so much as it was annoying.</p>
<p>“We’re about to spend several days together,” she answered, dismissively turning to grab her boots. “Didn’t feel the need to overdo it.”</p>
<p>“One night at my place and you’re already sick of me?”</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said, scoffing lightly. She hunched down on the floor and began tying her boots. “I’ve been otherwise occupied,” she said, putting emphasis on the final two words.</p>
<p>Joel clicked his tongue, glancing around the room again. He stepped towards her bed, taking in the rumpled, unmade mess of it. It was a narrow mattress, almost too small for her if she was being honest. And it was a little too old and beaten up to be comfortable. She often woke up with pain in her neck or back. When she’d first come to Jackson that hadn’t mattered much, she was used to sleeping in uncomfortable places. Lately though, after spending a good enough amount of time in Rosie’s bed, even though she never stayed the night, she was starting to wonder if she couldn’t find something a bit softer.</p>
<p>Joel reached for the shelf that sat above her bed, he lifted up the small rock that she stored there, letting out a soft chuckle. “This ain’t the one from Atlanta, is it?”</p>
<p>Amy stepped over to stand beside him, looking up to study his face. “You remember that?”</p>
<p>“It was the strangest goddamn thing I think I ever saw anyone do,” he said, rolling the rock over in his hands before placing it back on the shelf.</p>
<p>“It was not,” she said, shoving him. “You just don’t get sentimentality.”</p>
<p>Joel lifted a brow at her, facing her head on now. “I kept that coat you found for me way back when,” he said then, “and I still have some of that coffee you gave me for when I finally get you to stay the night again.”</p>
<p>“Christ,” she said, shaking her head. “Stop it.”</p>
<p>“Why?” he asked playfully, pulling her towards him gently with a hand on hers.</p>
<p>“You know why,” she said firmly, putting space between them again.</p>
<p>“I ain’t even allowed to flirt now?”</p>
<p>“No. You aren’t allowed to flirt.”</p>
<p>Joel narrowed his eyes at her and then exhaled sharply through his nose. “Not even a little bit?”</p>
<p>Amy attempted to glare at him but there was no heat to it.</p>
<p>“I happen to think I’m being very respectful, considering…” he said, his voice lowering to a whisper.</p>
<p>“Considering what?” she asked, somewhat shakily. If it was possible for someone to look both soft and intense at the same time, that was how she was reading Joel’s demeanor now.</p>
<p>“For one thing, you ain’t exactly flaunting this guy of yours around town. Must be hiding him for some reason.” He stepped nearer again, not touching her this time but she could feel his heat. Smell his scent in the air around him. His lips parted slightly as he looked down to her mouth. “There’s also the fact that you wanted me to kiss you back in my kitchen. And that you want me to kiss you right now.”</p>
<p>Amy sighed softly, a soft gasp that told Joel he was right without her having to say anything. His eyes were on hers again, not dark this time but filled with something else. He leaned towards her then and she held her breath, shutting her eyes. He didn’t kiss her, choosing instead to whisper in her ear.</p>
<p>“Do you think about me when he’s fucking you?” he asked and her heart sank. Half of her wanted to tell him about Rosie just to embarrass him, half of her wanted to admit that sometimes she did. As much as she didn’t want to think of him, as much as she wanted to be present for Rosie…</p>
<p>A knock came at the door and Joel pulled away. Amy stood on the spot long enough for whoever was knocking to call out.</p>
<p>“Amy?” Rosie’s voice. Fuck.</p>
<p>“Coming,” she called back, moving a bit slower than normal to get to the door.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Rosie beamed at her, Amy backed away before the other woman could reach for her. Before she could pull her in for a kiss right in front of Joel.</p>
<p>Rosie seemed slightly taken aback but followed her inside all the same. When she spied Joel’s hulking form leaned lazily against Amy's dresser she smiled.</p>
<p>“Oh, hello,” she said, reaching a hand forward. “I’m Rosie. You’re Tommy’s brother, right?”</p>
<p>“Joel,” he confirmed, gripping her hand and shaking it.</p>
<p>Amy was standing with the backs of her legs pressed against her bed. Her skin felt like it was on fire. She definitely did need a larger space. Crammed full with the three of them was enough for her to start to feel claustrophobic.</p>
<p>“You uh, here to see her off?” Joel asked awkwardly. Maybe it wasn’t awkward and it was just that Amy was the only one in the room who knew what she knew.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Rosie breathed out. “You’re going with, I take it?”</p>
<p>“Yep, figured Amelia and I work well together, should make things easier.”</p>
<p>Amy turned to him then, noting the fact that he’d chosen to use her full name.</p>
<p>“Well, you’ll keep her safe for me, bring her back in one piece and all that?”</p>
<p>“Reckon I can do that,” Joel said carefully, he kept his eyes on Rosie and Amy inwardly begged for the earth to open up and swallow her whole. “You two seem like good friends,” he continued, “seen you around Jackson a few times.”</p>
<p>“I’m, uh,” Amy stuttered not wanting the conversation to continue. She began moving to the door that led to Eugene’s side of the house. “I’m gonna go see if Eugene is ready yet.”</p>
<p>Amy opened the door without her usual courtesy knock and ran her hands over her face once she was properly out of sight. Eugene was in the kitchen, pulling several joints from a jar he kept there and tucking them safely into his backpack.</p>
<p>“Hey,” she said to his back. He jumped slightly.</p>
<p>“Gonna give me a heart attack one of these days, I swear,” he grumbled. “We heading out?”</p>
<p>“Whenever you’re ready,” she said, bouncing slightly on her toes.</p>
<p>“You good?”</p>
<p>“Rosie’s here,” she said, “so is Joel.”</p>
<p>Eugene rasped a laugh and shook his head.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna head to the gate with Rosie, if that’s okay with you?”</p>
<p>“No problem. You send that boy in here, I’ll take care of him.”</p>
<p>“Be nice,” she said, exiting the kitchen and making her way back to her side of the house.</p>
<p>When she came back in, Joel and Rosie were on opposite sides of the room, standing in silence.</p>
<p>“Eugene needs some help,” Amy said to Joel, he straightened. “I’m gonna take my gear to the gate, if that’s okay.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Joel answered, nodding and moving for the door to Eugene’s.</p>
<p>“Walk me?” Amy said to Rosie who smiled softly at her in response. “Great.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The roads that led to the outpost had long been cleared, giving them a good path to drive through. They found a large group of infected along the way, luckily down a rocky expanse and well out of biting distance. They took turns taking them down from the ridge, shooting with Eugene’s scoped rifle. This had to be the tail end of the hoard, they’d likely run into more later but their objective was to make it to the outpost before the infected did so once they were done with the group below the ridge, they climbed back into the car and continued on down the road.</p>
<p>It was sometime in the afternoon when they pulled up to the gates. They were less fortified than Jackson’s, mostly chain-link fence and the occasional rusted out school bus as the walls. There were only six families that lived there, some ex-Jacksonites, others who had stumbled upon it by accident. The people who lived there came to Jackson occasionally for supplies or just for short visits, a change of pace. But every single one of them preferred a smaller community.</p>
<p>Amy had nearly joined them when she first found out about the place, the size and amount of people in Jackson had been overwhelming to her at first. She certainly didn’t blame those who chose the outpost instead, even if it meant they were more susceptible to bandits and infected.</p>
<p>They left the SUV outside the walls, several men had to manually open the gate for them. Eugene took the lead and informed the group of the infected that they’d already taken out. Amy took a moment to stretch her legs out, the ride wasn’t long but it had felt like an eternity.</p>
<p>She was riding shotgun with Eugene in the driver’s seat. Which meant Joel was in the back and he kept meeting her eyes in the rearview mirror. She had spent the majority of the drive attempting to avoid his gaze. She had no idea what he and Rosie had discussed once she’d left them alone but Rosie had been quiet on their walk to the gates, despite Amy’s attempts at conversation. When Amy had tried to steal a kiss, hidden behind the SUV, Rosie had turned her cheek.</p>
<p>Had it been that obvious to Rosie? Had she read it on her as soon as she’d found Joel in her home. Had Joel figured it out as well?</p>
<p>Maybe she should just come clean about everything. To both of them. Hiding it wasn’t doing her any favors. She remembered Ellie confiding in her back in the greenhouses earlier in the week. Maybe if Amy confessed to Joel about Rosie, maybe if he took it well, she could reassure the kid that he wasn’t an asshole. That he wouldn’t judge her either. Or maybe she should start with Rosie, tell her the dirty truth about Joel and see if it changed anything for her. But then how far would that go? Would she have to admit to still feeling something for him? Even if she wasn’t exactly sure what those feelings were? And would that mean explaining the entirety of their relationship, even the worst bits?</p>
<p>Amy rolled her neck and sighed.</p>
<p>Eugene was still speaking with the others, with Joel standing dutifully behind him. A woman approached the group, Amy recognized her. She came to Jackson quite often and was pretty close to Tommy and Maria. Amy watched her smile up at Joel, she nudged him gently in the arm and he laughed. Amy felt her heart skip a beat and she swallowed down something she didn’t want to name.</p>
<p>“Tommy told me you were out here,” Joel was saying when Amy approached. “It’s Esther, right?”</p>
<p>“Right,” Esther answered with a toothy grin. “Nice to see you made it back to Jackson in one piece.”</p>
<p>“Had a few close calls but,” Joel said with a laugh, finally noticing Amy behind him, “well, it all worked out in the end.”</p>
<p>“Well, I hope you guys know how much we appreciate you coming,” Esther continued, now making a point to acknowledge Amy and Eugene. “I’ll tell ya what, you three come over to my place tonight. I’ll cook dinner.”</p>
<p>Amy bit her tongue when Esther touched Joel’s sleeve again. Jesus fucking Christ she was shameless.</p>
<p>“That’s awfully kind,” Joel said, his accent thick. “What do you think?” he asked, turning to her and Eugene.</p>
<p>“I make it a point to never turn down a free meal,” Eugene answered happily.</p>
<p>Joel looked pointedly at Amy then. “Fine.”</p>
<p>Eugene threw an arm around her and squeezed, sensing her discomfort. “Let’s finish up out there then,” he said gesturing towards the walled perimeter. “Spend daylight securing the area, then we’ll head back out in the morning, yeah?”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>They spent the rest of the day scouring the surrounding woods of the outpost for any infected. The majority of the hoard still seemed to be several miles away but they did find more than enough of them for Amy to take out her anger on. She had no right to feel the way she was feeling, she knew it. Didn’t make it go away though, she could analyze her emotions all she wanted but she still had to feel them.</p>
<p>By the time they’d made it back, Esther was already waiting for them with a warm smile. She brought them into her home, she lived alone, and showed them to her dining room table, already set for them. They didn’t have electricity out here so there were homemade candles on every flat surface. Fucking romantic, Amy grumbled internally.</p>
<p>Eugene was taking the lead in conversation, as always. She’d seen him light up a joint when they’d started making their way back to the outpost after their patrol so we was especially animated. It seemed that he too had noticed Esther’s flirting with Joel and that he fully intended to encourage it. Goddamned traitor.</p>
<p>“You should come by Jackson soon,” he said to Esther, “Maria’s planning a fall festival thing. Drinks, dancing, and food. Ought to be a fun time.”</p>
<p>Amy stabbed one of the chunks of meat she had still on her plate.</p>
<p>“Dancing?” Esther said then, she took a sip of wine from her glass and gazed bashfully over it, eyeing Joel. “I haven’t been to a dance in almost thirty years…”</p>
<p>“I ain’t ever been to one,” Joel said, laughing. He was sitting beside Amy and she couldn’t tell if that was a good or a bad thing. At least it was harder for him to see her face.</p>
<p>“Yeah, people are starting to get real excited about it,” Eugene continued. “Been keeping an eye out for decorations while on patrol.”</p>
<p>“Just throw some dead leaves around,” Amy said bitterly, “That’s fall decor.”</p>
<p>“What do you say, cowboy?” Esther said to Joel where he sat across from her, “I show up to this festival, you gonna save me a dance?”</p>
<p>Amy began to wring her hands under the table.</p>
<p>Joel’s hand snaked under the table and he gripped her thigh, squeezing. “Don’t reckon my dance card’s too full just yet, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I’m sure there are plenty of women vying for your attention back in Jackson,” Esther flirted.</p>
<p>Joel chuckled, god he was enjoying the attention wasn’t he? “I wouldn’t say that,” he said, his cheeks coloring slightly.</p>
<p>“You know,” Amy said then, not wanting to hear anymore. “I think I left something in the car, gonna go check,” she rose from the table and went for the door.</p>
<p>“I’ll go with you,” Joel said, “it’s dark out.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Amy said, trying to not sound like a jealous bitch. “There’s guards at the gate, I’ll be okay.” She left then without allowing him to argue more.</p>
<p>Instead of heading for the gate, she went to the house they were going to be staying in while they were there. It was a little more run down than the others in the area that were occupied, which made sense. But the people in town kept it tidy enough for when they had visitors from Jackson. Amy found the room she’d left her bag in and shut herself inside, she stripped down to just her tank top and underwear and crawled into bed.</p>
<p>She sat in the darkness, basking in the silence, until she heard Joel and Eugene return. She made sure there were two sets of footsteps before she allowed herself to drift off.</p>
<p>It wasn’t immediately clear whether the dream she was having was the start of something pleasant or if it might just be the calm before the storm but she was with him, back ten years before. Only now he was lighter, he was the new Joel and it was odd how well he fit back in her memories. Like he’d been this version of himself all along and when he kissed her there was no force behind it, only affection.</p>
<p>She let him do it too, let him hold her gently until he pulled back away, the thick dark veins blooming under the surface of his skin were new. The hazy thickness swallowing his eyes was too. And the soft, guttural whines coming from deep within his chest. It all should have been enough, she knew what to do. When he lunged for her, she didn’t fight until his jaw clamped down on the column of her throat, ripping it from her as she finally remembered she was meant to fight this.</p>
<p>She woke fighting, woke with arms around her and consoling whispers against her hair. Amy tried to rip herself free of whatever held her. Too unused to being comforted by anyone but herself in the night.</p>
<p>“Shh, shh,” Joel whispered. “It’s me, you’re having a nightmare.”</p>
<p>Amy’s eyes finally adjusted enough to the darkness to see where she was. Joel held her tight to him, rocking her slightly now that she’d stopped struggling.</p>
<p>“You’re alright,” he said.</p>
<p>Amy let out a heavy breath, shaking a bit as she did so. Her arms went up to wrap around him and she slackened in his grip. “Was I shouting?”</p>
<p>“No, just got up to get some water and heard you thrashing around,” he answered.</p>
<p>Amy pulled away, remembering too late that him holding her wasn’t okay. She turned to the nightstand beside the bed, saw the glass of water Joel had mentioned. “Can I?”</p>
<p>Joel didn’t answer but handed it to her and she drank several long gulps. She shut her eyes then, willing her breathing back under control. Joel scooted deeper into the bed, he rested a hand against her back and patted her gently. “You wanna talk about it?”</p>
<p>“No,” she said, her voice hoarse. She handed the glass back to him before laying back down and turning her back to him. She felt him shift slightly and then he was curling up behind her, he wrapped an arm around her middle and held onto her tight.</p>
<p>“You sure?”</p>
<p>“You were infected,” she said after a moment.</p>
<p>“Ah,” he sighed, “You take me down?”</p>
<p>Amy squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head.</p>
<p>“Well, that wasn’t very smart,” Joel said, a bit of humor in his voice. “Tell me you at least ran?”</p>
<p>“You ripped my throat out, Joel.”</p>
<p>He laughed at that and she nearly groaned at the feel of him, at his body shaking behind her. He pressed his mouth to her neck then, “Like this?” he asked, biting down gently.</p>
<p>She sighed into him, it was too late at night for her to be strong. The fading adrenaline from her nightmare had left her too exhausted to fight him. She just needed a minute or two. Maybe they didn’t have to go back to Jackson, they could just stay here. In bed. Forever.</p>
<p>“Esther was laying it on pretty thick, huh?” she said when he stopped biting.</p>
<p>“Reckon it gets lonely out here,” he said in answer. “Everyone else seems to be tied down.”</p>
<p>“You liked it,” she said, that bitter, jealous spark back in her voice. Joel paused then, his arms slackening momentarily. He shifted behind her, repositioning himself.</p>
<p>“I like this,” Joel said then, his hand curving around her belly. It was just a bit more round than it had been ten years ago. The result of not constantly being on the move and many full meals. “I like you well fed, you were damn near skin and bones by the time we made it to Boston. Always worried I was gonna break you.” He squeezed the flesh a little before sliding his hand backward, now taking a good grip of her ass. “I like this too.”</p>
<p>“Joel,” she warned but she could feel him hardening behind her. Like clockwork, she rocked back into him and he let out a satisfied sigh. He leaned forward, placing another small bite on her shoulder and Amy shut her eyes. Radiating some kind of foolish energy as she felt the scratch of his beard against her bare skin.</p>
<p>She turned her head to him when he pulled back and Joel didn’t waste the chance to capture her mouth with his. She let herself taste him but only for a moment.</p>
<p>Amy broke the kiss and rolled to face him, then, just as Joel was about to kiss her again, she shoved him hard, swinging her leg over his torso and pinning him beneath her with her hands on his shoulders. “We aren’t doing this.”</p>
<p>Joel attempted to lean up to her and she shoved him down harder, forcing out a hoarse chuckle from deep within his chest. She kept her hands on him to keep him down and for the moment he was allowing it. The look on his face was infuriating, a mixture of amusement and a challenge. They both knew that he could very easily reverse the situation, flip her over and do whatever he wanted to her. Part of her wished he would so she could say it wasn't her fault but he seemed content with their position for now. His hands roamed over her thighs where they gripped him, he gave one a gentle squeeze and let out a contented sigh.</p>
<p>“You know what I think,” he mused, one hand sliding up to grab her hip. “I think you made up this fella of yours, think you just don’t like being out of control. Think that’s exactly how you feel with me.”</p>
<p>Amy shook her head, her hands sliding downward slightly to rest against his chest. “I’m not lying,” she said then, annoyed. Maybe lying about the specifics of the relationship but not about its existence. “How full of yourself do you have to be to think I’d—”</p>
<p>Joel took advantage of the distraction and had her flat on her back in an instant. He lingered over her, barely more than an inch between them as he studied her face. “Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll stop.”</p>
<p>Amy stayed silent, her eyes darting from his eyes to his parted lips. Joel’s brow furrowed and he readjusted his weight, moving to get free use of his hand. He slid it down her body, over her now exposed stomach. Her shirt had ridden up in all the movement. When his hand went to slip beneath her underwear she shut her eyes, “Don’t.”</p>
<p>Joel stopped immediately but his hand stayed where it was. He pressed his forehead to hers and exhaled heavily. Amy reached down to where his fingers trailed at the edge of the fabric of her underwear, used her left hand to place his hand on top of her right, forcing him to grip it without a word. When she opened her eyes again, he was staring at her. Amy held his gaze steadily as she slipped their conjoined hands down further, sliding past the fabric and reaching to touch her heated core. She was careful not to have his own fingers touch her but he caught on quickly to what she wanted.</p>
<p>Joel gripped her hand harder, moved her in a way that made her shiver. He circled her own fingers around the sensitive bud, starting slow, grunting and bucking his hips against her a little as he worked her. The longer it went on, the more desperate she felt. The more she occasionally felt his calluses scrape against her skin, never on purpose but she had to stifle her moans every single time they did.</p>
<p>He kept at it, still grinding against her while he used her own hand to pleasure her. She could sense his desperation for release as she grew ever closer to her own. This was selfish. She was being selfish and stupid but at least it wasn’t more. At least it was her fingers, she could hang on to that fact. Even if part of her wanted more, wanted to feel him moving deep within her, stretching her. To feel him get some satisfaction of his own.</p>
<p>Amy met his eyes when she was on the brink, his were dark and hungry but focused fully on her. She wanted to scream, wanted to pull him to her, have his mouth cover hers to keep from waking Eugene. Joel bucked hard against her once more causing her fingers to slip free of his grip by accident. Joel’s found her then, keeping the rhythm and she didn’t care because she was too damn close to reorient their position. She pulled him down to her then and kissed him, moaning into his mouth as she came hard against his hand, not hers.</p>
<p>Joel pulled away first, removing her slick fingers from his cheek and sucking them into his mouth. Cleaning them with his tongue. “Goddammit baby,” he groaned. “You have any idea how good you taste?”</p>
<p>Amy was still shaking off the aftershock of her orgasm and threw an arm over her eyes to hide from him. She felt his bulge pulse against her thigh and turned to look at him from under her arm.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to,” she whispered, feeling guilty for getting off without him. Knowing how much guiltier she’d feel later if he said yes.</p>
<p>He smiled at her, “I’ll survive.”</p>
<p>“You can’t stay in here,” she said then, a frown tugging at her features.</p>
<p>Joel rolled over onto his back and took a deep breath inward. “What if you have another nightmare?”</p>
<p>“I’ll survive,” she said back, laughing hollowly. Amy rolled towards him then, set her chin against his chest and shut her eyes. “Why’d you have to come to Jackson now,” she hissed into his shirt.</p>
<p>“Woulda come sooner if I knew you were there,” he sounded pained. He slid an arm under her and held her tight against him. “You know there’s a simple fix for our predicament. You could make this easy on us both.”</p>
<p>Amy bit the inside of her cheek. Rosie didn’t deserve this. And Amy clearly didn’t deserve her but the idea of ending things, of hurting her was too much. Not that what she had just done didn’t count as hurting her.</p>
<p>Rosie and her were good, things were so simple and light and maybe Amy craved Joel’s darkness but that didn’t mean it made sense. Amy didn’t make sense. After everything Joel had done, her whole being still ached for him. Craved him in a way she wished she craved Rosie. In comparison, Rosie was just a burning candle and Joel was the entire fucking sun.</p>
<p>It was just sex with Joel, right? That’s all it had ever been, all he seemed to want from her now. With Rosie she could see a life, a future that wasn’t just about fucking. Imagining a future with Joel had never been possible, not from the very start. And the few times she’d slipped and wondered, he had made sure to train the idea right back out of her. Made her hate him so she wouldn’t want anything more.</p>
<p>The truth was that she didn’t want to lose either of them, she already knew the pain of losing Joel once. To do it again might actually kill her. And Rosie, well Rosie deserved more than Amy could give her but she wanted to believe that she could become the sort of person that belonged with a person like Rosie. She thought she might have been that person before, back before Joel had twisted up her insides, coloring her with his darkness to the point that she no longer saw her light.</p>
<p>And how the hell did it seem like Joel had found some light of his own? How did the man she used to know manage to shift away from the skin of his old impulses and find some kind of redemption? She assumed it was an act, she saw a few slivers of the old Joel when they were alone. But maybe that was just the only way he knew how to be with her.</p>
<p>Maybe at this point it was her bringing that out. He knew her well enough to know that she liked it, despite her better judgment.</p>
<p>“Amy,” Joel whispered at length, maybe wondering if she’d fallen asleep. She decided to let him believe she had, slackening slightly against him. He slung his other arm over her then, hugging her to his chest. She was much closer to falling back under when Joel spoke again. “I wish you had any idea how goddamned in love with you I am.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>November 2023, Boston</p>
<p>The safe house Bill had directed them to was just outside the walls of the zone. They left early in the morning, well before the sun had risen. It felt like a funereal procession every step of the way. It was the end of the fucking line. Joel wore it better than she did, the sadness of knowing that in just a few more miles their time together might be done for good. Maybe he’d begun to rebuild those walls of his, maybe he no longer cared. Maybe he never fucking did.</p>
<p>They hadn’t touched each other since the time limit had officially been set and she couldn’t be sure if it was her own doing. If she was the one distancing herself from Joel to minimize the pain. Some of his worst qualities might be rubbing off on her.</p>
<p>They were waiting inside the safe house, Joel sat partially hidden by the only exit with his gun at the ready in case Bill’s contact came in hot. Amy wasn’t entirely sure what to expect so when a woman near her own age approached the doorway she was slightly taken aback.</p>
<p>The woman immediately pulled her gun and Joel was quick to make his presence known.</p>
<p>“Who the fuck are you?” the woman barked.</p>
<p>“Bill sent us,” Amy said quickly, hopping down from the counter she’d been resting on. She raised her hands, once again attempting to defuse the situation. “We have your goods.”</p>
<p>The woman eyed Joel and clicked her tongue. “Prove it.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Amy said and now it was her turn to gamble. She rummaged through her bag, very aware of the gun still pointed in her direction, and pulled out one bottle of pills. “Here’s your proof,” she said, tossing the bottle to her.</p>
<p>“Are you fucking kidding me? Where’s the rest of it!”</p>
<p>“Hidden,” Amy said, attempting to remain calm. The woman inched closer and Joel put himself in between her and Amy. “I’ll give it to you, I just want a favor for lugging your shit all this way.”</p>
<p>“That isn’t how this works,” she spat. “Where the fuck is Bill?”</p>
<p>“He’s safe, just couldn’t make the trip. I swear, I just need help finding some old friends. You figure out where they are in the zone, I give you the rest of the goods. Simple.”</p>
<p>The woman laughed then and lowered her gun. Joel seemed hesitant to do the same.</p>
<p>“You mind calling your guard dog off,” the woman said then, shooting Joel a dismissive look and walking over to Amy.</p>
<p>Amy turned to Joel and he re-holstered his pistol, shaking his head as he did so.</p>
<p>“I’m Amelia,” she said then, holding out a hand for the woman. She didn’t take it.</p>
<p>“Tess. And I do this, the haul better be fucking worth it.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Amy breathed out. She could feel Joel’s eyes burrowing into her back. She hadn’t told him that she’d hidden the goods, hadn’t checked with him to see if blackmailing a smuggler was a good plan. He likely would have told her not to. “Maybe we can do something to repay the favor, help you out with a job or something.”</p>
<p>Tess strolled over to the cabinet that Amy had been sitting on earlier, opened it up and pulled out a bottle of liquor. She poured it into a glass and leaned back against the cabinet, nursing the drink in quiet contemplation. Now that Amy really looked at her, she could tell she’d had a rough time. Under the dirt on her skin, she saw the signs of some sort of fight.</p>
<p>“Are you hurt?” Amy asked her, wanting to prove that despite the blackmail, she wasn’t trying to be a dick. Tess drained her drink and set the glass down, ignoring her question. She and Joel were either going to get along incredibly well or they'd end up killing each other if they decided to work together.</p>
<p>“I got a job you can help me with,” she said then, turning her attentions to Joel. “Hey tough guy, you got a name?”</p>
<p>“Joel,” he gritted out.</p>
<p>“Well, Joel, how do you feel about acting scary elsewhere? I got someone who screwed me over, bet he’d think twice about doing it again if you were standing at my side.”</p>
<p>Joel set his jaw, “I ain’t looking to make enemies just yet.”</p>
<p>“Didn’t say anything about enemies, he’s an old partner who keeps taking my jobs. Just wanna send a message, got no plans on starting a fire fight.”</p>
<p>Joel looked to Amy, like he needed her approval. Wild to imagine where that impulse was coming from but she gave it to him with a nod.</p>
<p>“You find her people, then sure, I’ll do whatever you want.”</p>
<p>Tess quirked an eyebrow at that and if Joel noticed it, he didn’t react. Amy however was suddenly not too keen on the idea of Tess and Joel alone together. Not that she would actually try anything. Not that it mattered if she did. Joel wasn’t Amy’s anything. They were planning on going their separate ways.</p>
<p>Tess could flirt with Joel all she wanted, as long as she got them what they needed. That’s what she told herself anyway.</p>
<p>“Let’s go then,” Tess said, heading back for the exit.</p>
<p>“Where we going?” Joel asked, stiff where he stood by the door.</p>
<p>“There’s a place inside the zone you two can hide out at while I track your people down. Just give me the names, anything else that might be helpful.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Amy said, shouldering her bag.</p>
<p>The way into the zone was the same route Bill had given them which seemed to make Tess feel a little more comfortable with their presence when Amy started leading the way. As if knowing about the safe house wasn’t already evidence enough. She led them through tunnels and up into what seemed to be an old apartment building. It reminded Amy of the one she had originally found Joel in back in Atlanta. Crumbling in places, not fit for residents of the zone to be housed in and probably originally blocked off. The people they passed in the halls seemed to all be hiding out. Some of them greeted Tess, others seemed to shrink away from her.</p>
<p>“Here,” Tess said at the end of the hall on an upper floor. She opened a door and led the way inside.</p>
<p>“This your place?” Amy asked, looking around the room. There was a hall that led deeper into the apartment beside the kitchen they’d entered into.</p>
<p>“Hell no,” Tess said, moving to shut the curtains. “It’s a hideout for when I need to lie low. They rigged the pipes to get them working again if either of you wanna get cleaned up.” Tess pulled open a drawer in a small side table and took out a jagged sheet of paper and a pencil. “Write down whatever you think might help me track your friends down on this.”</p>
<p>Amy wrote down the one name that mattered first, if he wasn’t around anymore she doubted she’d be able to convince the others. She also wrote down his rank from the last time she’d seen him four years before. It was entirely possible he’d been reassigned after all those years but it was worth a shot. She wrote down a few other names before handing the list off to Tess.</p>
<p>“Soldiers?” Tess scoffed, “You didn’t say shit about them being military.”</p>
<p>“They’re cool, and I’m not asking you to bring them here. Just confirm they’re still in the city and point me in the right direction.”</p>
<p>Tess exhaled roughly, glanced to Joel and then back to Amy. “Whatever, don’t let anyone inside while I’m gone.”</p>
<p>And then she was gone and it was just Amy and Joel again. His expression twisted once they were alone and Amy grimaced.</p>
<p>“You didn’t tell me you planned on manipulating her, Jesus Christ,” he growled.</p>
<p>“It worked,” she protested.</p>
<p>“Yeah and now I’ve gotta go play the role of bodyguard to some woman I don’t even know if I wanna be on the good side of,” he stomped over to the kitchen sink and turned the faucet on. Splashed some water over his face and scrubbed at his beard. “You know I thought we might actually get some time to rest once we got here. Thought I could get a feel for things before I jumped in head first.”</p>
<p>“Look, I got you a connection. That’s something.”</p>
<p>“We have no idea who that woman is, who she works with or for…I get that you don’t exactly know how this shit works but I didn’t leave Atlanta to immediately get pulled into someone else’s bullshit.”</p>
<p>“You could’ve said no, I could’ve gone instead.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah because the two of you together would be mighty threatening,” he mocked.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Amy said, not terribly offended but somewhat annoyed. She had pent up energy to burn and she wasn’t sure if Joel would even want to help her get rid of it now that they were finally back in a (slightly) civilized space.</p>
<p>Sex now felt like it was against the rules. Like being in the company of others meant they had to pretend nothing had happened between them. Like the long months of pain and fear and death had been only that.</p>
<p>Joel, done scrubbing at his face, turned to her. His eyes scanned her in her entirety for the first time in what felt like ages. He was taking her in, studying her for she didn’t know what.</p>
<p>His look shifted then, something softer took hold and she felt an overwhelming fondness take over. Amy smiled at him and he cocked his head to the side curiously.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said, a small laugh breaking the end of his name. “We fucking made it.”</p>
<p>A smile tugged one side of his face upward, “We did.”</p>
<p>Amy threw herself into his arms, not caring about the distance they’d been keeping for the last two days. She hugged him and to her extreme delight, he not only allowed it but also hugged her back. His strong arms gripped her tight, his hands roaming over her back in soothing circles. His beard, still wet, pressed against the top of her head and she leaned into his chest, breathing in his scent and shutting her eyes.</p>
<p>After a few minutes Joel spoke, “Why don’t you go get washed up and I’ll see if I can’t get a fire going, make us something to eat.”</p>
<p>She sighed, not wanting to let go but also wanting to reacquaint herself with the concept of running water just a little bit more.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Tess returned to their little hideout after several hours, she refused to divulge the information about her friends until Joel followed through with his promised duties. Out of good will, Amy whispered the location of Tess’s goods to him before they left her alone. If things went well, Joel would bring the other woman to the hiding place before returning to the apartment, let her gather up her hidden goods and then they could be done with her.</p>
<p>Amy took the next few hours to mentally prepare herself for what was to come next. It was fucking exhausting and so she found her way to one of the ratty beds that sat, dust covered and slightly broken in one of the bedrooms.</p>
<p>It was well after dark when she was awoken by the sounds of Joel, shuffling his way into the room roughly. Amy sat up slowly, bleary eyed and somehow feeling hungover.</p>
<p>“It’s just me,” Joel whispered into the darkness. She watched him in the dim light that came in through the window. They were near enough to the edge of the zone for the lights of the guard towers to pool in.</p>
<p>“Everything turn out alright?” Amy asked, her voice scratchy and weak from sleep.</p>
<p>Joel pulled his boots off, followed by his pants and climbed into bed beside her. Without answering he pulled her into his arms and pressed hot lips to hers, plunging his tongue deep into her mouth before she could react properly. His hands went down for the button on her jeans, he thumbed them open and shoved his way inside. Amy pulled back as much as she could with the way he was holding her, she pushed a little against his chest when she smelled the copper twang of blood on him.</p>
<p>“Joel?” concern colored her voice and Joel sighed, pressing his forehead to hers.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” he said, a little shaky and breathless from their kiss. “Just need you.”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>“That woman is reckless as all get out, that’s all. Nearly got us shot.” Joel moved away then, resting on his knees and tugging at her jeans. Amy lifted her hips to help him ease them off of her. “I took care of it.”</p>
<p>Joel threw her pants to the ground roughly before reaching back to her, he gripped her thighs and pulled her down so that he could hover over her again. His beard scratched roughly at her neck as he planted several sloppy kisses there.</p>
<p>“What do you mean <em>took care of it</em>?” Amy asked, gasping slightly at the burning of his skin on hers. Joel lapped along her throat, nipping slightly after.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to worry about it,” was all he said and she pushed him harder this time, shoving him to the side and off of her. Once again she sat up, pulling her knees up to her chest to keep him away from her. Joel groaned in annoyance.</p>
<p>“Tell me you aren’t saying you killed Tess.”</p>
<p>Joel barked a laugh at that. “No, I did not kill Tess. Just a few of the goons who worked for her old partner, they shot first.”</p>
<p>“Did she tell you where my friends are?”</p>
<p>Amy watched Joel’s eyes darken, he tugged his bottom lip into his mouth, bit it. “I got the information,” he finally said, a little too quiet. Hesitant.</p>
<p>“Well where are they?” There was something wrong in the air between them, she just couldn’t quite figure out what it was yet.</p>
<p>“Relax,” Joel murmured, pulling one of her hands into his, dragging it down to feel the bulge that was tenting his boxers. “We ain’t going anywhere tonight.”</p>
<p>His other hand moved to work it’s way between her knees, prying her legs apart without much trouble. He gripped her hips and lifted her over to him, setting her on his lap and drawing her lips to his again, this time with a bit more gentleness. Reaching downward, he pulled her shirt and bra up and over her head, exposing her breasts to his hungry mouth. He pinched a nipple between his teeth then swirled his tongue around it to wash away the pain. Worked his way back to her neck and sucked, marking her.</p>
<p>“You wanna come for me, baby?” he spoke into her skin.</p>
<p>A swirl of hotness sank low in her belly at the sound of his voice. She sighed into him and he knew she was giving in, letting herself go for possibly the last time.</p>
<p>Joel shifted beneath her, grinding his hardness against her and she moaned his name. Taking the encouragement where he found it, he lifted her again, flipping them both so that he was back on top. Amy never wanted to forget the sight of him, inching himself downward to peel off her underwear. Kissing a trail of sweetness over her thighs and back up her belly. She helped him with his boxers and attempted to grip his hard length in her hand but he smacked her hand away, moving to center himself between her legs. He lined himself up with her entrance and halted.</p>
<p>“Look at me,” he said then, tilting her face so their eyes locked.</p>
<p>Satisfied that she was focusing where he wanted her, he pressed slowly into her. Her slickness providing plenty of lubrication but something about his pace pained her. Maybe she just wanted it faster. Wanted hard Joel not whatever this version of him was. His breathing was shallow, low and earthy and dark. His eyes were something else entirely. They blazed even in the low light as he entered her deeper, slow and painful inch by inch and then just as slow back out. The head of his cock burrowing as far in as it could go, she clenched her walls around him, squeezing in a desperate sort of way just to hear him groan.</p>
<p>She reached towards his jaw, held him still so she could kiss him. She was rougher than normal and this it seemed was all he needed to pick up the pace. He pulled out suddenly and then slammed back into her and she gasped into his mouth at the sharpness of it. Amy reached for his back, scrambling onto his flesh with fingers and nails. Joel raised slightly, getting a new angle to fuck her from. He looked down between the two of them and watched himself disappearing into her. Snapped his hips back harder before he gripped her waist and tugged her to the edge of the bed. He found purchase with his feet on the floor and raised her legs upward before driving into her with new strength.</p>
<p>A free hand found her center and rolled and circled around her clit. Joel’s panting above her was loud, erratic as he kept going. Amy shut her eyes and let him pull her over the edge. He slowed as she came, taking in the sight of her down on the bed where she gripped at the sheets in a desperate attempt to stay in her own body. Joel swiveled his hips, rubbing his pelvic bone against her, it made her shiver, sensitive as she was. She attempted to shake away from him but he held her too tightly.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she begged desperately. Her whole body convulsing as he brought her to orgasm for the second time.</p>
<p>“I ever tell you how goddamn good your pussy feels, baby?” he said then, his accent thicker than normal. “Fits me so perfect.” He rolled forward, climbing back on top of her and taking one of her breasts in his hands, he gave it a rough squeeze. “Tell me how my cock feels inside of you, hmm?” he swiveled his pelvis again, rocking into her and she keened as she felt him hit her just fucking right.</p>
<p>“So good,” she managed to breathe out. “Fucking love it.”</p>
<p>He bucked hard then, thrusting faster and losing a bit of his previous rhythm. If he didn’t stop soon she felt in danger of coming for a third time. It’d be a personal record for the two of them. Joel took one of her hands in his, pinning it down above her head with his fingers laced in hers. He kissed her, breathing his grunts into her mouth as he started losing himself. Amy gripped his hair with her free hand, pulled hard and he responded by lifting one of her legs and wrapping it around him. Pulling away, he drove home hard, his fingers digging into the flesh of her thigh as he came. He pulled out, apparently wanting to paint himself all over her flushed skin.</p>
<p>Amy pulled him down again to meet their mouths together in a rough kiss once he was done. Joel was the first to pull away, he kept their faces close, their noses touching.</p>
<p>“Missed you out there today,” he said, his voice faltered as he said it.</p>
<p>Before she could respond, he pulled fully away. Found an old rag to clean her up with and fell back down beside her on the mattress. He was still making desperate attempts to catch his breath when Amy’s own breathing had finally slowed and she found herself lulled into a state too near to sleep to be of any use. Her mind was too empty, her body too well used by Joel to put any thought into his words. She simply shut her eyes and took comfort in the warm presence at her side.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>“Nice to see you two making yourself at home,” a woman’s voice cut through the quiet. Amy’s eyes flew open and she scurried to cover herself with the old ratty blanket that she and Joel were wrapped in. Tess was in the doorway to the bedroom, a smirk clear on her face which was lit up by the morning light. Joel sat up, a deep frown displacing his features as he reached to the ground for his pants.</p>
<p>He turned his back to their intruder, ass fully on display for the other woman while he tugged his jeans on. Amy saw Tess staring and felt a pang of irrational anger. An odd sort of territorial jealousy that she hadn’t had a reason to feel while they’d been alone together on the road.</p>
<p>Joel, fully dressed now, walked to the other side of the room and gathered Amy’s clothing for her, setting them on the bed within reach.</p>
<p>“The hell are you doing back here?” Joel asked Tess then, clearly in a mood.</p>
<p>“Figured I’d give you two a tour, set you in the right direction so you don’t wind up in anymore trouble,” Tess said with a saccharine grin.</p>
<p>“Awfully sweet of you,” Joel said darkly.</p>
<p>“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. Not my best work,” Tess entreated.</p>
<p>With both of their attentions elsewhere, Amy took the opportunity to get dressed. Doing her best to shield her nakedness as she stood.</p>
<p>“You did good, really saved my ass,” Tess continued, all focus on Joel. “You ever want to work with me again, I’d more than welcome the help.”</p>
<p>“I’ll consider it,” Joel said, sounding doubtful.</p>
<p>Amy made her way closer to the pair, Tess’s hazel eyes fell on her then.</p>
<p>“You're planning on walking around out there, you’re gonna want to get your papers in order. I can take you to a guy who makes forgeries. I’ll even cover the cost as an apology.” Tess was practically begging at this point. Apparently whatever had gone down the day before had left a positive impression on her.</p>
<p>Joel pushed past the woman and went to the kitchen, Amy followed after. He pulled a can from his backpack and opened it, grabbing a fork and digging in wordlessly. Amy wasn’t used to whatever this was. This additional human throwing a wrench into things. Making demands. She turned away from Joel to look at Tess since he seemed uninterested in anything the other woman had to say.</p>
<p>“Papers,” Amy said, a bit breathless.</p>
<p>“Your friends are in a more guarded section of the city, you’ll need them to even get close.”</p>
<p>Amy glanced over to Joel who was wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes were hard on her but she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. She felt slightly out of focus and he felt like someone new. Someone she didn’t know how to read just yet.</p>
<p>“Guess that settles it then,” Amy said, looking back at Tess who seemed relieved.</p>
<p>They left after Amy got some food in her belly, Tess led them to an even less trustworthy looking area. The air was filled with the stench of people and the sounds of dogs barking. She fucking hated being in a QZ. Even the cooler temperatures didn’t remove the stink. She could almost feel it settling on her skin.</p>
<p>When they made it to a small rundown office building, Tess knocked once on a window. After several moments, the door was opened to them and Tess whispered a few words into the ear of a man. He eyed Joel mostly but cast a glance towards Amy as well, seeming less interested in her than her companion. Joel remained silent though he shifted his weight a little, straightening his back and glowering down at the smaller man.</p>
<p>“They’re good,” Tess said then and the man allowed the three of them inside.</p>
<p>There were stacks of boxes at one end of the room, a lonely steel desk at the other. The man led them to it, taking a seat and pulling out a few sheets of paper. He questioned them separately, simple shit like names and height. Previous residence. Amy went first, wondering how much this was costing Tess. She was then handed a very real looking identification sheet, she looked it over while the man questioned Joel, searching for any obvious signs of forgery.</p>
<p>“You two been together for long?” Tess asked suddenly. She and Amy were on the far side of the room, seated on some of the boxes and well out of earshot from Joel.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?” Amy said, somewhat taken aback by her nosiness.</p>
<p>“You’ve obviously got him wrapped around your little finger, just curious,” Tess said, leaning forward with an elbow on her knee. “Big scary guy like him and he let’s you boss him around like some lovesick puppy. It’d be adorable if it wasn’t so sad.”</p>
<p>Amy’s stomach twisted at some of her phrasing. Particularly the <em>lovesick</em> comment. “We aren’t together.”</p>
<p>“Oh so the scene I walked in on this morning was just, what?” Tess smirked and Amy kind of wanted to hit her. “Not to mention the way he stares at you when he thinks no one is looking. Caught onto that one yesterday.”</p>
<p>Amy felt her heart flutter lightly in her chest. Tess sat upright and rolled her shoulders.</p>
<p>“The absolute mood he was in yesterday when I took him away from you,” she said, laughing. “Had me on edge, no wonder things went south so damn quickly. Thought he was gonna tear my head off before we even made it to those assholes we killed.”</p>
<p>“He’s just like that,” Amy said quietly, casting a glance in Joel’s direction. His back was to them and she was glad of it. Her cheeks warmed and Tess was smiling when she turned back to her. “I’m not staying in Boston,” she confessed to the other woman. “Joel is but I’m…well, I’m just not.”</p>
<p>Before Tess could respond, the scratching sound of metal on tile pierced the air. Amy turned again to Joel who had pushed his chair out and was now standing, freshly faked ID in hand. Amy cleared her throat, feeling the stinging of her eyes and doing her best to ignore it as she moved to meet with Joel at the center of the room. She saw something in his expression then, the way the muscles in his face relaxed as she drew closer to him. How his entire body seemed to lose a bit of its tenseness when there was less space between them.</p>
<p>Amy had to shake herself out of her head and when she had she looked back to Tess.</p>
<p>“Where to next?” she asked, ignoring the way Joel leaned into her slightly, bumping his arm against hers.</p>
<p>Tess brought them to a gated section of the city where several guards were stationed. They presented their papers to one of them, Amy holding her breath while they looked them over carefully.</p>
<p>“All right,” the woman said, signaling to a man on the other side of the fence to open the gate. “Head on through.”</p>
<p>Just like back in Atlanta, housing for soldiers was quite a bit nicer. This part of the city had less condemned buildings than the other. Less places to hide. The higher ups in the city would be kept here, protected by hundreds of FEDRA soldiers. Amy gulped down her fears of somehow being found out while they were there. She’d deserted after all.</p>
<p>Tess left them at the front of one of the shittier buildings on the block, giving them an apartment number and stalking off. Amy took the lead, stepping in through the stooped front door and eyeing the stairwell to her right. She took them without glancing back to Joel, she could feel his heat on her back as he hovered in her orbit. Unwilling to let her get too far out of reach.</p>
<p>This building was clearly just another disused place for nefarious activities. Curfew breakers probably frequented the place as well as soldiers who were looking to get into trouble. She wasn’t sure if that made her feel better, knowing her people spent time in a place like this. On the one hand it made clear that their attachment to their duties wasn’t so high that she’d have much trouble convincing them to run off with her. But it also meant they were probably just a little too cynical to seek out the kind of place Amy was looking for. She felt her confidence in the whole thing faltering as she made it to the right numbered door. Her hand shook a bit as she raised it to knock.</p>
<p>Sounds of curses and knocked over bottles rang out immediately in response to her raps on the hard wood. She took a deep breath as the door opened to the two of them standing in the darkened hallway.</p>
<p>The first thing she saw was his honey blond hair, then his shocked expression at the sight of her. His mouth fell open and they flew to each other, Amy wrapped her arms around his neck and Noah lifted her into the air with an exhale of something like glee.</p>
<p>“Amy, Jesus Christ,” he said into her hair, heedless of their audience.</p>
<p>“Noah,” she said, nearly on the verge of tears. Whatever fears had plagued her only moments before were now fully banished by her excitement and relief at seeing her old friend.</p>
<p>Noah set her down then, hands on her shoulders as he looked her over, still amazed.</p>
<p>“How the fuck are you here?” he asked with an abashed smile.</p>
<p>“Long story,” she said, laughing slightly.</p>
<p>Joel shifted a bit at her back, pulling Noah’s eyes from Amy. His smile faltered as he took the other man in and Amy turned to see Joel’s face, the hard set of his jaw.</p>
<p>“Noah, this is Joel,” Amy said, pulling back slightly and letting Noah’s hands fall away from her.</p>
<p>“Nice to meet you,” Noah said, stepping back a bit to let them inside. There were half a dozen people in the room, seated on couches with beer bottles scattered around. All wore FEDRA uniforms. Noah put a hand lightly on her arm, pulling her towards the others. “Charlie, you remember Amy, right? Liam’s little sister.” Amy saw the familiar face of another one of her brother’s close friends. Right, they wouldn’t know he was dead. He introduced her to the others, all strangers.</p>
<p>Joel was stood near the front door, leaning against the wall there and scowling. Noah pulled Amy towards the kitchen and opened a beer for her.</p>
<p>“We’re celebrating Charlie’s promotion,” he said then. He shouted over to Joel next, “Come join us.”</p>
<p>“I’m good,” Joel grumbled, not moving.</p>
<p>Amy could deal with him later, for now she really did feel like celebrating. And so she did.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>It was nearing time for curfew and most of the party had left. Joel at some point had finally vacated his post by the door and made his way to one of the now empty couches. Amy and Noah were sat out on an old, potentially precarious balcony, watching the sun begin to set. They’d been reminiscing about the old days, back when they’d done this sort of thing often. Snuck away from training and drank beers they’d stolen from some of the senior soldiers.</p>
<p>“So,” Noah said at length. “Liam come with you or were you reassigned?”</p>
<p>Amy glanced down to her half empty bottle, letting out a weary sigh that told him all he needed to know.</p>
<p>“Shit,” Noah said with understanding, “When?”</p>
<p>“Two years ago,” Amy answered sadly. “Don’t really have word on what happened to his group but…it was just meant to be a routine patrol. They never made it back.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Amy.” Noah and Liam had been close, they were the same age. Three years older than she was though they usually allowed her to break the rules with them. Letting her in on all of their mischief.</p>
<p>“Eh, who has a family anymore?” she said, forcing a laugh to lighten the mood.</p>
<p>“Why’d you come all this way?” Noah asked then and she bit her lip for a moment before answering.</p>
<p>“You remember all those stories we used to hear on patrols? About communities out west that functioned without the military, just living off the land?”</p>
<p>Noah cracked a smile, “Don’t tell me you left Atlanta to go searching for one.”</p>
<p>“Not exactly, no.” Amy took a long swig from her beer and sat it down, bracing herself. “I came to ask you to help me find one.”</p>
<p>Noah at first looked like he might laugh but then he stood up from his slouched position beside her. His eyes and mouth both comically wide. “Tell me you’re joking.”</p>
<p>“Look, before I left Atlanta we were hearing the same damn rumors with almost every outsider we picked up.”</p>
<p>“That doesn’t mean—”</p>
<p>“Noah,” she interrupted, sitting straighter. “We used to talk about this shit all the time. How we’d love to just say fuck it and leave FEDRA behind. I am just asking you to follow through. I <em>know</em> there has to be something out there that’s better than this.”</p>
<p>“This isn’t about following through, Amy. This is a fucking suicide mission.” He put his hands on his hips and shook his head, suddenly unwilling to look at her.</p>
<p>“I know it’s a long shot, and that plenty of awful shit could happen along the way but…I think it’s worth it. I mean, me and Joel made it this far on our own.”</p>
<p>“Who is he anyway?” Noah asked then, she saw him glancing through the window. No doubt eyeing Joel, Amy turned around to see that he was watching them from the couch. She couldn’t tell how much he could hear of their conversation but imagined she’d find out later. He might even gloat at Noah's reaction to her plan.</p>
<p>“I hired him to get me here,” she said. The truth but not the full extent of it.</p>
<p>“Amy,” Noah said then, catching on a bit more quickly than she was prepared for. “What’d you promise him?”</p>
<p>She flattened her lips and met his eyes. “I said you would get him set up, with guns, ammo…whatever he wanted.”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” he breathed out. “Well, if you wanted to scare me into leaving the fucking QZ with you by hiring a thug like that—”</p>
<p>“He’s not a fucking thug,” Amy half-shouted, feeling more defensive than she should have. “I can talk to him, if you can’t pay him then I’m sure I can figure something else out.”</p>
<p>“You waited four fucking years to pull this shit, Amelia.” Noah’s expression was harsh but not exactly angry. She wasn’t sure what he was, other than flabbergasted.</p>
<p>“I tried to stay,” she said softly. “Tried to ignore all the rumors but it just…it was either leave or,” she stopped herself, not wanting to reveal too much. Saying it out loud would only make it harder to keep her composure. “I didn’t have anyone left and I couldn’t stay there.”</p>
<p>Noah took a heavy breath, expression softening.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to come with me, but I’ve made up my mind. I’m going even if it means going alone. There’s no talking me out of it,” she said with finality, hating the way her eyes burned. Noah’s were likewise wet but full of understanding at last.</p>
<p>“Give me a few days,” he said carefully, “I’ll see if I can’t convince some of the others. Gather up some supplies, see what I can get for your friend.”</p>
<p>Amy blinked rapidly, not quite believing what she’d just heard but too afraid to question it. Noah pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her.</p>
<p>“You’re gonna get me killed, I can feel it,” Noah whispered into her hair.</p>
<p>“I promise I won’t,” she said, begging all the stars in the universe to make it true.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Amy is a manipulative little shit sometimes but she is also a smol sad bean.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>in honor of today being Joel's death day, I'm posting two chapters (also bc they are a bit shorter than the last few). Oh! and because I finally finished the chapter I've been stuck on for 2+ weeks and it was the final one I had left to write so this baby is cooked!! still needs to be edited and I might add things blah blah blah but we are good. </p>
<p>things are rough and will continue to be rough but then we get the good and just trust me. the shit I wrote yesterday was so fluffy and sweet, you don't even know.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>September 2034, Jackson Outpost</p>
<p>Amy opened her eyes when she heard Eugene hollering through the door, not an uncommon occurrence but it took her mind a moment to adjust to the new space. And the body that was holding tightly onto her still. She shifted, turning to see that Joel had apparently decided to stay. Shit.</p>
<p>“Hang on,” Amy called out, she struggled under the weight of Joel’s arm. Finally fed up, she elbowed him hard in the ribs and he grunted. “Joel,” she hissed, and he opened his eyes. He took her in for a moment before releasing her. Amy rolled off the mattress and searched the floor for her jeans. She angrily shoved a leg in and hopped for the door.</p>
<p>“Think Joel might have head out ahead of us,” Eugene said then through the door and Amy finished fastening her pants. She swung the door open, a scowl twisting her features. “You look rough.”</p>
<p>Behind her, Joel was starting to climb out of bed.</p>
<p>“I’m here,” Joel called out and Amy shut her eyes with a sigh.</p>
<p>Eugene cleared his throat a few times. “Well,” he said, “I suppose we should get a move on.”</p>
<p>Amy finally opened her eyes again, ignoring Eugene’s disappointed expression as she shoved passed him and towards the living room. She took a few minutes to check their supplies. Eugene followed after her, apparently he’d been awake for a while, there was a pot of something already cooking on the small hot plate they’d brought with them. He scooped some of it into a bowl and set it beside her without a word.</p>
<p>Joel emerged eventually and she felt so angry at him that she couldn’t even speak. Too afraid she might snap at him when really the whole thing was her stupid fault. She was grateful to not be in Jackson, to be outside its walls with the simple mission of killing infected. She took three spoonfuls of Eugene’s concoction before giving up and exiting the house to go wait by the SUV. The guards at the gate greeted her kindly but she kept silent, she didn’t have the energy to be nice.</p>
<p>The vague memory of Joel’s final words the night before were replaying in her head as she waited, seated on the hood of the car. She wanted to pretend she hadn’t heard them, that they had been a twisted dream. She was used to those.</p>
<p>Eugene nudged her boot while she was still lost in her own head, she hopped down and climbed into the SUV wordlessly. Joel found his seat in the back and she made a point to avoid the mirror.</p>
<p>Joel fucking Miller. Of course he’d do this now. Of course he’d come to Jackson right when she was starting something new and good with someone who made her feel hopeful about the future. Of course he'd finally say the things she’d always wanted to hear when she was falling for someone else. He knew, she had told him and he still chose to ignore everything. To do what he always had done, come to her at night when she was vulnerable and lonely and hurting. When all she wanted was to forget about the world and every other shitty thing. And of course she was more or less incapable of resisting.</p>
<p>There was a time when she thought she was over it all. Over his lies and bullshitting and betrayal. When she had been able to sleep through the night. So why wouldn’t he show up and relentlessly try to ruin it all. What the fuck was his plan in admitting the feelings she knew they both had all those years ago? Why now? What the fuck was she supposed to do with it? There were some things that were just made broken and whatever they had ever been was one of those things. It had been kinder before, him pretending not to feel. Pretending that it was only nights when he cared for her, that all the small things in the day were practicalities and not him literally putting his life on the line to keep her safe. Jackson had a tendency to make people softer, sure. Safety did that to people.</p>
<p>But how was Amy supposed to process the idea that not only was Joel in Jackson but that he was maybe finally willing to put himself at risk on an emotional level. And how the fuck was she now the one building up the walls that she’d come to know so well as his own. Unwilling to let him hurt her again. It had to stop, she had to put an end to it for good. She just didn’t know how exactly. He’d proven already that knowing she was with someone else didn’t matter to him. Would it make a real difference if he knew it was Rosie? Had she only been hiding her all this time because, instinctively, she knew that? It wasn’t fair to Rosie and it wasn’t fair to Joel. She was the bad guy in this, she’d known from the start. She'd just wanted to pretend to believe otherwise. Blame other people for her problems instead of claiming them as her own bullshit messes to clean up.</p>
<p>They had to have been on the road for about twenty minutes when Eugene finally pulled off to a dirt path. Amy was the first to exit the car, she found a high spot and pulled a pair of binoculars from her bag. There was a group of infected, maybe fifteen or twenty of them, near some houses about fifty yards away. She lowered the binoculars in time for Joel to sidle up beside her. He reached for the binoculars and she flinched away and instantly felt guilty when she saw the look on his face.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she said, handing them off.</p>
<p>Eugene caught up with them then, his rifle balanced against his shoulder. “How many we got?”</p>
<p>“Twenty max,” Amy said, “I say we go in, sneak up on a few…maybe try a molotov or two. Preserve as much ammo as possible.”</p>
<p>“Not sure I like that idea,” Joel grumbled, still watching the infected.</p>
<p>“We start shooting and they’ll run our way, it isn’t like we have the luxury of being unreachable this time.” Amy was attempting to keep her voice neutral and failing. “If it makes you feel better I can go alone, you and Eugene can keep the fuckers in your sights.”</p>
<p>Joel lowered the binoculars and turned to look her over. “Eugene can stay here with the rifle, I’ll go with you.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” she said, rolling her eyes. Amy turned to Eugene. “Don’t miss.”</p>
<p>He saluted her and pulled out a joint, knowing that she knew exactly what she was doing. She and Joel skirted their way through a clump of trees for cover. Amy was grateful for the stealth requirement, she could tell Joel wanted to say something. Maybe recant his late night confession, blame it on his unresolved horniness or some other bullshit. If he tried, she’d strangle him. Wanted or not, she wasn’t about to let him act like it didn’t mean anything. Those days were done.</p>
<p>There were a pair of runners on the outskirts of the main group, she and Joel separated and took them out without having to speak. He tapped her wrist after and she turned to see him attempting to hand her a molotov. She ignored him and grabbed one of her own out of her backpack. Hers were smaller and she had, with the help of Eugene, come up with her own recipe for the fuel. It burned longer and was stickier.</p>
<p>“Stay back,” she said, her voice barely a whisper as she pushed Joel behind her. She pulled her arm back and slammed the bottle through the air with all of her strength. It smashed against the house closest to the larger portion of the group and rained down fiery hell upon them.</p>
<p>At least seven of the infected immediately let out a cacophony of wails and ran straight in the direction of the rest of the cluster and soon caught light as well. The roar of the fire continued long past the initial victims had quieted and Joel, seemingly taken aback, soon threw his own bottle. Unnecessary but she expected that he didn’t like to be shown up. Strike that, she knew it. Why else was he constantly projecting his own thoughts onto her about her <em>fella?</em></p>
<p>They moved closer to the area, parts of it still burning, and listened for any signs of life in each of the houses. There was a single clicker in one at the far end of the street and Amy took it out before Joel could take charge.</p>
<p>Amy pulled her knife from the clicker with a heavy exhale, she swiped the blade against her jeans before replacing it in its sheath. “Told ya it would work.”</p>
<p>“You did,” Joel said sullenly.</p>
<p>Right, they were technically alone. He could say whatever he wanted to, or unsay whatever he wanted. She scanned the room quickly, looking for any obvious supplies before heading for the exit. Joel caught her by the wrist before she could break back out into the sunlight. His grip was firm but not painful, he pulled her towards him. Met her eyes with hazel and softness. “I wanna talk about last night.”</p>
<p>“We’re kind of in the middle of something,” she said back quickly, not exactly fighting to break free of his grip. “It can wait.”</p>
<p>“Tonight then?”</p>
<p>“Fine,” she said with a huff. “We manage to find some time alone, we can talk.”</p>
<p>“Alone?” he questioned. “You planning on yelling?”</p>
<p>“Maybe.” Something sparked in his eyes as they darted to her mouth. “We need to get back to Eugene.”</p>
<p>“Yes ma’am,” Joel said with a hoarseness that made her cheeks warm.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>They finished off the day a few miles further out, taking out another few small groups that had broken away from the rest of the horde before returning to the outpost for what ought to be the final night. Eugene set to work making them dinner while Joel and Amy oiled their guns. Every few minutes she would look up to see him watching her carefully from across the room.</p>
<p>They hadn’t spoken still, despite her promise that they would. She half hoped he’d let her off the hook.</p>
<p>What the fuck was she supposed to say about the other night? Did it count as cheating on Rosie if she and Rosie had never actually stated that they were an exclusive thing? Should she just end things with her before she could do worse? Had she only let him touch her because she was jealous of the attention he was getting from Esther? She had no right to feel like she had some kind of ownership over him.</p>
<p>She looked over to him again, his eyes now watching his hands as he polished the metal of his pistol. He’d said he loved her. Did he know she’d heard him? How could he even say that after so long, so much time and distance and…she barely knew who she was anymore so how the hell could he even begin to think he could feel that way towards her?</p>
<p>Joel caught her staring then and she frowned. He opened his lips to speak but was stopped by a knock on the front door. Without a word, he stood up from his chair and opened it. Standing on the other side was Esther. Amy sighed and stepped over to Eugene, getting a good look at the pot he was stirring.</p>
<p>“Figured you guys might like some wine after the day you had,” Esther said from the doorway. Amy glanced back to see her handing Joel a bottle. A sickening smile graced her features as she patted Joel’s arm, once again seeming a little bit too familiar with him for Amy’s liking.</p>
<p>“<em>Oh, fuck off</em>,” she said under her breath, prompting a raised eyebrow from Eugene. “Dinner almost done?”</p>
<p>“You want it cooked?” Eugene chided her.</p>
<p>“I appreciate it,” Joel said to Esther. “Hey, Amy,” he called out then, she turned to face him. “Why don’t you find us some cups.”</p>
<p>“You should join us,” Eugene said then. “We’ve got plenty of food to go around.”</p>
<p>Amy would have kicked him if she hadn’t walked too many feet away.</p>
<p>“Oh no, I just wanted to drop this off.”</p>
<p>Amy tugged open a cabinet, blew some dust off of three glasses and sat them on the table. Joel left his place by the door and stepped over to her, resting his palm on the small of her back casually. He uncorked the bottle and poured a single glass, bringing it back over to where Esther still stood.</p>
<p>“At least have a drink before you run off,” Joel said to her, holding the cup out for her to take. To Amy’s immense displeasure, she agreed and came further into the house. Was Joel doing this on purpose? He usually seemed to read her moods well, not that she was doing a particularly good job hiding her annoyance. Now or last night. Not that he owed her any kind of comfort.</p>
<p>She felt like an animal, a weird sort of irrational anger at someone coming a little too close to her territory. It radiated off of her skin in waves, pulsing in the air around her. Amy filled the other two cups and then took off down the hall with the rest of the bottle.</p>
<p>Was Joel being nice to Esther out of genuine kindness or was he enjoying making Amy feel like this? Maybe he hoped it’d get her back into bed with him if she feared losing him altogether. The worst part of that line of thinking was that she wasn’t entirely sure that she wouldn’t. He wasn’t hers, she had Rosie, but every goddamned beat of her heart said otherwise. No one had ever made her feel this way before. She fucking hated it.</p>
<p>Tipping the bottle to her lips, Amy drank deep. She was going to have to end things with Rosie. She was going to have to hurt her, if not break her heart at least damage it. God, if they’d only figured out shit a few months earlier, maybe it could have worked. But they hadn’t been given enough time. She’d never gotten the chance to find out if she could have loved her. Joel had blown into Jackson and she was instantly ten years younger, aching for his touch. If she let herself, could they truly move beyond everything that had happened all those years ago? Could she trust him? Shit, she didn’t even know what he’d been through in the last ten years. Didn’t know why he’d come to Jackson all the way from Boston beyond it having something to do with Ellie.</p>
<p>And fuck, Ellie. That was clearly going to be an issue. She’d confided in her because of Rosie. How would she handle the idea of her and Joel? She drank some more to dull the questions. It was all too much, she didn’t even truly know Joel’s intentions. And of course he'd always be the one to hide behind bullshit, to make her be the one to admit to something similar to reality when it came to feelings. Except for last night when she was pretty sure he had thought she was sleeping.</p>
<p>Amy laughed, the fucker had her all twisted up. Again.</p>
<p>She finished the bottle and her skin felt like fire. She needed air. Tiptoeing back down the hall, she heard laughter from the kitchen, Joel’s low rumble brightest to her ears. Amy made it to the front door without being spotted and went out.</p>
<p>He didn’t deserve the chance to wreck her again. But hadn’t he already done that without trying? She was a mess, why not just give in to what she hated wanting? She was the one making everything so damn difficult, she knew it and he'd said as much. Jackson was supposed to be her second chance, Joel had every right to want one too. Even if he’d mocked her for wanting it in the first place. Even if he lied and cheated and tried his best to steal it from her.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she said, realizing her cheeks were wet.</p>
<p>The truth, if she let herself voice it, was that the idea that he might fuck her over again scared her more than anything else. If they tried, actually tried to make things work, what if it just didn’t? What if they realized that it really had only been about the sex and the needing each other just to survive. Jackson was too safe. Even boring at times. She and Joel had been some kind of hellish Stockholm thing. They’d been stuck together for too long. Had started to feel like they needed the other just to breathe but in Jackson that just wasn’t true. The fire between them might just fizzle out if they tested it and then how was Amy supposed to stay? The cruelness of actually finding her place in the world, of having friends and people who felt like family only for Joel to come and ruin it.</p>
<p>The stars above her were brighter here than in Jackson. No search lights to break through the night sky. She supposed she could move out here, it was close enough to visit Jackson occasionally without having to actively avoid Joel every day for the rest of her life.</p>
<p>Amy stumbled over a root, caught herself on hands and knees. <em>Right, crazy brain, you’re drunk. Stop being so damn dramatic.</em> Joel was just a man and Amy just so happened to be stupidly in love with him. Simple. Admitting it to herself didn’t have to mean the end of the world. And even if it did, she’d already survived that scenario once before. She was still here. And so was Joel.</p>
<p>Climbing back up to her feet, Amy wiped away her tears with dirt covered hands. She wasn’t going to rush things, wasn’t going to even talk about this with him until they were back in Jackson and she had gotten the chance to make things right with Rosie. She owed her that much.</p>
<p>When the buzz from the wine began to wear off, Amy made her way back to their temporary home. Eugene was passed out on the sofa with Joel nowhere to be seen. Must’ve gone to bed early. She looked at the bowl of stew that Eugene had made and ignored it, preferring sleep to food. It’d been a big day, enough of a nightmare that she was fairly certain she wouldn’t be having any actual bad dreams. That was usually how it worked, the happier she was, the more her nights were full of terror. Maybe that was why she constantly made choices that made her miserable, at least it meant she was well rested.</p>
<p>Amy walked slowly down the hall, not wanting to wake either of the men. As soon as she opened the door to the room she’d been staying in, she regretted coming back to the house so early. Joel was sitting on her bed, a tired expression coloring his features. She sighed, shutting the door and sitting down beside him to untie her boots. Once they were off, she fell backward on the mattress and shut her eyes.</p>
<p>“You wanted to talk,” she said then since he hadn’t said a single word since she’d entered the room.</p>
<p>“Eugene told me about her,” Joel said softly.</p>
<p>Amy felt a cold, vice-like grip on her heart. She squeezed her eyes shut even tighter, willing the earlier tears not to return. She held her breath for what felt like an impossible amount of time before exhaling.</p>
<p>“If I’d have known—”</p>
<p>“You knew,” she said at last, not wanting to hear whatever he was going to say.</p>
<p>“I just mean,” he started again, a bit shakier than before. “I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you, I would have stopped. I woulda, hell, I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“What are you saying, Joel?”</p>
<p>“That I get it. That I clearly ain’t what you want.”</p>
<p>Amy barked a laugh at that. This was her out if she still fucking wanted it. If she wanted to be a coward and pretend again. Pretend that she was smarter than she was, that history wasn’t repeating. At least give herself time to sort herself out, talk to Rosie and potentially beat Eugene with a lead pipe.</p>
<p>“You are so fucking stupid,” she said, more about herself than Joel but he huffed at it anyway.</p>
<p>“What do you want me to say?” he asked, turning to where she was still sprawled out on the bed.</p>
<p>She bit her lip, lolled her head to the side to meet his eyes. “Tell me something about you that I don’t know. From after Boston.”</p>
<p>“Amelia,” he said, exasperated. She nudged him with her leg and he sighed heavily before falling backwards at her side. “I very nearly died.”</p>
<p>“You traveled across the fucking country with only a little girl as your backup, of course you very nearly died, Joel.”</p>
<p>“That little girl is the only reason I made it,” Joel said, something like pride in his tone. “Fell down on a steel bar, went straight through my gut,” he lifted a hand to what she had to assume was the spot. “Ellie took down half a dozen grown men getting us out of danger while I was bleeding out. She patched me up, kept me fed, found medicine…”</p>
<p>“Jesus,” Amy gasped out.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand how you lasted so long out there on your own,” he continued.</p>
<p>“It was pretty simple,” Amy turned onto her side to face him.</p>
<p>“How’s that?” he sounded a bit like he was falling asleep.</p>
<p>She stared at his profile, taking in the sight of him. His nose, lips, the way the light coming in from the moon outside made his hair glow.</p>
<p>“I stopped doing what I thought you would do.”</p>
<p>He inhaled sharply at that and Amy reached a hand over to where his still rested. She snaked her hand under the fabric of his shirt, feeling for the scar. He let her. She ran gentle fingers over the smooth scar tissue, felt the jagged lines of the stitching.</p>
<p>“Thank you for not dying,” she said after a few minutes. It was the closest she could allow herself to saying what she actually wanted to say. Or didn’t want to say. Because saying it, speaking it to the world gave it too much power. Gave the universe another thing to strip away from her.</p>
<p>Joel rolled onto his side then, head resting on his arm. They were so close, she could very easily move an inch or two closer, could kiss him and just let it all be over and done with. They still had more infected to take out in the morning, anything could happen and what did it matter if she gave herself over to what she truly wanted. Joel’s lips parted and just as she was about to pull him to her, he rolled away. Sat up.</p>
<p>“I’d better get to my own bed,” he said then, standing.</p>
<p>Amy watched him go.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>second chapter for today, as promised :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>November 2023, Boston</p>
<p>Noah helped them get back to Tess’s hideout, escorting them back while in his FEDRA uniform and making excuses along the way for why they were out after curfew. He promised to stop back by when he knew more, made doubly sure to reinforce with Joel that he had every intention of getting him what he was owed. Amy should probably have let Noah off the hook, at this point she didn’t think Joel cared much about the payment. But then again, getting stocked up was a good start in a new place. Especially if Joel seemed so intent on not working with Tess again.</p>
<p>When they were safely back inside, this time making sure to bolt the door to keep from waking the next day with another intruder, Joel stomped off down the hall. Amy was just buzzed enough from both the beers she’d imbibed and the news that Noah would actually try to give her what she wanted. It made her a little bit stupid so she chose to follow after Joel, even though she should have known by now that there were certain times when he was better left on his own.</p>
<p>She found him in the second bedroom, not the one they’d shared the previous night. He’d set his bag down on the ground by his feet and sat on the bed, his head in his hands.</p>
<p>“You hungry?” Amy asked tentatively. He didn’t startle, of course he’d heard her coming.</p>
<p>“He agreed to help you? That boy,” Joel said, his voice brittle.</p>
<p>“Noah,” she corrected. Not that it mattered. Not like Joel would ever really need to learn his name. “He’s gonna try to talk some of the others into coming with but yeah, he’s going with me.”</p>
<p>Joel scoffed, lifting his head. “You trust him?”</p>
<p>Amy blinked a bit before stepping closer and taking a seat beside him. “Clearly.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you seemed awfully close,” he said then and even she wasn’t blind enough to miss the jealousy in it.</p>
<p>“Known him since I was a kid,” she offered. “You know you have a habit of ignoring questions and asking your own, don’t you?”</p>
<p>Joel turned to look at her. “We’re getting low on food.”</p>
<p>“I bet Tess could help you get some ration cards,” she said carefully. “Get you set up for however long it takes Noah to bring your payment.”</p>
<p>“He ain’t planning on paying me, Amelia. Saw it in his eyes,” Joel said, a bit too matter-of-factly for her liking. Joel didn’t even know Noah.</p>
<p>“He wouldn’t lie about that, not to me.”</p>
<p>Joel studied her face, his brows knit tight. There was something pained about the look in his eyes. Like he was fighting some internal battle, one he’d never share with her.</p>
<p>She didn’t even know why she bothered trying to find meaning in his various looks. Maybe it was because for so long now it was just him keeping her alive. Knowing what he was thinking, even if she was wrong from time to time, was just another survival technique. And now she didn’t need him.</p>
<p>Joel’s hand moved to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, it pulled her back to the present. The softness of it, the tenderness.</p>
<p>“There you are,” he whispered, bringing her lips to his with a gentle grip on her jaw. Just a small peck and then he pulled back away and looked into her eyes. There was a question in them, one she was unwilling to face and apparently one he was unwilling to speak.</p>
<p>Amy turned away, “I should get cleaned up.” As if they’d done much of anything in the day to require it. As if she wasn’t used to going to bed covered in blood and dirt.</p>
<p>“Eat if you like,” he said to her back. “You’re gonna need the energy if you’re going back on the road.”</p>
<p><em>If</em>.</p>
<p>Amy blinked away tears as she left him in the room, still seated on the bed.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>A few days passed and, like he promised, Noah returned with news that at least three of his friends were willing to leave the QZ. It should have felt like a victory, like anything at all but what it felt like. Amy wanted this, she repeatedly reminded herself that she did, that this was what all those months on the road with Joel had been pushing her towards but…</p>
<p>But she didn’t want to leave Joel behind. And his older words, his derision and doubts had started to become her own. And yet, Noah was willing to put himself on the line. Willing to leave it all behind. It didn’t feel real.</p>
<p>Earlier in the day, Tess had come back and requested Joel’s help again. This time, he was hungry enough to agree. Now she sat on the couch with Noah discussing potential plans for fleeing the city. He thought it might be possible to get a military truck. To somehow switch patrols around so that all who were willing to risk their lives to find a better place would be on the route together. Amy would only have to wait outside the QZ for long enough for them to get her. And then they’d drive, seeking out the most promising lead they had. And Amy felt sick to her stomach at the thought.</p>
<p>True to his word, Noah had brought some supplies to repay Joel. A few weeks ago, the idea of proving Joel wrong would have felt good. Now it was just further evidence that it was okay to leave him. That she’d followed through, fulfilled her promises and now had no excuses that made any sense as reasons to stay just a little bit longer. Winter was coming, sure, but with a vehicle and the surplus of supplies Noah informed her he planned on stealing, that wasn’t much of a reason to remain in the QZ. Plus more time gave the others the chance to start doubting.</p>
<p>It was getting late in the day and Joel still wasn’t back, the way her skin itched when he was away from her was unpleasant. She wondered if he felt it too and reflected on Tess’s words.</p>
<p>“I still can’t believe you came all this way without knowing I’d agree to this,” Noah said, pulling her out of her head.</p>
<p>Amy refocused on him, on his face that had aged more than the years had passed. She supposed that was normal nowadays. No one really looked their age. Life was too damn hard. Not that age mattered at all when the average person seemed to die so fucking young.</p>
<p>“I knew you’d agree when I left,” she said and it was the truth, despite whatever doubts she’d picked up along the way. “You promised my brother you’d look after me if anything happened to him.”</p>
<p>Noah sighed and then smiled sadly at her. Looked as if there was something he wanted to say before the door to the apartment opened and Joel strolled in. Amy stood quickly, wanting a good look at him. It’d been hours and she had tried and failed not to worry multiple times that day before Noah had shown up.</p>
<p>The supplies Noah had brought for Joel were laid out on the coffee table: a shotgun with a good amount of ammo, a few cans of food, and around fifty ration cards. Joel didn’t seem to notice it however and instead focused his gaze on the other man before glancing Amy’s way.</p>
<p>“Everything go alright?” she asked him and his eyes flicked to her lips which were quivering just the smallest amount.</p>
<p>“We got it done,” he said, stepping deeper into the room. No doubt he was uncomfortable discussing the details of whatever likely illegal shit he and Tess had been up to with a soldier. Even if he was planning on deserting soon, she could tell Joel didn’t trust him in the slightest.</p>
<p>She hadn’t asked for details when Tess had arrived earlier that morning. Neither had Joel, at least not while she was in earshot. Amy wasn’t sure that she wanted to know what the job had been. And when Joel moved closer to her, a sort of predatory air to his stance as he moved to stand between her and Noah, she saw the fresh bruises forming on his bloodied knuckles. No, she really did not care to know what it was that they’d done.</p>
<p>“Guess I’ll, uh, get out of your hair,” Noah said then, clearly wising up to the tension in the room.</p>
<p>Amy walked him to the door, feeling Joel’s eyes burning into her back the full way there. Once she’d safely seen Noah off, she turned, pressing her back into the door with a sigh.</p>
<p>“The stuff on the table is for you,” she said, her voice a little weak.</p>
<p>Joel glanced at his payment and she couldn’t tell if he was underwhelmed or just tired. He collapsed onto the couch in a heap, his head falling backwards onto the cushions. Amy circled around it, making her way to the kitchen and wetting a clean rag at the sink before stepping over to Joel. She leaned down, pulling one of his hands forward and pressing at the bruises with the rag, she wiped away some of the blood.</p>
<p>“You guys get into trouble again?” she asked.</p>
<p>Joel inhaled slowly, shutting his eyes. “Just needed to get some information.”</p>
<p>Amy swallowed at the comment and stopped her movements. It was enough for Joel to straighten, he looked at her expression under heavy lids. Waited for her reaction and she waited too. It wasn’t like she thought Joel was necessarily a good man. Wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him kill countless people in the last few months but something about him clearly having tortured someone hit different. Was that something he did often back in Atlanta? Was that how he’d gotten into trouble, why he needed to leave that place just as much as Amy?</p>
<p>She’d long since stopped being afraid of Joel, even when he’d been trying hard to scare her when they’d first gotten to Massachusetts, she knew he wouldn’t hurt her, not really. The sides of him she knew, the softer parts, those were the real him. He guarded that fact, hid his good traits behind several layers of grumpiness and threatening behavior. He could choose to stop, choose his brightness over the dark. Choose her. The fact that he refused to, that he would prefer smuggling and hurting and killing over a potential future where none of that had to happen anymore. Where they could continue as they had been, holding each other not just in the night but throughout the days for as long as they had them. Was it that she wasn’t enough or just that he was too afraid that letting his guard down fully would mean the end?</p>
<p>Joel moved, the hand she wasn’t still holding took the rag from her shaking fingers and her eyes refocused on the present moment. He set it to the side and then tilted her chin up with the same bloodied hand that had been used as a weapon not too long before. He was being effortlessly gentle with her when that was the last thing she wanted. Amy crawled up to him, straddling his lap and sucking his bottom lip into her mouth. Joel flattened his palm against the small of her back, pressing her against him. Amy continued suck and kiss his lips until she felt him growing hard beneath her. Then she bit down, hard.</p>
<p>Joel pulled away, Amy glared darkly at him. An attempt to wear one of his expressions, to use it against him. She watched the confusion grow in his eyes. Good.</p>
<p>Her hands went for his jeans then, unbuttoning them roughly and avoiding his eyes. She scooted back off of him, his hands trying and failing to keep her on his lap. When she pulled his erection out from his pants, Joel flinched a little at the coldness of her hands. Amy quickly warmed him then by sliding his full length into her mouth. She sucked hard, twisting her hand as she bobbed her head. Joel let out a strangled cry immediately. They’d never done this together but she wasn’t without experience giving oral. She used her free hand to squeeze his balls.</p>
<p>“Oh God,” Joel hissed then, his hand gripping her shoulder roughly. Amy looked up at him then, still working him with her mouth. He watched her, lips parted as he breathed heavier and heavier with each passing minute. His grip tightened and she squeezed harder in return, pulling away from him slightly to lick along his length. He twitched against her tongue and she smiled, a half-laugh escaping her after. “Baby,” he breathed out, pleasure twisting his features beautifully. “You gotta stop or I’m gonna—”</p>
<p>She took him deep then, hitting the back of her throat with his swollen head and eliciting a deep groan from Joel. He didn’t let her continue though, shoving her from him and bringing the two of them to their feet.</p>
<p>He made quick work of their clothes, stripping her roughly before pushing her down onto the couch and entering her without ceremony. He lifted her legs up, pinning them up near her shoulders with his arms. He pounded into her a few times before pulling out and rubbing his slick cock against her aching folds in that teasing way she hated. With her legs mostly freed, she used the chance to shift their position, wanting to be on top. She slid back down onto him and Joel tried to kiss her. She turned away from him, burrowing her face into the crook of his neck and riding him hard. Joel grabbed her hips, seeking to control her, slow her down and let this last just a little bit longer. She only bounced harder.</p>
<p>Joel lifted her then, still joined with her, and laid her down onto her back. Amy grunted, both from the new sensation of him on top of her and annoyance at losing control. Joel grabbed her face in one hand, forced her to look at him as he moved in and out of her slowly. Amy reached for his hand, feeling her eyes starting to burn and hating it. He was being too tender, too goddamned soft.</p>
<p>She pulled his hand from her face and guided it down to wrap around her throat, her eyes blazing and wide.</p>
<p>“Fuck me, Joel,” she commanded. She still held his hand on her throat, squeezing just enough to make her head feel fuzzy.</p>
<p>His fingers twitched reluctantly as she pulled away, his eyes trying to read her. She reached behind him, pulling his hips to her at a faster rate through her power alone. Joel grunted but then his fingers dug in a little more and he took back control, fucking her how she wanted.</p>
<p>His grip stayed true on her neck and she let herself moan without caring if someone else in the building heard. Joel too was louder than normal, animalistic and desperate as he chased them both to completion. She felt him twitch inside her, knew what was coming and so she reached down to bring herself with him just a bit faster, her fingers rubbing furious circles on the sensitive bud of her sex.</p>
<p>He used his hold on her throat to bring her mouth up to him, forcing her to kiss him as they both came, her orgasm coming out of her in dizzying, violent waves.</p>
<p>She let his tongue tongue probe into her mouth as he continued to thrust weakly into her freshly filled cunt.</p>
<p>Joel returned her earlier bite then, tugging her lip gently with his teeth before pulling back enough to stare deeply into her eyes. He held the same questioning look as a few nights before and Amy pressed hard against his chest, forcing him off of her. She rolled from the couch and found her clothes where they lay on the dusty floor, carrying them to the bathroom without a glance at Joel.</p>
<p>Amy climbed into the shower, cleaning herself and relishing in the ghost of Joel’s touch on her neck. After several minutes, he entered the room and quietly climbed into the shower behind her. His hands wrapping around her middle as his mouth found the slightly raised hand print on her neck. She didn’t think it would bruise, but part of her wanted it to.</p>
<p>“Talk to me,” he whispered against her skin.</p>
<p>“That’s fucking funny,” she said back, a hollow laugh escaping her. His fingers tightened on her waist before his right hand moved down to explore between her thighs. The bristle of his beard scratched at her neck as he grazed his teeth against her and she sighed softly.</p>
<p>“Talk,” he demanded and she shut her eyes as a finger brazenly plunged into her. A second and then third joined it, stretching her already sore walls. She ground back against him, delighting in the feel of his rough palm as it grazed her clit.</p>
<p>A fourth finger joined the others and Joel had to hold her up to keep her steady against the wet surface of the shower. The way he moved his hand was making the blood beat hard in her ears, deafening her. She’d never been stretched so far, never felt this type of fullness and the sensation of that alone seemed like it would be enough to finish her off again. The mewls of pleasure she was making were absolutely obscene and Joel was very clearly loving every minute of it.</p>
<p>“Amy,” he said then, desperation and lust dripping from the word. It was the first time he’d called her the shorter, more endearing version of her name and she threw her head back against him. Unable to hold herself together as he pumped his fingers in and out of her.</p>
<p>“I don’t wanna leave you,” she cried out, feeling the pull low in her belly that promised she was close. Joel reached his free hand up, digging rough fingers into her hair as he forced their eyes to meet once more.</p>
<p>“Then stay,” he panted before recapturing her mouth and pulling her fully over the edge.</p>
<p>When the shuddering finally abated, she was exhausted and fully out of breath. Joel was still supporting the majority of her weight. All she could do was reach forward to turn off the water before collapsing against him again, her legs were shaking too violently.</p>
<p>Joel wordlessly gathered her up into his arms and carried her, both still fully naked, into one of the bedrooms. She was too overspent to even notice which one. He laid her down, then climbed under the covers with her, headless of their wetness and the chill from the winter cold. He crawled over her, once more entering her with a fresh vigor.</p>
<p>Her mind was still nearly entirely blank as he made love to her with what seemed to be the slowness he’d wanted from her earlier in the night. His kisses were the longest, most lingering and soft they'd ever been. But one small idea kept pushing through.</p>
<p>She absolutely wasn’t staying.</p>
<p>And Joel would never fucking leave.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just...I feel like these two have an insane amount of sex, lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a breaking point :)<br/>film is Moulin Rouge, song is Hallelujah</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>October 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>Once they were back in Jackson, back to normalcy, Amy was almost embarrassed at how she had acted. She’d let herself spiral and had nearly risked everything she’d been building. Joel had kept his distance since they’d been back and she decided her temporary insanity was just a symptom of being on the outside. It was just too similar to the old days. It was addiction, obsession, something toxic and terrible that she felt for Joel. Not love. She didn’t really know him, not enough to be throwing big words around like <em>love</em>. He disarmed her, made her lose the plot from time to time but that was all it ever had been between them.</p>
<p>At least that’s what she told herself when she chickened out when it came to ending things with Rosie. She had come back fully meaning to do it. Had waited till the next morning after they’d gotten back to go and see her. And Rosie had managed to kill the idea with nothing more than a smile.</p>
<p>Amy did not actually care to know whether or not she was lying to herself. He was keeping his distance, being respectful. It made the whole thing easier to ignore. Because Amy had always had trouble telling him no but if he never asked the question again, never touched her in exactly the way she wanted without her asking, then she wouldn’t have to say no. He was doing all of the work for her and she felt grateful. She could be weak still, could occasionally slip into daydreams of him, his hands, his tongue. And it was all okay because he was an idiot who thought she was over it.</p>
<p>Before knowing Joel, Amy had never really understood grudges. The way she felt about him felt like one. All consuming, lasting years with no lost heat to it despite the distance. It was just self-preservation, ignoring her feelings for him. Because if things were different, if she didn’t have Rosie, Amy would let that man destroy her in any way he wanted. And she would probably thank him for it after. It was a thing he seemed to know and act on up until this point, the fact that she wanted every part of him. His rage, his passion, his softness. To learn all the secret things he had kept from her. And she thought he used to want every part of her. Maybe he still did. It didn’t matter either way because he was keeping his fucking distance.</p>
<p>To make matters worse, Maria had taken her off patrol duty for the foreseeable future. Apparently she’d been working herself too hard and Maria thought she needed a break. It made the nightmares worse, made the idea of spending nights with Rosie impossible. Maybe that was for the best, whatever the fuck she and Joel had done outside the walls of Jackson was definitely morally not so great when it came to her relationship with Rosie. Putting some time and space between that event seemed right. She almost wished Rosie was more demanding of her, wished she craved her touch in the way Joel always seemed to. In the way she craved his. Maybe the time apart would make Rosie wisen up, end things for herself so that Amy could continue playing the victim she knew she truly wasn’t. Maybe she had been once but she was too damn grown to still be acting so selfishly about everything. God, she wished therapy was a thing that still existed. Lord knows she needed it.</p>
<p>She’d been giving Eugene the cold shoulder since they’d gotten back as well, maybe it was right for Joel to know about her and Rosie but it certainly hadn’t been Eugene's place to reveal it. If he felt guilty, he was hiding it behind the same old smiles that she had grown to love over the years. Amy knew, deep down, that Eugene only wanted what was best for her. Had only told Joel about Rosie because Joel was wrong for her, he’d managed to drag her into his orbit again and Amy knew she was worse off for it. Eugene must see it too in the way she barely ate, barely went out. The way she pushed people away because she refused to face it all.</p>
<p>It was why she had agreed to go out tonight. Both Rosie and Eugene had teamed up against her, begging she show her face and so she had come to the church. It wasn’t time for the fall festival yet, that was next month, but the community had organized an impromptu gathering after an especially long week. A patrol group had gotten into some trouble, no casualties, but someone had been hurt. Maria and the others thought the party would improve morale a bit. Supplying the stressed residents of Jackson with an overabundance of booze and drowning out their fears with loud music.</p>
<p>It was all a bit much for Amy and so she was tucked away outside, smoking just a bit to calm her nerves. Trying to shove away her annoyance that they’d let some of the more inexperienced, younger people out on patrol when she was just rotting away in town. Working the stables and doing some weapons training with the teens of Jackson instead of actually contributing. If she had been out on that patrol instead, this whole damn thing would have been unnecessary. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d screwed up on patrol duty. The longer they kept her from going out there, the more she worried she’d get rusty. Lose some of the skills she’d had to suffer to gain over the years.</p>
<p>Amy’s hands were shaking as she took another long pull from the joint. Fucking junkie when it came to violence, she needed it to function at this point. It wasn’t a good thing, it just was what it was. Was what she was and she didn’t know how to change that fact.</p>
<p>“Hey,” a small voice called out behind her.</p>
<p>Amy cursed and moved to hide the joint, palming it and burning her hand. She turned to see Ellie, a slightly amused expression on her face.</p>
<p>“Hey kid,” she said, sighing.</p>
<p>“Is that weed?” Ellie asked curiously. She moved to sit beside her on the crate Amy was resting on.</p>
<p>“Uh,” Amy said, trying and failing to come up with a good lie. “Yeah, yes it is.”</p>
<p>Ellie had been one of the teens in the weapons training shifts Amy had been forced to lead. Kid wasn’t terrible with a gun and was even better with a bow. Joel <em>had</em> said she’d saved his ass while they were working their way from Boston. She just hadn’t expected such a small kid to be so effective. But then again, she had traveled with Joel and Amy knew well enough what he was capable of. She supposed she and Ellie had both learned from the best.</p>
<p>“Can I try it?” Ellie asked then.</p>
<p>“Absolutely not,” Amy said without hesitation.</p>
<p>“Why not?” Ellie whined.</p>
<p>“Because you are a child,” Amy said pointedly.</p>
<p>“Oh come on, that’s bullshit. I’m fifteen.”</p>
<p>Amy looked her over and then sighed. “Don’t tell Joel.”</p>
<p>Amy re-lit the joint and handed it to Ellie who squinted at it like she was unsure how to proceed. She took an experimental drag and then coughed violently. Amy patted her on the back and took the offending item back, if one hit was enough for Joel then it was certainly enough for Ellie.</p>
<p>“Joel drag you here or was it the other way around?” Amy asked then, taking a few more puffs while Ellie worked to regain her composure enough to answer. She cleared her throat.</p>
<p>Amy had noticed him inside the church, had tried to avoid staring at him. The night he'd arrived in Jackson, the last time they'd been in that church together pulled itself to mind and she'd had to shake herself out of a shame spiral at the thought of it.</p>
<p>“It was actually Tommy,” Ellie said at last, her voice a bit hoarse. “He dragged Joel who then dragged me. He wants me to make friends but I don’t know…”</p>
<p>“There’s plenty of kids around your age in Jackson,” Amy observed lazily, the pot was starting to make her head foggy. Finally.</p>
<p>“Yeah I just…I don’t know,” Ellie pulled a face and Amy smiled encouragingly. “It’s weird being at one of these things, so many people packed together. It all just feels kinda loud. I guess I’m still getting used to being with so many people who aren’t Joel.”</p>
<p>Amy laughed a bit at that. She knew the fucking feeling. “I get that,” she said, taking one final puff before putting the joint out on the crate. “Hence me being out here.”</p>
<p>“And hence the weed,” Ellie added.</p>
<p>“Indeed.”</p>
<p>“Is Rosie coming?” Ellie asked when Amy hopped down. “I didn’t see her inside.”</p>
<p>“Uh, yeah, just running a bit late, I suppose.” Amy rolled her shoulders. Ellie was biting her fingernails, her brow furrowed. “Hey,” Amy said then, pulling the kid out of her head for her own sake. “You feeling okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, just kinda dizzy.”</p>
<p>“Let’s go get you some water,” Amy said, ushering them both back into the warmth of the church.</p>
<p>Rosie was still nowhere to be seen but her eyes fell on Joel where he was standing alone at the back of the room. He didn’t have a drink and she decided to amend that. She made sure to get Ellie the promised glass of water and then encouraged her to go talk to a group of young girls who were standing near the food table. It was full of home cooked meals, potluck rules. Amy hadn't brought anything, deciding to spare the residents of Jackson from suffering over her poor cooking skills.</p>
<p>She grabbed two beers and stepped smoothly through the crowd, Joel caught sight of her from across the room and watched her carefully as she approached.</p>
<p>“Here,” she said, holding out one of the bottles. He took it with a small smile.</p>
<p>“Thank you kindly,” he said, lifting it up slightly in gratitude before taking a sip.</p>
<p>Amy moved to his side, leaned back against the pew that was pressed against the wall to make room for dancing in the center of the room. There were lights hanging from the wooden beams up above, making the space feel a bit magical.</p>
<p>“Haven’t seen you around much lately,” she said then, tentatively stealing a glance at his profile.</p>
<p>Joel wasted some time by taking another sip before answering. He took a small breath, tensing a bit before letting it out. His whole body relaxed then and he turned to look at her.</p>
<p>“Been keeping busy,” he said.</p>
<p>Amy pursed her lips and nodded, looking away.</p>
<p>“You been doing alright?” he asked then and something about the tenderness of his voice made her heart stutter. It almost made her want to be honest.</p>
<p>“Same old shit, different day.”</p>
<p>Joel chuckled at that. “Glad to know you got everything you ever wanted and still ain’t happy.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” she said, turning to him and smacking him on the arm. “Fuck off with your insight, old man.”</p>
<p>Joel laughed again and brought his beer to his lips with a knowing look at her. Amy tried to scowl at him but failed massively. The way the string lights made his skin glow was too distracting. She forced herself to look away and spotted Tommy and Maria dancing in a far off corner of the room. They looked happy, content in a way she couldn’t imagine ever being. Joel followed her gaze and sighed. She felt him tense a bit beside her and then he nudged her with his arm.</p>
<p>“You planning on going out there?” he asked and Amy bit her lip.</p>
<p>“Are you?” she threw back at him. Unsure if she wanted him to ask her to dance or if that would just screw things up more. Could they dance as just friends without the world exploding?</p>
<p>Joel clicked his tongue thoughtfully. “Someone asks me, I might.”</p>
<p>Amy glanced around the room again, there were plenty of single women in Jackson. Many of them nearer to Joel's age than Amy. And she’d more than once overheard a few of them talking about the town’s newest bachelor. It still made her stomach ache, thinking of him with anyone but her. She drowned the feeling with more of her beer and noticed Joel was still watching her.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Where’s your girl?” The question was probably harmless.</p>
<p>“Starting to worry she might have ditched me,” Amy said, almost wishing it was true. She was high enough that if Rosie didn’t show up soon she might do something stupid. “I have a confession to make,” she said then, doing her best to gauge Joel’s mood as she said it. He seemed calm, despite the number of people in the room. She couldn't imagine he felt any easier in crowds than Ellie did but maybe she was a good distraction.</p>
<p>Joel changed his posture, turning a bit more towards her with a curious expression. His eyes flicked down to her lips where she was wetting them, preparing to say more.</p>
<p>“I may or may not have let Ellie smoke weed,” she blurted out, a bit nervously.</p>
<p>Clearly not what he was expecting, Joel huffed a laugh of surprise and then squeezed the bridge of his nose. “How’d that go?”</p>
<p>“Typical coughing fit, she was a bit lightheaded,” Amy said, pleased he wasn’t upset with her. “Made sure she got some water after and that she didn’t overdo it. She was feeling overwhelmed by all the people and I figured it might help take the edge off.”</p>
<p>Joel was searching the room now, looking for the teenager. “Well, look at that,” he said, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Amy looked where he was staring, saw Ellie and one of the girls she'd left her with laughing together. She guessed she finally worked up the nerve to try and do the friend thing. Amy smiled and Joel turned back to her, a full beautiful grin met his eyes as he looked at her. “Ain’t seen her laugh like that in a while,” he said then, “Thank you.”</p>
<p>“No problem, giving drugs to kids is my specialty,” she said with a laugh.</p>
<p>“Maybe don’t make a habit of it,” Joel added, attempting to retain the role of responsible adult. God, he was such a dad, wasn’t he? It still caught her off guard. It was like a missing puzzle piece, finally slotted back and doing its part to fill in the bigger picture of who Joel was at his core.</p>
<p>They fell back into silence, arms resting against each other casually while they watched the crowd of revelers having a good time. Amy let herself relax, leaning into him a bit more and letting her high take hold. She shut her eyes and swayed with the music, some folksy sounding country thing was playing.</p>
<p>“Thought you hated country?” Joel asked at length.</p>
<p>Amy opened her eyes slowly, waited a moment for them to adjust to the light and then turned to him. “Some of it isn’t terrible,” she said softly, a little touched that he remembered such a small detail from so long ago. Yet another one, back from before they were even anything to each other. “Plus I’m pretty stoned, there isn’t much that wouldn’t feel good right now.” Joel raised a brow at her and she rolled her eyes. “Pervert.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t say a damn thing,” he teased, smile growing as her cheeks turned pink.</p>
<p>“I hate your fucking guts,” she said unconvincingly, laughing against her will. Her own grin was making it hard to pretend to be annoyed. Joel nudged her, pulled her gaze back to him in time for the flash of a camera to capture the moment. Amy blinked a bit then turned to see Rosie holding a Polaroid camera in her hands. Shit.</p>
<p>Rosie stepped closer, shaking the photo once it printed.</p>
<p>“You made it,” Amy said, all previous joy sinking to the floor as guilt returned.</p>
<p>“Couldn’t find this thing, had to dig through the attic,” she said back, holding up the camera. Rosie stepped closer and pressed her lips to Amy’s cheek, they were still warm and she wondered if Rosie could feel that. If she even had to when they were probably still as red as the devil. When Rosie pulled back, there was something to the tilt of her mouth that was odd, almost disapproving. “You smell nice.”</p>
<p>Amy laughed awkwardly, of course she probably reeked of weed. “I didn’t finish it if you want some.”</p>
<p>“I think I’m okay,” Rosie declined. She set the camera down on the pew and looked at the freshly developed photo. “Wow.”</p>
<p>Amy’s heart felt like it was in a vice as Rosie showed her the image. The way she and Joel were looking at each other was damning, at least in her mind. She couldn’t remember ever seeing her own smile so big. And Joel’s…they looked like a couple who were very much in love. Like they always had been.</p>
<p>“Can I see it?” Joel asked then, leaning forward and a little too much into her space. Rosie let him take it.</p>
<p>Amy was having trouble breathing, the room was back to feeling just a little too crowded. She looked at Joel as he took in the photo, saw the smile that only just met his eyes. There was a sadness to it that she couldn’t define. Something wistful, longing maybe.</p>
<p>“You mind if I keep this?” he asked then.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, man,” Rosie started with a shake of her head. “Smile like that on Amy is pretty rare, what are you willing to trade for it?”</p>
<p>Joel cleared his throat, took a swig of his beer before answering. “Name the price.”</p>
<p>Amy felt exposed and itchy. Like everything that had happened between her and Joel was somehow on display just within one fucking photo. She wasn’t used to feeling so vulnerable so openly and the paranoia in her mind had her glancing around the room to see if anyone had noticed. Part of her wanted Rosie to give the picture to Joel, just so no one else could take the time to get a good look at it. To draw conclusions and for them to be the correct ones.</p>
<p>Ellie, apparently having noticed that Rosie had arrived, walked up to their little group. Rosie turned to her with a smile as a greeting and squeezed the teenager’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Ellie says you’re a good singer, how about a song?” Rosie said then.</p>
<p>“Right now?” Joel asked, a bit taken aback. His eyes flicked to Amy, seeming to notice her discomfort at last. She had more or less caved in on herself in an attempt to make herself smaller. And she could tell he wanted to comfort her, pull her away from this situation and make her feel better.</p>
<p>“You guys could come over for a movie,” Ellie chimed in, “Joel could sing for you then.”</p>
<p>“Ellie,” both Amy and Joel said at once.</p>
<p>“What?” Ellie said, apparently feeling bold thanks to the weed in her system. She turned to Amy, her brow furrowed. “You said a few weeks ago you would.”</p>
<p>“I think that sounds perfect,” Rosie added, pulling Amy’s hand into her own. She gestured towards Joel. “Photo’s yours.”</p>
<p>Amy saw something strange in Joel’s eyes as Rosie dragged Amy onto the dance floor. The other woman pulled Amy’s arms around her waist and tilted her head to the side, studying her face.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Rosie asked, concern clear in her voice. But there was no sign that she sensed anything strange between her and Joel even if it was so blindingly obvious to her.</p>
<p>“Paranoia’s kicking in, that’s all. Smoked too much,” she said, flustered but not exactly lying.</p>
<p>As they danced, Amy kept stealing glances of Joel where he still stood at the back of the church. More than once she caught him watching her, all the joy from earlier gone as he stood stiffly all on his own. Ellie had returned to her newly made friends.</p>
<p>Joel met Amy’s eyes with an intensity that shouldn’t have been possible at such a distance and she had to force herself to turn away. Something about him standing alone made her infinitely sad and she hated that it felt like she was flaunting Rosie in front of him. If he felt anywhere near the way she felt at the thought of him with someone else, she didn’t want that.</p>
<p>And holy fuck, how the hell was she going to get herself out of the movie thing? She’d barely been able to be in the same space with both of them for a few minutes. There was no way in hell she’d survive a whole movie. Even if a large part of her desperately wanted to hear Joel sing. She couldn’t even picture it. Given his speaking voice though, she imagined it would do terrible things to her. Maybe he’d chicken out, maybe Rosie would let him.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Later that week, Rosie and Amy were making their way to Joel’s and Amy was struggling to put one foot in front of the other. She hoped the panic she’d felt back at the church had been mostly from the pot, that she would be able to handle an hour or two without completely losing it.</p>
<p>Rosie, if she noticed her hesitance, was allowing it go unremarked upon. Another reason to be grateful for the woman. Even if it also felt like a lack of care. Like she would always let Amy suffer in silence, unlike Joel who had a tendency to pull her out of her head. Force her to talk when he knew she needed to. Fuck.</p>
<p>Rosie gave her hand a simple squeeze as they made their way up Joel’s porch steps and then she knocked before Amy could take a breath to settle her nerves. Joel met them at the door, opening it with a soft smile.</p>
<p>“Ladies,” he said, giving them space to step inside. There was a fire burning in the dining room, an attempt to beat the chill. Amy began removing her coat and Joel slid behind her, wordlessly helping her out of it and placing it on the rack by the door.</p>
<p>The gesture didn’t have to be more than it was but the comfort with which he removed it just reminded her of all the other times he’d helped her out of her clothes.</p>
<p>“Rosie,” Ellie called from the living room, Amy could see her kneeling on the floor, sorting through old VHS tapes. “Help me pick a movie, I can’t decide.”</p>
<p>Rosie sighed softly and stepped away, leaving Amy and Joel alone in the hall. She looked up, putting her thumbs in her pockets and smiling awkwardly.</p>
<p>“You eat dinner already?” he asked her, giving her a once over.</p>
<p>Amy shook her head and he pulled her towards the kitchen with a gentle grip on her wrist. Joel took out what appeared to be leftovers from his and Ellie’s dinner.</p>
<p>She stepped to the fridge, seeing the Polaroid photo of the two of them pinned there. It pained her, seeing it again and realizing that he’d put it in a place he’d likely see multiple times a day. He caught her looking as he readied to heat up the cold food.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to,” she started, not wanting him to dirty any dishes or put in the extra effort. “I can eat it cold.”</p>
<p>“You sure?” he asked, sounding doubtful.</p>
<p>She didn’t bother answering, just took the container from him and rummaged around for a fork. She hopped onto the island and set the food in her lap, taking a few bites before she realized he was staring at her.</p>
<p>“You pick out a song for Rosie?” she asked to fill the silence.</p>
<p>Joel huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. “Got a few ideas, gonna save it for the end of the night.”</p>
<p>“I bet if you get her drunk, she’ll forget you promised to sing.”</p>
<p>“Thanks for the tip,” Joel said with a smile. “Speaking of,” he said, casually stepping into the dining room. He brought back a bottle of whiskey, questioning her wordlessly. She nodded and he poured them both a glass. Amy took her glass but set it to the side while she finished off her dinner.</p>
<p>Rosie met them in the kitchen as she was taking her final bites.</p>
<p>“We’re going with a musical,” she said, “Figured it fits with the theme of the night.”</p>
<p>“Oh brother,” Joel muttered, taking Amy’s dish and setting it in the sink. She hopped down, fully prepared to wash it for him but he stopped her with a glare. “Leave it.”</p>
<p>Amy rolled her eyes and let Rosie pull her into the living room. Joel followed after and, as Amy and Rosie were making themselves comfortable on the couch, he brought her forgotten glass of whiskey. He handed it to her with a wink and made his way over to where Ellie was sitting in a comfy looking arm chair.</p>
<p>“Up,” he said to her, firm but not mean.</p>
<p>“But this is the best seat,” she complained.</p>
<p>“Which is why I’m taking it.”</p>
<p>Ellie groaned but did as she was told, stepping over to sit on the other side of Rosie on the couch. The movie had already been started, a few trailers were playing and Amy took her first sip of her drink, handing it to Rosie after who hissed at the strong liquor as she swallowed it down.</p>
<p>The movie began by telling its ending, one of the main characters was going to die. And then it started in earnest and within thirty minutes Ellie had passed out, probably lulled into unconsciousness by the love story at the heart of the film. Amy scooted down to sit on the floor, making room for Ellie’s sleeping form to stretch out when Rosie took her vacated spot.</p>
<p>Rosie squeezed Amy’s shoulders from above and Amy barely noticed it. The film had fully pulled her in with all the bright colors and song lyrics she knew had been taken from songs she grew up listening to.</p>
<p>It was in a particularly tense scene near what had to be close to the end that Amy had to leave the room. Making an excuse that she needed the restroom. One of the characters had been singing about jealousy and it hit just a little too close to home for her. The intensity of it had her heart pounding in her chest.</p>
<p>Amy wet her face, massaging the liquid into her skin as she tried to steady her breathing. By the time she came back out again, the house was silent. She looked into the living room to see that both Ellie and Joel were gone.</p>
<p>“He carried her off to bed,” Rosie said from the sofa. “Gonna grab his guitar next, said we can finish the movie another time.”</p>
<p>“Right.” She was standing in the archway that led into the hall and pressed her shoulder into the wooden frame for stability. Rosie stood then, walking over to her and massaging Amy’s arm.</p>
<p>“You okay?”</p>
<p>“We’ll talk later,” she said, still feeling a little shaky.</p>
<p>She wondered if Rosie had known the film was a romance, if she thought it would be nice to watch together. Not realizing that some of it had brought up feelings and memories of Joel. Of the times before, the way it had been in the rare times when things had been good. And, of course, some of the times when it had been terrible and hard. And more recent memories of how angry and jealous she had gotten when Esther had shown Joel too much attention. It wasn’t getting fucking easier and every goddamn thing kept reminding her of him. She couldn’t even escape him in her dreams.</p>
<p>Speaking of the devil, her tormentor walked back inside and held up a hand, asking them both for just another few seconds of patience. He took the steps, two at a time and when he returned back down them he was holding the guitar she’d last seen resting by his record player. A flash of that night popped into Amy’s head, of the way he had looked between her thighs and the feel of Joel’s tongue plunging into her. The scratch of his beard on her hot sex.</p>
<p>Her cheeks grew warm again as they bloomed blood red. Amy moved for the coffee table, for her still full glass of whiskey and she drained it quickly.</p>
<p>Joel stepped into the living room and seated himself on the footstool that sat in front of his chair. Rosie sat back down on the couch, relaxing into the cushions and Amy retook her place against the archway, giving herself plenty of space to flee if Joel's singing became too much for her.</p>
<p>He positioned the guitar in his lap carefully, and then made eye contact with Rosie. “You’re lucky that picture turned out so good, I ain’t ever doing this again.”</p>
<p>Rosie laughed but nodded. “Understood.”</p>
<p>Joel took a moment to warm up his fingers and then began to play a familiar tune.</p>
<p>“<em>I heard there was a secret chord</em>,” Joel began, his voice gravelly and giving off just the smallest hint that he was nervous. He continued singing, his fingers plucking the strings with a delicate care that she hadn’t thought him capable of, all the bodies she’d seen beaten bloody by those hands…it just didn’t seem possible that they could be used to create something so beautiful too.</p>
<p>But then she remembered how he worked them so well in bed, the vast array of different levels of pressure and dexterity he was capable of.</p>
<p>She let herself get lost in his voice, shutting her eyes to it to keep them from stinging too much as the song went on.</p>
<p>“<em>Well baby, I’ve been here before</em>,” he sang then and Amy’s eyes opened at the pet name he used so regularly with her. His eyes were on her as he sang it and her throat tightened, tears threatened to fall. She wrapped her arms around herself, squeezing tight.</p>
<p>When Joel finished the song, he sighed heavily, now avoiding both of their eyes. She’d thought she had seen him vulnerable before now. Thought she knew enough of him to think she’d seen the extent of the range of his personality. But him singing and playing guitar, it was like he’d let her finally get a peek at his soul, at the brightness he still housed there, hidden by the dark, shadowed to protect it but it was there all the same. She saw it now, behind the way he self-consciously reached to scratch at his neck.</p>
<p>It was another puzzle piece and she couldn’t help but feel her heart break at the realization.</p>
<p>Rosie gave a small round of applause, standing.</p>
<p>Joel tilted his head to the side bashfully before lifting his gaze to Amy. Her eyes were blurring from the tears in them, her lips quivering traitorously. Joel set the guitar down carefully, standing next but not moving from his spot.</p>
<p>Amy swiped at her cheek when the first tear fell.</p>
<p>“That bad?” he asked carefully, attempting to play off the deep way the song had hit her.</p>
<p>“Amy,” Rosie said then, worried now that she finally saw her.</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” she said, sniffling and wiping the other cheek. “I just really like that song, that’s all.”</p>
<p>Rosie rushed over to her and wrapped her arms around her and then that had her sobbing in earnest. Rosie shushed her, rocking her a little and rubbing the back of her head.</p>
<p>“Hey, talk to me,” she whispered and all Amy could do was lift her head enough to see Joel looking extraordinarily guilty, like he’d done something wrong. Like it was his fault, her always pushing him away and blaming him for shit that wasn’t his fucking fault. Putting her own interpretation into his actions and intentions when she had no right to.</p>
<p>The way he was standing reminded her of back in Boston, back when he refused to meet her eyes when she’d called him out on what he had done. But this time it was different, she was the bad guy. It just made her cry harder and she felt Rosie turn her head towards Joel. “I’m sorry, I’m gonna take her home.”</p>
<p>“Right,” he said, his voice cracking.</p>
<p>Rosie pulled back, not letting go of her and they left through the front door. It was cold, Rosie hadn’t thought to grab Amy’s coat before they were out and Amy had been too distraught to think of it. And she sure as hell wasn’t going to go back for it now. She let Rosie be her warmth as they walked.</p>
<p>Rosie opened the door for her, taking great care as she made Amy sit on her tiny, shitty little bed. She left her there and came back with a glass of water. Amy drank it, chugging it sloppily in the hopes that she could get herself back together.</p>
<p>Beyond the outburst being embarrassing, she knew she was going to have to explain it. Rosie knelt in front of her, her fingers massaging circles into her palms.</p>
<p>When Amy was finally breathing normally, she met the other woman’s eyes which were so full of concern she almost broke down again. Her lower lip quivered and Rosie traced a thumb along it with a sad smile.</p>
<p>“What’s going on?” she asked, like she truly cared and wanted to help make it better.</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip and looked at the other woman sadly. She had to be honest or this shit would just keep happening.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she said, her throat still thick with emotion. She hung her head a little, sniffling. “I thought I could do this.”</p>
<p>“Do what?” she moved to sit beside her on the bed, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Amy’s ear.</p>
<p>“I tried to make it go away, I wanted to.” Amy started back up and then turned to face her, huffing when she saw her do that damn smile again. The one that had stopped her confession only weeks before. “I’m in love with someone else, I think I always have been it just…”</p>
<p>Rosie smile faded but she didn’t look angry. More like something was clicking in her head for the very first time. She frowned.</p>
<p>“Joel?”</p>
<p>Amy’s breath hitched in her throat.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Rosie said, cupping her face in one hand. Amy leaned against it, shutting her eyes. “It’s okay that this didn’t work, Amy. We were friends before, it’s not like we can’t go back to that.”</p>
<p>Amy looked at her again, almost upset that she wasn’t angry. That she’d been torturing herself for weeks over nothing.</p>
<p>“I get it,” Rosie went on. “Something in you changed as soon as he showed up, kinda assumed there had to be something more going on. Just didn’t know what it was, so I appreciate you telling me.”</p>
<p>“Too fucking late,” Amy bit back, being angry at herself since Rosie refused to be.</p>
<p>“Not a lot of people get second chances anymore, Amy. Not like this. You thought you lost everything from before coming to Jackson and now you finally got something back. I don’t think that’s a thing you should overlook or fight against. I want you happy, okay? If that’s not gonna happen with me, then I’ll be just fine on my own,” Rosie said and Amy searched her face for a lie. Not finding one, she fell into her, pressing her lips to hers. It was less sexual and more about gratitude. For always being so good to her even when she didn't deserve it. Rosie kissed her back but then pulled away. “If you need someone to talk to, you know I’m always here.”</p>
<p>Amy nodded, feeling tears threatening again. God, she’d never deserved Rosie and her handling of this whole thing just proved it beyond any doubt. After every awful thing that she had done, every terrorizing mile she’d trekked to find this place, it still managed to surprise her. The people here, the kindness and warmth. This was what she had been so afraid of? Acceptance? She was so damn used to burying everything deep down and not letting anyone too close. So used to lying to herself to keep herself from hurting.</p>
<p>The worst part was still coming and she knew it. She still had to tell Joel. Still had to face the demons of their past, own up to her own mistakes and properly forgive his as well as her own. Unwind the pain of the last ten years, all of the things that had happened since she left him behind in Boston. All the things she had found it so easy to blame on him.</p>
<p>Rosie wrapped her arm around her and rested her head on Amy’s shoulder, sitting with her until late into the night. Until the shame and the fear quieted enough for her to finally get some rest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ellie passing out thirty minutes into the movie is me back in 2001 when I first saw that movie. Woke up to my aunt sobbing at the end of it, lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter is pretty short but the next one is long so just the one today. It's a big thematically.<br/>also have a song rec: Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby by Cigarettes After Sex (kind of a Joel theme for this fic, and if you want vibe spoilers and a title for the sequel look up Apocalypse by the same band)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>November 2023, Boston</p>
<p>A few more days passed, Joel continued going out into the city, slowly growing acquainted with the place while she was left at the apartment alone. Noah had come back again and they had officially set the date for them to leave the zone at the end of the current week. Joel walked in as they were discussing the plan, he was clearly eavesdropping on every detail as he pretended to be shuffling around for something in the kitchen. When Noah finally left, Amy expected Joel to get upset. To bring up the night he’d asked her to stay. The night she hadn’t said no.</p>
<p>But he didn’t.</p>
<p>The only sign that he was somewhat irritated was the way his shoulders went rigid and the gruffness in his tone when he let her know that dinner was ready.</p>
<p>The next time Joel returned to the apartment after a job with Tess, he was in a very uncharacteristically good mood. Amy was making their dinner for once and he pulled her into his arms from behind, pressing his lips to her neck. She felt him smile against her skin.</p>
<p>“What’s got you feeling so good?” she asked, attempting to brush him away. He held her steadily.</p>
<p>“Just had a particularly good haul today,” he said, biting her a little.</p>
<p>Amy sighed, melting into him just a bit before finally swatting him away.</p>
<p>She’d been attempting to mostly keep him at a distance since learning of the final plan for leaving Boston. Not wanting her willpower to falter any more than it already had. Joel, for the most part, hadn’t pushed her or even brought up the subject of her leaving. Hadn’t done more than just hold her in the night so him once again being handsy was a red flag of some sort, though what kind exactly she didn’t know.</p>
<p>Joel moved over to the kitchen table where he’d left his backpack. He pulled out a bottle of scotch and raised it up proudly. Amy chuckled at him but continued to stir their dinner on the stove.</p>
<p>“Let me finish cooking,” he said then, taking the spoon from her hand and pushing her gently to the side. “You find us some clean glasses.”</p>
<p>Too tired to argue, Amy did as she was told, pulling out some cups from the cabinet and rinsing them off in the sink. She filled them and handed one to Joel where he stood at the stove. She hopped up onto the counter and watched him over the rim of her glass. He seemed lighter somehow, humming a bit as he finished up their food. It was strange, like he was a completely different person suddenly and she didn’t know how to feel.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like Boston was the first time they’d stayed in one place for a long-ish period of time. Wasn’t like he didn’t still go out and face dangers but something, somehow had changed. Maybe Joel was just finally accepting that she was leaving and had made his peace with it.</p>
<p>Not that Joel seemed like the type of person who ever really felt at peace with anything. Amy might start to think something had happened between him and Tess if he hadn’t immediately come home and put his arms around her. Something in the pit of her stomach twinged at that word suddenly.</p>
<p><em>Home</em>.</p>
<p>A bad line of thinking for her, this wasn’t home. Maybe it would be for Joel long-term but for her it was a fucking bus station. She was just passing through, a short stop before she found what she was looking for. Still, something reckless in her heart wondered why it couldn’t be more. Why her home couldn’t be found in a person.</p>
<p>Amy drained her scotch and set the glass down, the peaty taste made her shiver and Joel looked over at her with a genuine sort of affection that she wasn’t used to. Fuck.</p>
<p>He switched off the burner and set the pot to the side to cool a bit. Then he stepped over to where she sat, still on the counter. He nudged her legs open and placed himself between them, hands anchoring him on either side of her. He moved to kiss her and she turned her head away with a sigh.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she breathed out when he simply moved to kiss her jaw instead, he hummed against her in reply. “Tell me something about you that I don’t know,” the scotch was swirling in her blood, it’d been long enough without hard liquor that it was hitting her fast and hard. “Something real.”</p>
<p>Joel pulled back, his eyes dancing slightly as he looked her over. Always trying to read her nowadays, when the hell did that start? He took a few moments to consider the question, to dig a bit into places he preferred to avoid from the look on his face.</p>
<p>“I had a wife,” he said then, a bit sadly. “Long before the outbreak.”</p>
<p>Amy took in his face, the way she could see an old heartbreak clear in his eyes. In the set of his mouth. She wanted to kiss him, wanted to hold him and never let go. “What happened?” she asked, not expecting him to say, knowing even asking questions in the first place was a risk with Joel. But his mood was new and she had a disastrous addiction to playing with fire.</p>
<p>“She left me,” he said with a sad smile. And she saw it in his eyes that he still meant what he said in the shower, he wanted her there in Boston. With him. And part of her wanted to stay even if it was only for him. It’d kill her eventually, he’d learn to hate her when whatever it was between them eventually burned out. Then she’d resent him and he her. This was never going to be a love story. It had been a mistake from the start but in this particular moment, she was fully his and she thought he might call himself hers.</p>
<p>Amy put a hand to Joel’s cheek and tilted her head up to kiss him, tender and slow and perfect. Joel wrapped his arms around her then, lifted her and she tightened her legs around his waist as he carried her over to the couch. He set her down, his hands moving for the button on her jeans. When he pulled away from her, he lifted her shirt slightly, kissing her belly and tugging her pants down. She met his eyes and words she could never say danced at the back of her tongue.</p>
<p>“What about dinner?” she said instead, breathless.</p>
<p>“Rather taste you,” Joel said in response, his familiar growl burning a hole in her core.</p>
<p>He spread her wide for him and kissed the insides of her thighs, licking wet hot lines of desire onto her skin. He was taking his time, and truth be told she didn’t mind watching him, feeling his beard tickling at her sensitive flesh. A finger hooked her underwear and pulled. When they were off she watched his eyes widen as he stared hungrily at her nakedness.</p>
<p>“Baby,” he said then, meeting her eyes with a lascivious smile. “I ever tell you you’ve got the prettiest pussy I ever did see?”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” she laughed, feeling just a tad self-conscious.</p>
<p>He brought his hot mouth to her thigh again, his beard now tickling her exposed lips as he did so, she tried and failed to contain the small gasp the sensation pulled out of her. Joel chuckled deeply, repeating his movements to the other thigh. Fucker loved to tease her, even now when they only had a few more days left. She was about two seconds from shoving his face where she wanted him when a loud knocking came from the door to the apartment.</p>
<p>Joel pulled his head away, concern now coloring his face where only seconds before he had been flush with lust. Amy was frozen, confused and half wanting to ignore the sounds but knowing that whatever or whoever it was could only be there for something bad.</p>
<p>“Amy, it’s me,” Noah’s voice. She stood then, Joel climbed back to his feet and readjusted himself in his pants with a grunt. Amy found her jeans and began to pull them on roughly, kicking her discarded underwear under the couch in a hurry.</p>
<p>“Gimme a minute,” she called out to Noah. When she finally made it to the door, still breathless but now for an entirely new reason, Noah didn’t hesitate to shove himself inside. There was an odd sort of worry to his face that she didn’t like.</p>
<p>“They got Charlie,” he said, breathing heavy like he might have run there.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>Somewhere behind her, Joel remained silent.</p>
<p>Noah moved to the table that sat in the kitchen, found the bottle of Scotch and poured himself a glass.</p>
<p>“Somehow they figured out someone was planning to desert, someone pointed a finger at Charlie and they took him in.” He took a long gulp and set the cup back down. “They’re questioning him now.”</p>
<p>“What does that mean?” she asked, her heart sinking as the whole world started to spin wildly around her. “Would one of the other guys rat you out like that?”</p>
<p>Noah sighed, shaking his head. “No, they’d fucking know better. I don’t know how it happened but it means I can’t make any sudden moves. They catch me doing anything shady and they’ll get me to.”</p>
<p>“Well, what does that mean for Charlie,” she said, her voice was shaking now.</p>
<p>“He keeps quiet, manages to convince them that it isn’t true, they might let him back out after a while.”</p>
<p>Amy felt her legs begin wobbling beneath her and sat down at the table clumsily. Noah reached for her hands, gripping them reassuringly. Everything was falling apart and she didn’t know what to think. If Charlie told them anything, even to save his own ass, the others would be arrested and likely executed. And it would be her fault for coming to them in the first place.</p>
<p>“Look, this doesn’t change anything. We are still doing this, I just need more time for this to blow over. Give me a week, maybe two. We do what we can to get supplies but it might just…well, it might be a little harder than is ideal. We might have to leave with less.”</p>
<p>Was this a sign from the universe that everything about her desire for a better life was futile? That it had always been harebrained from the start and that she should have listened to Joel all along? That despite everything she knew would come if she stayed in the zone, it was better than dying outside its walls from some hunter or turning into one of the fucking infected. Better than getting all the others who had agreed to leave with her killed as well.</p>
<p>Amy pulled her hands from Noah and looked back to Joel where he still stood near the couch. An odd sort of something to his entire being as he avoided her eyes. Something clicked then and the entire world fell down around her, she shut her eyes.</p>
<p>“Amy?” Noah said softly.</p>
<p>“Okay,” she breathed out. “Thanks for coming,” there was a weakness to her voice as she barely managed to say the words without losing herself entirely.</p>
<p>“I gotta get back,” he said then, looking at her like he knew that inwardly she was on the verge of falling apart. “I promise, this is just a hiccup. I’ll come back when I can.”</p>
<p>Amy followed him to the door, shutting it once he was gone and pressing her forehead to the cold wood. She took a steadying breath before turning back to Joel slowly. He still hadn’t moved and suddenly seemed incredibly interested in the carpet. Her eyes were swelling with tears now but she wouldn’t let them fall.</p>
<p>“What did you do?” she croaked out.</p>
<p>Joel slowly looked up, his eyes distant but soft. “What do you mean?” his voice feigned innocence and Amy had to bite back a disbelieving laugh.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” she hissed then, shutting her eyes. She put her head in her hands in an attempt to calm herself, to keep herself from tumbling to the floor. Joel moved swiftly to her, wrapping her in his arms like that was even close to a thing that she wanted. She was just quick enough to move her hands in time to press them against his chest. She shoved with what was left of her strength and spun away from him, heading for the door. Just as she opened it, Joel slammed it shut, pinning her between him and the wood.</p>
<p>“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he asked, not attempting to hide his anger.</p>
<p>“Going after Noah,” she bit back. “I’m not fucking staying here with you.”</p>
<p>“It’s past curfew,” Joel said, reigning himself back in and turning her to face him. “You aren’t going anywhere, alright?”</p>
<p>“Fuck you, Joel.”</p>
<p>He shook his head, biting on his lower lip before he took a step backward. He raised his hands in surrender, some sort of act to calm her down but she wasn’t fucking having it. Amy raised a fist, swinging it through the air futilely. Joel caught her wrist, of course, and used it to drag her further away from the door.</p>
<p>“Stop it,” he said as she started beating at his chest with her free hand. “Amy, stop.”</p>
<p>“You did this,” she spat at him, tears now freely falling. He didn’t have to admit to it if he didn’t want to, she could read it on his face. Could retroactively tell it from his earlier mood. Too fucking happy and loving. He really thought he’d figured out a way to keep her.</p>
<p>Joel let go of her and she backed herself into a corner, pressing herself into it and wiping at her cheeks. He turned away for a moment before his shoulders sank and he met her eyes with that familiar hardness that she hadn’t seen in weeks.</p>
<p>“Fine.” His voice was steady, and he took two looming, darkened steps toward her. “I gave them a name, pay was too good not to. And considering what your friend thought was a fitting reward for getting you here in one piece, I think I was justified in getting what I’m owed in whatever way I needed.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you fucking pretend that had anything to do with it,” she growled at him, bowing up to get in his face. She wanted to fight him, wanted to run and never see his face again. After everything, he was really trying to make her think this was about the shit she’d promised him back in Atlanta when up until this point he hadn’t complained about it once. Pushing her away at the same time as he was trying to force her to stay. “You know they execute soldiers for this kind of thing, if he gets killed—”</p>
<p>“Don’t act like you give a shit about any of those people’s safety,” Joel interrupted, stepping closer. Amy pressed her back harder into the wall to keep some distance between them. Joel only closed it further. “You know full well you’re asking all of them to risk worse than whatever FEDRA might punish them with.”</p>
<p>He glowered at her, letting the cruelty of his words sink in. His lips parted then and something shifted as he set his hands on the wall beside her, locking her between his arms.</p>
<p>“I can take care of us,” he said, voice softening. “I’ll turn all of them over to FEDRA if it means you get to stay alive and safe behind these goddamn walls.” There was still the threat to his demeanor, still the harshness but now it was different. Pleading with a molasses quality to his voice, instead of the old, brighter honey she had grown so used to. He leaned forward, hovering his lips beside her ear. “I’ll lock you up in here with me if I have to but I ain’t letting you go. I can’t stand the thought of you dying out there in the cold.”</p>
<p>He lingered there for a moment and Amy slid her hand up onto his chest. She wasn’t sure if he meant it, if he truly cared about the idea of her safety or if he just wanted to possess her. To have her all for himself to use up and toss out when he finally got bored of her. If it was something deeper, an actual affection then he would go with her when she left, wouldn't he? Not threaten her and the people who actually believed in what she was doing. Either way, there was no way out as things stood now. And if he was too goddamn pathetic to just admit to his true feelings, she’d use them against him.</p>
<p>Amy reached for his jaw and pulled his face to hers, pressing her lips to his hesitantly at first and then deepening it. Joel was frozen for a moment but then allowed her tongue into his mouth with a strangled groan. His arms wound around her, tugging her closer to him. Amy went for his belt, unbuckling it hastily before pulling away from him long enough to remove her own pants again. Joel pulled his stiff cock from his pants without removing them, lifting Amy up and pressing her against the wall with a grunt. He entered her painfully, struggling slightly to fit himself into her. Her usual wetness was absent for the first time.</p>
<p>Joel spit down between them, attempting to lubricate himself for her but she didn’t fucking care how bad it hurt to get him inside, she reached for his face again and kissed him hard. Joel rocked into her, his hands gripping her ass roughly. After several moments, her walls began to loosen, arousal finally catching up to her actions despite the hatred in her heart.</p>
<p>“There you are,” he whispered against her mouth.</p>
<p>She grasped onto his shoulder, letting her nails dig in so she could control some of their movement. Joel carried her over to the table, setting her down and kicking the rest of the way out of his jeans. He lifted her leg to rest against his shoulder and plunged back into her, bottoming out against her and grinding into her pelvis wickedly. Amy let out a pained shout and Joel covered her mouth with his own, continuing to fuck her as he ravaged her mouth. Amy buried her hands in his hair and tugged hard, prompting another painful thrust.</p>
<p>“Up,” she gasped then and Joel did as he was told, he lifted her once more and carried them to the couch. Joel sat back and let her take control, watching her ride him while his hands roamed over her. Touching every burning inch of skin he could while she took out her rage on him in the only way she seemed to be capable when it came to Joel. She wanted to hiss her hatred at him, to scream and shout but she needed him calm. Needed him exhausted enough that when she slipped out in the morning, he didn’t wake up.</p>
<p>When her legs started burning from her efforts, she began to slow down. Her whole body started shaking from it and Joel cupped her face in his hand, stroking her tenderly. It was then that her anger began to thaw, the look in his eyes was one she had seen so many times lately.</p>
<p>Joel laced his free hand in hers and brought it to his chest, Amy stopped moving entirely and fell against him. Her chest heaving now with broken sobs. Joel wrapped both of his strong arms around her, soothing her with his rough hands.</p>
<p>“I promise you,” he whispered into her hair then, “I’ll keep you safe.”</p>
<p>They didn’t finish after that, nor did they speak. Joel only carried her gingerly to the bedroom and held onto her until they were both asleep.</p>
<p>When morning came, Amy pulled the photo of the dead man’s family from the book she’d taken so long ago and tucked it back into her bag as quietly as she could. She left the book on the pillow beside Joel and fully intended to never see him again as she made her way down onto the streets.</p>
<p>There was a desperate sort of loneliness in her heart as she walked in the early morning light. A kind of vulnerability she'd forgotten how to feel engulfed her with every step she took away from Joel. <em>She could do this</em>.</p>
<p>She didn't have any other choice.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>:)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>November 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>“Amy?” Tommy’s voice broke through the haze as she stared down into the canyon. She turned to him, shaking the fog away. “You alright?”</p>
<p>“Sorry,” she said back, rubbing at the back of her neck. She was finally allowed back on patrol after too damn long. It’d been two weeks since her break up with Rosie and she still hadn’t told anyone but Eugene. He’d managed to convince Maria that Amy was unwell, given her time off from her regular duties around Jackson so she could get her head back on right.</p>
<p>As much as she knew it was the right thing, she still grieved the loss of what might have been with the other woman if only Joel had never shown up. If only Amy had actually let him go a long time ago. She swore she had tried but...</p>
<p>“You sure you’re up for this?” Tommy asked, worry painting deep lines on his forehead. “We can head back, find someone else to cover for you if you’re feeling unwell.”</p>
<p>“I’m good, Tommy. Just got distracted.” She wanted to add that maybe if his wife hadn’t forced her to stay within the walls of the town for so damn long, maybe she wouldn’t keep finding herself distracted by the beauty of the outside world. She did need to focus though, they were coming up on a row of houses and they’d have to sweep them before making it to the lookout.</p>
<p>Tommy looked at her doubtfully but kicked his horse onward all the same. It’d been a long time since she and Tommy had been on patrol together. He and Joel had been paired up consistently since the older brother's arrival. She wasn’t entirely sure why Joel wasn’t out with him today but she wasn’t going to complain. She needed to get some action, get her blood pumping so she could finally sleep through the night again.</p>
<p>Lately her nightmares had slipped away from violence and verged more on the humiliation side. Last night she’d dreamed that she finally told Joel how she felt, confessed everything that she was afraid to bring to the light and that he had rejected her. Laughed in her face. If she wasn’t so in love with torturing herself, she would have gone to him earlier. But what if the dreams still happened even after she did?</p>
<p>She still felt so foolish for how she had broken down at Joel’s, still didn’t know what he thought of the whole thing. And now that she was back on the outside, it kind of felt stupid. All of it. There were far worse things to be afraid of than her own goddamned feelings. She was too old for all of it.</p>
<p>“Ya know,” Tommy said then with more than a little bit of pride in his voice, once more breaking her out of her mental ramblings. “I finally convinced Joel to go on a date.”</p>
<p>The reins slipped from Amy’s fingers, and her vision seemed to go blank for a moment.</p>
<p>“Esther and some of the others came into town the other day, came to help prep things for that festival of Maria’s,” he went on, clearly not noticing her sudden shift of mood. “Not sure why she’s so fussy about the whole thing, she keeps bringing up new problems like they ain’t just more shit to worry over. Told her we could just do something simple, like that thing we had last month. But no, Maria said it’s gotta be three full days,” he chuckled. “Reckon I don’t understand women as much as I like to think I do.”</p>
<p>Amy was holding her breath to keep from panicking? Screaming? She didn’t know. Her brain couldn’t process anything, could barely feel the horse still moving beneath her.</p>
<p>“But yeah, like I was saying,” Tommy said, reining his own ramblings back in now. “Joel and Esther, they came over for dinner the other night. Seemed to really hit it off. They even made plans to go to the festival together. I think it’s about time Joel settles down, get him a good woman to help out with Ellie.”</p>
<p>Amy was shaking then, full bodied convulsions that she couldn’t seem to calm down. Her horse, maybe spooked by the movement, sped up a little and then jumped over a log. With her hands still not hanging on, Amy lost her seating and tumbled down to the hard ground, hitting her head against the stone below.</p>
<p>She heard Tommy exclaim ahead of her and then he pulled back on his horse’s reins, hopping down and running over to her. She was flat on her back, staring at the sky and trying to regain the lung capacity to take a deep breath in. Tommy tucked a hand under her shoulder, raising her to a sitting position as she blinked away the tears that threatened. Tommy would think they were from the fall but she didn’t want to cry anymore. She was so fucking sick of crying.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” he asked then and she took her first full breath inward, feeling the cool air burning her lungs at last.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she said, still shaking slightly. Maybe now more from the fall then the other thing she desperately wanted to unhear.</p>
<p>Tommy looked her over, staring at the spot on her forehead where she’d collided with the earth. “You’re bleeding,” he said, lifting her up and to her feet. “Come on,” he guided her back to her horse where it stood a few feet away. “We’re heading back. Joel was right, you ain’t got no business being back out yet.”</p>
<p>“What?” she said then, stopping their walk to stare at the younger Miller in confusion.</p>
<p>“He said you were having a rough time, didn’t think you were in the right head space to be out on patrol.”</p>
<p>Amy swallowed down a little bit of old hatred. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”</p>
<p>“Well, I still ain’t letting you handle a gun till we get that head of yours checked out,” Tommy said, pulling down her horse’s reins and helping to lift Amy up in the saddle. “We’ll go slow.”</p>
<p>So, not only was Joel apparently dating Esther now but he was also still trying to control her fucking life. As sick as the first part made her feel, it had been her own fault. She’d pushed him away, waited too long after ending things with Rosie to work up the nerve to say anything. And well, the second thing just pissed her off. As if he had any right to say what she was capable of, just because she’d broken down in their last real interaction. Did he really think she was that fucking fragile that she couldn’t handle a few infected? Seriously? She wasn’t some damsel who needed his fucking help.</p>
<p>Her head was pounding by the time they were approaching the gates, the people keeping watch seemed confused at them being back so early as they opened them. Amy shielded her eyes from the sun where it shined high in the sky as she looked up to one of the watchtowers, she saw Joel and her anger flared again. Tripled in size when she saw how fucking worried he looked, when he set his gun down and made his way towards the stairs that led down.</p>
<p>Amy jumped from her horse near the stables, just in time for Joel to arrive. He noticed the wound on her head and immediately rushed for her, lifting her face in his hands to get a better look. Amy was quick to pull away, the anger she was feeling coming out in waves. Her horse snorted disapprovingly.</p>
<p>“What happened?” he asked then, confusion clear on his stupid controlling features.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she grunted, removing her backpack from the saddle and shouldering it.</p>
<p>“She had a little tumble, that’s all.” Tommy looked just as confused as his brother.</p>
<p>Joel, again, attempted to look at her injury and, unable to contain her rage, she shoved him hard.</p>
<p>“Don’t fucking touch me,” she seethed, moving to pull her horse into the stable. She couldn’t risk him being too close, couldn’t risk him looking into her eyes and reading her like a goddamn book.</p>
<p>“Hey, <em>what</em> is going on?” Joel asked, hands raised in surrender.</p>
<p>Tommy moved closer, taking the horse from her and squeezing between she and Joel, perhaps attempting to keep the two of them from fighting. Not that Joel was responding in kind to her anger. He turned to his brother, a questioning look in his eyes. Tommy only shrugged, a bewildered expression darkening his face.</p>
<p>“Amy,” Joel said then, getting in front of her so she couldn’t leave.</p>
<p>“Joel, I don’t need your help. What I need is for you to stay out of my fucking business.”</p>
<p>She wanted to say more, wanted to scream at him about Boston, about every damn terrible awful thing she was feeling. But mostly she wanted to hurt him for not waiting just a little bit longer before giving up on her. For ever believing whatever it was he had believed about her and Rosie. For thinking she didn’t still love him. For not being the one who pulled her into his arms after he’d sang for them. For not being the one to dry her tears when he was so carelessly prolific at causing them.</p>
<p>And most of all, for beating his own bullshit habits into her. For training her to block out her feelings rather than face them.</p>
<p>“Can you get out of my way,” she said then, slightly calmer.</p>
<p>Joel was still in front of her, some kind of hurt on his face as he stared down at her. Tommy stepped to her side, wrapping an arm around her and guiding her past his brother who was silent as he stepped aside. Tommy led her towards the infirmary, giving her a little squeeze on the arm once they were far enough away from the stables. “You gonna tell me what all that was about?”</p>
<p>“He has no right to have a say in whether or not I’m allowed to go out on patrol,” she said, huffing a bit. “Sick of his bullshit.”</p>
<p>“A little too close to the old days?” Tommy asked then and she only sighed in response. “Well, let’s just go and make sure you ain’t concussed, yeah?”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Amy spent the next few days grounded again, stuck inside the walls that more and more were beginning to feel like a prison. The cut on her head had closed up and the skin around it had taken on a nasty hue as it bruised. Rosie had come over with a hot meal after hearing about her fall. She’d also heard about her blowing up at Joel, some of the stablehands had witnessed the spat and apparently decided to spread it around. Fucking gossips.</p>
<p>In order to avoid the pain of knowing Joel was seeing Esther now, she had decided to be bitter about it. Choosing to remember the worst bits of her time with Joel before settling into a fresh numbness.</p>
<p>Tonight was the first night of the fall festival and Amy was planning on drinking herself into a stupor. She was at Rosie’s getting ready for the night, they’d slipped back into their friendship relatively simply now that more time had passed.</p>
<p>They didn’t speak about Joel so if Rosie had heard the news about him and Esther, she was grateful that she was letting her avoid the subject. Rosie pulled out a dress from her closet and held it up.</p>
<p>“What do you think?” she asked Amy who was resting on the bed.</p>
<p>“I think it’s almost winter and you’ll freeze your ass off,” Amy said dubiously.</p>
<p>“Not for me, for you.”</p>
<p>“I don’t really do dresses, you know that.”</p>
<p>“Consider it punishment for breaking my heart,” Rosie said with a sly grin. “Plus, I think it’ll look nice on you. And you’ll be too drunk to feel the cold if you keep going at the rate you are,” she indicated the glass that sat beside her on the nightstand.</p>
<p>Amy had started drinking early, afraid that if she went to the church sober she might not have a courage to actually go inside.</p>
<p>“Come on, please, for me,” Rosie pleaded then, clutching the dress to her chest. “I swear it’s warmer than it looks, you can even borrow my boots.”</p>
<p>Amy sighed and looked at the fabric in the other woman’s hands. It was a long-sleeved dress, a sort of burgundy color. She climbed to her feet and took it from Rosie, taking it to the nearby bathroom to try it on. The way it hugged her waist and breasts was flattering but it still didn’t feel like her. Amy tilted her head to the side as she stared at her reflection in the mirror, lifting the flowing skirt of the thing and laughing a little as she twirled around.</p>
<p>Without meaning to she wondered what Joel would think of it, if he’d like the way it was cut just a tad too high above the knee to truly be practical. Rosie stepped into the room with a gasp. She was holding her favorite pair of cowboy boots and some thick long socks.</p>
<p>“You look fucking amazing, Amy,” she said then, handing her the items.</p>
<p>Amy sighed again, “Fine.”</p>
<p>With the boots and socks on, the cold barely bothered her as they stepped out onto the streets. She’d borrowed one of Rosie’s coats as well, it was longer than the dress which really wasn’t saying much. She certainly wasn’t used to having her bare legs uncovered. The old scar she'd gotten forever ago was fully on display. Rosie linked her arms through hers and dragged her a little faster along the route to the church, excitement bubbling.</p>
<p>Eugene was already inside when they got there, he smiled at the two women and called them over to a table he’d secured near the makeshift bar that had been set up. Amy removed her borrowed coat and draped it over the back of a chair.</p>
<p>“Look at you,” Eugene said with a whistle and she blushed.</p>
<p>“Shut up,” she said, brushing him off then and moving to get herself a drink.</p>
<p>There were a few fresh faces in town, some from the outpost like Esther, and others who had recently been found wandering around the outskirts of Jackson. They’d been vetted and welcomed in just in time to enjoy the festival. One was leaning against the bar, she’d taken notice of him a few days ago. He was a little sheepish, nervous no doubt about being in the company of so many other people. She recognized the look from when she’d first arrived in Jackson, a bit of distrust about the reality of the place despite all evidence to the contrary.</p>
<p>She sidled up beside him at the bar and he looked over, smiling kindly. He had shaggy dark hair and the most piercing blue eyes she’d ever seen. Amy ordered a whiskey and felt his eyes on her as she waited.</p>
<p>“I’m James,” she heard him say and she turned her head to face him.</p>
<p>“Amelia,” she returned, holding out her hand. He took it and gave it a nervous shake.</p>
<p>“This place is kind of crazy,” he said then, releasing his grip and laughing.</p>
<p>“You’ll get used to it, mostly.”</p>
<p>“You been here long?” he inched closer.</p>
<p>“Three years,” she supplied. Shit, with winter coming maybe it was closer to four now.</p>
<p>She saw his eyes dart to the bruise on her forehead. She reckoned he was still used to seeing much worse injuries back on the outside to be too fussed about it when he didn’t ask questions.</p>
<p>“You think you guys are gonna wind up staying long-term?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he said shakily. “At least through the winter, I think.”</p>
<p>“It's hard at first,” she added when she saw his eyes dart behind her, checking his sights just in case. “Trusting.”</p>
<p>Seth finally set down her drink and she lifted it to her lips, nodding to the man as he walked to another waiting patron.</p>
<p>“You, uh, planning on dancing later?” he asked then and she blushed a little.</p>
<p>“I don’t think so,” she said, smiling gently. “I’ll see you around.”</p>
<p>She turned to return to the table, only to immediately have her eyes fall upon Joel who had just entered the building, Esther and Ellie at either side of him. So it was true, not that Tommy was in the habit of lying. Amy kept moving, taking a seat then and bringing her drink to her lips with a shaking hand. Rosie and Eugene were deep in conversation about something that she didn’t care to pay attention to. Right now all Amy could imagine was Joel’s hands on Esther’s body, his mouth on hers. She finished her drink quickly and then bullied Eugene into getting up to bring her another.</p>
<p>As the hours passed, she kept sneaking a look over at the table where the Millers sat. Esther and Joel were sat side by side, not much room between them. When Joel caught her eye, she quickly looked away, standing from the table and making her way back to the bar for a third drink. She didn’t feel drunk, not quite. Not quite as much as she wanted to be. Seth was on the far side of the bar and she reached forward, leaning against the bar and stretching to pull one of the bottles up. She felt someone approach from behind her, a bit of wind made from the motion of them hitting the bare backs of her thighs.</p>
<p>She hopped back down onto her feet then, didn’t bother turning around as she filled her glass and felt the withering glare of Seth where he was still dealing with another drunk.</p>
<p>“Didn’t realize it was self-serve,” Joel’s warm grumble came from behind her.</p>
<p>Amy stayed quiet as he moved to lean against the bar, pressing his body close to hers when another person needed to squeeze past.</p>
<p>“That dress looks nice on you,” he added when she stayed quiet. Seth returned and Joel ordered two beers. Amy looked at him finally with a pained expression. Joel’s eyes trailed down to her frowning mouth and he grimaced. “You gonna tell me what’s been going on with you lately?”</p>
<p>“Since when do you care about my feelings, Joel?” her voice was bitter, callous. Seth returned with the bottles and Joel gripped them tightly.</p>
<p>He squared his shoulders then, shaking his head. “I ain’t in the mood to deal with this shit right now. You decide you wanna talk, come find me.”</p>
<p>He left her and she finished off her drink, hating herself.</p>
<p>As the night wore on, she found herself on the dance floor. First with Rosie, then Eugene. Then somehow with that newcomer, James. He was saying something and she was laughing but the alcohol was catching up to her, filling her brain with a buzzing that made her nearly instantly forget what was so funny to her. It didn’t really matter, the music felt nice and so did the arms around her while they moved with it. At that moment it didn't matter to her who they belonged to.</p>
<p>When Amy turned to the side, rested her head against the man, she caught sight of Joel and Esther on the other side of the room. Dancing with their hands clasped delicately together. Amy wanted to throw up then, wanted to leave before she could convince herself to do something incredibly stupid.</p>
<p>She pulled away from James, who like her had been drinking all night. Likely to flood away all the fears that came with learning to let your guard down after a few too many years on the outside.</p>
<p>He held her tight and she turned back to him. “I need,” she stuttered then, seeing something in his blue eyes that reminded her of another man. One she’d taken great pains to get far away from. James’s hand slid down her back then as he pulled her closer. When his hand cupped her ass, she shrank in on herself, too drunk to properly react.</p>
<p>“Mind if I cut in?” Tommy said after a heartbeat, suddenly at her side.</p>
<p>Apparently he'd noticed her discomfort and the man’s predatory grip on her. Amy looked to see Maria a few feet away where Tommy had left her mid-dance to come to her rescue. Her eyes were hard on the newcomer, no doubt wondering if letting him into town had been a mistake. James's features softened at the sight of the other man and Amy’s heart stuttered slightly. James looked at her again and she could only think of the smell of freshly spilled blood when she saw his eyes.</p>
<p>James didn’t speak but handed her off to the younger Miller and Amy sighed heavily once they were alone. She wrapped her arms around him, letting him lead as they danced along to the rest of the song.</p>
<p>“You alright?” Tommy asked at length but all her attentions were on the figure that was now exiting the church. When he was fully out of sight she looked to Tommy again.</p>
<p>“Think he was just a little drunk,” she said, she knew she certainly was.</p>
<p>“Yeah well, that ain’t no excuse,” Tommy said, shaking his head and glancing back to his wife.</p>
<p>“I’m good,” Amy said then, letting him off the hook. “You go back to Maria. I think I'm done dancing for tonight.”</p>
<p>Tommy frowned but nodded. “Get some water in you, alright?”</p>
<p>Amy made her way back to the table, wobbly on her feet. Both Eugene and Rosie must have already left for the night, it felt late but the clock on the wall said it was barely ten. The way the booze in her system had blurred her memory of the night already was a bad sign she’d be suffering in the morning. Amy rested her hands against the table top, taking in a steadying breath.</p>
<p>Then she turned again, looked back towards where Joel had been dancing and now he was standing idle, his eyes hard on her. Had he seen what had just happened? Let his baby brother come to her rescue instead of doing it himself? She had told him to stay out of her business, was he just respecting her wishes or did he fully not give a shit anymore?</p>
<p>There was an old darkness to the look he was giving her, he brought his drink to his lips but continued watching her under a heavily furrowed brow. Amy frowned right back at him, not shrinking from his gaze. He could be intimidating all he wanted, it wasn’t going to work on her.</p>
<p>Joel bobbed his head towards a doorway that was an old office for whoever ran the church back in the day, Amy exhaled through her nose but nodded.</p>
<p>She stepped carefully through what remained of the crowd and headed to the office, knowing he wasn’t too far behind her. She stepped inside, using the darkness of that corner of the hall to slip in as stealthily as possible. She went for a desk that stood at the far end of the room, turning only when she heard Joel enter and shut the door.</p>
<p>There was a small lamp on the desk and she flicked it on, not wanting the overhead lights’ harshness.</p>
<p>“What,” he began, sounding pained, “is going on with you?”</p>
<p>“Take one fucking guess, Joel,” she shot back, half-breathless.</p>
<p>Joel shook his head, “You know I ain’t no goddamned mind reader.”</p>
<p>Amy smiled cruelly then. “Why don’t you go back to your date, I’m sure she’s missing you.”</p>
<p>He moved closer, an exasperated sigh escaping him. “Amy, what do you want from me?”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she lied, shaking her head as her eyes began to fill.</p>
<p>“I ain’t here to play games with you,” he growled. “You wanna go back to hating me again, then fine. But I ain’t about to stand around watching you destroy yourself. Where the hell is Rosie?”</p>
<p>“What do you care about Rosie?”</p>
<p>“Someone needs to make sure you make it home.”</p>
<p>“We broke up,” she said then, watching him for a reaction.</p>
<p>“What?” he jerked his head toward her then. His eyes probing hers questioningly.</p>
<p>“Yeah, been a couple of weeks now,” she continued, wondering if she was drunk enough to admit to more. If it even mattered to him at this point. She sniffled slightly and decided to just say fuck it. “Turns out it’s really hard to make a relationship work when you’re in love with someone else.”</p>
<p>Joel’s mouth fell open slightly. Some of his earlier anger softened, not fully but enough that she felt safe reaching out to touch his shirt. To rest her fingers against the spot just above his heart. He didn’t pull away but he did lower his face, hiding his eyes from her so she couldn't piece together whatever it was he was thinking. She pinched the fabric of his shirt, rubbing it between her fingers while he stayed quiet.</p>
<p>His brow furrowed then, he exhaled heavily through his nose and shook his head. And then, before she could fully comprehend it, Joel’s hands were lifting her, gripping the backs of her bare thighs as he set her up on the desk, his mouth colliding with hers violently. Amy let his tongue into her mouth, a gasp escaping her at the taste of him. Without thinking better of it, her hands went for his belt. Then the button of his pants, Joel likewise found places beneath her dress to fondle. He squeezed her thigh with one hand, the other snaking its way around her back and pressing her closer to him.</p>
<p>Joel pulled back then, breaking the kiss and gazing into her eyes. Like he wasn't sure if she truly wanted this.</p>
<p>“Please,” she begged, her voice small.</p>
<p>He kissed her again, his tongue once more plunging into her mouth while her hand tugged his hardening member from his pants. She stroked him, relishing the feel of him pulsing in her grip.</p>
<p>Joel’s fingers found her center next, he moved her underwear to the side and groaned into her mouth when he felt how wet she was for him. He pressed a finger into her, curling it and she moaned at the action, pulling away to whisper into his ear.</p>
<p>“No time,” she gasped, using her legs to tug him closer and then she felt his cock pressing against her entrance. Another moment of question in his eyes before she dragged him back into a kiss and he thrust roughly, sloppily into her. He pressed his mouth against her neck, sucking himself a nice little bruise on a spot that would likely be extremely visible. Not that it mattered now.</p>
<p>It was hardly a perfect experience but having him inside of her again, having him desperately fucking her had her mind spinning in a way that she couldn’t just blame on the alcohol. They hadn’t resolved anything just yet but the barriers were gone, more or less.</p>
<p>Wanting more of him, Amy reached for the hand that wasn’t supporting his weight. She brought it to her throat and saw him flinch at the silent request. She kissed him then, sweetly.</p>
<p>“I trust you,” she whispered, panting as she rolled her hips against him.</p>
<p>Joel followed through, wrapping his large hand around her just tight enough to feel dangerous.</p>
<p>He held her steady then, forcing her to look into his eyes with his new grip on her.</p>
<p>“You mine?” he asked darkly, fucking into her a bit harder as he spoke.</p>
<p>“Y-yes,” she gasped, desperate and shameless. “Fuck yes. Always.”</p>
<p>“You wear that dress for me, baby?” He thrust harder, almost violently. “Thought it would get me just like this, fucking you in some dark corner?” his voice was filling her head, she was too far gone now to answer. “What do you think everyone out there would think, seeing you like this? Desperate for my cock? How ‘bout I make you scream, hmm?” he pulled backward to watch the way his thick girth spread her with a lust-filled grin. “You want me to fill you up, have me leaking down your thighs for the rest of the night?”</p>
<p>“J-oel,” she moaned, a little louder than she should have. He used his hand to drag her to him, kissing her messily, giving her the chance to let out her louder sounds and deafening them for her with his mouth. He groaned back into her and she felt like she was close. Just on the verge of the precipice and ready to throw herself all the way over when a sound drew her attention to the the door that led back out into the hall.</p>
<p>Amy shoved against Joel’s chest, he met her gaze questioningly for a split second before he heard the sound of the door knob being grasped and quickly pulled out of her. Amy was busily straightening her dress and hair while Joel tucked himself into his pants. He was still buckling his belt when the door finally opened and the light switch was flicked on.</p>
<p>Amy was back on her feet and suddenly very much aware of the scent of sex in the room when Maria’s eyes fell on her. Joel, belt finally firmly fastened, turned to see their intruder. He ran a hand over his hair and cleared his throat. Amy could feel how swollen her mouth was from Joel’s furious kisses, she stared down at the floor while Joel stood his ground, placing himself in front of her somewhat protectively.</p>
<p>“Esther was looking for you, Joel,” Maria said with the sort of retrained disapproval Amy was used to hearing directed at her.</p>
<p>Joel coughed a little and then looked back to Amy. He nodded once and then stepped past Maria and back out into the hall.</p>
<p>Maria had a knack for instantly sobering a person, her blue eyes were still wide as they lowered to Amy's throat, she opened her mouth to speak and then seemed to think better of it.</p>
<p>“I should head out,” Amy said before she had time to reconsider, covering her neck with her hair as she made for the door.</p>
<p>Once she was back out in the full light of the room, she saw that most of the people left had begun cleaning up. Joel had gone back to Tommy’s side with Esther nowhere to be seen.</p>
<p>Amy felt Maria’s presence at her back after a few seconds.</p>
<p>“I’m only asking because the relationship between the two of you has been volatile to say the least but,” Maria began and Amy shut her eyes, wary of whatever words might come next. “Whatever I just walked in on was consensual, right?”</p>
<p>“Of course it was,” Amy said, shaking slightly as she made it to where her coat still rested on the back of a chair.</p>
<p>“Okay then,” Maria accepted, a bit of disapproval still clear in her tone. She walked off towards the others then and Amy watched her, eyes eventually falling on Joel who had been looking their way.</p>
<p>There were worse people to be caught by, at least Maria was discreet. Amy was pretty sure she’d not even mentioned the time in the greenhouse when she and Ellie had seen her with Rosie to anyone, not even Tommy. Amy wrapped herself up in her borrowed coat and walked to join them, not wanting Joel to think she hadn’t meant everything she’d said. Tommy smiled at her obliviously and grabbed her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Joel’s eyes lingered on his brother’s hand and then he reached behind Amy, resting his hand on the small of her back.</p>
<p>“I’ll walk you home,” he said next, looking down at her and attempting to be nonchalant about it even as Maria looked pointedly between the two of them.</p>
<p>Amy nodded, bracing herself for the cold air that was soon to meet them outside. Once they were out in the darkness, Joel kept his distance. Maybe he was worried they might run into Esther on their way to Amy’s home.</p>
<p>It was cold enough that their breath was visible, fogging up the air in front of them as they passed homes lit up and bright.</p>
<p>Amy turned to Joel when they made it to her door, unsure of what to say or of what exactly Joel was thinking. “You wanna come inside?”</p>
<p>Joel smiled painfully but shook his head. “Not tonight, I’ve got some things I need to take care of.”</p>
<p>Amy slackened a bit. “She’s not back at the house waiting for you right?”</p>
<p>“No, she’s not. She’s been staying at the motel with the rest of her group.”</p>
<p>Amy bobbed her head delicately, considering him. “I could make you a cup of coffee…”</p>
<p>Joel’s gaze hovered over her, taking in her full form carefully. He stepped closer, settling his hand against her cheek. “We do this, I wanna do it right. Take things slow. It ain't gonna be like last time.”</p>
<p>Amy tilted a brow questioningly, thinking back to the words he’d been panting at her not even fifteen minutes prior. In a church, no less.</p>
<p>He smiled then, laughing at the obvious absurdity of tonight. “At least one proper date,” he corrected, pressing his lips to hers in a chaste kiss. When he pulled back, he didn’t move terribly far. His nose ghosted a touch against hers and she breathed in his scent slowly. “There’s some things we need to clear the air on, gonna need you to be honest with me.”</p>
<p>“I’ll try my best,” she drawled, her lips brushing against his as she spoke.</p>
<p>“That’s all I’m asking.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Did I make her wear a dress simply to allow Joel easier access? Of course I did.</p>
<p>The next chapter is very short, I will post two tomorrow to make up for it. But also, I plan on starting to write the sequel tomorrow so I don't know if I should slow down. Either I do that to still have somewhat consistent (slower) updates or there's gonna be a (possibly sizable) break between this story and part two. I have an outline that I can already tell is going to be expanded once I actually start writing but I don't know. I think I want to have most of it done before I start posting again.</p>
<p>Also thank you guys for the comments on the last chapter &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is very short because Joel is not in it physically (but of course he's still mentioned), had plans to actually write this in more detail but then decided I didn't have much interest in dwelling so long on the years of crappy stuff. Also it kinda matches the mood of Amy to keep it so distant and foggy. This was written due to my obsession with Joel, after all. Next chapter is longer, the longest of the entire thing in fact!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>2024</p>
<p>“Hey,” Noah called out, some kind of concern apparent in his tone. Amy looked up, met his gaze with a fuzziness. “You okay?”</p>
<p>Amy nodded and went back to sorting through their newly acquired haul. It was fucking cold, the blood on the street from their attackers steamed in the early light. They’d just made it to a new city, the truck they’d taken had reached an impenetrable crowd of cars and they’d had to leave it behind.</p>
<p>A pack of hunters had ambushed their crew and Amy had done her fair share at taking them out.</p>
<p>“We need to move,” Amy said then, glancing at the rest of her traveling companions as they picked through the pockets of the fallen enemies.</p>
<p>Half a dozen corpses, the first people they’d run into after weeks and weeks. They’d left Boston mid-December after she’d hidden out in their little hideout in their section of the city. If Joel had gone looking for her, he hadn’t gone there. Maybe he’d accepted that he’d lost her, that he’d fucked up and that she would never fucking forgive him. Not that it mattered. She shouldn’t even be thinking of him, shouldn’t care. He could be dead by now for all she knew. Still, the fight they’d just been in, the killing she had done. The brutality of it had brought him to her mind.</p>
<p>They got back to it, walking deeper into the city, shuffling through buildings and taking out infected when they found them. It hadn’t been long enough for her to forget everything Joel had taught her, her knife still felt good in her hand even when she had to use it on other survivors.</p>
<p>Days passed and in the nights Amy thought about him. Dreamed about him and sometimes those dreams were so close to reality that she woke in the night aching for him. She tried not to dwell on the way she still remembered the feel of him. And as the months passed, it was easier to pretend she didn’t still wish things had been different. That she had been capable of making another choice, that staying in the zone wouldn’t have left her hollow enough that death was the only thing she had to look forward to. The only thing she wanted. Outside, with a goal, she had her hope for a better life. For a better place. A better her.</p>
<p>It was enough, enough to keep going even when they lost Charlie. They’d been traveling like always, walking and moving and it was all the same each and every day. And then some soldier had gunned him down and they’d had to fight. They should have known better than that. Traveling so close to yet another QZ. She should have known better.</p>
<p>They were somewhere near Iowa when they found their first friendly group of other survivors. And they were tired so they stayed. And then, after what had to have been months, Amy’s feet began to itch. It felt like they had given up already, like somehow they thought a cleared out hotel was what Amy had meant when she’d asked them to come with her. Noah was the only one she didn’t have to re-convince when she decided they’d rested for long enough.</p>
<p>2026</p>
<p>In New Mexico, they found a group who seemed to want what they wanted. A new world, freedom. And then one night, their leader came to her in the night with a smile and a dark heart and she’d had to slit his throat to get away from him. His piercing blue eyes burned bright even as she watched him bleed out.</p>
<p>By then it was just her and Noah, the others had grown tired of hoping, of walking and nearly dying and she didn’t blame them. But there was nothing else for her and if she gave up now, if she let <em>him</em> be right, she’d lose her mind completely.</p>
<p>Noah found her covered in blood and didn’t ask any questions. They fled the group, killing the guards at the walls to escape the settlement and putting as much space as they could between them until it felt safe to rest again.</p>
<p>When they made it to Arizona they’d made a fire in the desert and Noah had tugged her close for warmth. Why he was still humoring her, she didn’t know. But she owed him her life and she didn’t know how to thank him for that except by pulling him closer. She kissed him and it didn’t feel like she remembered being kissed felt. When Noah laid her down, when he entered her and held her so close and carefully like she might break, she decided that she liked this better than she had with Joel.</p>
<p>Even if she knew it was a lie.</p>
<p>When the next morning came, she didn’t push him away. Didn’t even try to pretend that the night before hadn’t happened because maybe her home <em>could</em> be found in another person. And maybe it was better that it was him. Noah, who had known her since she’d been a kid. Had known her family. He was a connection to the old world, to her old life. Back when things weren’t awful every single day and she used to think the stars were some kind of magic.</p>
<p>Now they just kept her up at night, pooling brightness against her eyelids and reminding her of the way Joel’s eyes sometimes seemed to glow when he looked at her.</p>
<p>When they made it to Utah, Noah suggested resting for a while. It was too hard to know how long it’d been since Boston, time no longer made much sense and so Amy agreed to take a break.</p>
<p>After several weeks, she felt the familiar ache of needing to move again. Noah resisted but only briefly, she could tell he was getting tired just like the others. But they still had another lead and so they got back on the road.</p>
<p>Noah was killed in Colorado, Amy hadn’t seen the stalker until it was too late. She was too far away and he was already bitten before she could pull her gun out. But the stalker hadn’t noticed her and so she stayed silent, holding herself together as Noah’s screams and gargled gasps filled the air below her. And then he was silent and Amy moved so fucking quietly to safety, hating herself for the cavalier way she was leaving her only hope behind.</p>
<p>And days stretched forward, time passing without any way to mark it but by the seasons shifting. Then came another fucking winter and Amy stood still. Forcing thoughts away and focusing only on what would keep her alive. That’s what she’d been doing for so long, wasn’t it? Just surviving?</p>
<p>A persistent thought never failed to catch up with her whenever she was still for too long: Joel had been right and despite everything that had happened between them, despite what she knew they both had to have felt, he was unwilling to risk all of this for her. And she felt like she could no longer blame him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: implied/referenced suicidal ideation, bondage</p>
<p>The book is Jane Eyre.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>November 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>The hangover Amy woke up with the next morning kept her in bed until noon. Everything from the night before was an odd blur, the drinking and the dancing spinning her memory in a hazy sort of way. The brightest bits from the night, the ones that burned hot at the back of her mind were Joel’s hands on her, his lips burning against hers and the hard length of him deep inside. Her drunkenness almost made it feel like the whole thing had been a dream but the mark on her neck where he’d claimed her with his mouth stood out deep and purple against her skin.</p>
<p>She stared at it in the mirror and found herself wondering if she had the courage to let herself be with him. After everything. She wanted it, wanted to give all of herself to him but the idea of ripping open old wounds to do it felt terrifying.</p>
<p>A knock at her door pulled her from her thoughts and Amy went to answer it, pleased to see that it was Joel and that his expression didn’t appear to show any hints of regret.</p>
<p>“Grab your gear,” he said casually.</p>
<p>“We going on patrol?” she asked, confused. Maria had cleared the patrol schedule for the festival, no one was set to go out until it ended. Smart of her, minimize accidents from sending out under-slept, hungover party goers.</p>
<p>“Nope, just out,” Joel responded shortly. “Meet me at the stables when you’re ready. Dress warm.”</p>
<p>And then, before she could stop him, he was off again and she was left still staring at his shrinking frame from her open door. Amy shook herself from her confusion and stepped back inside, pulling on a thick sweater and lacing up a sturdy pair of boots. She lifted her backpack from where it sat on her dresser and made her way to the stables.</p>
<p>Joel already had her following his orders again, she wasn’t sure how that made her feel. It made her remember his words back when they’d gone to take care of the horde. How she liked being in control and how he had a tendency to take that from her. Sometimes against her will but more often than not…</p>
<p>Joel was seated on his horse already, waiting for her just outside the stables. Amy glanced around, wondering why he hadn’t thought to get her horse ready while she was gathering her gear. Joel leaned down a bit, stretching a hand out to her.</p>
<p>“We’re sharing a horse?” she asked, not taking the offered hand.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“You’re not taking me outside the walls just to kill me, right? Put me out of my misery once and for all,” she said, finally grabbing his hand and letting him lift her up behind him.</p>
<p>“We’ll see,” he said with little humor and Amy wrapped her arms around him, hanging on tight as they trotted towards the east gate. Once they were on the outside, Amy couldn’t help but notice how quiet he was being. Not that a silent Joel was out of the ordinary, she supposed she’d just gotten used to the new him.</p>
<p>“You gonna tell me where we’re going?” she asked when they crested a hill.</p>
<p>“Music store,” he grumbled.</p>
<p>“So this is your idea of a date, Joel?”</p>
<p>“Oh,” he said, his voice lighter, “so you <em>do</em> remember something from last night.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t that drunk,” she said, defensive.</p>
<p>“Yes you were.”</p>
<p>“Well, you weren’t exactly sober yourself.” Amy loosened her grip on him.</p>
<p>“Least I wasn’t sloppy,” he tossed back her way, his gaze meeting hers as he turned his head around to glare at her.</p>
<p>Amy sighed in defeat, choosing to press her cheek into his back rather than argue. Fucking her on a desk only a few feet away from a room full of people was certainly something that she would call sloppy. And she imagined Maria would agree. She wondered if he had gone to speak with Esther after he’d left her the night before. Or if he’d waited until that morning, if that’s why he’d not come over earlier.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said then, keeping her voice low to keep it from breaking.</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>Amy’s grip tightened on him and she breathed in his scent. She felt guilty and stupid for everything, for not just confessing everything to him the first night he’d been in Jackson. They’d already wasted ten fucking years, who knows how much longer they had before something terrible tore them from each other again. Still, she couldn’t quite muster whatever courage she’d managed to find last night. Did she have to be drunk to let herself be truly vulnerable?</p>
<p>“Why the music store?” she asked instead of telling him that she loved him again. That she wanted to spend every waking moment possible in his company and rip herself to pieces so he could help put her together again.</p>
<p>“Need to pick up a few things,” Joel said simply. One of his hands released the reins and moved to squeeze her where she held onto him. They rode the rest of the way like that and Amy shut her eyes to the high noon sun.</p>
<p>The ditch that was their only obstacle to the store was frozen around the edges just enough for them to carefully make their way across without having to swim. Joel still held onto her hand as they walked and Amy couldn’t help but be reminded of another day so many years before. Luckily for them, this time the ground didn't collapse beneath them.</p>
<p>Once inside, Joel headed for the stairs that led to the upper level and he released his grip on her.</p>
<p>“Pick me something,” he said then, gesturing to a rack of records.</p>
<p>“Something you’d like?” she asked dubiously.</p>
<p>“Something you like.”</p>
<p>And for the second time that day, Amy did as she was told.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>When they made it back to Jackson, Joel led her back to his place, pulling her up the stairs once they were away from prying eyes and ushering her into his workshop. He set his backpack down on one of the tables and pulled out bits and pieces he’d taken from the music store. There was a half-built guitar set to the side, the neck not yet attached to the body. He lifted it and set to work, pulling out a chunk of sand paper and smoothing the wood silently.</p>
<p>“Seriously?” she asked after several minutes passed.</p>
<p>Joel, deeply entrenched in his work, didn’t lift his head but did hum in question.</p>
<p>“What are we doing?”</p>
<p>Amy was leaning against his gun safe, her bag now sat at her feet, two records bulking it out.</p>
<p>“You could take some initiative and put some music on,” Joel grumbled, a bit of tiredness in his voice. “Or you could explain your little breakdown the other night.”</p>
<p>Amy huffed and moved to Joel’s bedroom without responding. She pulled out the Fleetwood Mac album she’d snagged, setting the second record to the side for now. When the needle found its groove, ‘Second Hand News’ began to play and she turned it up enough to hear in the other room. Joel was waiting for her upon her return, his back pressed against the table and his arms crossed.</p>
<p>“<em>Rumors</em>?” he asked, Amy nodded.</p>
<p>“My mom’s favorite,” she added in further explanation. “Used to play it on repeat while she cleaned the house when I was a kid.”</p>
<p>“I asked you to get something you liked,” Joel said, a bit of disapproval in his tone.</p>
<p>“That’s why I also grabbed Hunky Dory. Favorite Bowie album.”</p>
<p>“Well, alright.” Joel grabbed a tiny piece of metal which Amy quickly discovered was a fret for the guitar. “Come here,” he said then, pulling her attention away from his hands and back to his face.</p>
<p>Amy stepped closer, he made room for her in between him and the table. He boxed her in between his arms and pressed her fingers onto the metal where he set it in the groove that he must have carved earlier. Joel used a tool to cut the fret to the right length and then showed her how to hammer it into place with a wooden mallet.</p>
<p>She was trying to pay attention but with his arms around her, guiding her hands as he continued to add more frets to the guitar, as well as the feel of his breath hot on her neck were distracting.</p>
<p>By the time they were finished, the record had long since finished playing the first side of the album and neither of them had been bothered to flip it.</p>
<p>“Was there a point to any of this?” Joel had moved to the other table, set aside the guitar neck and was now organizing some of his tools. Leaving Amy to stare at him blankly in confusion.</p>
<p>“Guitar.” He spoke without turning back to her.</p>
<p>“Joel.”</p>
<p>“Wanted the company,” Joel said, spinning slowly to look at her, a curious expression twisting his face. “Besides, ain’t much else to do right now that ain’t got something to do with Maria’s festival. Figured you and I both got ample reason to avoid any of that.”</p>
<p>“About that…you and Esther, Tommy told me you had a dinner date before last night, that you seemed to be hitting it off…”</p>
<p>“She’s kind.”</p>
<p>“I’m not.”</p>
<p>“Not lately, no.”</p>
<p>“You rather have her here than me?”</p>
<p>“Clearly not.”</p>
<p>“Ugh, Joel. What are we doing right now?” Amy threw up her hands, straightening her posture.</p>
<p>“I’m trying to figure you out,” he said in response, bending his head slightly towards her. “Think I’ve got half the picture but I’m waiting on you to fill in the rest.”</p>
<p>“There’s nothing to fill in, this is it. This is all I got.”</p>
<p>“You wanna hear my assessment, then?”</p>
<p>Amy looked him over, sizing him up but not entirely expecting much. “Go ahead.”</p>
<p>“I think you don’t remember how to be happy. Think you keep finding ways to deepen your own misery, think I was part of that before. Think I ain’t about to help you force your own suffering now that we both have a chance at happiness.”</p>
<p>“Wow,” she said, sarcasm lacing her tongue.</p>
<p>“Reckon before I got here, you had one foot out the door. Think you’re pissed at me for showing up and ruining that.”</p>
<p>Amy didn’t respond, she just stood there and glared at Joel, hating him just a little bit. How the fuck could they have gone so long with so much distance between them without him losing that unnerving ability to read her like a goddamn book.</p>
<p>She’d never truly leave Jackson. At least she probably wouldn’t. Sometimes, before Joel had arrived, she’d let herself imagine leaving. But it was always just a fantasy. Truth be fucking told, she had thought Jackson, or any other place like it, would bring some kind of peace to her soul. And all it had actually done was hold a mirror up to her. Shown her that whatever it was she wanted was always just an escape from herself.</p>
<p>Joel was right, she didn’t know how to be happy. Not long-term anyway. She might have a few good weeks, months even, but then sadness would creep in. And a longing for something that she couldn’t quite comprehend. Couldn’t put words to.</p>
<p>It just repeatedly occurred to her that <em>this</em> was all that life was. She didn’t even think things would be different if she’d been around at this age pre-outbreak. It wasn’t the world that was wrong, broken. It was fucking <em>her</em> and something deep down in her soul had always known it. Had forced her feet to run, to flee, when there was really only one option and her survival instincts had just been too damn strong. She would never escape it because the only real option was death and that beast had been on her heels since she was a little girl. Nipping at her feet tauntingly.</p>
<p>It’d been something Noah had seen in her eyes way back in Boston. Joel had seemed to sense it, had attempted to save her from it without realizing that he would only be making it worse. He’d once said she had a deathwish, he’d meant it as a slight but he had just been showing some deep and dark part of her to herself. The part she tried not to see. Tried to drink and fuck away.</p>
<p>“Goddamn it,” Joel hissed then and she pulled herself out of her internal ramblings. Noticing too late that her cheeks were wet.</p>
<p>Amy’s breath hitched in her throat then and Joel moved closer, pulling her into his arms. They still felt like comfort, like danger too. She knew what Joel was capable of, of his strength and his violence and maybe that was why she found herself so drawn to him even after everything. Was he part of her deathwish? Was he just another sign of her muddled insides, her cracked and broken heart?</p>
<p>She let herself sob then, too goddamned tired of holding it all in. Whatever her feelings for him meant, whatever symptom of her terrible broken mind, she didn’t fucking care because the way he made her feel was at least enough to keep her alive. It made her <em>want</em> to stay alive.</p>
<p>“Talk to me,” Joel whispered into her hair. That tender voice was back, pulling at her middle and bringing a fresh wave of tears because she could feel his own love in it. She didn’t deserve that and yet she sensed in her own being how much she needed it.</p>
<p>“I don’t know why I’m like this,” she breathed out, trying and failing to rein in her heaving sobs. “Sometimes I just don't want to be <em>here</em>. I don't want to exist. I’m sorry, I just—”</p>
<p>Joel put his hands on either side of her face, gently forcing her to look at him. “Now you listen to me,” he said softly, thumb stroking at a freshly fallen tear. “It has taken me too damn long to find you again. Even longer to get to where we are now. This time you stay. I ain't losing you again, you hear me?”</p>
<p>Amy nodded pitifully, her right hand moving to wipe at her nose. “I know, I won't do anything, I just—”</p>
<p>“I know, baby,” Joel said, pulling her back into his arms. He massaged circles into the small of her back as he held her, letting her cry for as long as she needed to. “Trust me, I know.”</p>
<p>After her tears began to slow, she pressed against him, pushing him back slightly and looking up at his face with swollen eyes. Joel thumbed away the wet streaks on her cheeks and smiled painfully down at her.</p>
<p>“If you need me, I’ll do whatever I can to lighten the load,” he said, still stroking her cheek.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t have to, I should—”</p>
<p>“Hey,” he said, cutting her off with a firm kiss. It was brief, more comforting than sexual. “I told you before, I wanna take care of you, okay? You do the same for me and we’re good.”</p>
<p>Amy took a moment to consider him, to examine the earnestness in his eyes and then she kissed him back. Close lipped and soft. She just wanted a moment to shut her eyes, to fall in on herself before she agreed.</p>
<p>“Can I stay here tonight?” she asked, her voice shaking. “Just to sleep, I can’t—I can’t sleep.”</p>
<p>“You can stay here every night, sleep better with you at my side anyway.”</p>
<p>Amy laughed, a dark, brittle sadness to it. It was enough to make Joel pull her closer again, he rested her head against his chest. She breathed him in, smelling the wood and coffee and general Joel scent that, even after all these years, still made her head fuzzy.</p>
<p>“Joel,” she said quietly then.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” he said back, squeezing her tighter.</p>
<p>“I think I’ve always been in love with you.”</p>
<p>His head was resting against the top of hers and she felt him smile. “I think I still don’t deserve you.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The next morning, Amy woke to the rising sun. It pooled into the bedroom softly, bringing an extra bit of warmth to the chill of the room. She had slept soundly for the first time since…well, since the last time she’d been in Joel’s arms. He was holding her still, both of his large arms wrapped around her. It was the first time she didn’t mind feeling a bit caged in. Didn’t mind his firm grip or his hot breath or the hardness that pressed into her ass.</p>
<p>She, not entirely of her own accord, found herself pressing a bit harder against it, grinding into his bulge.</p>
<p>“Ignore it,” Joel mumbled into her shoulder.</p>
<p>“I owe you a favor,” Amy said back, her voice a bit raspy from sleep. She rolled in his arms and Joel still kept his eyes shut.</p>
<p>“We ain’t had our date yet,” he said with a sigh.</p>
<p>“You really that determined to pretend like we didn’t literally fuck in a church the other night?” She studied his half-sleeping face, the way his brows pulled together. Whether that was from determination or failing restraint, she didn’t know.</p>
<p>Joel released her and rolled onto his back when she pressed against him again. Amy huffed but then sat up, moving to straddle him. Joel’s eyes flew open when she settled onto him and he gripped her hips, holding her still and throwing a deep frown her way.</p>
<p>“Amelia,” he drawled and the sound of his voice hit her somewhere deep. Something about the way her full name felt coming from him. Like she was in trouble. She supposed she sort of was. Might as well embrace it.</p>
<p>Amy scooched down, settling low on his legs and reaching for the drawstring on his pajama bottoms. She hunched a bit, bringing her face closer to his. “I want you in my mouth,” she whispered low, biting her lip suggestively after.</p>
<p>The way Joel’s eyes widened, the way his features softened at her then only emboldened her further. She pulled the fabric down, making his hard cock spring up towards his stomach with an audible smack. Gripping him, she brought her mouth low, licked along his shaft before taking him fully into her mouth.</p>
<p>“Christ,” Joel groaned when he hit the back of her throat. His left hand traveled down, tangled itself in her hair and tugged a little. Amy lifted her gaze to him as she continued to lick and suck. The way he was watching her made her cunt ache with need but she was determined to only get him off. A little payback for what had gone down while they were outside the walls of Jackson. Besides, she didn’t hate having him under control like this. Fully at her mercy while she continued taking him deep into her mouth.</p>
<p>“You're too good to me,” Joel purred fondly.</p>
<p>She focused a bit more on his head then, licking along the rim of it with a flat, hard tongue. Joel hissed when she brought her second hand into play. One stroking and twisting along his shaft as she sucked him off with the other hand massaging his balls. From the sounds he was making, he wouldn’t be too long now and she found herself grinning around him, her teeth grazing his tender flesh lightly.</p>
<p>“Harder,” Joel breathed out then, his voice pleading and desperate. She obeyed because of course she did. The sounds he was making had her soaking her underwear without him having to even touch her. “Baby, I’m gonna—” She took him deeper then, cutting him off by nearly forcing herself to gag on his cock. “Where do you want me to,” he began to ask but she only grinned up at him, a devilish glint in her eye indicating that she had every intention of gulping down every last drop of him. “<em>Fuck</em>,” he gasped then, a rare curse from Joel. She watched him unravel, still sucking and swallowing him down as he came in her mouth. God, he was certainly a sight to see like this.</p>
<p>When he stopped pulsing, his grip tightened again in her hair and he pulled her up to him, pressing his lips against hers before deepening the kiss with his tongue in her mouth. It was her turn to groan then, knowing he could taste himself on her tongue. That his need to kiss her was desperate enough that he didn't care.</p>
<p>“Goddamn it, baby,” Joel spoke hotly, his breath still ragged and raw.</p>
<p>“Good morning to you too,” she breathed back, biting her now swollen lip to hide a smile.</p>
<p>“You know I’m gonna have to punish you for that later,” he said darkly.</p>
<p>“I’ll believe it when I see it.”</p>
<p>“Oh, you’ll more than see it,” he chuckled, pressing his mouth to her neck where the hickey he’d left two nights before was beginning to fade. He nipped at her flesh a little, making her squirm where she sat still sprawled across his lap. “Tomorrow night,” he murmured against her skin. “Gonna take you out and then I’m gonna bring you back here and fuck you raw.”</p>
<p>A shiver went up her spine and she felt her cunt clench at the thought. She draped her arms over his shoulders, clasping her hands together behind his neck and looking at Joel’s face. Studying all the lines that hadn’t been there all those years ago. Wondering when they’d shown up, if any specific event had caused them. She pressed a small kiss to the scar on his nose then. Joel sighed a laugh and it made her heart feel like it might burst. Like there might be enough brightness here, in moments like this for her to chase off the grim black darkness that always seemed to find her.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna hold you to that, Miller,” she said, pulling back away and holding his gaze.</p>
<p>“Please do.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>True to his word, the next night Joel showed up on her doorstep in a freshly pressed shirt and clean, freshly polished boots. He hadn’t let her stay over again after her transgression. Amy was reasonably certain that it had more to do with his willpower waning than him thinking she’d try anything else.</p>
<p>He’d finally gotten his wish of treating her to a cup of coffee and she’d eyed him suggestively over the mug, hopping onto the counter and casually letting her legs hang open the perfect amount for him to fit between them. Joel had kept to his side of the kitchen and chided her for trying to bait him. It amused her, how much the man liked to tease but didn’t seem to handle it well coming back at him. After coffee, he’d ushered her out through the front door with a smack to the rear. At the time she’d made a mental note to ask him to incorporate that into the bedroom.</p>
<p>Now Joel led them to the center of town and to the diner that had only a few people inside. In fact, Amy had noted the general lack of people on the streets on their walk over. She had to guess the last three days of the festival had worn most people out. Joel found them a table and pulled a chair out for Amy, she considered mocking him for the gesture but decided to keep quiet. If he really wanted to be traditional about this whole thing, she kind of liked the idea of letting him. God knows, no one else had ever treated her like a lady. Well, maybe Tommy but that was completely different. Maybe it was just a leftover for the both of them, Texan manners or some shit.</p>
<p>Once she was seated, Joel moved over to the counter where the town butcher was waiting and ordered their dinner. The butcher called out to the cook in the back kitchen and Joel sauntered back over to the table. Amy didn’t often come to this place, preferring the Bison with its booze and darker atmosphere. It didn’t exactly work in the way she remembered restaurants running back before the outbreak but it was close enough.</p>
<p>“You gonna start or should I?” Joel asked then, noting the silence between them with the quirk of an eyebrow. Amy tugged her lip into her mouth with her teeth. Joel, taking that for an answer, sighed. “Alright then,” he tapped his fingers against the table, thinking. “You remember that book? The, uh, the one you left behind back in Boston?”</p>
<p>“I do,” Amy answered skeptically.</p>
<p>“A year or so after, I decided to finally read it. Figure out why you lugged it all the way from Georgia only to leave it behind with me. Not usually my type of thing but the, uh, well, the romance in it,” he paused, eyes dragging over her face, searching for something. “Older, grumpy man and a much younger woman, kinda struck me a bit. Read it a few times, actually.”</p>
<p>Amy felt her face grow hot. “You still have it?”</p>
<p>“Nah, didn’t know I was leaving for good when I left,” Joel said with a sad smile.</p>
<p>“You ever gonna tell me why you ended up leaving Boston? How you ended up with Ellie?”</p>
<p>Joel ran a rough hand over his beard and shook his head slightly. “Someday, maybe. You’ll have to earn it.”</p>
<p>Amy rolled her eyes and leaned back against her chair, crossing her arms over her chest.</p>
<p>Joel seemed amused at her reaction, a smile tugging at his lips and revealing the kind of smile she still didn’t think she would ever get used to. Maybe she could borrow Rosie’s camera one of these days and capture it, it was similar to the one in their stolen moment photo but she wanted it head on. Not just in profile.</p>
<p>“Anyway,” he said then. “Back to the book. It’s been a while but if I recall correctly, the older man had to pretend to be with another woman to get the true object of his affections to open up to him. Wasn’t exactly trying to break you and Rosie up, figured I wasn’t your type anymore but I thought Esther might get you to at least talk to me again. Maybe make you feel safer, I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“You were trying to make me jealous,” she deadpanned.</p>
<p>Joel pursed his lips and then gave a short nod. “I was trying to make you jealous.”</p>
<p>“You are such an asshole.”</p>
<p>“In my defense, Tommy and Maria both kept pestering me to go out with her. Figured I could shut them up and, well, two birds.” He was laughing and Amy shook her head at him, trying to make her disapproval clear. “So there’s one of my dirty secrets…your turn.”</p>
<p>Amy glanced around the room, only one other table held people but there were large windows on the walls, anyone could walk by and spot them. She didn’t want to get emotional again, didn’t want to cause a scene. Uncrossing her arms, she set her palms flat on the table to steady herself.</p>
<p>“There was this man,” she started, noting the way her voice seemed suddenly devoid of any emotion. Completely detached. Good. “Had the bluest goddamn eyes I’d ever seen. He was the leader of this group in New Mexico, me and Noah stayed with them for a while. Figured they were sort of like the Fireflies, fighting against martial law, wanting freedom and all that shit. But then the leader came to me one night and,” she stopped, feeling some emotion slipping in.</p>
<p>“He hurt you?” Joel asked and there was murder in his eyes, in his voice.</p>
<p>“Didn’t get the chance,” Amy said back, swallowing. “First I thought he just wanted—but it was more than that, he wanted to hurt me. Punish me for going against the rules. Real controlling son of a bitch actually. Kinda reminded me of you,” she said with a grimace. Joel's eyes hardened and she looked down to her hands, noting the way they trembled slightly against the table. “Anyway, I used the knife he would have cut into me with to slit his throat that same night.”</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>Amy looked up again, saw the way Joel’s jaw was set. “It was different,” she continued, trying to make him understand. “He'd been kind at first, welcomed us in, promised safety. His group was the only time besides Jackson that I’d ever seen a group keep children around. He had family. I’d shared meals with them. And after I did it, after Noah and I had to run, I kept hearing your voice in my head. Telling me not to trust. That what I was looking for didn’t exist because people like that no longer existed. And for the longest time, I fucking hated you for being right.”</p>
<p>“But I wasn’t,” Joel stated firmly. “This place exists.” He indicated all of Jackson in a small gesture.</p>
<p>Amy shut her eyes, exhaling softly before speaking again. “All the shit I did to get here, the people who died for it…Noah,” she nearly choked on the name then and Joel reached forward to squeeze her hand reassuringly. “When he got attacked, I could’ve helped him. Coulda put him out of his misery but I chose to just fucking leave. Didn’t want to get spotted so I let him suffer, let him get torn to pieces while I got to listen to his screams. Back then it was what I figured you would have done. What you would've told me to do.”</p>
<p>Thinking back on those days, back when she'd worn Joel's personality like a second skin in a desperate attempt to just stay alive. To make it one more day even if it meant killing for it. It wasn't true, she hadn't hated Joel. She had hated herself. Hated herself for leaving him, for not just accepting what he had to offer and allowing it to make her happy.</p>
<p>“I don't fucking deserve this place, not any more than Noah did. I belong out there. It's the only time I've ever really felt like I had some kind of purpose. Like I wasn't just a selfish waste of fucking space.”</p>
<p>“Amelia,” Joel said then, probably not wanting to hear more. She didn’t blame him, she did everything within her power to bury those feelings. And the things she had seen and done. All the things she had to do to survive on her own before Jackson. The people she’d killed, all their fucking faces that still burned in her mind at night. “I know I’ve done my fair share of horrible things,” Joel continued, releasing her hand. “But we don’t have to let that define us, we can choose to be those people you started looking for all those years ago. We get that chance here.”</p>
<p>Before she could think up a response to this oddly optimistic side of Joel, before she could acknowledge how thoroughly their two personalities seemed to have shifted over the years they’d spent apart, their dinner was set on the table. Joel cleared his throat and thanked the chef before he returned to the kitchen.</p>
<p>“You sound like Tommy,” Amy said after a beat. Joel pulled a face at the comparison and Amy lifted up her fork.</p>
<p>They both let the quiet settle and focused on the food, Amy cut a small bit of meat from the larger chunk and carried it to her mouth. Gave herself a moment for the memories she’d finally voiced to have the space to settle and fade. It wasn’t as if she could undo the past, if that were possible she might have just stayed in Boston. But then would they both still be together? Would he have left her behind? Found Jackson for him and Ellie and left her to rot away in a goddamn QZ? Back in the same sad apartment that she’d abandoned him and the book in? Maybe it was all meant to be.</p>
<p>“You know there’s a miniseries of that book,” Amy said then, pulling Joel’s attention away from his half-finished plate. “Used to watch it with my mom before the outbreak. It was good.”</p>
<p>“Well,” Joel said carefully. “Maybe we can track a copy of it down, make a day of it.”</p>
<p>“That’d be nice,” Amy said with a genuine smile.</p>
<p>Some of the weight that usually buried low in her belly seemed to lighten at the idea. Maybe Joel was right, maybe they could find a way to be better. Maybe if she let herself believe it was possible, it truly would be. He’d certainly changed plenty. And that meant she could too.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>They finished their meal, chatting about simpler subjects. When they made it back out onto the streets, it had started to snow. The first snow of the season.</p>
<p>Joel tugged her closer to his side as they made their way to his place. There still weren’t very many people around so Amy didn’t bother feeling self-conscious of Joel’s arm around her. Sex or love or whatever the hell it was, wasn’t something she ever felt comfortable putting on display. It felt too intimate, too exposed. But this, Joel’s body warming her as snow drifted delicately around them was bearable.</p>
<p>When they made it inside, Joel removed his snow-dusted coat and then moved to help her out of her own. He planted a kiss on her neck before he carried their jackets to the rack by the door. Next he removed his boots, grunting a little when he had to bend down. She considered jabbing him about his age but decided against it, not wanting to ruin the chill mood.</p>
<p>“I’m gonna get a fire going,” Joel said when she began removing her own shoes. He sprinted into the living room and from where she sat on the floor, still tugging off a slightly damp boot, she watched him lift a log into the fireplace.</p>
<p>Something about him building a fire for them was so familiar and foreign all at once. Doing it here. In a house. His house. After they’d just gone to dinner in an actual diner. Amy felt her eyes beginning to sting but it wasn’t from sadness this time. Something in the universe had obviously had a hand in bringing them both back together. And she’d finally given up on fighting against it and things just felt so fucking right for the first time.</p>
<p>Joel finished loading logs into the fireplace and turned around, dusting off his hands. He caught her staring and smiled and Amy felt herself smile back. This Joel felt like her missing puzzle piece and she found herself picturing a future for the first time in a while. A solid one, not just some far flung hope that had got her out of Atlanta. And not a lie she told herself in a desperate attempt at self-preservation.</p>
<p>Amy walked over to him where he stood, still watching her with a question in his eyes. She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders and hanging on tight. Joel let out a soft chuckle and moved to hold her as well.</p>
<p>“You feel like,” she started, something twisting tight in her chest. She let herself laugh then. At the absurdity of everything. At herself. “You feel like home.”</p>
<p>Joel sighed heavily, his large hands stroking her back. “Ditto.”</p>
<p>He let her hold him for a few minutes before slowly peeling her arms off of him, leading her to the sofa and making her sit down so he could continue working on the fire. Once it was done, he came to sit down beside her, pulling her towards him and making her lie down with her head in his lap. Joel slowly tangled his hands in her hair, playing with the strands gently as they both watched the fire blaze.</p>
<p>“Tell me something,” he said after a while and she laughed lightly at the familiar question, shortened as it was. Amy took a deep breath, wondering what she could say after their darker conversation at dinner. He hadn’t made good on his promise from the other morning and she had no desire to risk ruining the calmness they now found themselves in.</p>
<p>“You were my first,” she said carefully. After all this time, she still wasn’t sure how he’d react to that fact.</p>
<p>“I-what,” he choked, his massaging fingers stilling.</p>
<p>Amy sat up, a sheepish expression on her face as she faced him. Joel studied her and then exhaled heavily.</p>
<p>“Christ, Amy,” he breathed out, running a hand through his own hair. “You shoulda killed me in my sleep.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said sarcastically. “It wasn’t like I didn’t want it, Joel.”</p>
<p>“Still,” he added firmly. “I never woulda—”</p>
<p>“Stop,” she interrupted, climbing onto his lap to shut him up. “It’s not that fucking deep, Joel. And it’s not like you were my only. I’m fine.”</p>
<p>Joel huffed and she noticed that his cheeks were just a tiny bit more pink.</p>
<p>“Are you blushing?” she asked, astonished. “Oh my god.”</p>
<p>Joel rolled his eyes, scowling when they settled back on her face. His hands went to grip her hips, fingers digging into her flesh just enough to hurt. “Shut it.”</p>
<p>“Or what?” she whispered, shifting a bit in his lap and rubbing herself against him.</p>
<p>“You want me to show you?” His eyes had gone soft again, darkening a bit as his pupils dilated.</p>
<p>Amy licked her bottom lip. “I think you’d better.”</p>
<p>Joel looked down to her mouth and then quickly back to her eyes. They hardened. “Stand up,” he commanded, a somewhat threatening aura to him now. Amy obeyed. Joel stood as well, eyeing her like prey as he circled around her. “Take off your clothes.”</p>
<p>A smile curled her lips and she did as she was told. Lifting her shirt off first before unhooking her bra. Joel’s hungry gaze took her in but he didn’t move even an inch closer. Only flicked his eyes to her jeans when he decided she apparently wasn’t moving fast enough. Amy took her time, slowly unbottoning the top of her jeans and biting her lip as she watched Joel watch her. She slowly peeled the tight denim from her legs, shaking her ass a bit at Joel as she did.</p>
<p>Once she was fully naked in front of him, he glared down at her, circling again to take her in from every angle. When he was behind her, she heard the sound of his belt buckle and turned.</p>
<p>“Don’t move,” he growled. The slide of the belt through the loops of his jeans came then and Joel grabbed both of her arms, tugging them roughly together behind her back. When he tied them with his belt, Amy gasped. Joel chuckled darkly at her reaction and tightened the belt further.</p>
<p>Joel swept a flat palm down from her hip slowly, settling at last on the curve of her ass. He gave it a tender squeeze and Amy bit her tongue to stifle a moan. God, it felt amazing having him touch her again. And sober, no alcohol or pot swirling in her veins, blurring the sensations of him. She decided to push some buttons then, hoping he might punish her. She turned her head, eyeing him defiantly and the look he gave her sent a shiver down her spine just in time for him to smack her left ass cheek. He massaged the spot he’d hit then, caressing her gently before hitting her again. This time a bit harder than before.</p>
<p>Amy couldn’t contain the gasp that emitted from deep within her and Joel laughed again.</p>
<p>“You like that, baby?” he purred in her ear, tugging her to him so she could feel the roughness of his jeans against her backside. The offending hand then found her left breast and he fondled it, giving her a pleasant squeeze with his rough hands. “Answer me,” he demanded gruffly.</p>
<p>“Yes,” she mewled.</p>
<p>Joel’s right hand trailed down to her folds then, he cupped her in his palm and she ground against him, wanting more. When Joel’s lips found her neck she sighed into his kiss. She used her tied hands to grip him behind her, finding his growing hardness and groping him roughly.</p>
<p>“Uh uh,” he chided, turning her back around to face him.</p>
<p>“I wanna touch you,” Amy breathed out.</p>
<p>Joel smiled. “I’m gonna get you off, after that I’ll give you back your hands.”</p>
<p>He proceeded to kiss a trail down from her cheek, pausing to pay respect to both of her breasts before continuing onward, moving all the way to her belly then lower. He was kneeling in front of her then and lifted a leg to his shoulder before he brought his mouth to her pulsing center. Joel dragged his tongue along her slit before sucking her lips into his mouth one after another. Amy nearly lost her balance but he held her steady above him. He took his time before finally settling on her clit and she immediately moaned out his name at the contact. Joel purred against her, lapping up her juices as he continued to eat her out.</p>
<p>“Fuck, oh my god, Joel,” she said, heaving breathlessly as her legs began to shake. Joel pulled back, kissing the inside of her thigh before bringing attention back to her cunt with his fingers. He inserted two and Amy cried out, trying to somehow break her arms free from Joel’s belt.</p>
<p>“Come on, baby,” Joel sang out, pumping his fingers into her wickedly. When he brought his mouth back to her clit, he sucked and swirled his tongue over it, still finger fucking her brains out.</p>
<p>It was all over then, Amy ground down against him, not caring if she fell over when her orgasm cascaded through her. Joel kept at it, helping her ride it out with a strong grip keeping her steady. He reached up behind her then, lowering her leg and spinning her to undo the restraints. As soon as Amy was free, she met him down on the floor, crushing her mouth to his in a desperate, hungry kiss. She tugged his shirt off, missing the taste of herself on his lips for only a second before devouring him all over again. Her hands roamed over him, squeezing at the muscles of his back and finding their way to the denim prison that was keeping the rest of him from her.</p>
<p>“Upstairs,” Joel breathed out then, pulling back enough to speak.</p>
<p>“That’s so far,” Amy whined, taking him in from under heavy eyelids.</p>
<p>Joel took a healthy handful of her ass and squeezed roughly. Then he bit her bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth after. “You want me to throw you over my shoulder and carry you?”</p>
<p>Amy giggled, still breathless. Joel gave her a firm smack on her ass then and they fumbled their way up the staircase, pausing once they made it to the landing to make out some more against the wall.</p>
<p>When they made it to his bedroom, he shoved her onto the bed before setting to work removing his jeans. Amy laid out, sprawled wide for him in anticipation. Joel, now nude, took himself in his hand, stroking slowly as he stepped over to her.</p>
<p>“Open your mouth,” Joel said and Amy did as she was told.</p>
<p>He slid his hard length into her mouth and she licked and sucked to get him wet for her. Joel used his free hand to grip her head and she let him fuck her mouth, moaning against his taut flesh when he went a little too deep. She saw him bite his lip, saw his eyes darken as he watched her suck him.</p>
<p>He pulled out then, crawling over to her on the bed and she relished in the weight of him. Despite being older, he still felt so firm. Solid.</p>
<p>“Fuck me, Joel,” she gasped when he began to rub his cock over her still swollen pussy. He took an exploratory probe into her, only letting himself insert the tip. Amy groaned more in annoyance than pleasure, wanting to feel all of him. She shoved him off of her then, pressing him down into the mattress as she straddled him between her thighs. Joel’s hands grabbed at her hips and when she saw the look in his eyes then she never wanted to look away. He looked absolutely enraptured by her, it was almost painful.</p>
<p>Amy flattened her palms against his chest, lifting herself enough to get his cock inside. Joel groaned as she ground down against him. His sounds filled her with a kind of pride as she rode him at a steady, aching rhythm. When he began to take over, using his grip of her to pick up the pace, she let him, falling against his chest and kissing him as he moved her even faster, his hands digging into her ass. Amy’s clit hit perfectly against him at this angle and she began to feel herself climbing that hill again as she moaned into his hungry mouth.</p>
<p>“I love you,” she gasped, pulling away as she felt herself going over for the second time just as Joel began to fall as well. She felt him twitch inside her as she tried and failed to catch her breath and she fell back down hard against him, his own heavy breathing causing her to rise and fall against his chest.</p>
<p>“I love <em>you</em>,” Joel said then, his voice hoarse from their fucking.</p>
<p>“Good,” she said, laughing now and turning her head to get a good look at his face. His eyes were closed so she let herself stare at him for a little bit.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed this,” Joel said once his panting had died down. His strong arms held her to him greedily. Amy didn’t mind.</p>
<p>When he finally released her, Joel forced himself out of bed and went into the bathroom to get a towel to clean up their mess.</p>
<p>He slowly dragged it over her cunt, teasing her just a bit as he wiped away his seed and eyeing her with a blazing sort of intensity that made her wonder if he was considering going again.</p>
<p>Amy quirked an eyebrow at him and he laughed.</p>
<p>“Gimme a few more minutes, <em>darlin</em>’,” Joel purred.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>we're getting close to the end for real now :(</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>Winter Again, Wyoming</p>
<p>Amy trudged further, no longer seeking but moving only so her blood wouldn’t freeze solid. It was another winter and after having spent so much time down south, she was surprised to find it had come so soon. Maybe that was due to her finding her way to Wyoming again. She’d passed through once before in what had to have been two or more summers ago, back when she still thought there might be something to find.</p>
<p>Earlier in the week, she’d found a thick scarf on the body of a woman who’d seemed to have died only hours before she’d happened upon her. Amy wore that scarf around her own neck now, having wrapped it several times over and piled it high enough to cover most of her face.</p>
<p>If she didn’t find somewhere to rest, she wasn’t gonna make it much further. She needed a fire, needed a bite of something. <em>Anything</em>. She hadn’t eaten in two days, had been almost out of fresh water until earlier that morning when she’d stumbled upon a stream. She’d smashed through the ice with her knife and filled her canteen. Now she traveled along it, hoping it would lead her somewhere with cover and maybe, maybe something to eat.</p>
<p>Wyoming was massive and all the miles stretched out wide and empty. She saw mountains and valleys and trees. But no homes, no busted up businesses. Just the great whiteness of a snow covered wilderness. At least that meant she hadn’t run into any infected in quite some time. And that was important since she’d run out of bullets a week before. She thought she remembered reading that this state had the lowest population of all the United States back before the outbreak. From what she'd been able to find here, that seemed to hold true. Less people meant less to guard from.</p>
<p>A small speck of her old hope twinged at that thought but she wouldn’t let herself venture any further than that. The old hope, the old way of thinking had nearly gotten her killed more than once. Now all she had was survival. The long walk onward, keeping herself in motion until she no longer could. The crunch of the snow beneath her boots felt like music, like company. As did the birds she saw along the horizon, the occasional squirrel or rabbit. If she could figure out a way to build a trap, she’d catch something to eat but there was nothing on her person or in her bag that would work. And so, Amy walked.</p>
<p>It was nearly night fall when Amy finally saw signs of humanity’s existence from a distance. An old radio tower just barely visible on the horizon. She stomped further, finally getting to the door as the sun disappeared beyond the mountains that loomed around her. Luckily, the door was unlocked and she stepped inside, collapsing to her knees with a desperate cry. If she had the energy she’d search the place for food, for a weapon, for whatever other treasures it might hide.</p>
<p>Lacking that, she crawled her way to a couch that pressed against the wall and curled in on herself for warmth. She’d think about fire later, for the moment the layers she wore were enough now that she was out of the bitter chill and wind of the outside.</p>
<p>The dreams were never terribly different, she was back in New Mexico only Noah was dead already. And rather than gaining the upper hand when the man she refused to name climbed on top of her, she was taken off guard by his blue eyes shifting into a hazel. A darkness to them that should have warned her in the first place that he had other plans for her. Instead it made her think of safety and pleasure and so when he dragged the blade across her skin, using Joel’s hands to grip it instead of his own, she let him.</p>
<p>Amy woke to the sun rising, a sound having driven her from the dream early. Someone was shoving at the door, she’d woken back up in the middle of the night and had the sense of mind to shove a desk in front of it. Now there was someone repeatedly throwing their shoulder into it from the outside.</p>
<p>“Shit,” she hissed, hearing the grunts of a man.</p>
<p>She fumbled for her holster, grabbing her gun in time to see a blond man bust his way into the room. His eyes immediately fell on her, then on the gun and he raised his hands in the air.</p>
<p>“Woah, hey, hey, hey,” he said, a southern tinge to his accent. A familiar rasp to it that turned her stomach even as she remained firm in her stance, empty gun still pointed like it’d do her any good. “Take it easy, you look like you need some help.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine, now get the fuck out of here before I shoot,” Amy spat back, trying to will her hands to stop shaking.</p>
<p>“Now you see,” he began, stepping closer carefully. “I would absolutely do that if you weren’t squatting in one of our lookouts.”</p>
<p>He indicated behind her, to a table she hadn’t noticed last night. Amy kept her gun raised and inched towards it, seeing a book filled with names and dates. She no longer had any sense of time so there was no way of knowing how recent the latest date was.</p>
<p>“Look, my name is Tommy, I’m from a settlement not too far from here. We can bring you back with us, get you some food and let you rest up.”</p>
<p>Amy laughed bitterly before shaking her head, doing everything in her power to call up Joel’s voice in her mind. To have him remind her of what happened when you put your trust in strangers. Joel stayed silent, maybe due to the similarity between his voice and this stranger. Or maybe it was from the blood pumping loud in her ears, or the growling of her stomach. Or it was because of the way her mouth watered at the mention of food.</p>
<p>“You alone out here?” Amy asked then, leveling her gun towards his chest now. Tommy’s eyes followed it but then returned to hers with warmth.</p>
<p>“Eugene?” he called out and in walked a burly older man, his hair falling around his face in tight curls. He had his gun out, having had the opportunity to un-holster it while his companion had been dealing with her.</p>
<p>Tommy turned to the newcomer and softly asked him to put the weapon down before turning back to Amy.</p>
<p>“We got women, children. Plenty of food and fresh clothes.” His gaze slid down over her in a cautious sort of way, she saw what seemed like genuine concern in his blue eyes. Though it wasn’t like it’d be the first time she’d been fooled. “I swear we won’t do nothing, ain’t how we operate in Jackson. Just wanna help you out if we can, you look like you could use it.”</p>
<p>“Out of the goodness of your own heart?” she scoffed, deciding the gun was unnecessary now and lowering it further. Even if they were dirtbags, an ammo-less gun wasn’t gonna save her.</p>
<p>“That’s the idea, yeah,” Tommy said back with a sad smile. One that reminded her of Joel, at least she thought it did. Even with her dreams, sometimes she struggled to pull up his face. To truly recreate even a single of his expressions in her mind.</p>
<p>Fuck it. She’d either die out here from starvation or potentially with a full belly if she went along with these men.</p>
<p>Amy holstered her gun and Tommy nodded gratefully.</p>
<p>“You can ride with me,” Tommy said after he wrote down in the logbook. She kept her distance as the two men led her back outside and then she saw the horses. Sheepish at the idea of sitting so close with the man, she stayed back. He seemed to catch on and smiled sadly, reaching out to give her a lift up. “I promise I don’t bite.”</p>
<p>“By the looks of her, she might,” the other man, Eugene, said with a deep laugh. The belly rumbling kind that reminded her of Christmas as a child when her father would dress up as Santa Claus and do his best jolly laugh.</p>
<p>“Don’t mind him,” Tommy said as he pulled her up to sit behind him. “He thinks he’s actually funny.”</p>
<p>“Hey, girl,” Eugene called out before they could properly get on their way. “You got a name?”</p>
<p>“Leave her be,” Tommy cut in for her. “We’ll have plenty of time for questions once we’re safe back in Jackson and she’s had a chance to breathe.”</p>
<p>And then they were off and Amy wasn’t sure if she actually cared what happened next. It’d been so long since she’d let herself trust another person. She wasn’t sure if that was what this was or if it was just a reckless decision made out of hunger and the fear of dying out in the wilds alone.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>It took less than an hour on horseback for them to finally gain sight of the settlement. As they crested the ridge, a large walled city loomed brightly in the valley below. Amy’s breath hitched in her throat but she buried down any sort of thought that this might be her last stop. Instinctively, her grip on Tommy tightened and he laughed shallowly, patting her hand a little with a knowing sigh.</p>
<p>“I don’t have to stay if I don’t want to, right?” she asked, having been caged before. Kept behind high barbed wire fences against her will back in New Mexico. It'd been why he had wanted to punish her, she'd wanted out when that wasn't allowed.</p>
<p>“You can do whatever you like,” Tommy answered back. “We ain’t in the business of trapping people who don’t wanna be here.”</p>
<p>Amy’s grip loosened then and Tommy continued their trot down into the valley, towards a large gate that slowly began to open as they drew nearer. Inside there were houses, lights blazed in the windows and Amy felt her eyes begin to sting.</p>
<p>“How is this possible?” she asked, not hearing the telling sounds of a generator anywhere.</p>
<p>“We get electricity through a hydroelectric dam some ways away,” Tommy answered kindly. “Everyone here helps out in one way or another, patroling outside or working in Jackson proper. We got greenhouses, a butcher for taking care of the meat our hunters bring back. Hell, there’s even a church if you’re interested in that sort of thing.”</p>
<p>Tommy pulled the horse up to what seemed to be the stables, there were a few people working in the stalls, shoveling hay around. Tommy turned his head to her carefully, indicating that this was their stop. Behind them, Amy heard Eugene grunt as he jumped down from his horse.</p>
<p>Once the three of them were back on the ground, Tommy called out to one of the guards up above in one of the towers. “Radio Maria, let her know we picked up another straggler.”</p>
<p>Across the street, Amy saw two men working on a rooftop, patching a large hole. She swallowed painfully, continuing to glance around the town. She heard children’s laughter somewhere down the street and she felt like she might actually pass out.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Tommy said then, a careful hand on her shoulder. “Why don’t you come with me, we’ll get you cleaned up and I’ll find you something to eat.”</p>
<p>Tommy led her to a large house, showed her how to work a makeshift shower in one of the bathrooms and let her be, telling her he’d try to find some fresh clothes in her size. Once she was alone, Amy made sure to lock the door and then she turned, pressing her back to it and sliding down to the floor.</p>
<p>This place wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. It was some figment of her tired mind, maybe she’d gotten infected without realizing. Maybe this was where people went when the virus took over their brains. To a place of their deepest desires, a place of safety.</p>
<p>Amy rubbed a hand over her chest, trying to soothe her racing heart as she failed to catch her breath. The first sob caught her off guard, the second brought thick tears to her eyes. If this was heaven—or hell, that’s where she probably ought to be—then there was too much missing. <em>He</em> should be here. And her family. Every single person that she’d lost. But if this place <em>was</em> real, if she had truly woken up that morning to find kind strangers willing to take her in, there had to be something dark and terrible and wrong about it too. There always was.</p>
<p>Amy let her shaking tears fade away before she climbed into the shower, scrubbing off years of dirt and blood and working some soap into a lather for her hair. It took a colossal amount of time to work out the tangles and clumps of old hair came free in her hands as she worked her fingers through it.</p>
<p>When she finished cleaning herself, she found a comb laid out by the sink and worked it through her hair, relishing in the small comfort of the space heater that Tommy had left on for her. The mirror above the sink was fogged up and she hesitated for a moment before using her hand to clear it away. She looked pitiful, no wonder Tommy hadn’t been too frightened of her even while she’d held him at gun point. Her cheeks were hollow and dark circles weighed heavy under her green eyes. Her lips were cracked but at least the shower had done a good job washing away the blood she tasted on them on the ride there.</p>
<p>A soft knock came at the door then, Amy startled but didn’t move to open it, still only in the towel she’d found hanging on the wall.</p>
<p>“I got ya some clothes, I’m gonna leave them out here by the door,” Tommy called through. “Got some food on the stove whenever you’re ready. Take your time.”</p>
<p>She waited to hear his footsteps travel deeper into the house before cracking the door and pulling the clothes in with a shaking hand. Simple items. Slightly faded blue jeans, a green long sleeve turtleneck sweater, and thick woolen socks. A pair of basic underwear that fit her well enough and a sports bra that was nice and snug. She wagered he didn’t want to have to guess her bra size so this was an attempt to avoid that. To not give any indication she should worry he had ulterior motives with her. Maybe she was overthinking things.</p>
<p>She dressed herself, stuffing her soiled clothes into her bag before shouldering it. She’d figure out a place to wash them later, once she’d been fed.</p>
<p>There was music playing when she stepped into the hall, it would have put her at ease if circumstances were different. She hadn’t heard actual music in years. Not counting her own singing when she’d needed to comfort herself on any one of the seemingly infinite dark and lonely nights.</p>
<p>Tommy was in the kitchen, stirring something on the stove and humming slightly to the music. She watched him silently for a while, not moving closer or making her presence known. There was something so damn familiar about his movements.</p>
<p>When he finally turned around, moving for one of the cabinets, he jumped with a shocked little gasp that was almost endearing. Would be if she could find it in herself to trust him.</p>
<p>“Christ, you scared the shit out of me,” he said, clutching at his chest a little and then laughing the incident off. “Food’s done.”</p>
<p>He continued to the cabinet, pulling out a single bowl and filling it for her. He set it down on the table that stood between them. Amy stared at the bowl hard, weighing her hunger against the possibility of something terrible happening if she let herself get too comfortable.</p>
<p>Joel’s voice finally showed up then with a single command: <em>eat</em>.</p>
<p>Amy decided to listen, the ghost of him hadn’t steered her wrong since she’d left him behind in Boston. She kept to her side of the table, reaching for the bowl and tugging it closer.</p>
<p>Tommy sighed, still standing above her before taking a seat across from her at the table.</p>
<p>“Woah, woah, slow down,” Tommy said after a moment. Amy was shoveling the stew into her mouth like it might disappear at any minute, not caring how much it burned her mouth. Her hands were still shaking, her body not quite recognizing yet that it was beginning to fill with food. Real fucking food. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.”</p>
<p>Amy scowled at him, only realizing that she was acting like a wild animal when she saw how wide his eyes were. She let herself breathe then, resting the spoon in the bowl for a minute or so as she let the first several bites sink into her belly and warm her.</p>
<p>“Why did you help me? Why didn't you just let your friend come in and blow my brains out?” she asked, letting her eyes harden on him. A small smile graced his lips, it made her sad but she wasn’t sure exactly why.</p>
<p>“You just looked so damn fragile. Couldn’t help it,” he answered back, his voice soft and drawn and too friendly already. “Besides, that woulda meant we had to clean your blood out of the carpet.”</p>
<p>“I can handle myself,” she said, ignoring the attempt at humor. Her voice was hard, nearly threatening.</p>
<p>“Got no doubt about that,” Tommy said carefully. He rose from his chair and returned to the cabinet. Getting himself a bowl before sitting back down again. “But in Jackson, we help each other. Reckon you could use some of that now and again. Think we all can.”</p>
<p>Amy studied him as he blew on a spoonful of the stew. Watched him take a bite, heard the small hum as he savored the taste of it. She hadn’t had the ability to actually <em>enjoy</em> food in the longest time. It was only about survival, she’d spent so long rationing food for herself. Only ever allowing herself an amount that would raise her energy enough to keep her alive.</p>
<p>“So what’s the dirty secret of this place?” she asked then, unwilling to let her guard down no matter how much Tommy threatened to put her at ease.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?” His face twisted comically and she wanted to smile. Fought the feeling with another shovel full of stew.</p>
<p>“The catch,” she snarled after she swallowed the food down. “I haven’t found a single place anywhere out there that doesn’t have something they’re hiding.”</p>
<p>Tommy laughed softly, the sound of it tugged at her heart. Breathed some life back into it.</p>
<p>“Well,” he said after a moment. “If we are hiding something, you’d have to ask Maria about it, not me.”</p>
<p>Amy’s eyes raked over him, over his calm expression. “Who’s Maria?”</p>
<p>“She runs this place,” Tommy said, taking another spoonful. “She and her father started it a long time ago. Built it up from almost nothing. And we’re only growing stronger.”</p>
<p>It’d be the first place Amy had found with a woman in charge, that alone was a huge difference. But women were just as capable of evil as any man.</p>
<p>“You know you still haven’t given me your name,” Tommy said then. It was more of an observation than a demand she give it to him. Not that she had a good reason for keeping it to herself. They could do terrible things to her with or without it.</p>
<p>“Amelia,” she croaked.</p>
<p>Tommy smiled, a small nod to her as he stood again. He poured her a glass of water and set it down in front of her, careful not to get too close. The way he was moving around, the care he was showing reminded her of another man who had protected her so damn long ago. She’d forgotten what it felt like to have someone looking after her.</p>
<p>Joel’s voice came again: <em>stay.</em></p>
<p>“No,” Amy said, lips trembling. Tommy turned to her, a question in his eye. She met his gaze steadily. “Call me Amy.”</p>
<p>Just then there was a knock on the front door and Amy jumped to her feet, nearly reaching for her gun before she remembered that it was still empty. Tommy gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and she didn’t shake away from him. He moved for the door, opening it without a care. Like he knew it was safe, no matter who it was.</p>
<p>A blonde woman stood on the other side, the man from earlier, Eugene, at her back. The woman’s eyes moved from Tommy and fell onto Amy. There was a sternness to her that was almost more calming to her than Tommy’s softer demeanor. The woman stepped into the house, making her way into the kitchen and over to where Amy still stood. She reached a hand forward but Amy didn’t take it. Failing that, the woman let the rejected limb fall to her side.</p>
<p>“I’m Maria,” she said. Amy noticed the small cross that dangled from a dainty chain around her neck.</p>
<p>“This is Amelia,” Tommy supplied for her. “She’s a bit skittish.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Amy grumbled. “Just not used to company.”</p>
<p>“Well, you’ll find a lot of that here. If you want it.” Maria pulled a chair out from the table, clutching her hands in front of her on its surface. “Tommy, Eugene offered up a space for her to stay until we figure out something else, why don’t you two take her things there while we get acquainted.”</p>
<p>Amy flinched at that, her eyes immediately darting to Tommy. As if he was anything to her, as if he couldn’t be just as bad as everyone else she’d run into on her journey.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” he said, a genuineness to his voice as he lifted her bag from where it sat on the floor.</p>
<p>Amy felt vulnerable again, it made her realize how much Tommy’s presence had somehow kept her calm. How the fuck had that happened so easily?</p>
<p>Maria cleared her throat and Amy turned to face her. “Have a seat.”</p>
<p>“I prefer standing,” Amy said back quickly, her voice shook a little.</p>
<p>Maria pursed her lips momentarily and then nodded. “What brings you this way?”</p>
<p>Amy blinked, no longer having a real answer after so many years. “My feet, mostly.”</p>
<p>Maria smiled at that, hers wasn’t quite as warm as Tommy’s was but it was a smile all the same.</p>
<p>“That guy, Tommy,” Amy went on, taking a small step closer to the table. “He really seems to do a good job selling this place to people.” Amy tapped her fingers on the table carefully. “It’s all bullshit, right? I mean…a place like that can’t exist without,” she stopped herself, not wanting to think back to everything she’d been through. She buried it down, taking a moment to finally seat herself at the table.</p>
<p>“Without what?” Maria asked, watching her curiously.</p>
<p>“A cost.”</p>
<p>Maria considered that for a second and then took a heavy breath inward. “There are rules. Expectations. You’d have to pull your weight if you wanted to stay. Only way this place works as well as it does is because we all do our part.”</p>
<p>Amy looked down to the table. Something wasn’t clicking, this couldn’t be real. She pinched herself, letting her freshly clean nails dig into the flesh of her wrist.</p>
<p>“You been alone for long?” Maria asked, her voice suddenly tender. Amy met her eyes as a single tear slipped free and rolled down her cheek. Maria frowned but didn’t otherwise call attention to it. “We’ll get you over to Eugene’s, let you rest up for a few days before you figure out what you want.”</p>
<p>“Eugene, he’s—”</p>
<p>“He’s a good guy,” Maria said with a reassuringly smile. “Him and Tommy go way back. He can show you around town, get you acquainted with the layout. You come to me when you decide if you’re willing to stay.”</p>
<p>Amy sniffled a bit. “Okay.”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>December 2034, Jackson</p>
<p>“Amy, are you even listening to me?” Tommy asked, pulling Amy’s eyes away from Joel. They’d been stealing glances at each other all night from across the room. Hadn’t had the chance to spend much time together that week with all the bluster of preparing for Christmas. Not to mention guitar lessons with Ellie, now that it was winter, swimming lessons had become impossible so the guitar was taking over most of Joel’s free time. Now Joel was helping Maria set up the large tree that he and Tommy had cut down earlier in the day while she and Tommy hung garland along the wooden beams that vaulted the ceiling of the church. He was standing precariously near the top of the ladder she was meant to be holding steady.</p>
<p>“Sorry, what did you say?” she asked, smiling apologetically.</p>
<p>No one knew about her and Joel, other than Maria. And she supposed Eugene had caught on as well by now with all the nights she had failed to return home over the last month. If he had, he’d had the sense this time to keep his opinions about it to himself. She still hated the idea of being the center of town gossip, of having anyone but Joel know what he meant to her. And what she meant to him. Not least of all because as far as anyone knew, he and Esther were potentially a thing. Joel was enough like her in wanting privacy that he had yet to make clear to Tommy that the dance had been the last time the two of them would be mingling so closely.</p>
<p>Amy bit down the small, leftover jealous tinge she had in her heart, knowing that the Esther thing hadn’t mattered. He’d made clear that the dinner and the dance had been the extent of activity between them. One because he wasn’t that kind of asshole, and two because, as he’d told her on their only real official date, he’d only been trying to make her jealous. She imagined she’d hold that whole thing against him for years to come, even though she was more or less over it. It felt good to have something to tease him with that wasn’t so closely connected to their darker old wounds.</p>
<p>Yes, controlling, manipulative Joel had reared his ugly head again but she was doing her best to accept that side of him for what it was. The rest of him was more than worth it. And, she’d made him promise to try harder, knowing full well it would be a long battle.</p>
<p>“I asked if you got Joel anything for Christmas,” Tommy called down to her, a bit of annoyance in his tone at having to repeat himself.</p>
<p>It gave her an excuse to look over to Joel again, Maria was giving him more orders on how best to secure the massive spruce in the center of the church. He caught her looking and gave her one of his devilish smiles, Maria noticed it and shot her a withering glance for distracting the man.</p>
<p>“Uh,” Amy fumbled then, having more than a few ideas of what to give Joel for Christmas but none that she was willing to share with his brother. “Not yet, no.”</p>
<p>“Well, just a heads up then, he already got something for you.”</p>
<p>“Something I’ll like?” she asked, squinting up at him.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Tommy said with a sigh. “Wouldn’t tell me what it was.”</p>
<p>“Too scared you might accidentally blab about it?”</p>
<p>“That’s very possible.” Tommy made his way back down the ladder, having finished with the beam. Amy helped him lift and carry it to the next one before reaching for another long strand of garland. Most of the decorations had been rummaged out of basements along their patrol routes a few years before. Considering how old they were, they’d held up nicely. “Those traders ought to be coming back into town any day now. Last they were here they mentioned staying through the winter. I can help you pick something for him if you want.”</p>
<p>“If I help you find something for Maria?” she asked with a knowing smile. He’d asked for her help finding his wife a gift for the last two years.</p>
<p>Tommy blushed. “Not exactly looking to repeat that one incident.”</p>
<p>“Still kinda upset I was too antisocial back then to be there for it,” Amy muttered, remembering the talk around town. How his failed gift had Tommy in the doghouse for weeks. “I can pick you something for Maria but I don’t need any help getting something for Joel.”</p>
<p>“Well alright then. Ya know, I’m really glad the two of you have managed to work things out. I’d hate to have to kick my own brother out of town.”</p>
<p>“I heard that,” Joel said, stealthily coming up behind Amy. He put a gentle, discreet hand on the small of her back and she smiled to herself at the touch.</p>
<p>“You were supposed to,” Tommy said with a wide smile. “You and Maria finish up with the tree?”</p>
<p>“Yep,” Joel said, finally removing his hand from her. She immediately missed its warmth and turned then to get a good look at his face. He was looking at Tommy carefully. “You mind if I steal Amy away?”</p>
<p>“I suppose I can spare her, but if I break my neck falling off of this thing, that’s on you.” He indicated the ladder and Amy gave it a quick shake to test its stability.</p>
<p>“You’ll be fine,” she concluded, letting go and moving to get in step with Joel who had already begun walking away. He was headed for the back door and when she finally caught up with him outside, he pulled her into his arms, pressing his lips to hers with a ferocity she would never grow tired of. Amy slipped her tongue into his mouth, savoring the taste of him.</p>
<p>“How’s your week been?” Joel asked, somewhat breathless when he finally pulled back away. She opened her eyes to see that his were still closed and she took a moment to press her forehead to his before answering.</p>
<p>“Lonely,” she whispered honestly. “Tommy said you got me a Christmas present already?”</p>
<p>Joel chuckled then. “How about you come back to my place and I’ll let you have one of them early?”</p>
<p>He leaned his head down, nipping at her neck softly and she sighed into the bite.</p>
<p>“You got me more than one gift?”</p>
<p>“There are actually an infinite number of things I plan on giving you,” Joel muttered into her skin darkly. “But yes, I got you more than one. We have time to make up for.”</p>
<p>Amy shivered in the cool air and Joel finally pulled back away, his eyes warm on hers. The last few weeks had been wonderful. More than that. Actually letting herself be weak, lowering the barriers she’d built up brick by brick over the years and actually opening up to Joel had left her feeling so much closer to pure happiness than she could ever remember being. It wasn’t perfect, they both still had their share of bullshit to work through but now they got the chance to take turns comforting each other after waking up from a nightmare. Joel, it had since been made clear, had spent his fair share of nights battling his own demons since coming to Jackson. It felt good to be there for him on the nights when she stayed at his house. To stroke his hair and rest his head on her chest.</p>
<p>Most of all, she liked how her presence seemed to calm him in and of itself. She’d noted it near the end back in Boston but had let the years wash that from her mind. It had hurt too much to wonder how he had fared after she’d left him behind.</p>
<p>She recalled a night not too long after she’d made it to Jackson, when she’d finally had enough and had decided to let him go.</p>
<p>“Where’d you go?” Joel asked her then, lifting her chin to meet his gaze. Amy smiled painfully.</p>
<p>“Somewhere I don’t wanna be again,” she answered.</p>
<p>There was a shakiness to her voice that Joel frowned at. He pulled further away and caught her hand in his, leading her wordlessly down side alleys to make it to his house. Once they were there, he pulled her inside and out of the cold.</p>
<p>He forced her to sit down in his favorite chair in the living room before running upstairs to grab her present. Amy waited patiently, curious if Joel was as bad at picking gifts as his brother. When he returned back down, she had her confirmation.</p>
<p>“What the hell is that?” she asked, staring at the lump of canvas.</p>
<p>“It’s a tent,” Joel said, a bit of pride in his eyes.</p>
<p>Amy burst into a laugh. “What the hell do I want a tent for, Joel?”</p>
<p>“Camping,” he said, moving closer to set the lump into her lap. Amy took it, still giggling lightly.</p>
<p>Joel leaned down then, nudging her leg to make space for her on the chair. They’d taken to curling up on it together when she came over on certain nights. Filling out the small space by pressing their bodies together. Joel would let her rest her head against him and stroke her back while they watched a movie or just held each other either in silence or while discussing various subjects from their respective pasts. She’d even finally asked him about the broken watch he wore. And the deep scar that she’d noticed more than once on his forearm. And he’d shared everything.</p>
<p>“I still don’t understand,” she said, her eyes filling slightly from her continued laughter. Joel captured her gaze, suddenly very serious.</p>
<p>“For next time you feel like leaving,” he said and she twisted up her face in confusion. “You get to feeling bad again, like you don’t wanna be here no more, we take this and we go. Take a few days to ourselves, get you back to where you need to be.”</p>
<p>“What about Ellie?”</p>
<p>“She can handle herself for a couple of days,” he said, moving to stroke her cheek. He held her still then and she felt new tears welling at the gift. “You just gotta be honest with me, let me in. Might take a few days to clear it with Maria when you need it but if you feel like going, I’m going with you this time. It’ll be like the old days, just you and me,” he said then, a smile blooming on his face beautifully.</p>
<p>Amy leaned in and pressed her lips to his softly. The gift was enough to make her heart ache, she couldn't imagine ever finding something nearly as thoughtful for him.</p>
<p>“I don’t have your gift yet,” she said as she pulled away.</p>
<p>His smile only brightened even as his eyes filled in with a familiar lust. “I can think of a few ways for you to make it up to me.”</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>The next morning, they lazed in bed for a few hours. She was growing overly fond of Joel’s bed, it was large and warm and much softer than hers. And even when Joel left her alone in it to get breakfast going, it still held his scent. That alone made it preferable to her own and she decided that if he asked her to, she’d move in. For the bed, of course. Certainly not for Joel, no no. That would count as moving too quickly.</p>
<p>Amy laughed to herself and rolled over, deciding it was late enough in the day that her nakedness was becoming irresponsible. More than once over the last few weeks, she’d had to hide from Tommy or Ellie barging into the house after one of their nights together. She’d shove her way into a bathroom, even once having to hide in Joel's closet upstairs, and keep silent in the dark until he managed to get them to leave again.</p>
<p>There was a shelf in the closet of his bedroom that Joel had silently designated as hers, carefully folding and setting the clothes she’d left behind on it without acknowledging it openly. Amy moved for it now, pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and cozy sweater. She stole a pair of Joel’s socks before heading down the stairs.</p>
<p>Joel was at the stove, a large pan on it with what looked to be half a dozen eggs cooking within.</p>
<p>“Mornin’,” he said, not looking up. Amy went to his side, standing on her toes to kiss him on the cheek.</p>
<p>“Smells good,” she said then, wrapping her arms around him and inhaling his scent.</p>
<p>“Me or the eggs?” there was a comical rasp to his voice as he asked it.</p>
<p>Instead of answering, Amy let out a contented sigh. Joel brought a hand to where her arms held him, holding onto her as he continued to cook.</p>
<p>“You wanna get us some plates, this is almost done.”</p>
<p>“Yes, sir,” she said, pulling away and saluting him with a mock expression of seriousness.</p>
<p>“Cut that out,” Joel grumbled exaggeratedly, a sly smile tracing his lips as she bounced away.</p>
<p>Last night he’d played the guitar for her for a few hours, one of the songs was still stuck in her head. She hummed to the tune as she pulled two plates from the cabinet, long since having memorized the layout of Joel’s kitchen. When she returned to him, Joel was humming along as well.</p>
<p>“Joel!” Ellie’s voice rang out suddenly from the back porch.</p>
<p>Amy looked to him, noting the concerned look in his eyes at the tone of the Ellie’s voice. The teenager swung the back door open and Joel met her at the archway that led to the mudroom. Amy took a deep breath inward, weighing whether or not she should disappear. Instead she shut off the burner and set the skillet to the side.</p>
<p>“What is it?” he asked the kid, looking her over carefully for signs of injury.</p>
<p>“Look!” she said, and now Amy could hear the excitement in her voice. “Those traders came in and they had a whole stack of these! Can you believe it!?”</p>
<p>Amy heard Joel chuckle and curiosity got the best of her.</p>
<p>“Very neat,” Joel said. Amy moved closer and saw the comic book the kid was showing off. “You only get the one?”</p>
<p>“Didn’t have enough I was willing to trade for them,” Ellie continued, still not noticing Amy. “But I was thinking…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah,” Joel said, shaking his head. “I’ll see what I can do.”</p>
<p>“Yes!” Ellie said, pumping her fist before she sniffed the air. “You make breakfast—oh,” Ellie interrupted herself when her eyes finally fell on Amy. Joel turned then and smiled to her softly.</p>
<p>“I can grab another plate,” Amy offered.</p>
<p>“What do you say, kiddo? You hungry?” Joel asked, turning back to the girl.</p>
<p>“Sure,” Ellie said, a little quietly. “Actually, Joel,” she said then, turning to him with a wary expression. “There’s something wrong with the pipes in my bathroom, can you go check it out real quick?”</p>
<p>Joel sighed, wiping his hands with a kitchen rag before nodding. He looked to Amy then. “I’ll just be a minute, don’t start without me.”</p>
<p>And then he was gone and it was just Ellie and Amy in the kitchen.</p>
<p>“I heard you and Rosie broke up,” Ellie started, kicking gently at one of the cabinets in front of her. She seemed like she was afraid to look her in the eyes.</p>
<p>“Uh yeah, a few weeks back now, actually.”</p>
<p>“Why?” Ellie met her gaze then, an odd sort of sadness in her big eyes.</p>
<p>“We just weren’t right for each other.” Amy scooped a portion of the eggs onto a plate and handed it to her. “Decided we’re better as friends.”</p>
<p>Amy finished scooping out the rest of the eggs on the two remaining plates and made her way into the dining room with Ellie on her heels. The teenager plopped down onto one of the chairs with a sigh that was much too heavy for someone so young.</p>
<p>“There’s this girl,” Ellie started, “Cat, she’s…she’s great, super funny and really nice and I think I really like her but I don’t know if she,” Ellie paused and then groaned, rubbing at her eyes with the backs of her hands. “This is so dumb.”</p>
<p>Amy pulled out the chair beside her and sat down, having already set Joel’s plate down on the other side of the table.</p>
<p>“How do you know, ya know? If a person likes you back?” Ellie asked then, turning to face her.</p>
<p>Amy frowned, she was the last person to come to for romantic advice.</p>
<p>“Just,” Amy started, fumbling a bit. “Take things slow. Get to know each other and see how things develop on their own. You’re young, you don’t have to rush things.”</p>
<p>“Is that why things didn’t work out with you and Rosie? You rushed things?”</p>
<p>Amy smiled sadly but shook her head. “No, if anything I think we waited too long. But,” she chuckled a bit at herself, “I’m bad at this shit. Always have been.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Ellie said, a tiny smile on her lips. “So I shouldn’t take your advice.”</p>
<p>“Probably not,” Amy said matter-of-factly. “I wouldn’t.”</p>
<p>“Ellie, I couldn’t figure out anything wrong with the pipes, are you sure that’s what was acting up?” Joel said, stepping back inside and slowly making his way to the two of them where they sat in the dining room.</p>
<p>Ellie turned to him and shrugged. “Maybe I dreamed it,” she said, lifting up her fork. “Can we eat now? I’m starving.”</p>
<p>Amy met Joel’s gaze where he stood now, staring fondly at the two of them as Ellie dug into her plate. He stepped over then, moving to sit across from them at the table, he squeezed Amy’s shoulder along the way.</p>
<p>~*~</p>
<p>Christmas came and all of Jackson had come together in the church to exchange gifts. Amy had gone to the market with Tommy when the traders had returned to town and they both picked out gifts. For Maria, Amy had pushed Tommy towards a golden chain necklace as a replacement for the old cross she used to wear when Amy first arrived in Jackson. It’d broken during a bandit attack that had happened several months before Joel and Ellie had arrived.</p>
<p>For Joel, Amy had picked out a new backpack to replace the ratty one he used now. All torn and covered in duct tape to make it last just a tad longer. She even picked up some paints for Ellie, having spent enough time around her now to notice how she liked to draw. Amy figured she could try her hand at painting next and she had an old easel tucked away at home from whoever had lived at Eugene’s house in the old days. She told her she’d bring it by for her when she came back by Joel’s again.</p>
<p>Was she trying to bribe her for the inevitable day that she eventually found out about Amy and Joel? Well, maybe just a little.</p>
<p>As for Joel’s gifts, well he’d made good on his promise to grab the rest of the comics Ellie had been excited about the other day. The young girl’s glee when she unwrapped them was more than a little infectious.</p>
<p>And Joel had also managed to find Amy a copy of the book they’d spoken about, the one she’d first saved from the fire all the way back in Georgia. If they hadn’t been in a room full of people she would have thrown herself at him, would’ve kissed him until her lungs threatened to burst. But since they <em>were</em> in the presence of others, she made a mental note to do it later.</p>
<p>He seemed to catch on to what she was thinking because he gave her a mischievous grin and leaned closer to whisper in her ear. “Got one more thing back at home for ya.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I’ve got something back at the house for you too,” she said softly, careful not to let the others hear her.</p>
<p>Joel chuckled low in her ear before clearing his throat and turning his attention back to Ellie. She was holding out a poorly wrapped rectangle. Joel unwrapped it and Amy saw a framed drawing of Joel and smiled.</p>
<p>“It’s not much,” Ellie said, massaging her forearm awkwardly.</p>
<p>Joel, however, was grinning ear to ear, his eyes shining brightly. “I love it.”</p>
<p>“Really?” the teenager asked and Joel nodded, looking down to the drawing with a special sort of softness Amy had come to recognize as belonging only to Ellie. “I had a hard time with your eyes. I don’t think I got them quite right but I—”</p>
<p>“It’s perfect, kiddo. Really.”</p>
<p>Seeming to accept that he wasn’t lying, Ellie looked down to the ground, her cheeks turning a soft shade of pink. Amy decided to leave them for a moment to get herself a drink. Give them some space to talk if they wanted to.</p>
<p>She’d been avoiding alcohol for the most part lately, preferring to have a clear mind while she was spending so much time with Joel. She wanted to keep her senses sharp, wanted to remember every moment she could. But for tonight, she figured one beer couldn’t hurt. And it was Christmas so why not treat herself?</p>
<p>“Careful there,” Tommy’s voice rasped out behind her as she walked. She turned to look at him with a curious expression. He tilted his head upward, to a spot just to her left. Mistletoe.</p>
<p>“Fuck, close one, huh?” she said, laughing a little.</p>
<p>“Maria insisted on hanging a few of those up,” he said in a tired voice. “I reckon those things are just asking for trouble.”</p>
<p>“She like the necklace, by the way?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” he said with a shy smile. “Don’t know why I didn’t think of that on my own, she’s been complaining about the old one breaking for months now.”</p>
<p>“Eh, you’ll get better at it eventually. Just gotta learn to listen,” she said, punching him gently on the arm.</p>
<p>They made it to the bar and Tommy grabbed them both a bottle, twisting off the lid of hers before handing it over and opening his own. She and Tommy had never gotten each other gifts for Christmas. He’d already saved her life, she couldn’t ask for more than that. And he seemed to appreciate not having to try to figure out what to get her as well. The gift of that alone made up for the lack of an actual, physical present from Amy.</p>
<p>“So, what’d Joel end up getting you?” Tommy asked at length. They were leaning against the bar now, watching all the others open up their gifts.</p>
<p>“A book,” she answered simply. Ignoring the tent and the promise that, once winter passed, they were planning on getting out of Jackson for a few days. They’d talked about visiting Yellowstone. Just the two of them.</p>
<p>Tommy’s face twisted up at her answer. “I coulda thought of that.”</p>
<p>Amy laughed lightly. “It’s a good book. Very important in the canon of literature.”</p>
<p>“If you say so,” Tommy answered back doubtfully. He took a swig of his drink and Amy’s attention was called to the other side of the room by the sound of Ellie laughing. She was with a girl and Amy wondered if that was Cat, the smart, funny friend Ellie had a crush on.</p>
<p>And then she saw Joel waltzing over to them at the bar and her smile only grew.</p>
<p>“Hey you,” he said once he was close enough for her to hear him. “They’re talking about putting some music on, might be some dancing.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah,” she said, tilting her head slightly.</p>
<p>“You wouldn’t be interested in being my dance partner for the night, would ya?”</p>
<p>Amy pulled a face. “I guess I could suffer through it for a little while.”</p>
<p>Joel smirked and then looked to Tommy, a simple nod to the man before he reached for Amy and pulled her away. Some old 80s song started playing shortly after they made it to the area of the room where people had congregated to dance. Joel put his hands on her hips, she rested one hand on his shoulder and let the other sit against his chest.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to get too excited about your next gift,” he said after a moment, she’d been avoiding his eyes, too in danger of kissing him in front of god and everyone.</p>
<p>“Does that mean it's not a pony?” she asked sarcastically, casting a short glance up at him before looking away again.</p>
<p>“Cute,” he said and she could almost hear him smirking again. “It’s another book. Well, more of a journal really.”</p>
<p>Amy looked at him skeptically then.</p>
<p>“Figured you could use it to get some of your thoughts out. Snow’s gonna keep us trapped here for a few more months, and I thought it might help you. Anyways, Ellie has one and it seems to help her work through things.”</p>
<p>“You want me to write about my feelings, Joel?”</p>
<p>“Up to you,” he said, smiling. “Or you could write songs, poetry. They’re good enough, I’ll sing ‘em for you.”</p>
<p>Amy chuckled at that.</p>
<p>She supposed getting some of her darker thoughts out might be good. Plus, she didn’t really have any hobbies that weren’t some form of self-destruction or another. Other than Joel. And he <em>had</em> been that for a while, she couldn’t help but wonder if he felt guilty for it. If that’s why he was being so tender and caring, so thoughtful in trying to get her head into a safer space. After the last month or so, it seemed incredibly likely that that was the case.</p>
<p>The idea of it hurt her heart.</p>
<p>When he danced them in the direction of another sprig of mistletoe, she let him lead them directly underneath it.</p>
<p>Joel pulled a face of faux surprise when he glanced upward, she let her own eyes trail to where the plant dangled, widened her eyes comically as if she was truly shocked.</p>
<p>“You know it's bad luck if you refuse,” Joel purred.</p>
<p>Amy bit her lip, feeling her cheeks warm. But then she steeled herself and pressed her lips softly to Joel's, keeping it as chaste and innocent as her own body would allow. When she pulled back away Joel's cheeks were tinged with pink, his eyes soft on her as he looked down to where she still stood in his arms.</p>
<p>“<em>I love you</em>,” she mouthed to him then.</p>
<p>“You damn well better,” he said in response.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am debating just going ahead and adding the last chapter today as well. It's a bit sadder because it's old timeline so this is the happy ending.</p>
<p>Also there is just something so fucking funny to me about the gold necklace, like Tommy knows one (1) gift for Maria that is good and just holds onto that for years, lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>fuck it, have this one too, I need to be done posting these so I can focus on part 2.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>February 2032, Jackson</p>
<p>A few months passed and Amy was still breathing. She’d even stopped barricading her door at night. Stopped fearing that the other shoe might drop, that she’d find the dark underbelly of this place just like she had with every other place she’d found along the way. Maria had been telling the truth when she’d said Eugene was a good man. He felt a little bit like home, like a father figure she’d forgotten to remember she needed.</p>
<p>He had managed to tease her, get her out of the house for the first time since she first came to Jackson. Not to say she had stayed inside the entire time. Far from it.</p>
<p>Maria hadn’t pushed her to start taking on duties but within the first few weeks, Amy had offered herself up for patrol. Her feet itched in that familiar way she was used to by now. And beyond just that, it was a test. A test to see if they had been honest when they’d said she would be allowed outside the walls. And, to her surprise, and with only a small bit of concern from Tommy, they’d let her out.</p>
<p>The fresh air felt good, the return to the open wilds and the smell of infected. She didn’t want to risk forgetting that. Didn’t want to let herself feel too safe. Didn’t want to let herself grow too vulnerable.</p>
<p>Tommy and Eugene took turns as her patrol partners. She wasn’t comfortable enough with getting to know any other people just yet. Crowds still made her nervous and talking to anyone but the three people she’d met on that very first day still felt more frightening than leaving Jackson behind altogether.</p>
<p>But tonight, because of Eugene’s teasing, she was seated at a table in Jackson’s lone bar.</p>
<p>The Tipsy Bison.</p>
<p>The place wasn’t overly crowded, several tables sat vacant, but it was enough to make her skin burn. Enough for her feet to itch just a little bit more than normal. Eugene had noticed her discomfort and gotten her a fresh glass of whiskey. He was now preoccupied, chatting with a girl who had gorgeous skin and short cropped hair. She wondered if one day she’d have the courage to speak to her as well. Amy watched them carefully, sipping at her drink in an attempt to drown out her nerves.</p>
<p>She liked that the lights in here weren’t too bright, the whole place reminded her of years ago. Back when she’d been a little girl drinking a Shirley Temple at some old dive bar while her father played guitar on some shitty little stage. The bartender would give her extra cherries while she waited for the set to finish and she’d attempt to tie their stems into a knot with her tongue.</p>
<p>Amy smiled to herself, letting her shoulders relax just a tad more.</p>
<p>Tommy and Maria entered the building after some time and she saw Tommy smile brightly in her direction. Pleased to see her actually out and about for once, no doubt. He led Maria to their table, pulling out a chair for Maria before he went to the bar to get them some drinks. It’d only taken a few days for Amy to realize the two of them were together. It seemed like it was a new thing, like they were testing the waters. From their talks on patrol, Amy learned that Tommy and Eugene had only been in Jackson for a couple of years. They’d come there together after leaving Colorado. Both had been Fireflies, a group Amy had only a little knowledge of. They hadn’t really been active in Atlanta as far as she knew but she’d seen their symbols painted on the sides of buildings in the years she spent on the road. Run across a few recruitment flyers in abandoned zones across the country. <em>Look for the light</em>. Well, she had been trying.</p>
<p>From the tales the two men told her, it seemed like they were another group who promised a better world but failed to live up to their own desires for hope and change. More often than not causing more harm than good. Amy didn’t blame Tommy or Eugene for leaving them behind, for being like her and wanting something more. Even if she’d given up in the end, so close to just letting herself go before Tommy had found her.</p>
<p>He was some kind of miracle and she had begun to let herself feel grateful for him. Let herself grow close to him even if parts of him reminded her of another man. Hell, if she was more willing to examine her mind, she might find that that was exactly why she fell so easily into a friendship with him.</p>
<p>Amy finished her drink by the time Tommy returned to their table, he took the chair beside her. After a few more minutes she let her thoughts go, let her mind fog up and fade as she listened to the music on the jukebox. By the time she came back to herself, more time had slipped by and Maria had gone off somewhere, leaving Tommy and Eugene to continue on in conversation without her. The cost of leadership, Amy didn't imagine Maria often found the space to have a good time. Maybe Amy had been wasting her own chance at enjoying all that Jackson had to offer.</p>
<p>She stood then, finding the courage in her drunkenness to make her way to the bar. To actually speak to someone outside of her circle, even if it was just to get another drink. Amy approached the bar, the man behind it took her in with a curiosity she still wasn’t used to. The people of Jackson all seemed to find her interesting, maybe it was because she never spoke. Or because she kept her head down.</p>
<p>She reckoned they were keeping an eye out for any bit of information about the newest person to town. She’d overheard more than her share of gossip about other Jacksonites as she moved through the streets on her way to patrol and back. If she had any say, she’d keep her name out of the mouths of the others as much as possible. The thought of strangers discussing her, trying to pin her down as a concept, made her skin itch. She had no desire to be known or, if she was honest, perceived in any way.</p>
<p>Once on patrol, Eugene had asked her what superpower she would choose if it were possible to have one and Amy had answered invisibility without having to think about it. Eugene had laughed heartily at the response.</p>
<p>Amy ordered another whiskey and decided to remain at the bar for a moment as she drank it. Testing the waters of standing on her own. It’d been easier on the outside, there was no pretext of having to be neighborly when every other person you met tried to shoot you. In Jackson, she preferred a shield. Using Tommy or Eugene as a barrier between herself and anyone who might attempt to speak with her. She didn’t imagine she’d stay that way forever, from the way people in town operated, that didn’t seem possible. It was just that she wasn’t quite there yet.</p>
<p>An hour passed and her second whiskey was gone, her head felt empty. In a good way. The careful buzz of the booze in her veins warmed her, melted her slightly where she still sat at the bar.</p>
<p>“Hey,” a strange voice said at her side.</p>
<p>Amy turned slowly to see a man she didn’t know the name of though she’d seen him working in the stables more than once when she returned from patrol.</p>
<p>“Haven’t seen you in here before,” he continued on despite her silence. His brown eyes danced, shifting as he looked to her empty glass. “Can I get you another one?”</p>
<p>No, she was definitely not ready for this sort of thing. Amy shook her head, unable to form words when she noticed how badly her hands had started to shake. The man looked concerned and she felt just the slightest bit ridiculous when her eyes began to well. Fuck.</p>
<p>“’Scuse me,” Tommy’s voice cut in, he put a hand on her back and moved to get between her and the other man. He looked down to her with concern, it was clear he could feel how badly her body trembled.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Tommy,” the man said then, clearly noting his fuck up.</p>
<p>Her fuck up, not his, she corrected inwardly. Her lack of social skills were no one’s problem but her own.</p>
<p>“It’s alright, son,” Tommy affirmed, letting the other man walk away before he took his seat at the bar. “You okay?” His eyes were soft on her. He had his long hair tied back tonight and it almost looked like he’d cut it shorter. It was nice.</p>
<p>“Think tonight was just a little much for me,” she said, her words broken by the way her teeth now chattered.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I can see that. Let’s get you home,” Tommy offered, regaining his feet and pulling her stool back for her.</p>
<p>The cool air outside helped sooth her once they left the bar, Tommy still had a hand on her back. Trying to calm her frayed nerves by rubbing the spot between her shoulders. The moon was full that night but dark clouds moved to cover it as they continued onward and then their only light came from the lamps that lined the street.</p>
<p>He was easy to be with, eternally sympathetic to the odd little eccentricities that she’d picked up over the years. She didn’t deserve him or his kindness. Fuck, she didn’t even deserve Jackson.</p>
<p>It was silly things like tonight that made her wonder if maybe she wasn’t meant to stay there. If she wasn’t too broken to fully reintegrate herself into a community like this. If they wouldn’t be better off without her. Jackson didn’t have to have a secret dark side if it had her in it. Bruised and broken and fucked up as she was.</p>
<p>Tommy nudged her then, pushing her softly on the arm. She turned to look at him, her own brows furrowed deeply. They stopped walking, a few streets off from her and Eugene’s place.</p>
<p>“I can tell from your face you ain’t in a good headspace,” he said then, frowning. He so rarely did it that it was enough to knock the wind from her. The expression didn’t fit him at all but it called another frown to her mind, conjured him up from the depths where she tried and failed to keep him. “You wanna talk about whatever it is you’re thinking about?”</p>
<p>Amy inhaled, letting the air fill her lungs back up as she considered him.</p>
<p>“You just,” she started, a little too drunk to stop herself. “Sometimes you remind me of someone from a long time ago.”</p>
<p>“Someone good, I hope,” he said with a kind smile.</p>
<p>Amy twisted up her face to indicate otherwise.</p>
<p>“Well, I’m going to <em>try</em> and not be offended by that.”</p>
<p>“It’s just a feeling, you're really nothing alike,” she said. “It’s hard to explain.”</p>
<p>“You can say it’s my rugged good looks and leave it at that,” Tommy offered with a melodious chuckle.</p>
<p>She looked at him carefully then, comparing his features to another man’s, noting each thing that was different. His eyes were kind for one but the blond of his hair didn’t look quite so blond now that they were out in the darkness of the night.</p>
<p>“Shit, Amy,” Tommy said then, breaking her back out of her head. “Ya don’t gotta look so doubtful. You tryin’ to give me a complex?”</p>
<p>“Think it’s just you always coming to my rescue,” she said with a heavy sigh. She kicked her boot against the snow that glazed the pavement, glancing down to avoid his eyes. If she didn’t look at him, she could almost imagine he was someone else when he spoke. Almost.</p>
<p>She hadn’t heard Joel’s voice in her head for sometime now and she hated admitting, even to herself, that she missed it. But, of course, she knew that the voice had never truly been his. Every time it had saved her ass, gotten her out of trouble, it was all her. It was just the last flicker of hope she had in her heart getting her attention in the only way it knew how. In the one voice it <em>knew</em> she would listen to. She’d been the one to keep herself alive and fed and protected all those years, not some faded memory of a man who was probably dead by now. That’d been something that had often occurred to her over the years. That Joel had probably gotten himself into one sticky situation or another and wound up bloody and cold and alone.</p>
<p>Dead because she’d abandoned him to a life without her. She had to shake her head to get the image of his corpse out of her mind, of the myriad of ways he could have wound up that way without her having his back. He had chosen Boston. That wasn’t on her. Still, she had found Jackson and she couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if he’d come with her.</p>
<p>Tommy gripped her shoulder then, at the same time he used a gentle finger under her chin to tilt her head up towards him in a way that made her drunken mind falter, slip enough that for just a moment he <em>was</em> Joel. The nearest streetlight was far enough away that she could pretend, let the darkness and the frown he wore turn him into another man.</p>
<p>Amy pressed her lips to Tommy’s softly and he, thankfully, didn’t kiss her back.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she said when he pulled away from her. His grip tightened on her shoulder then, he gave it a gentle squeeze of reassurance.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” he said. His voice was a bit shaken but not unkind. “You’ve been drinkin’, you’re fine.”</p>
<p>She shook her head rapidly, feeling the tears start to swell. “I’m not.”</p>
<p>There was a near constant pit in her stomach that seemed to double in size then. Threatening to pull her down, back to where she was before Jackson. If she fucked this place up this quickly she deserved to be thrown the fuck back out. Tommy had been nothing but kind to her. And so had Maria.</p>
<p>Amy balled her fists and put them over her eyes.</p>
<p>Tommy, bless his goddamn heart, only pulled her to his chest, hugging her carefully. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been properly held. The feel of arms around her, of the comfort they provided and it only made things feel so much worse.</p>
<p>When she finally stopped shaking in his arms, he pulled back away, both hands gripped on her to keep her at a distance. As if she was dumb enough to try to kiss him again.</p>
<p>“This didn’t happen, alright? We’re good.”</p>
<p>He made sure she nodded before letting go, staring at her again with the same sad smile he’d worn the first day she’d been in Jackson.</p>
<p>“You should head back,” Amy said then. “I can get myself home on my own.”</p>
<p>“You sure?” he asked, looking at her like she might fall over.</p>
<p>He’d called her fragile when they first met and she could tell he was thinking the same thing about her now. But she was more than that. She was a raw wound. One she kept adding salt and fire too, seemingly intentionally pulling up memories of someone she’d only known for a few months. Someone who hadn’t believed in her. Still, after every goddamned horrible, awful, fucked up thing she’d witnessed and done he was so quick to force himself to the front of her mind.</p>
<p>It had to fucking end, she couldn’t keep doing this and remain in Jackson.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said, “I know the way.”</p>
<p>Tommy let her walk away and she slid down an alleyway to remove herself from his burning gaze. She didn’t go home, instead heading for the cemetery that sat behind the church. The gates were shut at night but she pushed them open and slipped under the chains, moving for an empty spot at the far end where a lonely little tree sat. The clouds that had covered the brightness of the moon parted when she sat down, her back pressed against the tree as she pulled out an old faded photo.</p>
<p>The photo held a deep crease down its center, she'd kept it folded in her back pocket for years now. And before Jackson she’d look at it for hours just to remind herself what friendly faces looked like. It often struck her as wrong that she grieved so heavily over the man in the photo’s killer, even as she stared at what must have been a happy family once. If she’d had a photo of Joel would it comfort her? Would it only bring back memories of the bad times or would it make her ache for him? Have her doing stupid shit like she had done tonight?</p>
<p>Amy found herself crying again when she admitted to herself that she had to let him go. She had finally found her promiseland, wasn’t that what he’d called it once? She had no business holding on to him now, not when there was a community around her filled with good, hardworking people. People she’d sworn still existed so long ago. Tommy was the epitome of that and she’d nearly wrecked everything she’d built with him in one stupid instant because of Joel.</p>
<p>She took every good memory of him, every smile and laugh, the gentle kisses he’d press to her neck and buried them in a hole with the picture of the man he’d murdered for her. Only allowing herself to keep the bad memories. The manipulative way he’d tried to trap her with him in Boston, the excessive violence she saw him commit in the name of getting them there safely. She conjured up the night he’d first wrapped his hand around her throat, twisted it in her mind so she forgot how much she’d actually liked it. Focused on the man who built up walls, who pushed her away.</p>
<p>When she was ready, Amy filled in the hole she’d dug with her bare and freezing fingers. She smoothed over the dirt, covering it with snow so no one would come by the next day and find it. It had to stay buried there along with the rest of him. If she was going to survive, let herself live without destroying this place for the sake of a dead man, he had to stay that way.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We did it! And if you made it all the way to the end, thank you so, so much for sticking with me &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3</p>
<p>Part 2 is being worked on, it will be rough and sad and I apologize for that. If you didn't like the second game there's a good chance you won't like my telling of it either. BUT it will also continue in the tradition of Promiseland in that it will have dual timelines again with me getting to tell important bits of Joel and Amy's life together before...ya know. Also Joel's POV!!! If you want to keep updated on my progress writing it so you have a good idea of when I'll start posting chapters, go ahead and follow me on Tumblr. JoelsOwlMug is also my username on there :))))</p>
<p>One last note, the name of the full series (Remains) is from a song by Bastille that makes me feel some type of way. Give it a listen.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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